At the end of my rope
So if any of you have read my other 2 posts, here I am with #3! You're probably thinking that I should figure out a solution already, but it's not that easy unfortunately.
Long story short, I'm engaged to my SO and he has a son (I'll refer to him as SS) who is 3 and is a complete nightmare to me. We have him every other week and his BM has him the other weeks. I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first child and in my last post I talked about SO wanting to take SS out of daycare when I go on my mat leave. Well, I got put on sick leave by my doctor and I somehow convinced SO to keep SS in daycare but it wasn't without a fight.
To be honest, I can't stand SS. It's to the point where I don't even want to be in the same room with him anymore and every little thing he does annoys me. We have him this week and each day I have taken him to daycare and each day SO will ask me why I took him since I'm home "being lazy" and turn it into an argument. He doesn't understand why I don't want to look after him. Maybe because when he isn't around SS turns into a defiant little brat. Yesterday I went to pick him up from daycare and his socks were off for some reason. It took me and 2 workers to get his socks, boots, hat and jacket on and we basically had to restrain him because he was screaming his face off, running away and hitting everyone. Made me feel like a complete idiot and embarrassed me!! I had to wrestle him into his car seat and he screamed the whole way home and then of course as soon as he sees his father he starts acting like an angel. I told him how he acted and of course I started bawling because 1) my hormones are raging right now and 2) it's really getting to me how he gives me such a hard time and SO thinks it's no big deal. He told me I was being silly and "so what he gave you a hard time? He's obviously just tired.". I'm just so beyond fed up with being the one who always has to deal with his tantrums and SO barely does anything about it. All he said was "You have to be nice to brymca, she's nice to you." and turns on the TV and hands him a treat. I went to the bedroom and cried for an hour and got put down for it. He doesn't understand. He came into the room and said "why are you crying? you can't even control SS and he's only 3. Good luck with this baby" and basically said that I was going to be a shit mother and my kid will hate me because I'm going to smother him to death and then SS will hate me too because I won't treat him the same. What kind of person says that to a pregnant woman? I'm so tired of him putting me down. But for some fucked up reason he still means the world to me and I don't think I could ever leave him.
I have been up since 3:30 am puking and just being so uncomfortable since the baby dropped and I have an unreal amount of pressure. SS woke up before SO left for work and of course was acting completely fine and even said good morning to me which only happens if SO tells him to say it. As soon as SO walked out the door, BAM! his entire attitude changed. I told him it was time to change his diaper (yes, he's still not potty trained because SO just doesn't try) and he runs away screaming bloody murder telling me to go away and don't touch. You would think by the way he acts that I've beat him or something and he's scared of me but I have never laid a hand on him or yelled at him. I mean yeah I will get frustrated with him and I'm sure he can sense it but I've done nothing wrong to him. Finally, I managed to get him changed and put his clothes on. I took him straight to daycare because I don't have it in me to deal with him today. I usually wait until 9:00 or so to take him so we can hang out a bit first and have a chance to bond but I couldn't even last 2 hours with him to be completely honest. I literally have anxiety right now because I know SO will show up at some point and ask where SS is and why isn't he home.
First thing he does when he walk in the daycare is smack a little girl right in the face and he starts crying. So here I am embarrassed again looking like I have no control over him which let's be honest...I don't! I just have no sympathy for him anymore. I feel like a monster for not giving a rats ass about him being upset and I left him there crying since I was tearing up myself because I don't know what to do anymore and just had to leave before I lost it. I cried the whole way home and here I am now, still crying.
I feel myself reverting to how I used to be when I was depressed. Not cleaning the house, not caring about my hygiene, losing my appetite, closing myself in my bedroom and just not giving a fuck about anything. I'm so nervous to have this kid and I wish I wasn't pregnant. I'm not ready for kids, I can't even take care of myself. I'm 22 and had an addiction problem when I was a teenager. I went through detox and rehab and I barely just got myself sober when I met SO and that was only 2 years ago. My mental state is just not there. I was on anti-depressants and anxiety meds but I stopped taking them when I found out I was pregnant.
