BF's daughter on vacation - back and now he dissapears w/out inviting me to see her
My bf wants to spend all his time with me. his daughter (21) has been visiting her mother for 11 days and is coming into town tonight. I say so you aren't coming over tonight? he says no, I want to see her. I'm like it's odd you wouldn't invite us over to your house since you want to spend all your time with my son (11). his excuse: you never want to. excuse me? I am always the one bringing it up. I have backed out a time or two because we were arguing but that was months ago. Shouldn't stop him from inviting us again should it? we did spend the afternoon with his parents sunday but that was my idea because he's always saying we never visit them and his daughters were not there.
I'm sure he wouldn't care if we came over - in fact he said that's a good idea when I brought it up but I'm wondering why he wouldn't think of it himself since he takes the lead on everything else on his own. I think it's to make his daughter comfortable and give her his attention solely. she 21 for heaven's sake!!! he told me about a comment she made before she left for vacation to the effect of "I'm going to mom's for 11 days in case you want to know since I never see you." geez! isn't it time to grow up? I don't remember wanting to spend all my time with my dad when I was 21. when I say that he says "I'm sorry you didn't have a close relationship with your parents." whatever. no I was an adult w my own life. I didn't live at home either.
I guess I don't really care if I spend time with grown women who could care less about getting to know me but I also don't think it's fair to put our relationship in my son's face and not his kids. my son is taking a turn and had a good time with him this past weekend which was surprising but he needs to follow his own advice and involve his kids also. he says his daughters don't know me but never makes an effort to make arrangements for that to happen. bothers me to no end.
If he's been over every
If he's been over every evening for the at least eleven days, I'd be thrilled to think he wasn't coming or inviting you over for this one. Spend the evening with your son. I'm sure your son would love some quality mother/son time.
I guess I don't really see any harm in him having his daughter, 21 or not, over for a visit. I don't find it terribly unusual to think a father might see his adult children for an hour or two every couple weeks or so. With a young son of your own, I'd think you'd welcome the chance to have one on one with your child. Yes, there is a big difference between a 11yr old boy and a 21yr old woman, but I still don't find it dysfunctional for an unmarried unloving together couple in a relationship to not spend every last spare minute together.
Even if everybody got along and really liked each other, I'd want to visit my child (adult or not) occasionally as two adults chatting over coffee without my BF,SO or DH having to sit right there too. I'm probably not the best one here to respond to your post, because I am not a believer that a couple (even when married) are glued at the hip and must always be together.
If it bothers you that perhaps he has different rules for you than he holds himself to, talk to him and tell him how you feel.
I totally agree and I am not
I totally agree and I am not the kind of person who needs to spend every moment with him however he kind of forces it on me and makes me feel bad if we don't see each other every day except when it's his idea. His daughter lives with him also
Sounds like daughter may have
Sounds like daughter may have suggested just a night for her and Daddy. He probably doesn't want to tell you that and hurt your feelings or have you think ill of her.
Your son will enjoy having you all to himself.
I wouldn't read to much into it.
I do things with my children all of the time without my husband both before and after we were married. Not so much for me but I know that the kids need that one on one time and sometimes as young adults they still do.
People do things with their
People do things with their children without their partner all the time. Regardless if kids are grown or young. I enjoy time with my adult DD and my DH doesn't need to be always present, he wouldn't want it either. Why don't you want to hang out with your son alone? Even married couples spend time alone with their kids, yet you are upset. My reaction would be "awesome, i am glad you get to see your DD, I get to do XYZ with my son!". It's important to have time alone with one's children.
I love it I just don't love
I love it I just don't love but it has to be his decision only. If I suggest that he acts like a little baby and throws a fit saying it's good for him to be around my son and acting like we don't deserve time alone. Plus he never invites me to his house ever. my son always has to accommodate him into his life but his daughter doesn't have to do the same I just think I should be invited to his house also
Well he doesn't want to
Well he doesn't want to invite you over. You can't force him. He spends every day with you when his DD is gone. When she is back he doesn't want to. Not good.
Honestly I don't understand why is it ok with you that he is in your house ever day. When I dated, I was way too busy to have boyfriends visiting every day. If I am not actually living with a guy, I don't want him over every day. It's not healthy. It's like I have no life. Who has the time?
Pretty much he does what he wants. He runs the show. When he is bored and lonely he is at your house and when something else comes up he is gone and not even discussing it. I dated someone like that. Not good. Is he mentioning commitment/cohabitation/marriage?
Yes he mentions it all the
Yes he mentions it all the time but I'm not ready because conflict resolution seems nearly impossible with this guy
If you can't resolve
If you can't resolve conflicts after a year and seem to have an issue after issue, what makes you think it's going to get any better? Why are you with a man who constantly makes you miserable?
He shows up at your house unannounced every day not because he can't live without you, but because he calls all the shots and runs the show and don't have much respect for you. I've never heard of a respectful man just showing up to the house of his girlfriend and her minor child. It's rude and controlling. Not indication of love at all. You need to up your standards in men.
Overall when you have minor children at home you don't need boyfriends to come over every day. Or stay nights. Invite them for dinner on the weekend, sure but don't have them there daily. You keep saying you don't choose men over your son but he probably interprets that you do because you have a man in your house daily, like you can't have a day without a man?
If he just shows up, then set boundaries. Tell him to please don't show up unannounced and you need to limit dates to maybe twice a week. If he values you, he'd comply. If not, here is your answer.
You're probably right - he
You're probably right - he says he's dating for marriage and won't just see me when my son is gone or a few days a week. That it will never progress like that.
He isn't acting like a man
He isn't acting like a man who is dating for marriage. Things wouldn't be the way they are if that what was the case. Your comfort and happiness would be his priority if he intends to marry. First year of a relationship should be pure bliss. He is dating for convenience not marriage.
