Spouse moving out with SD12 but wants to stay married...WHY???
Hi all. I was wondering if you anybody out there is married but living separately. If you read my other posts you'll see my story but in a nutshell my spouse takes the kid's side on everything, won't set and maintain rules and boundaries and has disrespected me and undermined my authority by giving me a dressing down in front of the SD12. My spouse has allowed the SD12 to trump our marriage. There are also some financial disagreements, well worse than that, what I would consider financial abuse on the part of my spouse. Basically I let myself be a nanny and an ATM until I couldn't take it anymore.
The SD is not horrible. I just don't like her ways. She is lazy and dirty and well, dumb. She can't remember to do her chores. Can't remember this. Can't remember that. An excuse maker. Wimpy. She is hard to live with because I felt like I was always picking up after her and she has an annoying personality.
I am glad they are moving out. Especially because I don't have to live with the smelly SD.
My spouse wants to stay married. I just don't see what I am getting out of it. We are each on our own now and not working together to pay off debts etc. I am left holding the financial bag so to speak. If we stay married spouse gets all the "goodies" like remaining on my health insurance, gets my pension if I die, etc. I don't know if I am quite ready to divorce but I am certainly ready for community property to stop. I just don't see what I get out of it if we stay married. I have more to lose. I make more.
Can any of you weigh in on this? IF you are living apart, what is the arrangement with finances??? How do you make it work???
Thanks.
Sounds like you're getting
Sounds like you're getting nada out of this marriage. Pull the plug and stop the hemorrhaging of green.
Interim measures you may be interested in if you're not ready for that include filing for legal separation. In my first marriage my atty/marriage counselor both advised me of that.
That way you are still married but from that point forward your money is legally divorced. He is responsible for his own debts incurred after that date and you yours.
You can file to remove it later if you reconcile and voila you're still married.
Or, like we did, you can upgrade the filing to divorce later when you're good and disgusted!
Sounds like a plan Chief. I
Sounds like a plan Chief. I am ready for the Legal Separation. Spouse might put up a fuss. So what? It is either that or divorce. I still get what I want either way.
Yeah. I kinda see SD12 as
Yeah. I kinda see SD12 as living with my spouse FOREVER. I don't think she will launch. She has emotional problems. Maybe psychological problems. I wouldn't be surprised if she turns out to have schizophrenia. Honestly she is.....weird.
Fruit, I agree that he benefits way more by staying married to me.
He is working now, making real good money and I doubt that I am even listed as his beneficiary! We have separate checking accounts. I am not on his so he is not on mine. Still i make more and have better benefits.
Booty call is yes, something that I have thought of but actually he would just go out and find somebody else easily if we were not together.
SD12 feels a lot of power I think. And I resented her more and more for that because she was manipulative. She knew she didn't have to listen to me. I wouldn't get back up from spouse. But you know what? Screw her. I could have taught SD so many things and been a cool step mom. At least she won't get any of my money anymore.
Your DH is just another
Your DH is just another user/loser who wants to maintain the benefits of being married to you without actually having to live with you. Dump him.
Surfchica... I moved out, and
Surfchica...
I moved out, and it still works after 4 years.... we do not have the laws like you have, there's no law stipulating my pension or life insurance must go to SO, it's all to Deigma..... SO is a big boy he should take care of himself.
I do not contribute financially to his house, nothing not even 1 cent. I am part owner but I invoice him my half of the bond payment as rent, yes he lives there with Aergia, why should I pay 50% of property I'm not living at? I do not help him financially in any way. If he falls behind on bills, not my problem. He should live in his means...
Now do the same, I would say rather get a contract of combined debt, divide it legally between you and DH, and you just settle your part, you never bail him out if he does not have the money, not your problem. SD is not allowed back in your house, DH can visit on his own. If there's no BM then I guess SD can come over for dinner but she's not allowed to roan the house, it's not her house any more... I do not allow Aergia to set foot in my house, I will rather visit SO in that house and piss of Aergia before she can come to my house
But only you can make the decision, not even DH - if you do not love him anymore, simply tell him, it's over, it's to late to turn back time I want a divorce... and then part ways
"Pull the plug and stop the
"Pull the plug and stop the hemorrhaging of green."
I agree with this.
As a parent, you need to get the ball rolling to protect your bio's interests. Currently, if you were to die, your louse spouse would have full control of your finances. And you should not be soley responsible for your joint debt, either.
Being married, living separately can work if both people are in love and committed to the long-term success of their marriage. It sounds like you're ready to be done, but still vulnerable to your SO's blarney. Just focus on moving forward. Onward and upward!
Even if living apart, if you
Even if living apart, if you are not still working together towards one goal (which means BOTH work on getting rid of the debt, saving for the future, etc.), then I don't see the point in staying married.
It seems very beneficial for HIM, you, not so much.
Hey Surf, sorry to hear about
Hey Surf, sorry to hear about all of this but hopefully it is all for the best in the end. I personally couldn't stay married if we lived separate and it sounds like you don't want it either. Dump the chump and find someone who will treat you as well as you deserve.
Hmmm. From the sounds of it,
Hmmm.
From the sounds of it, the only reason he wants to stay married while living apart is because he is financially benefiting from it. You however are not. You should not be the only one holding the financial bag. If he isn't willing to pay his share of the debt or other financial responsibilities, then you need to let him go and take care of yourself and not worry about him.
If it were me, I would either file for separation or divorce him and make sure he takes his share of the debt with him.
Why indeed. My wife and I
Why indeed.
My wife and I have always maintained that we did not marry to be apart. We have had a few periods of work driven separation in our marrage. One for 6mos during which we saw each other over two weekends (I only saw the kid one weekend), one of 9mos where we saw each other nearly every weekend, and a few of a month or so when one or the other of us were on business trips.
If you are not ready to completely split the blanket with a full meal deal divorce then to protect yourself from increased debt on his part and to protect your retirement I would suggest that you consider a formal separation which should end any liability for you if he screws up financially.
I am not a lawyer so I would advise that you contact one pronto to get a considered strategy in place as this situation progresses.
Take care of you.
Good luck.