Thanks for the info. Sometimes you vent and then you feel guilty, and then you think, na-a-ah, and then you come back. I hope if she comes back she restores her original posts and comments, tho. There were many good comments on the both of them from multiple people. May have helped someone else.

I think the reason why everyone gets so quickly defensive here is because there are very few sites to go to for SMs period. The addendum at the top reads, "Where Stepparents come to vent." So, if that is what happens here, no one should be surprised. Some have termed this a negative website, and maybe in the sense that SPs come here to vent (which is gonna be more-so negative), it is. And, yes, some women do get carried away, and unfortunately, non-SMs read and focus only on these posts, and then spread the word about how all SMs suck, and see what someone at Steptalk posted, so of course they infer that if one SM or two posted something nasty, then they all must be that way.

No matter what, I really don't think you belong here unless you are a SP. Being both a BP and SP is great too, because many SPs are also BPs. The purpose of this forum is for SP issues, and BPs alone have their own issues and prejudices. And, there are plenty of websites for BPs. Just my take.

I have found this site to be very useful. I came here two years because I couldn't believe how asininely I was treated at a family event, and wanted to get to the bottom of it and figure out what the scoop was. Making a long story short, by coming here I realized that there is a lot of family bitterness over the divorce (or over BM passing, if that is how you came to be a SM) that is inaccurately or wrongly directed toward SMs, and society as a whole, basically goes along with this.

Things I've come to realize, and it took almost two years to realize this and start to accept it:
• As a SM, you will never have a traditional marriage.
• Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step hell.
• Most people will see you literally as the second wife, meaning that BM gets to overrule you any time, any place, even when SKs are adults. In the US, BM gets to overrule her ex- too.
• BM really does have a Golden Uterus (well, almost). So, BM will get a pass on just about any behavior. Bio-dad gets a couple of passes, and SM or step-dad, get none.
• There is very little genuine research that has been done on SPs, and even counselors will lap up unproven "givens" about SPs. For example, the given that SMs hog all of dad's time and won't let him see the kids. For me, and I know for others on these pages, since day one, I have nearly begged DH to do more with his kids, and he would definitely have an even lesser relationship with them if it wasn't for me.
• More than likely you will get screwed at weddings and other similar family events. Since society sees you as the 2nd wife, with BM in control, everyone will expect BM and DH to hang out together at family events. Yes, BM and DH are parents, but they are not a couple. Even tho. you’ve been married to DH for 15 years, for example, whenever BM is around, EVERYONE will think and treat BM and DH like a couple. SM or step-dad is merely seen as an object in the way.
• You will never get anywhere near the kudos you deserve for what you have done for this family and how you have kept it and them all together throughout the years. As a matter of fact, you may even be punished for your good efforts.
• AT the end of the day, try to put up with it the best you can until the SKs are adults, and then if the family still hasn’t figured out that you and DH are a couple and deserve to be treated like a couple 100% of the time, disengage from a family that expects you to continually pay the price for their divorce that happened XYZ years ago and that you had no part in. Just say NO whenever you feel No. Use NO wisely and use it well. They can all hang out together and sort out their own family ills. Granted, they may not miss SM, but they will miss their scapegoat.
• YOU on the other hand, love your DH, let him deal alone with the adult SKs (and SGKs) every chance you get, and enjoy yourself!