i agree about the mini wife syndrome.

your dh is a surrogate husband for his own daughter. it is emotionally sick for every one involved.

you have to figure out how to cope from disengagement to divorce.

if your sd is marriage that creates another problem.

They want the Waltons . Except the Waltons were an intact family and Mr. Walton wasn't enmeshed with his daughters. I mean at the end of the show everyone said good night to each other no exclusions lol

12342004: I removed myself from my SD56 and DH's betrayal and gossip, not only about me, but many other family members. When I learned how destructive they are, when they get together, and feed off of each other, I decided to disengage and never take it personal again. Eight years ago, I set new boundaries for myself, and decided I was the only person that was going to change my situation; I disengaged totally from SD56 and her immediate family.

I figured DH would leave me over my disengagement. It has been difficult, but our marriage has survived and it is much better in a different way. I also felt SD and her family had won the battle, when I stepped away and began building my own life without attending any further family gatherings, where SD and family would be present. I told my DH to please see his daughter and grandkids any time he wished and anywhere he wished; but SD and family were not allowed in our home, if they did not show respect to me, as DH's wife. I told DH, I will show them the door in a split minute and if he didn't like it, he could leave with them. I have not had to do that yet. DH is honoring my request for respect.

You are right when you say your DH will tire of doing everything concerning his DD. My DH has come to understand how demanding SD and family are of me. I do not even offer them a glass of water, when they visit DH. I do not invite them to our home and have not for almost four years for anything, including holidays. I am civil, but treat them like someone I just met. My DH spends less and less time with them, doesn't even host them when they come to see him.

My DH was devastated that I disengaged and he no longer had me to hostess the entire family and keep it together. SD has caused so much hate and discontent within DH's family, nobody has gatherings any longer; you see it had nothing to do with me, except I was her SM. She has always hated and been jealous of DH and my marriage and loving relationship.

Just slowly back away and stop being the doormat. Take it slow and one event at a time. If you do not want to be present, you do not want to give a gift, or you do not want to hostess or cook for them, then don't! Just suggest that you all go out to dinner, so you don't have to cook. This is what I do, if I get pushed into making a decision on entertainment. I suggest we all gather at a nice steak house. If I decide the last minute to not go, I stay home and tell DH to enjoy the meal and visit.

You can set your own boundaries, without even saying a word to your DH or anyone else. You can work thru it, as it arises. This is what I do, even after eight years.

I do not care if my SD56 exists; that took years to not care what she said, thought, or did. I can't even tell you what she is doing today, yesterday, or ever; because I don't ask, I don't tell, and I don't care if she falls off the edge of the earth. Because she is as toxic a person as I have ever know; she is also a very miserable person. I don't need it and won't tolerate it ever again.

You stay here on Steptalk and vent and we will support you thru your disengagement. My 'good' days out weigh my 'bad' days now.; I love myself again and YES I have won in the end.

Just remember that you have chosen to disengage, therefore, you have chosen to be left out of DH and SD's relationship. You will feel lonesome and hurt, but you will heal if you let it go and move forward.

Good Luck and ((((hugs))))

I can totally sympathize with you, I am about to leave a relationship of 11 1/2 years because of him wanting his kids, their partner's, their partner's families constantly doing things with them. Most people on here know the story as it unfolded about my situation. Unless your partner backs you up, this will continue, my ex was all for his kids and whilst he could have me in the little box and bully me into every situation, everything was fine. As soon as I stood up for myself regarding his kids, that's it - he wanted me gone.

I am now looking forward to leaving him and moving into my new home in 2 weeks time, onwards and upwards x

I can totally sympathize with you, I am about to leave a relationship of 11 1/2 years because of him wanting his kids, their partner's, their partner's families constantly doing things with them. Most people on here know the story as it unfolded about my situation. Unless your partner backs you up, this will continue, my ex was all for his kids and whilst he could have me in the little box and bully me into every situation, everything was fine. As soon as I stood up for myself regarding his kids, that's it - he wanted me gone.

I am now looking forward to leaving him and moving into my new home in 2 weeks time, onwards and upwards x

After I disengaged from my SD56; my DH was very upset and called me a "bitch". I looked DH straight in the eye and said to him, "Yes, I have become a Bitch. I wonder who made me a Bitch; you and your DD made me a bitch. You have both considered me a bitch, so now you have your wish, I AM ONE. Deal with it any way you can, but I'm here to stay."

I have not heard it again. Like you, I hate confrontation, but my DH and SD56 forced it and now they regret bringing me out of my corner.

Just take it slowly and handle it as you must. Don't let it take the good things from your life. Take care of yourself. If you want your marriage, keep it; all is fair in Love and War.

"You have to protect yourself, he's not going to."

This is the sad reality that most SM's have to face; that their DH is not a knight in shining armor but rather an ostrich who sticks his head in the sand anytime skids are abusive to SM.

Sorry to be late to the thread, but I suggest that each time he spends over X amount on the skids (you decide the amount), you withdraw the same amount and place it in a private account. If/when he complains about the dollar drain, you'll have documentation to back up your actions.

"You should get involved more!!", "Either he says I don’t do enough which is why I feel left out or he goes opposite and shouts the odds", making it sound as if it is you. You then question yourself and your sanity. This is 'gas lighting'. He knows what he is doing is wrong but he is deflecting this on to you. It's all your fault that he is being used. Right!

My DH used to do this before I asked him for specifics. He would make vague statements about how I made SD uncomfortable in my own home. When I would tell him about some of the abusive things SD was doing he replied, "I didn't see it." I finally asked him to tell me specifically what I was doing to make SD uncomfortable - he couldn't come up with an answer. I then added that SD made ME uncomfortable - and I had witnesses.

The next time your DH says, you should get involved more ask him to tell you specifically how you should get involved so he stops being an ATM for his kids. In other words, deflect it back to him. He's the one with the problem - not you.