Half of me thinks everything will be better when I have the baby, I can go back on my meds and these horrible hormones will go away. Then the other half of me thinks things are just going to get a lot worse. I resent SS. I wish he wasn't here. I wish I had SO all to myself and most of our arguments are about him. I absolutely do not want to be a part-time parent which is one of the reasons I stay. I've always wanted kids but this is the wrong timing.
Last night, SO said "don't worry, just leave SS to me and you can take care of this baby since that's the only thing you care about." But yet, I'm the one who bathes him since he would only do it once a week, I'm the one who fights with him to brush his teeth, I cook his meals since he only gives him cereal, junk food and McDonald's, I'm the one who points out he needs discipline or he will never learn. I do all the work he should be doing! All SS wants to do is play his game and smoke weed. I can hardly think about having to leave this baby alone with him because he gets so zoned out into things and just doesn't pay attention to stuff. I'm angry at him because I feel like he makes SS my responsibility and he doesn't see that he needs to grow up. If I didn't do anything, SS would be left completely unattended in the living room to do whatever while SO shuts himself in the bedroom.
It's Valentine's Day and we won't be doing anything. SO didn't even get me a gift. He didn't even know today was Valentine's until we were watching TV last night and a commercial came on. He came right out and said he forgot and for me not to expect anything today because he didn't get me anything since we don't have a lot of money right now. Also, we couldn't go out or do anything anyway since SS is here and we can't leave him out of things. Valentine's Day is not about your children, it's about your SO! I'm not a materialistic person and don't expect a big gift but is a card too much to ask for?? I got him a nice gift and I feel like taking it all back.
Things have only really gotten bad since I've gotten pregnant. Damn these hormones! I just want to go back to when we were happy, head over heels in love and to when I actually got excited when it was our week with SS.
I stopped reading half way
I stopped reading half way through cause I'm very angry....
1. SO telling you, you can't even a 3 year old how will you handle a baby... I would've given him the death stare and say, the 3 year old is not my fucking kid why should I handle him when his mother and father does fuck all to teach him manners...
2. Start video recording everything and send it to SO with a nice note, your child is out of hand come home and deal with this shit
Hon, why are you still there, yes you are pregnant but I would rather raise my child on my own then being told I'm lazy and being told to watch another woman's child. I'm sorry your SO has no respect for you, you are simply there to care for his child, for free and to give him sex.
The doctor booked you off on sick leave... why the hell do you have to watch a 3 year old, you are suppose to have rest.
Nope Hon start recording all of this shit and then simply call it quits, nails SO's ass for CS and take your pregnant ass out of that situation, raise your kid on your own, I'm sure your family will help you, The day you leave... you send SO all the video recordings of his evil spawn
You are setting yourself up
You are setting yourself up for some serious post partum depression with everything you are putting up with just to stay with that asshole. He dumps all of his responsibilities on you and verbally abused you when you complain.
But you say you won't leave. You aren't ready for kids, but here you are. Sigh. Adoption is a great option as your mental state is in jeopardy and your BF isn't going to magically become a good dad with baby #2.
I just want to go back to
I just want to go back to when we were happy, head over heels in love and to when I actually got excited when it was our week with SS.
Oh, honey, that wasn't real. He is showing his true colors, now. This is it, this is who he is. A crappy partner and a crappy father.
Agree with heriam, the issue
Agree with heriam, the issue is not your SS it's your partner and if you're not prepared to leave him (as you say is the case)then things are only going to get worse for you.
I personally think you're far too young to be both a bio parent and step-parent but there's really only one situation you can now change (unless you consider adoption for your little one) so I truly hope you find the courage to leave your awful partner.
"Yes, I do love this baby and
"Yes, I do love this baby and so should you. Just like you and BM love SS."
Dude, walk away from this jerkass, get your child support and go back to school.
Talk to your doctor about
Talk to your doctor about your feelings. Like Beebeel said, you are setting yourself up for major postpartum depression. I had it with my 2nd and I have never felt as low and worthless, and awful as I did. My whole life was a fog and I barely functioned. Get yourself set to be on meds now that are safe or immediately after the birth. I don't have advice for how your SO is treating you but I do know that when the baby gets here it isn't going to get any better. You may want to start your plans to move out, even if it is just a short term lease to see if you want to continue in the relationship you are in.
