Stepson Birthday Party
I am a single mother, and have a 9 year old son. I am engaged to marry a single father, who has an 11 yr old son. The kids get along quite well when we all get together, but for whatever reason, his son still maintains the attitude that he doesn't want to get together with us, would rather not have myself or my son around. We've been together for a year and a half, and got engaged 3 months ago. His son is having his 12th birthday party next weekend, and he doesn't want my son to go. My fiancé said he thinks it should be up to his son to choose who he wants to go to his birthday. He said he would compromise and invite my son to the party during the day, but then was planning on inviting all the other boys to stay over for a sleep over, and my son wasn't invited to that, and he was going to support his son to do this. I continually feel like myself and also my son are excluded from things- (last month they took a trip to Portland for a week, and stayed with another family, and my fiancé did not want us to go. Various other situations this comes up, and I am feeling very hurt that his son obviously doesn't want us around, and that my fiancé condones his behavior. I especially think that at a birthday party, he should include my son for the full thing, or at the very least, just have one friend sleep over instead of everyone but him. My fiancé said that's not going to happen, that if he tells him that, his son will just have the party on the weekend when he is with his mom, and my fiancé will do the party with her, and we basically wont be invited at all (which is what he did last year).
Thoughts?
If it's a friends only
If it's a friends only birthday party, I don't see an issue with your son not being invited. Regular siblings don't even usually want their siblings around for their birthday party with their friends. No kid wants their younger sibling around their friends to be annoying or take away their "glory", especially if that younger sibling is just a soon to be step sibling that he's only known for a couple years.
However, if it's a big party with family and family friends as well as SS's friends, then it would be particularly exclusionary to not include your son. Just really depends on the event I suppose.
I would rethink marrying this
I would rethink marrying this guy. It sounds like he is not ready for marriage and is more interested in always pleasing his son. Your boyfriend is acting like your relationship is not important. I hope your son is not hurt by all of this. If he is you really need to step away from your boyfriend. Put yourself and your child first.
How can you, your son, and
How can you, your son, and your fiancé's son all get along well when fiancé's son doesn't want to be around you? Don't mistake a kid being polite for actually liking you or actually getting along.
Here's the harsh truth: you can't dictate who the son invites to his party or who stays for sleepover, especially if your fiancé supports him.
The even harsher truth is your fiancé apparently doesn't have any problems excluding you and your son. That's not going to suddenly change once you get married. It's still going to be a "You" and "Them" situation. They will still take their own trips, do their own things, and you and your son will be expected to deal with not being included. Is that what you really want?
No, that is not what I want.
No, that is not what I want. I'm not sure if things can get better I guess, or if this is just something I can't change and need to accept and make a decision to be with him or not. We did some counseling together, he is offering to go again to talk with someone- but again just not sure if it will help.
It's not your sons birthday
It's not your sons birthday it's his sons birthday. Your son can invite who he wants for his birthday and his son the same. I side with him.
He's not being excluded
He's not being excluded because he's your son, he's being excluded because it's a 11 year old boy who wants to party with his 11 year old friends. Your son is not one of his 12 year old friends.
When I turned 11, if my mother insisted I "invite" my brother, who was 4 at the time, I wouldn't have been happy either. This is not a family event. It's an individual event. The 11 year old probably doesn't want the 9 year old tagging along, and I don't blame him.
I'm not really sure why you're upset that your SS isn't including SS on the same level as his own friends... he's not a friend, he's a stb step-brother.
I could understand the upset if if was a family event, just celebrated say, with immediate family, and SS didn't want your son there... THAT would be exclusion... but this? totally normal.
I don't understand why you
I don't understand why you feel the need to force your son on the 11 yr old and his party. Why can't the 11 yr old have who he wants?? It is his birthday. There is a bit of a maturity difference between 9 and 11 yr olds. That is when all kids start to go out of the little kid stage and try to be a bit more grown.
I personally have the opposite problem. I didn't want my SS19's at my BS's recent homecoming party but my DH invited them without my knowledge or permission. I was not pleased. My OSS and MSS don't get along with BS (mostly OSS) so why invite them?
And I too have taken trips with my BS and not taken the SS's. You pushing them together is only going to make matters worse.
Let them figure out their own relationship.
Is your partner ok with you
Is your partner ok with you and your biological child going on trips without them? Also, do you go on trips with both you and your partner and all of the children as well?
Thanks
BS is being allowed to attend
BS is being allowed to attend the party just not the sleepover part so I think that its a fair compromise on the side of SO.
BS and SS are always going to be doing different things, attending different parties, social events where the other might not be able to attend or go due to visitation, circumstances...whatnot.
Don't let this be the hill you need to die on so soon in the relationship.
Wow, so many different
Wow, so many different opinions. Thank you for all of your feedback. This is my first time posting here, for the most part I've just been trying to figure things out on my own, but I'm questioning my expectations for what a blended family might be like in comparison to what I imagine I would have for a family life, and how things are with my own parents and siblings. I am not sure how to know what's reasonable/realistic to expect, given the different dynamics.
