In BM's Shadow
Do any of you feel like the BM causes so much drama and destruction in your life that you are constantly in their shadow? I feel like the only thing we ever talk about is the drama that BM creates and how awful she is. I'm just so sick of her being apart of every single day of my life! I really love my husband and he has been great setting the boundaries with his two girls. The drama increased as soon as the youngest said she wanted to start calling me mommy. I told her and BM that I was not there to replace BM and was honored that SD wanted to call me something special, but they needed to decide together what that would be. BM told SD that "anything she wanted was fine" and proceeded to loose her shite as soon as SD decided on Mommy. I really tried to get along with BM, but how can you reason with crazy? I no longer have anything to do with the BM, but It is driving me crazy that she destroys from afar.....
^^ this^^
I am a confront the evil
I am a confront the evil kind-a guy myself. Rather than look at her as an interference in your day shit and look at BM as the pathetic source of entertainment that she is and make barring her ass your favorite hobby.
It worked wonders for my DW and I in countering the SpermClan's toxic crap when my SS-24 was between 2yo and 18yo.
And we had fun creatively destroying them. }:)
TBH, allowing another woman's
TBH, allowing another woman's child to call you "Mommy" is generally not going to sit well with a biomom. (crazy or not).
The Ex does care and I do feel like it infers that you are stepping on her toes a little bit. I know you didn't make the primary decision, but you could have declined that title.
My SD's always called me by my first name. I guess using Ms. X is probably too stilted for kids but, using mom or dad can cause hurt feelings and resentment.
I never said I let her call
I never said I let her call me Mommy, I said that is what she wanted. I ignored her when she tried to use that title for me as it is the same thing she calls BM. She finally settled on Dee....a shortened version of my name. I didn't try to make the BM the bad guy either. We had nothing but difficulty from her since day one so I told her I wanted her to be comfortable with the nickname I was given.
Yes, even SMs sometimes
Yes, even SMs sometimes expect SMs to do everything perfect. Kid wants to call you mom, so you tell her check with her BM 1st, and bingo!, now you're an a$$wipe for not being little miss perfect and saying, "No, dear. You can't call me mommy; you have a mommy already."
All I know is that at many adult SK weddings and other family events, BM has absolutely no problem acting like her ex's wife, without any permission from either SM (dad's wife) or the ex-. No one seems to have a problem with this? Seems to me if SMs are going to get their butts plummeted for "trying to act like a mom," then maybe BMs should get their butts equally kicked for trying to act like the ex's primary, if not one and only, wife!?
No. You handled the situation just fine, Constant work. But, I agree that you don't want your marriage with your husband to be about his ex-. It should be about you and your DH enjoying your life together. SK is a bonus, and hopefully it will stay that way.
Good advice. Out of sight,
Good advice. Out of sight, out of mind.
Of course her DH needs to make her aware of issues that will impact her and her household, but he can leave out the whiny details.
A child is also likely to bring up their other parent.. and I would practice that "Mmm Hmmm..that's nice so how was school today".
You guys are right and I have
You guys are right and I have cut the BM out of anything that I have to deal with on a daily basis. We are going through the courts with her now, so that is something we have to discuss, I just don't want it to be the only thing that we talk about. I appreciate your comments. Thank you! It re-enforces everything I keep telling myself.
I can say a resounding YES ON
I can say a resounding YES ON MY END. When we first began our relationship, however, he was 'separated but not divorced'. BM causes/causes much in the way of drama.
Firstly it was her dating life, and she was sleeping with every guy she had a date with, and would text and talk with SO about this.
Then there were the non-stop issues once she settled on a guy, who she has been with for almost 2 1/2 years. After months of drama, sometimes with SO and sometimes with Tweedle, there were the divorce proceedings dramas. This was very high-conflict, whereby She told him that she wanted him to die, etc.
We now treat it as the entertainment it really is.
Last Halloween, she and boyfriend Tweedle, went to a party, she drank too much and they got into a fighting match, where she opened the car door while it was still moving, fell out and rolled into a ditch, and then woke to black eyes, scratches and so forth. New years, at a party, Tweedle drank too much, was crawling around on the floor, and they got into another fight and she left him there.
Her eldest daughter, Winona SD18, is also about drama. A few weeks ago she texted both of us while we were enjoying a night by the firepit with cocktails, that Tweedle boyfriend was yelling at her, cursing and calling her C@nt, flipping her off, etc.
So it will NEVER end, I imagine.
Stop talking about her.
Stop talking about her. Accept she is going to do what she wants and will always be a difficult person regardless of anything you say or do. I used to be so worried about trying not to set her off, trying not to touch boundaries, keeping her for fighting with DH, doing things that might make her hate me less....hahahaha yeah. It'll never stop with those conditions. Find friends that don't want to hear about BM drama (most people like to hear your struggles so find ones that don't).
A friend of mine told me that our thoughts run through our brain down pathways and once you get into those pathways, your brain will start to go down them over and over again creating a habit. I don't know if it's true or not but I do know that when BM was causing so many problems in the beginning it was all we could ever focus on and talk about. Everyone wanted to hear about it because it's like a train wreck everyone watches. I created new boundaries. Unless it's an emergency, BM isn't talked to or about from 8-5. On Wednesday she calls SS for 15 minutes and then on the Weekends she doesn't exist. When you catch yourself wondering "oh BM this" or whatever change your thoughts. I used to make myself think of the beach because it is the place I am happiest. If focus on the sand, wonder what the weather is like or where'd I'd be eating dinner ----basically change your brain path to something else. Tell your DH if he has some drama going on with BM then set a timer and talk about it for a set amount of time before wrapping it up and moving on.
"BM has absolutely no problem
"BM has absolutely no problem acting like her ex's wife, without any permission from either SM (dad's wife) or the ex-. No one seems to have a problem with this? Seems to me if SMs are going to get their butts plummeted for "trying to act like a mom," then maybe BMs should get their butts equally kicked for trying to act like the ex's primary, if not one and only, wife!?"
^^^^OMG ALL OF THIS!!!^^^^YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!