New here and this will most likely be my primary board to post on
My husband died theee years ago and I started dating a man I've known for years, he has a 24 year old daughter who he raised by himself since she was 4 and her mom gave him full custody. We are engaged to be married and I find that even though his daughter lives in her own apartment she still treats his home like her own and comes and goes without telling us when she will be dropping in. Yesterday she just walked in, took her laundry to the basement and started doing her wash without ever saying a word to either of us or announcing she was there, she then sat at the kitchen table and read a magazine that she bought until we went to the kitchen. I find this rude and have told him before that even though I don't live there I would like her to at least let us know that she is on her way or coming over instead of just showing up when we are there together( she knows I spend every Saturday night there and later into Sunday afternoon). I also deal wit the fact that she takes college classes two days a week for a couple hours and only works 5 hours a day but not any weekends and has half her rent paid by her grandma and her dad pays for her car insurance, cell phone and life insurance plus on Christmas and her birthday spends roughly $1,000 on her to get everything she has on her huge list. I have five kids, the oldest is 26 and is married and lives in another state and my second daughter works and goes to school full time and pays all of her own bills plus she pays our cell phone bill for rent as she just moved home after s break up, my three youngest kids live st gone with me too and all but the 24 year old work full time and pay their own bills so I am so confused as to why my future husband would coddle this adult child and never make her grow up.
How long have you been
How long have you been dating? If you're not living together, it hardly sounds acceptable for you to be telling him what rules to set in his household. "I would like her to at least let us know that she is on her way or coming over" This isn't your house, and chances are, it's a routine they've been doing for a long time before you came in the picture. I'm not saying eventually you shouldn't have a say in this, but right now it seems to early. It's going to come off as kind of controlling regardless of how you say it.
If I were you, I'd try to befriend the girl and THEN make some moves directly with her. She's an adult. I'd befriend her and wait a while, then start making small comments about how nice it is to be financially sound. Point out different job ads that she might be interested in. Talk about the benefits of working full-time or going to school full-time instead of half assing both the way she is lol.
I know you have good points here, I'm just worried they'll come across wrong since it's so early and you're not even living together yet. I'm 22 and I still drop by my mom and stepdads house pretty often. I let them know first, but once I get there I'll sit at the table with a book, grab a coffee, etc. and they don't mind at all. My stepdad actually asks my mom "when is sunshinex coming over next we haven't seen here in a while" if i don't show up for a while!
Sometimes parents and their children have closer relationships than others. I don't think it's right that she's fairly dependent on her dad/grandma but maybe they have some sort of deal until she's done college. Have you asked?
Read, "...without ever saying
Read, "...without ever saying a word to either of us or announcing she was there, she then sat at the kitchen table and read a magazine that she bought until we went to the kitchen."
Key phrase here is "without saying a word to either of us ..." Who does that? Walk into a house and not even acknowledge the other human beings who are there - no matter who they are!
I don't think there is any "befriending" this young woman so I will have to disagree with your advice. Furthermore, if OP attempts to make conversation with her about her plans for school, suggesting jobs, etc. it will only make matters worse. If that advice is to come, it should be from her father.
The SD will undoubtedly to tell OP to mind her own business, rightly so.
Tne rudeness is the only
Tne rudeness is the only thing I would have a problem with.
I only talk about jobs when
I only talk about jobs when she brings t up first, she mentioned trying waitressing and I told her they make really good money in tips ( both my daughters waitressed) and I agree I wouldn't say a word I talk to future dh and tell him it's his daughter and he needs to talk to her about issues. I've told him if she is rude to me I will leave and go home as I refuse to let her act rude to me. He said I need to tell her if she's rude ( I think he's afraid of making her mad) and I said no way if he can't it's not my place if we are married and she comes to the house and is rude I will just leave and once I'm gone enough he will get the hint.