I think the bigger issue is that it has been an ongoing difficult situation for a long time, with my fiancé's son having the general attitude of not wanting me or my son around. My fiancé and I are to the point where we try to integrate more and spend some time together regularly on the weekends with our kids, so they can get more comfortable with the idea of us eventually living together. Essentially my fiancé's son is unhappy whenever his dad tells him we are getting together, and my fiancé talks to him and tells him what he expects of him as far as his behavior. Whenever we are together doing an activity and the plan changes even slightly, for ex. to say stay for dinner after the beach, or extend the time to watch a movie together during our get together, his son has a negative reaction, which is obvious to me, where he is complaining to his dad that he doesn't want us there. I find this hurtful, and it just makes me (and my son) feel unwelcome, rather than being able to enjoy leisure times together.
I feel like I've been pretty patient and understanding with my fiancé and his son, and my son is very adaptable, and never has a problem with us getting together. I don't intrude on their time together on weekdays when he has his son, and don't mind them taking the occasional weekend trip with just the two of them, or having their own special time. My fiancé said he wanted to move in together then changed his mind a month ago, because he was too anxious that it wouldn't go well, and I have been understanding, and willing to take it slower. It ended up being that I lost my apartment that I had been in for 3 years, because he said he wanted to move in together, and then backed out. He did help me get into a new nicer place, so there's that, but it was still rejecting. He got anxious about wedding planning after we recently got engaged, so we've backed off from planning anything for now. I am ok with taking things slower because at this point I don't want to get married into a blended family where I will feel unwanted all the time, and with my fiancé making some efforts to communicate expectations, talk with his son and be reassuring, but not to the extent I would need to feel like a priority in his life. However, I feel like the negative attitude and wanting to leave us out of things to please his son keeps coming up.
Maybe I'm being idealistic about the birthday party, or taking vacations together- I tend to think about treating family members with respect and being inclusive. Whenever my son has a birthday party, he always invites not only his friends, but all of his many cousins (girls and boys from age 2-15), and they have always invited him to their birthday parties as well- so that is the dynamic I am used to...
I think part of your
I think part of your frustrations is that you're being disappointed when things don't go the way that you expect...common trap, I guess..
From your SS's point of view, he's basically being forced to spend time with another kid. To him, that might be just the same as his school teacher forcing him to play with some kid he doesn't like.
On top of that, his time with dad is now being shared with you and your kid...he's likely having difficulty coping.
Sounds like his son might benefit from seeing that even if you're all together, he's free to spend time with just dad... you don't currently live together, so from his point of view, he loses time with his dad when you and your son are around.
I've not been in that situation, so I'm not sure what if any, advice I can give... other than that possible perspective from his end...
I have been in this situation
I have been in this situation and if you are going to have a successful relationship your boyfriend needs to show you the same respect he is showing his son.
I think being at the party
I think being at the party but not the sleep over is a fair compromise. The sleepover is probably a more.. intimate? bonding event for your SS and his buddies.
Don't push too hard, I think, especially if the boys have different interests. Just because you are in a relationship with your fiancé doesn't mean your kids are automatically brothers.
*hugs* relax. Don't tie yourself up around this.
OP, you're a bit all over the
OP, you're a bit all over the place. Your post really did make it sound like your fiancé is just fine with the exclusion of you and your son, and y'all need to get over it. Then in your reply posts your fiancé has morphed into somewhat of a milquetoast who is controlled by his son.
Quit trying to shove these two boys at each other. If your fiancé's son didn't want you around before, imagine how resentful he'll be when he finds out you tried to dictate who came to his birthday party and how many kids could be at his sleepover. You're not living in the same house, yet you tried to tell your fiancé his son should have only one friend and your kid stay the night. That's really presumptuous of you. Way overstepping.
I wasn't saying he should
I wasn't saying he should have one friend and my son stay the night. I was suggesting that if he wanted to have a sleepover after the party, to consider just having a friend (or two) stay over, instead of inviting all of the boys come back to his house and sleep over, except my son who would be the only one going home.
I misread - my apologies.
I misread - my apologies. Even so, you were trying to control something that wasn't going on in your house, and really didn't have anything to do with you: how many of the son's friends should be allowed at the sleepover.
I completely understand you not wanting to see your son get his feelings hurt, I really do. The birthday party and sleepover really weren't things you should have tried to influence, IMO. Worry about your own child's birthday when it rolls around.
As long as he's paying for
As long as he's paying for the full thing independently then fine but you habe bigger issues.
It bothers you because you feel this isn't the way your family should be. He thinks it's fine. You guys need to talk about expectations and what is acceptable.
My SS is one year younger
My SS is one year younger than my eldest daughter. My daughter doesn't want him at her parties, even though she isn't at the gender separation age. He doesn't want her at his parties either. Neither wants their younger sister at their parties, my youngest daughter with my husband.
I honestly don't see the issue with this. Birthday parties are not for siblings or step siblings, they are for the birthday child. When it is your sons birthday, he has exactly the same right as his step sibling to not invite him to the party/ sleep over/ whatever it is he decides.