How do you disengage without breaking up your marriage?

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I have been reading/commiserating with all your step parents/kindred spirits. It helps to know your aren't alone!

My DH and I have 5 children between us/ him 3/me 2, all teenagers/young adults, so we have had our share of issues. But NOTHING like we are having with the youngest of our clan is my SS15, who is getting to be more and more of an issue! And DH will not do anything about it because "I don't want to drive him away" I KNOW I KNOW

When we have him, it is whatever he wants to do, including at 11:30pm, going for a slurrpy at 7-11 because "I like slurrpies!" and again we don't want to do anything to upset him. But I can't even give him chores the other night I asked him to clear the table after dinner, and got TOLD I don't do chores/my MOM doesn't make me, and DH agreed, because again we can't drive him away, and how can we ask him to clean up when his other home doesn't... see the theme here! He burps and farts (often in the dogs face), he is disrespectful, and sometimes even just down right mean! Part of me thinks of as him just being a teenager and besides it is just a week, I have had to spend time at work with less than tolerable people. Then I realize that I am comparing him to my job! And really these are only the highlights from last weeks visit!

I had been just dealing with it because we are partners and I want to make my partner happy and his kid, makes him happy. But lately, I have found, like many of you, myself watching TV in the bedroom when SS is around, only to have DH throw it back at me "Do you think his step-father acts like this/ignores him?" "You are the adult, he is the kid" on top of the "we don't want to upset him"

Now I get, my DH loves his son!! Part of the reason I love DH so much, he is a really good dad! I just wish he could be a really good husband and realize that SS behavior is BEYOND a issue and he would worry at least once about not wanting to upset me.

So any advice on how to disengage without making DH unhappy?

I am in the same situation! I

I am in the same situation! I know that if I disengage completely that it will ruin my marriage but I need to for my sake.

"Good dad." I don't think

"Good dad."

I don't think this phrase means what you think it means.

I would throw it in his face and say, "When you start parenting, I will resume engaging. Until then, to save my sanity from watching you destroy a perfectly good kid into someone who others will not want to be around, I need to back away. I know you think it would drive him away and he realized this threat WORKS on you, you've made it so he can do whatever he wants. Do you think this creates a responsible and functioning adult, of which he will be soon?"

See what he says. If he tries to go around the issue, ask the same question, do you think giving a kid whatever he wants is raising a healthy adult ad nauseum until he answers you. Don't get sucked into any other argument, don't let him deflect. Have it on repeat until you go hoarse if you have to, and then write it on paper.

There's disengaging and then there's revenge through ignoring/passive aggressive excluding--don't do the second.

I think you have saved a lot

I think you have saved a lot of us. Thank you. I'm new to the site but always appreciate your insight. Wondered your story.

Disengagement to me means you

Disengagement to me means you allow your spouse to do all the parenting of that child. You only do things that benefit said child if they are being done in the general sense that they benefit the whole household... like cooking a family dinner. You don't say "ok everyone can eat except for SS15" But, if SS15 asks you for somethign.. "go ask your father"

You also don't get too emotionally wrapped up in the kid and what happens/doesn't happen. Beyond the cautionary "Gee DH, it could be dangerous for a 15 yo to wander out at midnight for a slurpee", You let things go. His monkey, his circus.

Re the chores thing, I might have shot back "well this isn't your mom's house" but if your DH won't back you up.. then guess who gets all the chores that his son should be doing??? DAD.

If your kids complain to you that "well ss15 doesn't have to do whatever or gets to do whatever" You just go back to, I'm not his parent, but I am yours. My rules are your rules. Fair? What is that word fair? Life isn't fair cupcakes, but I want you to be raised as contributing members of society, if DH doesn't want that for his kid.. not much we can do right?

As far as your DH is concerned, just tell him he can't have it both ways. The way his son acts in the home is abysmal. The crude behavior is not something you want to witness. Since he doesn't want to deal with it, that's fine, it's his kid, but you don't feel like being an audience to all of that. You are not making a big deal of this any more, but if he doesn't want to parent his kid, fine, but you should have an equal opportunity to not have to subject yourself to it all.

