left out and last to know
i have been disengaged for some time but always expected that i would be given the same polite courtesy that i give to my skids. i converse with them during meals and other forms of politeness.
one of the daughters of dh just had her first child and dh first grand child. she showed her father the new baby on skyp. i was in the basement doing laundry.
did dh think to call me over and be a part of this news? did sd think fit to call for me? clearly not. the conversation must have been for 20 minutes and when i arrived in the house after chores dh had this stupid grin on his face and related the news after the session ended. i flatly asked him if he thought to ask me to come and see the baby. he looked a bit confused as if the thought had never occured to him. he was too consumed in the moment to think i should have been included.
sd was always a diva now sees herself as a mega diva now that she is a mother, and is tormenting her in laws and door mat husband. her poor husband looks confused most of the time.
i am laughing to my self as dh, sil and sds in laws have no idea now to deal with her thinking she is the centre of the universe.
let her huge back side get bigger she gained a ton of weight with the pregnacy. she always made fun of other people who were over weight and now she is one of them.
pay back sucks.
Personally, I would rather
Personally, I would rather get a root canal without novacaine than look at any of Chef's PASed out progeny's future crotch droppings, but hey, that's just me.
Getting the laundry done was way more productive.
I'm sorry. No excuses. You
I'm sorry. No excuses. You should have been called over to see the new baby. My Skids love to exclude me. They are still teens so I am sure this will get worse. Yes payback does suck. And karma is a b#$%^ too. She will get her upcomings. You wait and see. It started with the weight gain.
i am eagerly waiting to see
i am eagerly waiting to see the pay back. little diva is now targeting her husband who is a nice young man but very ignorant. she rages at him for the smallest things especially when he wont jump to her commands. once he became the sperm donor he is no longer needed, and now he is just the open wallet. i feel so sorry for him.
sd is getting angrier and nastier by the day as her back side gets bigger and bigger.
He may be nice now, but she
He may be nice now, but she can make him mean. He may start to cheat or better yet leave her. Sounds to me like she married him for what he represents, sperm donor, ATM or cash cow. That won't last for long.
this will be interesting to
this will be interesting to see. dh puts son in law up on a pedestal with sd and adores the young man. if sd starts to be spiteful toward her own husband her father will knock son in law off the pedestal in a second for daring to displease his precius daughter.
haha Regina George
haha Regina George
I think if one chooses any
I think if one chooses any degree of disengagement, it sends a message to skids that you don't care if you are in their circle. It also sends the same message to DH. Just being devil's advocate, but is it possible DH honestly thought you didn't care to be forced to gush over the new arrival? He may be confused about what degree of engagement you want. He's not going to give up his relationship with SD, but once you make your stance clear, expect them to establish their own way of communicating with you not included.
Personally, I am happy to be excluded from such thngs. If I happen to be around when the skype happens, I just say hi then walk away and do my own thing. I know a new baby is a big event, but you do say "I have been disengaged for some time" so you have to accept being on the fringes of whatever happens in their loop.
SMforever, i am disengaged
SMforever, i am disengaged but dont expect total exclusion from things like this. i am sure dh and i will be expected to baby sit the little brat from time to time for free. news of this sort should be extended to every one in the house hold.
dh honestly was so wrapped up in the ecstasy of the news and seeing sd on skyp that he never thought to ask me to come over. thought less clod.
disengagement means distancing but not being rude. when the skids visit for instance i engage in polite conversation ask about their jobs and such. i dont walk right past them and ignore them (even if i wanted to)
I wonder if she asked your dh
I wonder if she asked your dh if you were in the house and he replied that you were doing laundry. If she did ask and knew you were in the house, I wonder what she thought and felt when you did not show up next to your dh to gush over the baby. She may have felt that you did not give a rat's ass about the baby due to your disengagement.
My DH does not have FaceTime
My DH does not have FaceTime as his only phone is company issued however, I do. We would on occasion but rarely FaceTime with his OD and the grand skids. Since the big falling out I heard him tell SD that he would try and Face Time with her. Yeah, right. Not with my phone!
Plus when they would FT I was excluded anyway.
When I Face Time with my grandchildren DH is here and he converses with them. So at this point in their lives they all know him and recognize him as their grandfather. It is not that way with his kids or his grand-skids. I am a stranger because that is how their parents want it. However, when it comes to gift giving (me to them, never the other way) I was acceptable on that day.
Isn't it something when they
Isn't it something when they want absolutely nothing to do with you and the minute there is gift giving they are there with there hands out. My ss was the same way, and it does not same much about their character when they can switch so easily for some little gift. You can just see the greed in their eyes and see the disappointment when it is a token gift instead of a gift that costs hundreds of dollars. Instead of appreciating the gesture, they revert back to the person who cares little about you.
My ex stopped giving his ds bday and xmas gifts when ss was in his early 40's. Before that ss would tell his dd what he wanted as a gift and they were the most outlandish and expensive things like a new set of golf clubs, cut and measured to fit his height and hands, or new furniture, a vacation and so forth. When it would be time for ss to give dh a gift, he would go to CVS and get him a $2 cigar and a card, but would never put his df name or even "dad" on and the card,and ss would never sign it. It would be left blank. What was worse is that ss had his daddy's credit card and he would charge the things he gave them.