We have dated two years and I
We have dated two years and I move in next winter when we marry. I have befriend her and we get along good but I think she needs to learn that her father is not alone now and things have changed. Like you said you let your mom and step dad know you are stopping by and that is all we ask ( her dad already had this talk wit her a few months ago) it would be highly uncomfortable for everyone for her to walk into the house and see something she doesn't need to. I'm sure you wouldn't want your mom and step dad to just walk into your home when you had someone there? Her dad had told her when we marry he won't pay her bills as t wouldn't be fair to pay for her and not my kids but I think she thinks he's just bluffing. I work hard to make a good relationship with her but feel that ahe needs to learn it goes both ways. She told me at Christmas that having one child makes everhing they do more special and I was floored that she actually thinks she's more special then any of my five... they are all loved and special.
This is where you have to be
This is where you have to be careful. You say you "get along good" but it appears as though you are making all the effort and are working hard at the relationship and you are not getting much in return. This is unlikely to change, and may get worse.
The reality is that SD would probably prefer that you are not around, period. As your wedding day draws closer expect that the drama will increase.
Next will be SD getting her father to the side and making sure that you and your five kids aren't going to be getting any of "her" inheritance!
That's the last thing I want,
That's the last thing I want, she get her inheritance... I am keeping my own home and my kids get that and the money I have invested. I will put him as beneficiarie on my life insurance with him knowing if I die he pays my bills and gives money to my kids as his daughter will be well taken care of if he dies. I know that he has said he will make sure I am taken care of if anything happens to him but he majority will be hers and rightly should be.
I'm so sorry about your
I'm so sorry about your husband.
In some families, it's perfectly normal for the child to walk in like they still live there. In my family, it's not okay and we were all told that. We never had keys to the house, even if we were staying there temporarily. But I had friends that could go to their parent's house anytime, whether they were home or not.
I, personally, think it's rude to be an adult and to just help yourself to another adult's home. Family or not. But that's just me.
Is this the only behavior that's bothering you or are there other things that are ruffling your feathers?
She's not around a lot but
She's not around a lot but we do have to deal with her disrespect when I am there and she is. She has come on work nights and stayed until 10:30 dating her laundry and her dad even told her it's too late to come out but she picks and chooses instead of calling to see when a good time is. She will go into the living room and turn on the tv loud and fold laundry while we sit in the kitchen trying to talk over the tv. I've told him it's. It snchoice between his daughter and I, he loves us both and that is how it should be but it's not my place to tell her when she's rude, she also yelled at her grandma at Christmas and I was not happy about that but I was told by my fiancé that that is how they communicate☹️ My kids were shocked that she yellled st her grandma who just asked her a simple question.
Do not get married until you
Do not get married until you have some serious counseling about you and your fiance's HUGELY different parenting styles. To include what level of finances are appropriate to be giving adult kids.
Plus, your fiance sounds like he has allowed his daughter to be the main female in his life and that is a role she WILL NOT give up willingly. Her behavior towards both of you and the way she walks into his home is a clear indicator of that. And his lack of dealing with it shows he is not willing to change.
To be honest, I would not marry this man because when there is an unusual/unnatural attachment between a father and daughter it will be nearly impossible to overcome. You will find yourself in second place whenever there is a conflict - his daughter will ALWAYS come first for as long as he is alive.
DWW, those are exactly the
DWW, those are exactly the questions she needs answers to! But as many of us veterans know, even if asked point-blank Disney Dads will rarely answer truthfully. They will do all they can to appease all sides - throw a little bit of cooperation here, a touch of compromise there, and hope these temporary tactics will be enough of a band-aid to cover-up the hemorrhage they would prefer to ignore.
I totally understand the mini
I totally understand the mini wife and I also understand that she had her dad all to herself for 23 years until I came along so it is hard for her to grasp the concept that he would be able to love her and someone else. She also made him promise two years ago when we started dating that he would never be a dad to my kids ( how crazy and selfish since my youngest was 12 at the time) and that she would always be first. I would love to move into a neutral home that would a freah start for both families but he works from his home and moving isn't an option. I've told him over and over again that it feels like his house and hers and he tells me it is ours but I don't feel like it is. I would never allow my kids to just waltz through the door and not at least say hello. My kids have been to his house twice in two years. Their situation is different but I highly doubt that he raised her to question his love. I also am a step daughter and would never have dreamed of treating my step mom like this, my father loved her and she loved him and who am I to say who and what would happen in their lives? I've been on both sides and being a good loving step daughter is easy, all you have to do is try and know that no matter what you are loved.
