Step Siblings Issues...I need to vent...
My stepsons are 6 & 10, my daughters are 5 & 10. My ss and my daughter both go to the same school this year, so this is the first year that they are around the same group of kids. Well my daughter likes to say that ss is her brother, and he will say it isn't true or that she is lying. My daughter said this morning that the kids are believing him and not her. I have told her before to not say anything to him becuase I didn't want her to get into trouble for something that he started, so for the most part she doesn't say anything back to him. I think its getting out of hand now and I WANT her to say something to him, I can only imagine what she must feel having the kids saying, your lying...he's not your brother. My hubby said she should tell him, my mother is married to your dad and that makes us, step brother/sister whether you like it or not. It's frustrating!!! (and we have talked to them together already)
The other issue is sharing, this happens in all families, blended or not but here's the situation on this. My girls share ANYTHING with my ss's. They on the other hand will NOT bring a toy over to our house so they won't have to share and the day they do bring it over, there is always excuses for putting the toy away...the battery is low or I was going to use it right now or actually passing the toy over and then being angry about letting the girls hold it, then asking for it back within a few minutes.
Do you have any suggestions/ideas on how to address either of these issues??
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I'm fond...
...of the saying we have that there are no "steps" in our home. This is ridiculous, since we have a two-story house, but the "steps" refer to the people who make up our home, not the physical construction of it. My husband's eldest child isn't even his. She's not his stepdaughter, biological daughter or even adopted daughter. She was conceived by his ex-wife during an adulterous affair, but my husband raised her as his child and even put his name on her birth certificate. After their divorce, the ex had paternity established with the real bio father, because she knew she could get more CP from two fathers than from one. Devasting to this 4yo child to learn that Daddy wasn't her father after all. Devasting to my husband who lost his firstborn, now that the bio father has been given legal paternity of the child. But the point is, we still consider her one of OUR KIDS, along with my husband's two bio kids with his ex-wife, my bio son from my previous marriage that my husband adopted and the daughter we have together. There are five kids in our family and it's been too confusing for all of us to keep track of whether they are step-siblings, half-siblings, adopted siblings, etc. So we decided there would be no steps in our home and everyone is just brother and sister. Period. Once they stopped trying to label each other, the relationships just sort of fell into place amongst the children.
As for the sharing, if you can't get the boys to share and can't get support from the bio parents on raising them to be good, nice, sharing children, then you have to address it with your own daughters in such a way that explains to them that they need to do the right thing, even if other people (namely, their stepbrothers) don't do the right thing. Praise them for being good children who are growing up to be good people and let them know that their brothers' poor behavior is something to be pitied, not emulated. In our house, sharing is a rule and if you're not going to share it, then you don't bring it out. If you aren't nice and don't share, then the toy or whatever gets taken away and no one plays with it. Sharing is a rule just like any other, with consequences if you don't follow the rule.
~ Anne ~
I agree with you.
Anne, thank you for your comments. I agree with everything you said, it makes so much sense. I had a different way of voicing the step thing to my husband. I told him, why should she have to tell him in front of other kids our whole situation being step siblings. We hit a brick wall because ss mother tells both boys...they are not your blood, basically they are nothing to you. Right now as I type, I keep feeling...what is the point in trying to get him to agree and say yes we are brother/sister when we have his mother undoing what we try to correct. I just depressed myself.
That's really tough that the
That's really tough that the ex is undermining the relationship between the kids. You know what they say, you can't fight City Hall. I guess that's where you just have to raise your kids to be good people and not let them take their cues from the not-so-nice people in the world. Wish you lots of luck in getting through this... it is so sad for the kids.
~ Anne ~
It takes more than blood to
It takes more than blood to make a family. Is it part of the 'girls are Icky" stage the boys are in.....
Does she say 'brother' or 'step-brother' ? Maybe if she adds the clarifying "step" adjective in front of it....brother won't have such an issue....mothers interference or not.. It is what it is!! You don't need blood to be a 'step-brother' that way both kids can save face!
As far as the sharing thing goes...beware of moms influence...it doesn't sound like she's working on helping the boys adjust to step-siblings....too bad. It must be difficult for all involved, at times, stupid selfish biomom, is only making the children suffer in the long run.
Friends are like brothers, fireman are like brothers, you don't need blood.....adopted..bio..halfs and steps...all what today's families are made of.....
Angelina Joli....not blood to her kids still mother/child
Keep thinking of examples that they can relate to....get the point across....you don't need blood to be family...it may sink in eventually..
She calls him brother to her
She calls him brother to her friends and he will either say she is lying, or correct her, or he will tell others...she's my cousin. It seems like he has his days, but I know it has to hurt my daughter. Then sometimes she'll get asked...how is he your brother, same mom or dad, she says dad...he's my step brother...but he's still my brother.
The mother has alot of influence on them, in the beginning they called me mom once or twice, then the other brother went home and told the mom and she put a stop to that...saying again the same thing...she is not your blood...I am your blood. So they never called me mom again we are 3 years later with the same crap. It's sad to hear a 6 and 10 year old say...but Dad...she's not my blood. It hurts.
Thanks for your input!
But she isn't...can't force a relationship to happen.
But to him she isn't his sister, influenced by biomom or not. Don't sweat it...can't force relationships no matter what you call them. Just because two adults choose to marry, kids don't necessarily fall in place...it takes time for relationships to build if they ever do. Relax and let them be. When adults get all messed up in their business, it only creates more trouble...the kids will work it out.
Hopeful I see your point
Hopeful I see your point about not forcing the relationship upon him but are you saying that I should tell my kids don't refer to them as brothers or step brothers?
My hubby and I have shared the same view on that...that we can't force any relationship on him...my role in his life (as small as it may be), the brother/sister thing. BUT how do you explain to MY children, not to say something, when they want to embrace them as brothers???
You can tell them the truth.
You can tell them the truth. That it's nothing personal, its not about them, the brothers are having a harder time dealing with their mom & dad splitting up and being part of a "new" family".
It Takes Time
for the kids to adjust to being "siblings". Ours were 5,7,9,10,14 and had their territories. Five yrs later everyone except the 9 (now 14 SD) refer to each other as brother and sister. When the younger one would come to me upset about the terminology, I would just say that's right... you will be/are a step sister... and that's okay. Now I think they dropped the labels just because it's takes fewer words. Unfortunately, if your triangle includes a bitter and insecure bio-parent they will try to undermine the growth and development of blending families. I watch the kids interact and I think if you can see that they are starting to act more like natural siblings (hate one minute and best of friends the next) or becoming more protective of each other, then it really doesn't matter what they call each other... keep it nice though