I sure hope he contributes to your household bills, utilities, meals, cleaning of your house etc since he is "playing house" daily. Awfully convenient arrangement for him
Also quantity of seeing each other does not grown into quality. If relationship is good and healthy it could grow and progress with few dates a week, but if it's not very healthy then you can see each other 24/7 and it's still going to be a mess.
Since it seems to be one
Since it seems to be one major drama after another with this guy, why are you still with him? You've been with him for a year and it's this much turmoil. You're the one putting your relationship in your son's face, no one else. You want your boyfriend to do the same thing with his daughters - I guess as a means of showing them he's as serious about you as you are about him. If he's not out loud and out proud about your relationship, it's because he doesn't want to be. He's showing you what he thinks of you and relationship. You may want to believe him.
good question. because we do
good question. because we do care for each other and get along most of the time. but it's true, when he is upset, he ignores me, and he does have to run the show. it's very frustrating. he knows I won't show up at his doorstep like he does mine. he wants to get married like now but I just don't see him trying his hardest to make me happy - like if I get upset about something, he rarely makes things better. it is ALWAYS my fault. I am 48 today and have never been married. i know that i do have things to work on in relationships but honestly I know I pick the wrong guys always and put up with more than I should. I won't settle - I think I need someone who is more compromising and understands me better.
he does nice things for me, he buys me nice things once in awhile, he always makes me feel beautiful, wants to spend most of his time with me and tells me he loves me. he has a lot of good qualities too but also bad. nobody is perfect, even me, I realize so maybe that's why I hang on. everyone will have their faults but I guess it's all what you can deal with.
Longer you stay with wrong
Longer you stay with wrong guys less likely you meet right ones.
we do care for each other and
we do care for each other and get along most of the time
This is how I feel about my co-workers (who I've worked with for a LONG time), not the man I'm in love with and want to spend the rest of my days with.
You've been with this guy for a year, I think? It just seems like an old, tired relationship already. Sad.
You say you won't settle. Then, don't. Cut this guy loose, so you can meet someone more suited for you and who will give you what you want in a relationship. Staying with this guy will keep you from meeting that person.
Of course, nobody is perfect but re-read this:
just don't see him trying his hardest to make me happy - like if I get upset about something, he rarely makes things better. it is ALWAYS my fault.
You should be with someone who wants you to be happy, who wants to make you happy.
As far as putting up with more than you should, stop doing that. Set standards for yourself and the men you date. And remember, you have a young, impressionable son in the mix.
Your son is likely to treat
Your son is likely to treat women how these men treat you because he is growing up thinking it's the norm. Kids learn by example.
you're right. I need to cut
you're right. I need to cut it off for good. I don't see anything changing. it is my bday today and all he's done is argue with me about the situation last night. ugh of course saying it's my fault for everything and now he doesn't even know if he's taking me out tonight because of me always breaking plans and acting the way I do. SHEESH! maybe I should give myself a bday gift of freedom.
I think you can do better.
I think you can do better. Don't worry about being 48. I've met my wonderful second DH at 49. Never too late. If I didn't leave me exSO at 48, I'd never met my DH. You know what I mean? You can't meet Mr. Right when you stuck with Mr. Wrong. And happy birthday!!!!
48 is nothing. My Dad married
48 is nothing. My Dad married my new stepmom last year, at age 86 (she's 84). It's never too late to find love!!
that's awesome! you're so
that's awesome! you're so right. where did you meet your new husband? thank you guys. and hereiam - yes, when you put it that way. it's true. I should be looking at pretty flowers on my desk and smiling today - not wondering why this man is ignoring me on my bday. it's complete BS! so petty and immature. he is 52, almost 53.
I don't have time for this stress. he said last night well at least you got a nice ring (last year - Pandora not even real), watch and new sunglasses and me helping you fix your house out of it. really???? he is also an indian giver. he takes things when he's upset he's given me. can you imagine if he did get me an engagement ring? been down that path before. never again! he also took something he got my son recently when he was mad at me. so old.
Online dating site. Ok now
Online dating site.
Ok now taking gifts back is low. Not all men are good with gifts (mine doesn't have a good taste in things lol) but dang it don't take it back ugh
When I left my exSO and his crazy grown kids lol people on here were very helpful. I probably wouldn't leave if not steptalk.
He takes things back?? What
He takes things back?? What an immature wanker.
he sure does. just told me to
he sure does. just told me to leave everything of his outside my house cause I won't let him take me out on my bday and I didn't return his phone call at lunch quick enough cause I was at lunch with coworkers. wow. he ignored my calls all night last night and just goes to bed. no empathy.
such a game player with huge double standards. if he isn't winning, he calls me at work constantly or rings my doorbell. it's not good.
Oh, hon. You deserve better
Oh, hon. You deserve better than this!! Your child deserves better than this. Please value yourself more. {{{HUGS}}}
Box up his crap for him. Leave it on HIS doorstep with a note telling him it's over.
This man sounds like my exDH
This man sounds like my exDH and you are not married yet. You do not want to go down this path, because you will divorce again and plus expose your son to this man's crappy behavior. Is this how you want your son to turn out? My exDH took presents back that he gave our children because they were not using them enough or correctly.
You will always:
-be wrong
- be punished so SO gets his way.
- be manipulated so he achieves his own comfort
- take a back burner to SD and himself
exactly - he is never wrong
exactly - he is never wrong and hardly ever apologizes. it's exhausting. plus he's jealous of my son's dad who I can't stand. just because the guy will always have a crush on me isn't my fault. it's just all so immature.
ignoring me is his punishment which he knows I can't stand. it won't change - you are right.