"She also made him promise
"She also made him promise two years ago when we started dating that ... she would always be first."
Are you kidding me??? You still want to marry this man after he has PROMISED his daughter that she will always be first?
How will those wedding vows of yours go? Will your DH look you in the eye and say: "I, DH, will promise to love, honor, respect and finance my daughter first. If there is any love, honor, respect or money left, then I will give it to you, Buckeye."
How's that sound? Because that's what you are setting yourself up for.
My SD28 is an only child. I
My SD28 is an only child. I have 4 young kids. She makes remarks all the time about him having a'new family', going on about how she isn't comfortable around me, doesn't interact with my kids at all.
You said you could understand the sentiment. I can't. She is a grown woman. It makes no sense to try to destroy her father's happiness so that she can be daddy's baby. I don't get it at all.
Maybe the step daughter was
Maybe the step daughter was worried about her dad (who I presume is a little older) wearing himself out trying to parent minor children. And she could be worried that he would be pressured to spend his money on them. I'm not saying it's right but I can understand her concerns. Especially if her father is living on a fixed income.
He is in his 50's so not old
He is in his 50's so not old and defiantly not living on a fixed income. She is selfish and wants to be the center of his world. Would it seem evil if my kids said " she has no mom so we don't want you to be a mom to her"... I would be disappointed in the people that I raised if they did. Love is limitless, you don't run out because you love more people. My youngest was 11 then so it's not like he's chasing children around, my kids are self sufficient and require a lot of work or money he gets social security from his father since he died. It was purely saying " make sure I am the only one you love. I in turn try to do things for her that don't push any limits but things a mom would do. Anything I do for my kids I do for her but she seems okay with that... she just wants it all and that a very unhealthy attitude for an adult.
I understand that she spent
I understand that she spent 17 years alone with just him so me being in The picture is hard for her but it doesn't mean that allows her to have her selfish attitude. She is very entitled. It's just sad and I'm sorry your ad is using your children to guilt your husband, that's wrong... why isn't she excited that she has more siblings and a big family?
You expect a lifelong only
You expect a lifelong only child to be happy to have instant siblings living in her childhood home that are in no way biologically related to her? HAHAHAHAHA that's adorable.
Nope, I expect her to act
Nope, I expect her to act like an adult, or we could just live in my house and she could see how hard my kids will have it.. it's not like it's just her having to adjust to the changes and she's not the only step kid involved.
He didn't say she came first
He didn't say she came first but we have discussed this and I've told him marriage will fail if I always come second. Like I said before I'm thankful she's not there often so except for the every couple week laundry visit we are okay. ive thought about getting some counseling before we marry to have a non biased party give their opinion to both of us. I'm for sure not always right but I'm also not always wrong.
It is a farm and he has to be
It is a farm and he has to be there... I so wish we had a different t home that would be new to everyone. I'm cleaning out and getting rid of a ton of stuff for the move and he still has her crib, changing table and dresser from her nursery. I've told him we can't hold on to all of our past and combine homes.
She doesn't want them, she
She doesn't want them, she has stated more then a few times that she will never have kids. Plus I told him I'm not sure about recalls or safety as they are 24 years old and probably not up to code for a newborn. He has just saved everything... still has a turntable he bought in high school. It is hard combing two homes but it's sure a lot easier if you're not the one moving at least from where I sit).
She doesn't want them, she
She doesn't want them, she has stated more then a few times that she will never have kids. Plus I told him I'm not sure about recalls or safety as they are 24 years old and probably not up to code for a newborn. He has just saved everything... still has a turntable he bought in high school. It is hard combing two homes but it's sure a lot easier if you're not the one moving at least from where I sit).
