Why don't you ask him why he doesn't get over the fact you don't want a relationship with his spiteful child. That would be where I'd start but men tend to let time heal things whereas us women have the memory of a herd of elephants.

You are right, life is too short to spend time with anyone who treats you poorly. And by only making an effort with DH, she's still treating you poorly.

If she came to you and apologized and made a true effort, would you feel differently? Just curious- you are not required to "get over" anything.

many a dh has a problem because he has no boundaries with his own children.

its a mental sickness when a parent is too overly involved with his children and puts them over his wife.

no you dont have to "get over it."

does your dh expect you to majically come to love your sd? he is seeing her with rosy coloured glasses and its not a realistic picture.

I would have just responded that "I never had anything to be over." As an adult we get to pick and chose who we have in our lives, since she contributes nothing to yours, you don't need to justify why. That is his child, he obviously needs to get over that not everybody thinks she's all that and a bag of chips.

DH didn't say "get over it" but when SS32's name came up a few weeks ago I reiterated that I was just done with him. My exact words were "SS is who he is." Then I went on to say that I never wanted to force him to choose and that he was certainly free to see him - but SS could never be in our home again even if I wasn't at home.

I reminded him that I had tried. He readily admitted that I'd given SS multiple chances.

I haven't heard "get over it" yet, but I suspect it's coming someday. My OSD is an expert at playing the "I am such a good girl" routine and my DH is gullible enough to fall for it, although he acknowledges the hurtful things OSD has done to both of us in the past.

I guess I would be curious what your DH is expecting....is he thinking you should re-engage with his DD since he perceives she is making an effort? And that gives his DD a clean slate now?

I would tell him that as her father, it is easier for him to forgive her past behavior than it is for you, although you have moved on and accept the current situation. You continue to support him having a normal, age-appropriate, healthy relationship with his adult daughter. However, his daughter is an adult and is not on a visitation plan to your home where you need to be involved with her and her children's lives. And since it is harder for an adult to change her stripes, you need evidence of improved behavior over time before you consider seeing her again.

I am not re-engaging just because DH is back in her good graces because she wants something and he wants my companionship while he visits. Here is what I told my DH and will repeat if I am told to "get over it":

- OSD needs to treat her father with respect for an extended period of time before I would consider seeing her. If she can't treat her father with respect, why on earth should the SM bother?
- OSD will need to have broken her behavioral cycle of "manipulate to get my way/punish when I don't".
- OSD would need to have reached out to me personally with demonstrations of remorse for her previous behavior.
- I also will need to see a change in how DH addresses issues. It has been difficult to regain trust and respect for him after he let himself be a doormat because he was afraid of his adult daughter. I don't want to go back to square one.

I think the above is reasonable in ensuring I don't spend time in the presence of a toxic individual who has treated both her father and I with disrespect. I also don't think there is a chance in hell that these things will ever happen - OSD will never think that her behavior was inappropriate in the first place. She is an unaccountable narcissistic victim and has no capacity for self-introspection.

As someone who is in the position of your SD (sort of) I think it's a good thing that you just let sleeping dogs lie. My SM was someone I was close to before my Dad began cheating on my Mom with her. She sunk a knife deep down in my back and while one can forgive, there are just some things you don't forget. (Not saying you did anything of the sort-but just so you know where I'm coming from).

I hadn't spoken to my Dad in 10 years when SD was born. Sometimes, people just need space. I needed space. When I had BD I decided I wanted to afford him a second chance, so that BD would only know of him what he chose to show her. I always said that when I had kids, I would teach them to make their own decisions about people. I couldn't rightfully do that if I started filtering the people allowed in their lives. I obviously would never put BD in a position to be hurt the way I was by her grandfather, BUT I want her to grow up to think for herself.

That opened the flood gates. He rushed in, took advantage of the opportunity and truthfully, I'm really glad I let him back in. It's been good going on 3 years now. He helps me out when I need him, I return the favor when I'm able. It's good.

SM however, I still struggle with where I'm at with her. She makes herself scarce when I'm around-and I don't mind. We've gotten out cordial "Hellos" and when my Dad an I were working on my over the summer, she ran to the store to get the part we were missing. I thanked her. Otherwise-it's arm's length. And I am 100% cool with that. We don't have to like each other, we don't have to get along. I'm his daughter. She's his chosen partner. Obviously we care for him on some level so we just need to be adults and not engage in drama. Simple as that.

When my DH was attempting to drop a bunch of blame and guilt on me I asked for specifics. Yes, SD has 'made an effort' with HIM, but ask him to detail how she has 'made an effort' specifically with you. Then tell him you will not discuss it further until he has fully processed what you have asked and that you actually see the change for yourself.

