Save for your retirement of course.

It sounds like you haven't had much say in how they're raised, and if that's the case, why should you have responsibilities without rights?

My husband lets me have FULL rights to raising his daughter - from rules to dicipline and everything in between. He makes sure she's respectful to me and lets me have equal decision making in everything regarding my household and the child who lives in it. So I have no problem paying for her education. She's only 5 but we share money and I support her financially as much as he does (more if you count that i make more money than he does).

BUT i would NOT be contributing anything to her if I didn't have equal say in her behaviour. I don't think it's right for a stepparent to have responsibility/obligations without any rights. Just like I don't think it's right for a stepparent to have rights without responsibility/obligations (stepparents who want to tell their stepkids what to do and how to behave while at the same time refusing to help pay for/raise them).

Don't pay a thing towards their education. If your wife didn't give you the ability to raise them as your own, you don't have the responsibility to pay for them as your own. If she tries to let you have rights just so you'll pay, refuse. If you weren't good enough to be an equal parent before, you're not good enough to be an equal parent just because you open your wallet.

I think only you can answer that question, because it is up to you and no one else. You can't have it both ways. Either you have no authority and no responsibility, or you have authority and responsibility. However, when it comes to step-parenting, most people think you are to settle for no authority but with responsibility. You are to give and give and suck it up and take it and take the high road, yet have no authority over SKs whatsoever. Who would have thunk?!

It seems to me like in your home you have no authority. If that is the way they want it, then you have no responsibility for these children or their situation either. It is your $$ to do with as you please.

Is that a real question (wink)?

I have a disrespectful lazy SD17 who will be turning 18 and graduating soon and I REFUSE to contribute anything towards her development at all period. Disengaged stepparents will tell you the same thing, over and over. No obligation, nada. Your wife is contributing to the problem and she needs to "buck up", because she will realize that her two kiddies are going to drain her the older they get.

My SD17, she was just bounced for shoplifting last month. Nice little fine of $250. The older they get the more expensive they get... and the more trouble they get into a well.

You have zero input so you have zero obligation.

"...45 years old, can't hold a job, lives with his mom and plays video games constantly..."

Wowzers, he sounds like such a WINNER! I know a few ladies who would LOVE to meet, marry, and take care of him!!!

Said no sane woman EVER. What IS it with these middle-aged deadbeat dads who live with Mommy and game all day long?? Crikey. I was just talking about my ex yesterday. And he's also 45. Ruh-roh. Did someone hook up with my ex?????

Pay for college of course!

Why would you even have to ask? They are children and need you to help them with their lives. Just look at their father, his parent are still helping them aren't they?
You don't just abandon children! Even if they aren't yours and are lazy, self centred and rude.

You knew she had kids when you got married and you should have known what you were in for. Now you've made a commitment, had a child and should be the bigger person!

I'm brushing up on my Trolling skills! How am I doing?

Forbes from 2013

Still holds true.

http://www.forbes.com/forbes/welcome/?toURL=http://www.forbes.com/sites/...

http://www.forbes.com/forbes/welcome/?toURL=http://www.forbes.com/sites/...

Even Forbes reports DO NOT PAY FOR KIDS COLLEGE.

I won't even pay for my SS's car insurance let alone a college education. Ummm NO WAY!! Save for your retirement and let BM and BD handle the Skids.
I didn't expect my DH to pay for my BS's education, or anything for that matter. I supported my BS just fine before I met DH and I kept doing it after.
DH and BM felt I should contribute to the indulgence of their little princes initially after we got married. I put the kibosh on that immediately and let them know there would be NO funds from this SM toward the entitled brats they raised. I have held true to my word. And I have built a nice little retirement savings for myself.

You look out for YOUR retirement, her kids, her problem(s). But, as lazy as they sound, higher education may not be all that easy to come by....

Disrespectful or darling, you are not their parent. You are a legal stranger to your wife's older kids which means you are not obligated to support them now, much less fund their college. And it doesn't matter that their dad is a deadbeat; he's the man your wife chose to father her children, so don't get caught up in playing the hero rescuer.

I've been down the road of financially helping skids, and found it really unfufilling.