She's not being coddled, they
She's not being coddled, they are helping her. :? :? She's in college, working and pays half her rent. Coddling would be paying for everything while she sits on her butt and does nothing.
Youndo not live in his home. Expecting to have a say in his daughter coming over is wrong. If you don't like her popping in(I don't blame you at all),then simply stop going over. Have him come to your home instead.
The man has one kid. Chances are he is able to do more for his 1 than you wouldvbe able to do for your 5. If he had as many children as you do, perhaps he would do much less.
What he (and his mother)is doing isn't wrong. What you are doing with your kids isn't wrong either.
If he doesn't give her some
If he doesn't give her some boundaries now about the house it will be very hard when that house is our home and she will be very resentful of me. I feel he could explain that for years he was alone and stopping by unannounced was not a big deal but as we have two days together and she knows this that she could learn to have a little respect and call ahead. I love to visit with her but people's lives change and as he has said before she has her own home and this one will be ours. I don't want all the changes to take place when I move in or it will be all on my shoulders hatnher life has changed. And as the coddling goes it is coddling when you make a grown adult not responsible for themselves. She uses her money for tattoos and sushi and gets help from them for necessities, when the money from her dad stops she will have no clue how to deal with real life. Resposability is good at helping people learn life, she's 24 and only a sophomore in college because she only goes let time so she easily could get a job and work more hours to help out more. How long do adults actually think their family is supposed to support them?
You are trying to change
You are trying to change things that have zero impact on you at this time. You don't live in his home and he isn't spending your money on his daughter.
You're kidding yourself if you think you and this woman are going to get along. You are and THREE of your kids are moving into her dad's home. You are trying to change their family dynamic bec6his parenting style doesn't jive with yours. This is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Have the 2 of you considered having him moving into your home? Selling both homes that neither stepkids have an attachment to may also be a good idea.
Only my youngest is moving
Only my youngest is moving with me and I'd love for him to move to my home but he works from his home so it's easier to have me move to his. Moving to a new home would be ideal but again working from his home keeps him there. My kids lost their father and now the youngest will be moved to a home that I will try hard to make his also. She isn't the only step child involved but seems to be the only one having a problem with things. My kids are not having it any easier and that's what needs to be understood it's not an all about her thing. Future dh does see that she tries to cause problems, he asked if he would rather he have her not come to his house and tell her he will go visit her at her place and I said absolutely not, that would be wrong… Just give her some boundaries, she is an adult if she was a child it would be so different.
I told him from our second
I told him from our second date that if his daughter was going to be an issue there would not be a problem that he wouldn't have to choose because I would gone. He tries but she lays on the guilt trip about her mom not talking to her or sending her birthday or Christmas gifts and he feels guilty. It's so sad I see her treat her dad like this.
Good advice and defiantly
Good advice and defiantly money needs to be talked about before I move in. Even if he continues to give to her I won't for my kids, I want them to be healthy stable adults and so far so good. Knock on wood.
You also need to talk about
You also need to talk about what may happen if SD (or one of your kids) fails to launch. What is the expectation for adult skids moving back in?
You sound like you will tell your kids to dust themselves off and figure out a way to get back on their feet independently.
But I am sure he will say his daughter would be welcome back in the home at any time for any length of time. Even if she gets married, has kids and gets divorced. At some point she may want to run back home to daddy. After all, he has promised her she will always be first.
These, and many other step family issues, are ones that you and your future DH should be discussing with a family counselor who specializes in stepfamilies.
I have thought about this and
I have thought about this and I'm bringing a teenager too and I'm sure he will have issues that future dh will want to address as we do parent quite differently. It's not going to be anything like it is now on our nights together. It worries me about the changes being too much for him to handle. He is trying, he's putting away things that have been out for years ( crafts his daughter made in school that he set out and just left because he had no reason not to). He will also figure out the family photo wall, as naturally he would,he has like 18 pictures of his only child on the wall but I have three/ four of my five each on my wall.... I'm giving him the photos and telling him to put up what he likes but if it is "our home" his child can't have 18 pictures and mine get one or two, my kids need to feel comfortable coming to our home too. Second marriages are hard.
