Question about soon-to-be high school graduating SKids
I have a Skid who is graduating at the end of this month. She has decided to be with us full-time since an incident with BM. While I understand why she needs to have the space, and agree, I want to have a "family round table discussion", with her, my SO and myself next weekend. Over the course of her beginning the full-time status with us, she has been disrespectful and snotty, has neglected requests for cleaning/chores (just completely blown things off), and is very dirty and sloppy. She has never made any contribution, and yet has no job, no activities, no friends that she spends all her free time with. She has recently signed up for summer college courses and fall courses at a community college, and will be expecting to live with us (I did not have this told to me by her, but by SO, in conversation, when I asked)
Realistically I want to know if I should be involved in discussions as to:
~ Her household contribution in the form of labor (cleaning, grandma sitting) or $$$
~ Launch plan to go away to college or get a house share situation.
Basically what kinds of things do you talk about with these children-who-are-not children, these children-who-are-not MY-children?
Note: I have not been included in any discussions or discourse previously, as to:
~ Custody schedule and changes
~ Child cleaning household expectations
~ Child behavior expectations
Should I be included in these things discussion-wise OR, should I just accept the status quo, and back off?
He pays rent and I pay him,
He pays rent and I pay him, and I pay for household general supplies and household consumed food products. I do the cleaning and organizing. I do BOTH outside and inside.
But I was thinking his kid/his problem. However, when I have had house share situations, when things happen that are major, then we all used to get together and talk about it. So I am used to having discussions and input. But this is much different. I came into the household and the family unit.
I ask her (repeatedly) to put her things away in the bathroom shower caddy, etc. Common areas I always ask that everyone put their stuff away. I leave myself out of her bedroom mess - not my business obviously. But she always helps herself to my food. SO buys food for her to help herself to, but she generally doesn't do her own dishes unless asked.
So launching is really none of my business?
Will she be a full-time
Will she be a full-time student? Doesn't sound like it. PLENTY of time to get a job, BUT if it is his house and you moved in with daddykins and his princess, then if you mention launching and he gets defensive, it's time to think about exiting.
She is taking 2 summer
She is taking 2 summer courses and 3 fall courses, so it doesn't sound like full time to me.
He is more resigned than defensive. He knows that she is a POS, and while he doesn't like it, he feels like he has to be supporting her because she is his FAB (Flesh and Blood).
I spoke to him last night about my goal to get my own place in a different city near where he works (we currently live in a city that I consider undesireable, but it has lots of room) I told him, on his off days, he can stay with me. He did not like that solution.
I really do not want to live with her at all. Yes, it is his home, but if I am his life partner, shouldn't I be included in house sharing decisions that affect me?
Once she graduates... if she
Once she graduates... if she is 18.... she is an adult and you nor her dad have any obligation to support her. For sure once she is both 18 and out of HS her presence in YOUR home is at YOUR pleasure.
Have the round table .... not as a discussion but as a forum for presenting the terms and conditions of her continued residence and presence in YOUR home.
We had the same talk with our son (my Skid) the day after his 18th B-day. He graduated 3mos before he turned 18 so we gave him the summer to do what he wished. We guided and advised on college, etc... but he did nothing to apply to colleges or get a job. So... we handed him his chore list and had a brief talk about the terms of his continued presence in the family home. Work time was 07:30 - 18:00 and if his mom and I were working ... so was he. Since he did not have a job we worked his butt off as our houseboy/chore bitch. That kid scrubbed, vacuumed, mopped, dusted, wiped, polished, washed, dried, folded, put away, weeded, trimmed, cut, mulched, scrapped, painted, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, prepped, cooked, plated, served, cleaned up, etc.... and then he did it all again the next day.
He tested us a couple of times and learned that if his chores were not done by our bedtime he was left on the front stoop the next morning with no key, no food, no water, no etc... until we got home from work. Then he had until our bedtime to get the previous and current day's work done or he would spend the next day on the stoop.
It took him about 4mos to realize that we were serious so he enlisted in the USAF on delayed entry. He continued to be our houseboy for 4 more months until he reported for Basic.
Make SD your live in servant until she gains clarity and launches. Her compensation is room and board.
One of my issues with SO is
One of my issues with SO is that he has the attitude that his daughters cannot accomplish the chores in the same amount of time to his standards, so he just does it himself. When Winona does anything like cleaning, she lies about it, does it halfway, or blows it off completely (usually something I ask for). The last weekend we asked her to sweep the kitchen floor. She swept the dirt off the kitchen floor and onto the living room rug. Which wasn't then vacuumed. We asked her to please clean the bathroom. She had just had a temper tantrum, and said to SO "I have all night to do it." We went out and came home at 12 midnight, after dancing and having fun, and it was not accomplished. SO then woke her up, and she sprayed some Clorox here and there.
SO feels like she is useless, therefore why ask her to do anything?
The crux of it, is that she helps with grandma, who is 95, and to him that is priceless, and worthwhile. To me, I want help in the household, I want her to do SOMETHING, and not just sit around, demanding we go out and buy her sushi.
I told SO he really needed to
I told SO he really needed to be tougher on her - he had let her loose to her own devices so long she had absolutely no structure and could not create the structure on her own, by herself. She has no self-discipline and no integrity. Its all about what she feels she wants at any given time.
So - now she is signed up for her college classes, she is failing her last quarter of high-school, with no job in the pipeline and SO is expected to pay for things and expected to continue supporting her, as well as paying for half the college costs.
So frustrating. I will read and re-read your advice.
Kids will perform to the
Kids will perform to the standards that parents will tolerate. Tolerate nothing less than acceptable levels of performance and kids will do their chores to an acceptable standard.
The key, IMHO, is that the kid does the chore until it is done right. If that takes 15mins, good for the kid. It that takes 15hrs of rework and do-overs then so be it. The kid does it until it is done and done right.