Why are you looking at colleges with your wife? She may take that to mean that you plan to help pay for her kid's education. You really need to get out in front of this and make up your mind, or you're going to look like the bad guy when you say no after the skids have come up with a plan that depends on your support. Either pay, don't pay, or offer a token amount, but be straight with your wife about it. And for goodness sakes, don't cosign for any student debt.

My step daughter did well at her community college. I would have helped with her four year program, but I had one condition. She had to ask me herself. She refused and told her dad that she didn't want my "dirty money." No good turn goes unpunished with SD.

Definitely save for your retirement. I was in a similar situation about 7years ago. Second marriage, skids on both sides..Separate bank accounts, separate philosophies about saving...something that may eventually make me want to leave since I have told DH clearly that if he chooses to piss his money away "giving the kids the things he never had" then I will not be supporting him in retirement. Not sure he really believes me, but that is his problem.

So DH forked out £90,000 for tuition for SS to get a professional degree. Then he forgave him the debt before the skid paid back a penny. So, what does skid do, he gets a job which pays reasonably, and proceeds to spend more than his cash flow and ends up in credit card debt and ruins his credit rating. He was back here last week asking for further funding so he can buy a house! I cannot tell DH what to do, but I CAN make a plan B about whether such differing financial philosophies are worth enduring.

You are absolutely right to make it HER responsibility only as to whether those skids get any "loans" or "gifts". These days most degrees are a waste of money for people too young to benefit from it. Better to get in the workforce and partake of in-house training. A lot of emloyers will eventually sponsor a degree if you show promise. At my company, they offer MBA funding to anyone...I was over 40 and they sponsored me.

Stay strng because you can bet your bippy those skids won't be helping YOU in retirement.

This isn't even a decision. You nor your DW need to be looking for colleges for these kids. If they don't give a shit enough about their own future to research and apply then they don't go to college. Also, unless they are either in school full time or working full time they do not live at home after either their HS graduation or 18th birthday whichever comes first.

This is what we did with my SS-24. We were clear. He could attend any college in the world he selected as long as he got in and kept acceptable grades. Nope, he never made application. He procrastinated and his mom and I kept bugging the crap out of him to get is butt in school. Finally a few weeks after he graduated from HS (at 17yo) he approached me for a man to man talk. His message was that he appreciated the opportunity his mom and I were offering him but he knew that he was not ready to study and apply himself. He directly told me that it "would be a waste of his time and our money" for him to go to school at that time. After a few more weeks he informed us that he was also not interested in getting a job.

So, is mom and I had a choice. Boot him out to figure it out on his own or .... facilitate his finding clarity. So we chose to provide him with clarity. We turned him into our unpaid beck and call boy/chore bitch and we worked that kids butt off. He scrubbed, cleaned, polished, dusted, wiped, mopped, vacuumed, sanded, painted, pressure washed, repaired, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, fried, roasted, sautéed, smoked, brazed, grilled, plated, served, washed, folded, put away, etc, etc, etc.... for 3-4mos until he enlisted in the USAF on delayed entry. We kept working is butt off until he reported for BMT.

I would turn off the wifi and cable TV when his mom and I left for work in the AM and turn it back on when we got home. If he failed to complete his daily excessive list of chores... the next day we left him on the doore step whe we left for work and he had to complete that days and the previous days chores before we left for work the next AM and he could not disturb us while sleeping.

He gained clarity and now nearly 6 years later he is appreciative of the lessons he learned during the 8mos between his 18th birthday and the day he started Basic.

I would say that the 18yo is on the cusp of forfeiting his opportunity for college on your's and his mother's dime and the 16yo is approaching that point. Time for you and DW to sit the 18yo down and inform him once and only once.... he gets off of his butt and makes application to colleges (you and DW will give him a selection to choose from). No statement of consequences, just "do it and do it now" then let him blow his opportunity or not. Once he blows it he is out on HS graduation day (or some short horizon day following graduation).

I would start heating up the message to both of them by shutting down the wifi and cable except when you and/or DW are home and wanting to use it.