Welcome to the site. The
Welcome to the site.
The advice about getting some counseling before tying the knot is an excellent idea.
The promise your future SD extracted from your fiancé was pretty chilling and does not bode well. The most important thing, as many posters have already said, is your future DH's attitude and response to her reqyest.
If you will be second forever, is that good enough for you?
If the way he treats you is determined by what his daughter wants, is that ok with you?
You are not out of line to expect that anyone not living in the house you call home (regardless of who holds title) call before coming and treat you with courtesy while there. Does future DH agree with that?
Tread carefully!
I'm thankful all the advice
I'm thankful all the advice I've gotten, I'm thinking I may suggest a family counselor. I agree his home is not mine right now but do we wait until I live there to make changes so they are all connected to me or just implement changes now so it's something everyone is used to. The stopping over rule and needing to call pertains to all the kids not just her. The extravagant spending on her at holidays, will my kids just sit and watch her open her hindrededs of dollars worth of gifts while they open what we get them? They will all be adults but one. This all needs to be addressed before we move in and not after. I can always do Christmas elsewhere with my kids but that's doesn't feel much like family. The best part about message boards is the mixed advice and we get to see both sides to each scenario.
You are SOOO very wise to
You are SOOO very wise to visit this site before marrying or making a commitment to this man! I only wish I had your wisdom before I took the plunge and married a man with an only-child daughter! I thought it was all going to be different for me. I wasn't going to be labeled a 'wicked step-mother'!
It's obvious you see the red flags already. The thing about red flags is that they only give you a small taste of what is in store for you if you choose to move forward on the same path. You do not get the complete picture until you are living the nightmare.
My SD is an only child. They come with unique characteristics. You future SD has never learned to share like your bios. The parents (or parent in your case) doted on them and told them they were better, smarter, more deserving than anyone else. What we see as rudeness, the parents of an only child view as 'cute' or 'positively determined'. If your SO moves in with you your future SD will still walk into the home as if she owns it because she has been taught she is welcome everywhere. The fact that she ignores you and treats you as an underling is because she honestly believes it.
Shortly after I married DH, I had to remain away from home for a couple of months for my job. I was allowed one weekend off. SD had been living in my home with DH. No one met me at the airport so I had to rent a car. When I arrived home I had to clean the house from the mess they had made of it. When DH got home from work I asked for some private time together. He could not bring himself to ask his daughter to give us some time. She finally allowed us to have one hour together. During that hour DH cried like a baby about asking his daughter for the time. The next morning I returned to the job.
Over the next 20 years I tried my best to improve my relationship with an adult woman who despised me and did not want to share her Dad with me. I was never first. It actually worsened with every year that went by. You are probably asking why I stayed with this man. I can not give you a good answer other than I kept fooling myself that things would get better.
It finally came to a head 6 years ago with SD's meltdown and DH's cowardly reaction to it. The result is that DH chose to work on the marriage and SD was banned from my home. What is really sad is that there are no winners here. DH is welcome to visit her just about whenever he wants but he hasn't done so in 6 years. It seems as if SD has cut her Father out of her life. I live every day knowing that DH sacrificed his relationship with his daughter to remain married to me. Not what I had envisioned when we first got married.
One of the other posters wrote that your SO may SAY he is going to make sure that SD respects you and he might even give you the impression the marriage will be his top priority. What needs to happen is that he must take action and set boundaries with SD BEFORE you get married.
You're cleaning out your own
You're cleaning out your own life to move into his hoarded mess and he and his daughters home.
You want a husband but your man already has a mini wife who he will continue to put first.
It would be nice for your child to have a father figure but SD won't allow it.
It'd be nice to have an ours home but that ain't gonna happen and you know it.
You're hoping that you can move in, stake your claim and change their dynamic. Sadly we all know how this story ends.
Do you really want to marry this man or the man you're hoping he'll become after all the changes are made?