For decades SD accused me of "making her uncomfortable" in my home and DH would throw me under the bus. After SD's meltdown I asked DH to specifically tell me how and when I made her uncomfortable. He did not have an answer. Never heard that B.S. again. If your SD wants to mend fences with you she will approach you personally and truly make the effort.

As far as attending events where SD is present, it depends on the dynamics. There would have to be a lot of people present with whom I have a good relationship, and I would refrain from communicating with SD at all. I wouldn't even acknowledge her existence. On the other hand, if it were in a smaller setting, DH would be free to go but I would stay home or plan something special for myself.

Just remember - it's not you.

If DH were to tell me I need to get over it, I would calmly remind him why I disengaged in the first place. I made the mistake in the beginning of keeping my mouth shut. BIG MISTAKE.

If I'm ever told "deal with it", I would.

By promptly cutting the toxic out of my life. When around the offending behavior I have the choice to walk away. Take a bubble bath. Go for a dog walk. Any number of things...

And if I'm ever asked why I'm avoiding the offending issue (person or behavior, whatever) my response would be "you wanted me to deal with it...I am"

I vote for this one: ". . . remind him of your disengagement and that these comments are unnecessary and unwelcome." Whenever someone is wronged, stepped on, stomped on, spit on (you get the idea), it is completely up to them if they want to forgive or even try to forgive and move on or "Get Over It," as DH put it. Part of The reason why is that he isn't in your shoes. He has way more protection as a dad than a SM would. It is like a well-armed military sergeant telling an unarmed novice private to get over it and literally step into the line of fire.

ETA: Plus, I suspect this is what is really going on, from another site: "From my own experience, I learned that my husband deep down did not want to go either but hid behind me (which makes you look like the bad guy) because he did not want to deal with his children. You need to regain your life and let him deal with his children that they see him in the light. Otherwise, you will always be the one they blame." He's too chicken to go alone.

"Get over it" were words I heard many times after I disengaged. I suspect I'll hear them again at some point, but the truth is, I really don't have anything to get over. For me, SD is just some stranger whose opinion, thoughts, feelings, wants and needs are irrelevant in my life. I waited for a long time for an apology from SD but never got one. Now, I hope that I never do. When DH dares utter those words to me again, I will let him know that i am happy with things just as they are, and he should get happy too.

There are some things you should not get over....you can't....abuse is one, and if you are in a situation with a doormat daddeee, you have likely been used and abused.

You would be most wise to NEVER get over-- protecting you.

I disengaged eight years ago and still hear "are you ever going to get over it"; meaning when are you going to be nice to my daughter. My reply: "I want nothing to do with your DD, you enjoy her all you desire."

NEVER AGAIN will I take the passive aggression and mental abuse I let happen for 30+ years with no apology from either DH nor SD56.

I am over SD; DH is not over my disengagement and probably will never get over it. Therefore, we don't discuss SD and her family, I am civil when she drops by to visit Dadeeeee...., I do absolutely nothing for her, I do not engage with SD in discussion, nor do I hostess her in any way. I will not attend family gatherings at her or SGD's (mother/daughter) homes. My SD is not part of my life and never will be again.

This doesn't mean I don't have bad days, where she is concerned; like when she comes into my home to visit her Dadeeeee. I take the attitude DH and SD are on a "need to know" basis. When I have a bad day, they don't need to know; I give SD and DH no reactions.

I just have never understood that if you want a full and loving relationship with dh it means your are also required to have a full and loving relationship with skids even though they could care less, treat you like shit and in most cases are middle aged. It is as if though it is a test to show dh how much you love him and that is by accepting all the crap skids hurl at you with open arms, a smile, saying you are welcomed into my home, and I will entertain you, feed you, pretend that what comes out of your mouth are pearls of wisdom that I will gulp down like a guppy. See how much I love dh!!!

I ignore snotty comments most of the times, the other times I will reply..

I already got over it, your daughter is a brat thanks to her parents raising her to be one, now you get over the fact that I don't want to get involved. You are free to visit her and see her as much as you want, I am not interested, once bitten twice shy.

My rule is not to even engage in or entertain these kind of conversations anymore. A few months ago DH said, "I know you don't like ss32." This was one of those danglers to get me to start defending myself and spewing how wonderful his son was then he could counter how evil I am and how much I hate him. In response I didn't say anything but gave him a puzzled look like I was utterly confused and didn't understand a word he said. There was awkward silence for a little while then DH sheepishly went back to doing what he was doing. No long two hour conversation about ss, no fighting, defending my self or being angry for days.

You don't have to "get over" anything, make amends, or have a pretend relationship w/a narcissistic hateful person that happens to be related to your husband. Tell DH that the windows and doors are open, he's free to go and do whatever he wants, whenever w/his family. His relationship w/his daughter literally has nothing to do w/you. In return you have the same freedom to go and do, when and where w/yours. He will never understand your stance on this. He's blinded by his daughters affections and the chance to see gkids. Good for him, I hope his efforts pay off and he has a great relationship w/all of them.

