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Uncooperative ex-wife

bubbles's picture

Submitted by bubbles on Tue, 08/22/2006 - 1:22pm

Let me give a little background info, so you can fully understand and offer advice. There's no nice way to say this, but I am the reason by hubby left his wife. The marriage was already doomed but I was the excuse or reason that he left. I mentioned earlier that he has two boys, ages 6 and 10. We have issues with both of them but the older one is a bit more verbal about his feelings. My hubby and I know that alot of his actions are a reflection of his mothers feelings. My hubby has tried talking to her or arguing with her about certain situations and her response is that she is doing what is right for her boys even if that includes hurting them. We don't feel that they can trully be themselves around me becuase of their mother. Is there a way to get through to this woman, that she is hurting her children?? She is letting her emotions run over to her children. How do you get her to see that there is no love regarding her children when she's using them against the situation? Its kind of hard to explain without writing too much...i hope you can understand the question I'm asking. Ex says she does have their best interest at hearts, but not when she doesn't help them understand that dad is no longer home and dad has a new life that they are still a part of. Its only my husband and I telling the boys the truth and the way things really are...but its only coming from our side...and she does the opposite.

Comments

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Tue, 08/22/2006 - 2:38pm

All you can do is all you can do…just keep trying to show the boys the positive…the WORST thing to have missing is BALANCE and a STANDARD…if they are exposed to normalcy for even a small period of time…when they get to the age to form their own opinions on the world…you can take joy/pride in the fact that you at least gave them an alternative! Easier said than done I know but that is all we can do at the end of the day…

Nymh's picture

Submitted by Nymh on Tue, 08/22/2006 - 7:13pm

This is exactly like what I am going through, and amazingly I have been on the other end of it as a child in a household where my mother was constantly bad-mouthing my dad after their divorce. All we can do is be patient and wait for her to come around. Just be sure that you never say anything negative about her or the situation in front of the kids. Don't stoop to her level. Don't let them see that she even bothers you. Provide them with a positive, supportive atmosphere and nature will do the rest. Yes, she is hurting her children and in her pain has deluded the idea of what is best for them, but neither your husband nor you (especially not you) are ever going to be able to show her that. She will realize it after a few years and it will be a rude awakening to her, and she probably won't make the effort to change. I wish I could be positive about this but I've been through it as a child and an adult, and I really can't say as I have any reason to be.

The silver lining is that kids are smart and are capable of forming their own opinions on people despite the negativity that they get at home.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

ACopsWife's picture

Submitted by ACopsWife on Wed, 08/23/2006 - 1:22am

First off, let me commend you for your honesty, it takes a big person to admit what you just did. Second, the ex is probably going to be hostile towards you for a long time to come. My husbands ex hates me for much less. Id hate to see how she would treat me, if i had been around before they had gotten separated or divorced. Personally, if my ex would have left me for another woman, I would not have treated her with respect either. Even though you probably are a really great person/stepmother, she is not going to see that!! All she see's is a woman who ruined her marriage. Not that it wasn't already ruined, I dont know. Shes just not going to see it like that. No one wants to believe a divorce was their fault, its too easy to blame someone else. Your first step is to look past that, and recognise what the situation really is. Hard feelings are going to be there no matter what. Maybe in time, she will come around, maybe not. I dont really have any advice for you. Time might be the only thing on your side. Good luck Smile

Allyceson's picture

Submitted by Allyceson on Wed, 08/23/2006 - 7:26am

I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet and realize that the kids may never want anything to do with you and the relationship you have with their Dad. If things change, great. If not, at least you've prepared yourself for it. Dad must have had some idea that their mother would react this way when she found out. I'm not saying it's right, but I can tell you that I spent way to much time and energy being frustrated about how my hubby's ex was screwing up their kids. There's nothing you can do about it. I wasn't even the reason that my husband left his ex and he had given her plenty of warning that it was coming if things didn't change, but she's still the victim and will always be happy to play that role. I was called a number of things- the nicer ones including "flavor of the week" etc. If you want this realtionship to work, you're going to have some TOUGH skin. Also, your husband is going to have to look at the situation and be able to take his share of the responsibililty for the relationship not working, but also make sure that he recognizes that she has some as well. One of the big problems in my relationship with my husband when we started dating was that even though he could share all the things she had done to push him away and treat him horribly, he still in his heart felt mostly responsible for the divorce because he wanted it. This will cause huge issues between the two of you as you can only deal with them letting the ex make all the decisions for so long.
Good luck, Bubbles.

bubbles's picture

Submitted by bubbles (not verified) on Wed, 08/23/2006 - 8:44am

I feel better knowing that I'm not alone. Everyone has different things to say, but everything makes sense.

I was married when I met my hubby, (had ALOT of problems...more relating to immaturity from my ex and him not wanting to change for the benefit of our family). I wasn't looking for a relationship and neither was he. We worked together, and came to know one another at work. Slowly we began to grow a bond together...one that neither was really looking for. He at the time had been unhappy for many years, prior to meeting me...and she knew that. He later became my boss and witnessed verbal abuse that i would get from my hubby at the time and he was my rock...he got me through it all. If it wasn't for him opening my eyes to seeing that not all men are jerks, I would have stayed in a very unhappy relationship and still been miserable. I ended up separating from my husband and got divorced, at the time my daughters were 5 and 1...my little one, was not planned, so despite that we were not stable, I had wanted to work on our relationship before we had another child together...but it didn't work out that way. I've been divorced for 4 years and my ex does not step foot at my door, not even phone calls to his kids. My little girl only knows my hubby now as her dad...the older one remembers her real father, but she is very strong and deals well with his absence, becuase she has my hubby. So I was divorced and still communicating with my hubby...we became closer...and he too later started divorce proceedings. His family had warned her years before that their marriage was falling apart, and she needed to change to keep him...she never listened. His family has been very very supportive of our relationship/marriage becuase they know that i was not the cause of the breakup, to them it had ended because they knew he was not happy. She suspected that he was seeing me and he denied it, so the divorce would go through and it did. I think we waited about 6 months - 1 yr before we publicly started dating. So becuase she suspected i was in the picture when he left, thats where all her hatred comes from. I can understand that...but my priority is the kids...my kids don't even communicate with the biodad, don't get support from him either. My kids went through that and all I can do is support them and be there for them. I don't talk bad about him to my oldest daughter and I never will. Even though he does deserve it. Even though his ex doesn't have him as her husband anymore, he is very much in the lives of the boys and he always will be. That is what she should be grateful of...I guess becuase of her hurt feelings, she sometimes doesn't see that and has all this anger towards me...and that passes on to the kids. His boys are not mean to me...I think if they could ignore me they would...like if i were invisible. I am nice, caring, loving and they are in my care when they are with us. It's hard becuase at times i feel it goes unappreciated and I know its becuase of their mother. Now my kids and his kids get along okay for the most part, there were jealousies in the beginning but for the most part that has passed. They don't call my girls sisters becuase their mother tells them, they are not sisters...step-sister becuase they are not blood, she even tells my hubby that my girls are not his daughters for the same reason. It's battle after battle for my hubby with her and its like talking to a brick wall with her. Earlier in our marriage he held back from arguing with her mostly out of guilt (pertaining to the kids)...but that has changed now. I actually told my hubby yesterday, that becuase he held back on certain things, the real battle has only begun. I'm glad I found this site...I can vent and get feedback from everyone. Even if noone responds, I can at least vent. Now you know more of my life...