I do not want my own kids with my husband until my step kid(s) are older? Has anyone else done this?
Good Morning-
I have recently become engaged to a man with a 9 year old daughter who has an inactive mother (she lives in AZ with us until we move back home to NY). Her mother does not call, or provide financially. Recently I have become concerned about how her home life structure will be as her dad, who is easy going will let her visit her mom when we get home. I have a few concerns with this:
-Her mom does not provide structure, it will be hell every week to reset future SD when she returns home.
-Her mom focuses on her new baby, has tossed SD to the side and does not provide.
-Her mom does not want to watch her for 24-48 hours straight, before me my Fiance would take SD after school at 4 and pick her up at 7 or 8pm to appease BM. This will change when we move home in six months. If she can't watch her for a day, I will not participate in the foolishness of driving across town breaking her day/structure/routine up.
-SD is an active liar, lies about using my makeup, which she had on her shirt when I confronted her.
-Recently injured my puppy so she is not currently allowed to play with her.
-Has become defiant, she is generally a very good and sweet kid but I find myself asking her to do things about 7-8 times before she does this. My fiance backs me up, but its clear before me (a year ago) he did not discipline her regularly. Which I do not plan on disciplining her besides "taking things away" but never spanking.
-My fiance mentioned he wanted three kids once we married, SD heard this and said "daddy you can have one kid, that is too many". Of course this is not her choice. We will probably have 2 or 3.-She only wants me to "buy her things" and never wants to listen to me. Perhaps this is most kids. But I have also mentioned I am more interested in being an "auntie" to her. He wants me to be her "mother". She knows who her mother is and despite her mother not being active she worships her. I would prefer to treat her like my nephews and nieces, give advice, show her the ropes, only spend on xmas and bdays and allow him to lead. I should also mention I want him to lead financially because she has an able bodied mother who is 27 that he chooses not to fight for child support. Her mother is hiding under the "joint custody" umbrella lol.
Being that I want to raise my kids extremely different I want to propose to my fiance that we have children in 3-4 years. I am 30, and would prefer to be an older mom, perhaps we can have kids around the time I am 33/34. He is 34 (but ok with being an older dad as we are both fit) I believe this will allow his daughter the opportunity to grow up, and remove some confusion about raising our children once they become toddlers/adolescents as she will be on her way to college by then. In conclusion, please as non-judgmentally as possible give me advice, or have you or know someone this approach has worked for?
Why do you want kids with
Why do you want kids with someone who can't get their current one under control? What's going to change in a few years time in terms of the way he parents? I would think about this first and foremost.
I wouldn't want kids with someone at ANY time if they're not the type of parent I want to raise children with.
I want kids with him because
I want kids with him because he is an absolutely great father, but his daughter going between homes causes a stir with structure. Is it wrong to propose work with BM on structure?
He's not a great father.
He's not a great father.
"My fiance backs me up, but its clear before me (a year ago) he did not discipline her regularly."
How often does the child go
How often does the child go to BMs? I'm not sure it was mentioned in the original post.
BM in our case sucks with structure. SD actually said yesterday that "nobody taught mommy how to be a mommy" because she realizes moms are supposed to provided guidance, rules, and healthy food, like I do lol.
SD only sees BM in the summer and on some holidays, so when she gets back, she's in a pretty crappy condition in regards to listening, eating normal, etc. We shape her up in a couple of days, though, even after a month with her mom.
It's unfortunately up to your husband to make sure he's making up for the lack of structure. That means explaining to SD that while mommy's house is a certain way, home with him and disneyfan is different because she needs structure. Than he has to be the "mean" parent and make sure it happens.
We hate it too. It sucks being the mean ones. We sometimes hear "i wanna go to mommy's" when she gets in trouble because she knows she wouldn't be in trouble at her moms. But at the end of the day, she knows who her REAL parents are - who's raising her properly, even if she's young.
@sunshinex thank you for your
@sunshinex thank you for your comment, its refreshing to get a non-judgmental perspective.
She will be going over there probably just weekends when we go home.
That is amazing your SD realizes the important role a mom plays and what goes along with it! I would imagine that has to be hard when your SD goes away for the summer and holidays.
You are right, he is too easy going in my opinion. Like I said she is in general a good kid but the whole asking her to do things more than once at her age is getting to me a bit.