I've been told my SD is "making an effort," with the hint that I should get over it. It needs to be clarified to your spouse that you are not still on the road - you have arrived at your destination.
My SD likes her cycle of "seduce & reject" - leading me to believe she has finally accepted me and then shutting me down. When her father suggests that she's "trying," he only sees the moment, not the cycle. Of course she's trying! I must bite her bait for the cycle to continue. I'm done.
And yes, SDs never "make an effort" with SMs - the "effort" is always via their father who forgives everything so they don't have to repair the relationship with you like a grownup.
So remind him you've arrived at your destination and as such there's nothing to get over and then change the subject.

I think the "get over it" is one of the most cruel things a dh can say. It is as he is saying:

1. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill!

2. You are dillusional, what my love puppy said was not anything like how you took it.

3. You may be bordering insanity, and I may have to commit you if it continues, as it never happened.

4. If you love me, you would just embrace it, and welcome their rude behavior with an open heart.

5. You are selfish, as you always want things your way. You just take and take and never give anything in return.

6. You must be on your period and your hormones are raging. Makes no difference if you are 63 years old and have not had a period in 20 years. The point is that you did have periods and they are still affecting you.

Everyone has fallen off me like engorged ticks. I will have to be creative and figure out what to do for the holidays. Either way it will be better than the last holidays I have experienced. Like ex when he was upset with me going to the dollar store and picking up dried pineapple, the foulest tasting cookies and gloves to give me. My ds letting my ex buy and pick up gifts to give me from ds and gkids. My ss grunting with absolute hesitation, "Hey (not even using my name), merry xmas." and that is it. The sad thing is my birthday is on Xmas. Getting a happy meal so that I get the toy and a meal would top the last couple of years.

One of the responses mentioned to the Get Over It remark was good - something like, "well, why don't you get over the fact that I am sick and tired that adult skids are rude and disrespectful to you, me and others."

It really is not right that stepmothers or so's are expected to just sit, get over it and smile while a rude adult skid is hateful to them and their dh. Quite frankly, our so's, dh's should defend the person they love and expect and ask rude skids to treat their spouse with some sort of decency. If the person being mistreated by a step has the courage to stand up to them, well go for it.

And why does the SM always get blamed by the steps for daddy's cheating on BM? Don't these skids realize daddy was doing something wrong too? it is like the skids and their daddy's can do no wrong to each other no matter if they cheat, lie, steal, or are nasty to their spouse. I say to the dh's and the skids, "get over your dysfuntional relationship and take off your blinders."

Oh No, the holidays! Hopefully I won't have to deal with the mean, nasty skids, and am sure they expect dh to spend any extra money he has on their brood. No skids or gskids contacted dh for his bday this year. No cards, nada. I still feel bad for dh. They will never "get over" that daddy will not waste his time with mean, manipulative people who cannot "get over" the fact daddy is in love and we are happy and daddy's wife will not be treated like garbage. Oh, "get over it"

I hope no one here thinks that the majority of SMs and dads were having affairs (dad was cheating on BM) prior to dad and SM hooking up. This is a myth that needs to be put to rest. The vast majority of SMs, approximately 95%, were not even remotely involved with their DH prior to his and BM's divorce.

Statistics are kept on such things as how many SMs were actually involved with dad prior to dad's and bio-mom's divorce. Guess what, it is only 3%. That's right. Only 3% of all SMs were involved in any kind of relationship with dad prior. I do think the 3% is a little low. But, even 10% would be way lower than the 90% that most people seem to think occurs with SM and dad. See below:

• A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.
• Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include: intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the affairee.

Idvilen amzing statistics, yet I have read so many posts about the skids blaming the sm for the demise of their parent's marriage even though their df was divorced prior to having a relationship with the sm. I think that no matter what there will be one excuse of the other why sms are to blame. No matter what the reality is skids will find some reason to detest the sm.

In hind sight I now realize that no matter what I did to try to make ss welcomed and feel included it made absolutely no difference as ss was determined to resent me. It really was a waste of my energy and time to do what I did. As I read some of the posts the key is detachment and to do absolutely nothing for skids, to behave as if they are non-beings. It is a slippery slope to be able to accomplish detachment. In my case my dh was constantly watching how I behaved around ss. There was one time that he said I sighed and he took that as a sign that I did want to be around ss. It was really crazy like walking on broken glass barefooted.

To those sms who have successfully navigated detachment I encourage you to keep on writing how you accomplished it and how you maintain it, and to those sms who have not detached, do it now as it will save your sanity and marriage.