Need advice about setting boundaries with my stepson
There is a LONG back story but without going too much into detail, I am seeking advice on how to set some realistic boundaries with my 17 year old stepson whom I have been a stepmom to for 15 years. Here are the bullet points:
-Stepson lives in a city two hours away and has very little contact with my husband and our two children (ages 3 and 5) by his own choice.
-Stepson only makes contact when he wants money or material things that he wants my husband to pay for.
-Stepson is extremely jealous of his two siblings. He aggravates them continuously when he is around them.
-Stepson has behaved in threatening ways in the past and police were involved.
-For many reasons, I have feared for my safety and my children's safety during stepson's visits.
-My stepson lies, manipulates, blames, slanders, deceives, pits family members against each other and plays the victim in every situation.
-Stepson's family on his mother's side, especially his mother and grandmother, are extremely dysfunctional.
-I used to have what I believed was a very close relationship with my stepson until he told me I was too involved when he was about 12 years old and insisted I butt out of his life.
-My stepson is in therapy, not by choice. It is believed he has a personality or psychological disorder but that has yet to be determined. He has been in and out of therapy throughout his life.
At this point, due to my stepson's most recent behavior, it has been decided that it is not in anyone's best interest for my stepson to come for visits to our home. Instead, my husband makes a two hour drive to where my stepson lives to visit with him. This is a very recent arrangement. My stepson told my husband that he gets very angry when he visits because we are so happy and content with our lives being "mediocre" and that he is worried that our kids are going to be screwed up because we shelter them. He was very unsheltered as a child because he grew up for the most part with his mom.
It is clear that he has a lot of judgement towards us and no desire for a relationship other than to manipulate my husband enough to get what he wants financially from him.
This person is a a stranger to me now. I have no idea what happened to the boy I was so close with years ago.
At this point, I fear for the wellbeing of my family and feel the healthiest thing to do is to keep as little contact with him as possible. If he weren't a child/stepchild, I would probably write him off completely because of how toxic he is to everyone in the family. I want to set some boundaries with my stepson. I don't want to pretend like he is a member of my family when he wants nothing to do with us except to take our money. I don't even know where to draw lines with him or what type of boundaries to set up for my children with him.
Have any of you experienced this with a stepchild? He will be an adult soon but I don't expect his request for handouts to ever end I if he has a say about it.
Since he's 17 he will legally
Since he's 17 he will legally be an adult within months. Feel free to write him off. With of course an option to open the door in the future if he grows up to be a decent human being. May or may not happen. You can't really predict.
I don't think you should tell him off or issue any edict. Just bow out of any interactions with him. Your DH's current plan of going to visit him elsewhere sounds like a good one.
Many 17 year olds are angry and judgmental no matter what their upbringing. Most get over it with maturity. Some don't.
Sounds like you've been
Sounds like you've been through a lot with your SS for a prolonged period of time. That kind of stress becomes your normal. Many of us develop a sort of seige mentality, constantly on alert and waiting for the next crisis or blow up. Now the situation has changed for the better, and you need to give yourself chance to gradually relax.
Letting go is a process, especially when it involves a child you've known for almost his entire life. Be gentle and kind with yourself as you learn to accept this new, healthier life chapter. You've earned it.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Thank you, I appreciate that. In truth, my heart is broken over this entire situation and over a relationship that feels like was with someone who died long ago. I just want it to be over so I can move on and my family can move on.
I understand. I was a
I understand. I was a custodial SM who dealt with raising a damaged SD. When she packed up and took off three days before Christmas while her father and I were at work, my heart broke and I think I was crazy for about a year afterwards.
Sometimes, there simply isn't a winnable solution to these step situations. We are simply part of the collateral damage caused by other people's mistake and dysfunction.
Thank you, I apologize for
Thank you, I apologize for not being very clear about what I'm referring to by boundaries. I am fine with the arrangement that's in place where my husband just visits him. I do foresee my stepson trying to put on an act to get in our good graces again but I have honestly washed my hands of his manipulative tactics. His mask has come off too many times. I guess I'm wondering if it's fair to write him off? Or acceptable? Id like to just move on- turn his bedroom into something else, take the family photo without him, stop signing his name to cards from the family. I just want to stop pretending he's a part of our family because he's not. But I wonder if that's cruel? I'm not angry with him. I'm just decided about this. I have some guilt about keeping him from his siblings and I do believe he will try to use that in the future. But I want to protect my children from him and I know my instincts about him are right. I know he hates that we are protective of them because that means they are protected from him and he would love nothing more than to destroy their childhood the way his was destroyed by his mom.
So, it's okay to just remove him from my life? Not with anger but just with the flow of the way things are evolving. It's really okay? Maybe I'm looking for someone to give me permission to do this, so to speak.
You have every right to judge
You have every right to judge me without all of the facts. I don't want to pretend he doesn't exist, just stop pretending that he is a participating member of our family. If he no longer visits my house, does it make sense to keep a bedroom here for him? If he has no interest in being a part of the family should I bend o we backwards trying to arrange a time to drag him to the family photo shoot? All he ever does is use the excuse that he is my husband's son and so it's my husband's duty to provide for him financially but he wants nothing more, no matter how much love, time, care and support we've tried to give him.
I think people like you with the comments like yours are the reason I feel obligated to keep up the charade. But you don't live my life and you don't care about my family so of course it takes you no time at all to pass flippant judgement of me.
If your DH has agreed to
If your DH has agreed to visit SS elsewhere, SS wants nothing to do with you and is no longer allowed in your home you have nothing to worry about - except how you look to other people. And this is why several of us put up with with ultra-toxic situations for far too long. If one day, SS shows improvement in his attitude and wants a relationship with you, maybe you will reconsider allowing him in your life again. However, this is highly unlikely. I would print this post off, wait a week and then re-read it. It will give you validation that you did the right thing.
Quit pretending he's part of your family but respect the fact that he is part of your DH's. It's not cruel, he probably wants it that way too. Your children should not be exposed to his hostile behavior and negativity. You are giving them a gift by keeping them away from it. If he is not going to be in your home again make his bedroom into something special for you and your family. As far as the cards and gifts, let DH be responsible for them when they are to his family.
Shoot, I didn't keep a shrine
Shoot, I didn't keep a shrine (bedroom) to my own DD when she was out of high school, and I have a great relationship with her. It's a "go have your own life" kind of thing that is healthy. Using his former bedroom for something else is a no-brainer to me.
It sounds like you have good
It sounds like you have good boundaries in place. The money issue is something that DH is going to have to deal with and set limits on. Unfortunately there is little you can do about it and many guilty dads continue to shell out money as *love* for the rest of skids life. You can separate your finances completely, drastic yes but it may come to that to protect you and your children.
I would ask DH to keep any conversations with ss17 that involve you and your children to be kept superficial. He should not entertain ss's rants about how you parent or his jealousy. It should be nipped and redirected.
The drama does not end at 18, sometimes it gets worse because sheltered skids fail to launch and can't make it in the real world. I'd set boundaries now about what you will accept if he becomes homeless or shows up at your doorstep. DH and I have had this talk about ss32. We took him in a few times but I will never go there again. We'll get him a hotel room but he will not be sleeping here.
If he is a threat to the
If he is a threat to the wellbeing of your young children then get an RO/PO and keep him far, far away from you and your family. This is a natural consequence of his actions, decisions, and behaviors.
No exceptions. Purge him from your world as much as possible.