Does your psychiatrist know
Does your psychiatrist know that you've gone off your meds? Was this done at his/her suggestion or at least with his/her knowledge and approval? Do you have a therapist? With your history of addiction and mental illness, I would think that therapy would be very useful, particularly since you are not taking your anti-depressants and anxiety medication at this point.
You need to work on your mental state and your self esteem. The fact that this man means the world to you and you don't think you can leave him, notwithstanding the horrible way he treats you, is indicative of low self esteem. I am appalled at the things he says to you and his expectations of you with regard to HIS son. Your hormones are not the problem; the problem is that your SO is a flaming ass. Things are not going to get better when the pregnancy hormones are gone.
Please go see your psychiatrist and consider seeing a psychologist if you're not already. Your situation is overwhelming and I think you could use some help dealing with it.
Your SO knows exactly why you
Your SO knows exactly why you don't want to look after him but he doesn't want to either so you're the easy option. He's witnessed one of your SS melt downs and dealt with it by giving him a treat to keep him quiet, hence your SS associates his BD with treats so will behave and all hell breaks loose with you as you don't give in to him, this 3 year old has it sussed!
As much as you love this man this will never work, be kind to yourself & leave.
I very much feel like the
I very much feel like the level of involvement a bio parent can expect from a step parent is whatever level of involvement that step parent feels comfortable with.
Your SS is not your kid. He is not your responsibility, especially in your condition. SS is DH & BM's responsibility. He needs to stop pushing it off onto someone who is unwilling (and well within her rights to be) to participate at that level.
His jabs about your mothering are cruel and unacceptable. I would ask him if speaking to you like that makes him feel better about himself. And his comment about you just "being lazy at home" UHM NO. You are making another HUMAN BEING. You were taken out of work for your and your baby's health-not funsies. This man seriously needs to get a clue.
I couldn't finish reading
I couldn't finish reading either. I'll say it again, I don't understand why everyone is so quick to get knocked up. This relationship is maaaaaybe 3 years old and a baby has already been added. Not to mention, this couple isn't even married. That's great if OP just wants to walk away- she'll have way more benefits as opposed to the father, but this situation is a nightmare. SS is a nightmare kid and I would refuse to transport/ look after a little sh!t who isn't potty trained and is constantly abusing other children. Just nope.
OP, please get the help you deserve. Your and your baby's health is of utmost importance and you can't risk jeopardizing that. Your boyfriend is an unappreciative d-bag and a horrible father.
Your problem isn't SS. It's
Your problem isn't SS. It's your SO.
I'm not sure what you want from here since it appears you are hell bent on staying with this abusive POS. Please enlighten us as to why. Other than not wanting to be a part time parent. I get that, in the unlikely event your SO will actually want to parent his second child, I'd be concerned too. Though he's not doing a whole lot of parenting now. Has SS been evaluated for a developmental or hearing problem?
However I see no reason to stay in this relationship. Do you have a family member you can pack up and go to? At least have an emergency plan to get to a shelter when things escalate. What will it take for you to get to that decision point?
Please start putting yourself
Please start putting yourself first.
I was dealing with a very similar situation as you are with your SS. I eventually broke down and could not do it anymore.
I was also belittled for saying my SS was too much to handle. I was made to feel guilty for struggling. I was being hit and screamed at by SS then 4. SS would never do any of that when DH was around. I really though I was going crazy. I thought I was the problem and that I created all the stress. I was told that I was the problem and that I needed to figure it out.
My relationship with my DH recently fell apart. I had become disengaged and DH resented me for that.
Your SO is making you feel like a terrible person and putting you down. You deserve so much better than that. You need someone who will look out for you and support you.
I know the feeling. My
I know the feeling. My partner's daughter has ruined Valentine's evening. My partner hold her that he and I were going out for a meal that evening....she turned up for the BRAT (her 9 year old daughter) at 8.45 on. My partner knows I am EXTREMELY ANNOYED AND FED UP with his daughter
If you stay with this
If you stay with this azzhole, I predict things will escalate and he will attempt to get custody of your baby to punish you. He will use everything against you. Your past addiction, your mental health issues, your demeanor at the daycare. If you get out now, you have a better chance at keeping custody of your baby. Leave now or you will regret it.