Stay as far away from sd, she sounds toxic.
Why get upset or feel hurt
Why get upset or feel hurt when your spouse and SKs accept that you have disengaged? :?
I agree! It is such a crazy
I agree! It is such a crazy game, almost like chess. I am learning though in my old age.
I am holding my breath until big skiing trip is announced in a few months. SD sent me a let's have a fresh start letter and I sent back that although I am open to it, I am so supportive of their vacations together. ALONE.
I would welcome dh plannng these trips w/o me. I think the only reason he insists I go is his guilt that he doesn't not follow his mantra when I first met him that we come first. He tossed that out the window.
Will I have a problem if he does not invite me? Yes and no. He NEVER plans the vacations for us, and yet with them, he does it.
So I think be relieved you don't get badgered
disengagement does not mean
disengagement does not mean being excluded from big news like a new baby, graduation or a wedding.
for instance when sd was married i did not expect to be excluded and was given a seat next to dh in the church in the front pew next to bm and her husband.
its etiquette.
"He was too consumed in the
"He was too consumed in the moment to think I should have been included."
Yup - that about sums up my existence as a SM. DH only seems concerned that I be included in any of the happy moments spent with his children or even his family, if he's concerned that his children or his family will feel slighted if I'm not there, at which point my participation is required.
Yes, the more people dh can
Yes, the more people dh can gather around his golden ticks to fawn over them and glorify them the happier he is. While you sit there being purposely ignored, and he knows it, and yet his chest is swelled and he is prouder than a peacock that someone, anyone, is paying attention to his kids. Yep, been there and done that
OP: Just remember when it
OP: Just remember when it comes to babysitting, you were excluded, now your DH can babysit every time and you can find something else to enjoy. Lol.... You don't have to say a word, just make it happen with a smile.
If I so desire, I save my shopping or errands, if I know SD56 is dropping by. I don't have to tolerate DH slobbering all over his DD. You can do this, when it comes time to babysit. Have plans and let DH have at it.
yes, sammi, this is a good
yes, sammi, this is a good idea.
thankfully sd and her poor husband live very far away from us.
i love the idea of going off by myself when skids are here.
Good. My SD56 also lives 4
Good. My SD56 also lives 4 hours away, in a neighboring State. It is very nice, after 15 years of living just one block from my SD. I love my new peace; it's almost been a year and it seems like heaven.
They seem to wiggle in the Gkids no matter; so just be prepared for long sitting jobs, if they are far away.
i dont intend to be a sitter
i dont intend to be a sitter and will find other errands to run out of the house.
here is an update. two weeks after dh and sd and sil spoke on skyp, dh asked me if i had spoken to sd about the gchild. (sd and i never speak and very rare message one another.) i told him i had not spoken to her.
he asked why and i told him how terribly bad form it would be for me to do so. dh apologized for leaving me out and took the blame for it as he should have.
too bad his realization happened two weeks after the fact. my calling sd out of the blue and wishing her well on the new baby when i never, ever call her would have been strange and make me look stupid.
this is indeed all the fault of dh and his being thoughtless and not including me from the start. i can just see them laughing and so joyful at the new baby totally clueless about me being left out. sd did not think to ask me over as well. its not like laundry cant be interrupted.
l
l
Yay! Your dh realized the how
Yay! Your dh realized the how he handled the situation resulted in your exclusion and that he is also to blame for how you are treated. That is 3 steps forward on his part.
after more than twenty years
after more than twenty years of marriage its about time! dh made a total mess of our marriage through the skids teen years and early adult years.
they were all mini wifes.
at last a little awareness. its a miracle. i did not even have to point it out to him. i made a comment and disengaged.
I have the same issue I’m
I have the same issue
I’m included when I’m buying gifts but all other times the don’t talk or send me pics
Dh gets daily updates which I’m not part of no more
Ironically they have also had girls!
Dh tried hard to be the grandad but when it comes to it can’t really do much other than dish cash out
So grandkids are 3,2 and 2 months
I’m just about ready to disengage thanks to the support I’ve found here
This is how I’m thinking
When they don’t involve you then they won’t want their spawns coming for babysitting will they?
If they can’t show the respect why the hell should you use your valuable time caring for their off spring
It’s very hard not to love babies after all it’s not their fault BUT
With a mother like that they will grow up with same mentality and disrespect - their loss
My sd or mini wives as they should be more aptly named can pop as many sprogs out they like I will not get emotionally attatchef for them to use as weapons against me once I’ve started to love them
By doing what they have done gives you the opt out card
Use it to your advantage
Let dh babysit while you have fun doing what you want to do
I guarantee babysitting will fade out very quickly when your not there to do all the hard work
Best of luck sweetie
Hope the realise what a big mistake they made
1234, thank you for the
1234, thank you for the support. st is such a wealth of support and it really helps me see another point of view.
i am sure the novelty of being a new mom will wear off very quickly and her husband will see a different side of her. i dont thing she will want to return to work as mom hood is what she has been wanting since puberty.
Mine are same have baby to
Mine are same have baby to save going to work
She expects daddy to bank roll her entire life
It sucks big time
Don’t think my dh will ever change that’s why I’m going to disengage
Don’t know if it’ll do me much good but I’m hoping it will
If it doesn’t then I’ll be looking at divorce in the near future