My phone bill is $315 a month
My phone bill is $315 a month so more then her half of the rent and my daughter also pays all her own bills besides. I have been determined to raise children who can live on their own when the time came. I want them to know the hard times in life and to conquer any problem that comes their way. I'm thinking counseling is sounding like a good idea and an impartial person who won't take side but be neutral like here on the board where you get both sides of s situation.
I would say that if you were
I would say that if you were living together you would have a viable concern. Make sure he rectifies this before either of you move in with the other.
Buckeye - do not move in with
Buckeye - do not move in with him.... never...... or at least till his daughter is married off.
Believe me sharing a house with another woman is no fun.... Then the day you move in you change everything, wall color, curtains you name it, SD can not say anything about it. If she says but I live here first, laugh and say and now I'm living here you not.... so eff off...
You simply refuse to get married till DH has this baby out of his wallet, give it a dead line.... after age 25 she should graduate immediately or at least work allot more hours, you will not marry a guy who's supporting another woman, I'm sorry I will not.... I do not even live with SO, I moved out and his brat is a teen...
We talked about me slowly moving back this year, cause Aergia is leaving next year, hell that lasted one night, I made it clear I will not even try, also made it very clear the day she moves out will be the day the locks are changed, she will not be allowed to come and go as she please, she will ask in advance if she wants to bring entourage with her or I will refuse them staying there.... I live in a house not in a 5 start Hotel...
She doesn't live there now
She doesn't live there now but has full access to the house 24/7. I have kids too and I'm sure my son who will be just shy of 16 when we marry will bring a list of new things for us to deal with too. All the rules are for all of the grown children, please let us know when your coming and don't assume you can just walk in and do laundry and plop in front of the tv or take over "our home" any more then you would welcome us to do it at their home. I've decided some counseling is needed for us to make this move and marriage work. I did tell him that he needs to remember that my son and I are leaving everything we know as normal to move in with him so we have more changes then he and his daughter do. If he thinks it's easier to move then he should move to my home and see how he feels then. He may be cleaning out a little stuff but we are moving everything and leaving all of our history and past behind and none of that is easy either. Blended families are not easy but if we can't form a marriage to be a foundation for the new family then it will surely be in for a rough road. Thanks for the good advice.
It sounds like you really
It sounds like you really resent having to disrupt your child's life and yours to move into your SO's home. If you really don't want to do it, why are you? Why not make him move into your home? Or LAT (live apart together)?
I do not resent it, I do
I do not resent it, I do dislike the fact that some people think one sided and that only my step daughter will have a big change in her life when it's clearly not that way
So damn true, Buckeyemom. I'm
So damn true, Buckeyemom. I'm so sick of that myself. I've told my DH, "yes, I know it's an adjustment for all of you for a new woman to live here." His headed nodded vigorously. "But," I went on, "I've had to adjust to FOUR of you! You all get one, I get FOUR. Plus I left my entire house behind."
Buckeye, I think you are wise to pull back a little. It is very, very difficult to live in someone else's house. If I had it to do over again I would insist we buy a house together. I thought I could do this for him but it's made me miserable for 4 years.
I'm unable to keep house to my own standards--heck, to the standards of any civilized person--because of all the drama it involves. I have come to absolutely hate this house.
If there's anyway you can buy a new one together, I really think it's the wisest thing.
Chief grownup that is exactly
Chief grownup that is exactly what my best friends have said since we talked about marrying and I'd love a new to all of us home but I am hoping that since it will be just the two of us and my then 16 year old son it would hopefully work out. My heart hurts that you love your husband so much but don't feel at home where you are
Buckeye - I am sorry bt if
Buckeye - I am sorry bt if you do not live in the house you will not have keys and come and go as you please...
Do not move in. Too many red
Do not move in. Too many red flags. And not only will you come 2nd, your kids especially the one living with you will feel even worse.
I dont think its fair to put your kids in this situation. Wait a few years see how your BF treats you and if he is capable of setting healthy boundaries.