If he won't parent his child or back you up when you try to apply rules that apply to everyone else, then basically he has told you that you have not interest or say in how his child behaves in the home. If that's the case, you shouldn't be expected to be overly present when he is there.

Be cordial and acknowledge his presence but when he goes sour you should be able to save your sanity.

I am not a proponent of

I am not a proponent of disengagement. I believe that the only way for a blended family marriage to thrive for both partners is to be equity life partners that have the uncontested priority of each other and the marriage. This includes being equity parents to any children in the blended family household regardless of spawn biology. Kids are the top marital responsibility but do not ever displace the equity life partners and their marriage as the priority.

You and DH have to synch and figure out your establish rules of reasonable behavior for SS-15 and any other of the kids that are at home.

If not... you and DH are both failing to be adequate partners to each other and for damned sure are not delivering on the top marital responsibility of raising the kid.

Many are proponents of disengagement and it works well for some of them. The issue I have with disengagement is that it is tantamount to accepting the status quo of the problems at hand and tolerating them rather than dealing with them.

I agree with you Rags on

I agree with you Rags on this, as I think most do for sure: I believe that the only way for a blended family marriage to thrive for both partners is to be equity life partners that have the uncontested priority of each other and the marriage.

I also agree with you somewhat re: that disengagement is accepting the status quo vs. dealing/changing with it. But, for a lot of women who want to remain married, this is more or less a last resort option. And, it is a way to try to “force” your spouse to deal with/change the status quo. With you disengaging or refusing to enable his non-parenting, he has to either own up and start parenting or let his child collapse. Too many men try to pass the parenting and especially the disciplining of their own children onto their new spouse or SO.

However, I do think there are stages or levels to disengaging. I don’t look at it as an either or thing. You have to choose what works for your situation. You can go with not attending any outside events involving SKs or GKs but still hanging out with SKs once in a while with DH and still talking about them with your DH. . . all the way to having nothing to do with them, not allowing them into your home, and not even speaking with DH about them (for adults).

AND, I do think it is pretty much a last resort option, esp. for the latter example above, and when you do it, you have to realize that your marriage is at risk too. It can also be a way to flush out what is really going on in your DH’s head. If he steps up to the plate and starts parenting and disciplining, then you realize that he is maybe, just maybe starting to get it. If he does nothing but bitch and complain, then you realize that he will never change, and you can make whatever decisions you feel you need to make from there. Kiss off or put up with it for the next XX years—pretty much your only two choices at that point.

I agree that disengagement

I agree that disengagement is definitely not the first line option. Certainly, I didn't really practice it with my SD's.

By the way, there IS a difference between full on disengagement and stepping back and letting the other parent step up to the plate more.

The bottom line is that I am not sure I would have been happy being with someone that didn't care enough about their children to give them a proper foundation in life. Kids aren't born knowing how to be productive members of society. It is their parent's responsibility to teach them about morality, etiquette, empathy, structure etc...

My YSD told us when she was maybe 8 that it was Ok when someone fussed at you because it meant that they cared. Even when she was young, she realized that people where trying to help her be a better person, even if it meant a bit of fussing along the way.

But, if someone does practice disengagement with kids still being minors, I think it's still important for the adult to take the stance that they will still treat the child with respect as a person. So, I wouldn't be flat out "ignoring" someone by not saying hello etc... But, I wouldn't press it if the greeting wasn't returned.. just go on with my day.

I am always amazed when kids

I am always amazed when kids can do anything they want at one parents house because they say they can do it at the other parents house.

First of all, kids lie and manipulate, unless DH and BM talk he can say anything he wants about what happens at the other house.

Second, does he behave this way at his friends house, at school, at strangers houses?

Why is it ok for him to be an ass at your house?

As others have said your DH is not a good Dad if he's letting this kid run the house.

Here's my take - I am a woman

Here's my take - I am a woman who is totally capable of taking care of myself. I had a great life - yes even without a man - before I met my DH. I do not NEED my husband. I love my life with him, but he would never be worth sacrificing my self respect and happiness.

I really do not care if my disengaging and having nothing to do with SS31 makes my DH unhappy. I don't want him to be unhappy - but I honestly care more about my happiness than his. I am sorry that my DH has a worthless son - but it is so not my problem.

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How do you disengage without breaking up your marriage?