Yes, that is his job to be mean. She does know she has more structure with us, but my biggest fear for my fiance is her BM will want her back when the "hard work" is done around 13-14. Which is why I said I would prefer to have kids when she is older. But I have been unable to get feedback on whether that has worked for people on here as most feedback is negative. Thanks for your response!
Well, I can't say whether or
Well, I can't say whether or not it's worked. What I can say is I waited... I waited until DH was a better parent - one who parented exactly the same way I would want to parent our children together. And I told him that. He knew from a couple years ago that I wanted SD following the same rules/guidance our child would be, when we had one. So he got onboard.
It was important to him that both kids were treated the same, so I kind of played on that to be honest. It's manipulative but hey, it worked. I told him if our child together has strict rules and structure than he/she won't get in trouble often, whereas if SD doesn't have strict rules and structure than she'll always be in trouble - at least with me.
I think that made him picture it a bit... having two kids, one who is always getting in shit from SM and one who isn't. I told him it wouldn't be because SD isn't mine but because she would behave worse than ours given the difference in parenting.
That worked super well for me. DH is stricter than I am now (and I was raised by an ex-military mom AND dad lol). We're currently TTC because I feel entirely comfortable that both kids will be held to the same standard and he feels comfortable knowing both kids will be treated the same because of this.
Oh another thing to think
Oh another thing to think about... There are repercussions for kids who don't learn to be structured and diciplined. If they don't follow direction at school, work, etc. they fail or get fired. If they don't follow the law they can go to jail. There's lots of examples you can use. And I'm certain that structure and rules as a child make a HUGE difference in success in life. I told DH this and it was kind of eye opening for him. He didn't realize letting SD get away with little things at a young age would have any impact on her ability to follow rules in real life later on.
Now she doesn't get away with anything. Even though she's 5, she's expected to pick up after herself, turn lights off when she leaves the room, do a few chores (feeding the cats, setting the table, etc.) and in general behave properly. If she doesn't do what she's supposed to do, she has consequences: taking toys away, standing in the corner for 5 minutes, and if she forgets or half-asses a chore and we realize at night, she will get woken up to do it.
Yeah, it's harsh, but dicipline is SO important for work ethic, grades, etc.
That is fair and sound
That is fair and sound advice, thank you.
ok, thank you.
ok, thank you.
ok, thank you.
ok, thank you.
@Disneyfan He is a great
@Disneyfan
He is a great father when it comes to her education, keeping her clothed and fed. Spends time with her activities wise. He also is good in general about her discipline, and I stand corrected its clear the discipline a year prior to me was not consistent I should say but definitely there. Would I say he is not a great father, absolutely not, he backs me up when I discipline her verbally taking things away we are on the same page but I do feel at times she is not mature for her age. Not sure if you have any thoughtful input on this?
Thanks for your comments.
Also, I believe she has a "Disney mom". So it has made it hell for him to get that structure back in between homes.
OMG Backing you up when you
OMG
Backing you up when you discipline his kid, instead of doing it himself, doesn't make him a good parent. It makes him a game player. He is using you to do his dirty work. When the kid starts pushing back, it will be directed at YOU not HIM.
You will be the bad guy and he will be the knight in shining armor who is just going along with what you want to keep the peace. When it is all said and done, SD will view you the way you view BM.
Why do you WANT to have
Why do you WANT to have children with this man? :? :? Nothing you posted paints him as daddy material.
"I should also mention I want him to lead financially because she has an able bodied mother who is 27 that he chooses not to fight for child support."
Why are you allowing this? Making mom pay CS should be a deal breaker. It's one thing for mom to refuse to pay, but for dad to let her off the hook while you work and help provide for the home that the 3 of you will live in is WRONG.
I agree, I have mentioned she
I agree, I have mentioned she needs to pay child support and before we get married I will ensure of it or we wont
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@Anonymama Thanks for your
@Anonymama
Thanks for your comment, to clarify he does not pay BM child support. They have joint custody, thus no child support is paid on either side just financial support when she is with both parent from the parent.
The problem is she is with us 90% of the time. So I believe he needs to put her on child support.
Are you a step mom? Do you regret your decision? Just curious as I am venting privately right now, not wanting to share my concerns with friends or family.
I met DH when I was 24. I'm
I met DH when I was 24. I'm 30 now. We just had a baby and she's the best thing in my life but.....
It's been hell with SS15 and BM. Man if I could do it all over....
Are you sure this is what you want? Step daughters seem to be the worst. Things probably won't get any better, I'm sorry to say.