We have kept that message clear for our son. He knows that he is always welcome to visit but not to live with his mom and I for extended periods of time. So far... he has navigated adulthood very effectively on his own. We did buy him an new car just before he reported for Basic and have kept him on our insurance. We figured since he enlisted and would handle his own college education with his own money and education benefits that a new car was a good final bit of support from his mom and I. We keep him on the insurance because it allows us to retain insurance in the US as expats who do not own a car in the States. He gets the benefit of that as do we.

Time for you and DW to parent with clear objectives and giving the SS's clarity that their couch potato gaming addicted lives will not be tolerated for one second after either HS graduation or they turn 18 whichever comes first.

As it looks right now.... save your money and when the SKids blow their college opportunity move that money into your retirement investment accounts.

Dupe.

It makes zero sense to pay for any child's education at the expense of your own retirement. Because if you end up penny less and old the kids will (if they are decent) end up supporting you. Much better you have your retirement secure and they pay back some student loans over their working lifetime. If you or your wife have some spare money and want to help them then that is your choice. Not sure I would want to support someone who was disrespectful to me.

easy one - you safe money for your 5 year old's education and your retirement.... the older 2 children is not your children, you are already paying for a roof over their heads and food on the table, it's way more then what you should be paying.

It's not your problem if their biological parents can't send them off to college

I am of the belief that a parent should manage their own finances in a manner that avoids the parent ever being a financial burden on their children. This was a clear message that my parents gave to my brother and I as we were growing up. They also set the goal that they would provide us with a college education which they most definitely helped with.

So... they have very likely met their two primary goals regarding contributing to the lives of their children.

Invest in your retirement and do what you can to help the Skids with college .... if their performance warrants it. If they deliver you and their dad an adequate grade report at the end of every semester then give them a tuition check. If they produce inadequate grades.... give them nothing and they take out loans for the next semester.

Our kid and USAF gave a huge gift to our retirement accounts. His mom and I are off the hook for his college costs.

I did not read all the posts. I have a stepdad who I moved in with when I was 16. I was not like your skids but I did disrespect him sometimes but he still did things for me like pay car insurance until I was out of college. If was I a brat to him and did not work or contribute to my car I had when I was in highschool and college I can promise you there is not way in hell he would have given me anything.

When I went to college, he co-signed my loans so I could pay for it, my mom couldn't but she later when she was finally out of the hole my BD left her in she was able to co-sign for the first car new car I bought. Even my own BM did not put her future at risk to pay for my education. She told me from the beginning and so tit my Stepdad that I would be paying for college, that they will not put themselves in a situation to where they are working until they are like 80 or in debt just because of the decisions I have made in my life.

They did help here and there like paid car insurance and what not. Again I worked all through college and never asked them for money to go out or for food. I was 19 and more than capable. Your skids are more than capable of figuring it out on their own. It will make them better contributing member to society.

I did not read all the posts. I have a stepdad who I moved in with when I was 16. I was not like your skids but I did disrespect him sometimes but he still did things for me like pay car insurance until I was out of college. If was I a brat to him and did not work or contribute to my car I had when I was in highschool and college I can promise you there is not way in hell he would have given me anything.

When I went to college, he co-signed my loans so I could pay for it, my mom couldn't but she later when she was finally out of the hole my BD left her in she was able to co-sign for the first car new car I bought. Even my own BM did not put her future at risk to pay for my education. She told me from the beginning and so tit my Stepdad that I would be paying for college, that they will not put themselves in a situation to where they are working until they are like 80 or in debt just because of the decisions I have made in my life.

They did help here and there like paid car insurance and what not. Again I worked all through college and never asked them for money to go out or for food. I was 19 and more than capable. Your skids are more than capable of figuring it out on their own. It will make them better contributing member to society.

Save for your retirement and your own child's education.
The education for your steps is on them and their biological parents.
If you have the money to contribute, do so only if you wish to as you are under no obligation to do so.

Save money. for your retirement

I would have the kids apply for financial aid with their dad's income (likely to be less and they may get a better grant). If they apply with your household income.. it has to include YOURS in the calculation. Note, that does not mean you personally are responsible, but if you make a decent amount, it is unlikely they will qualify for aid other than loans.