My relationship with my husband didn't start until after the divorce had been filed and they were living in separate homes, so I can totally see your point Nise. I don't think it's logical to expect the same respect if your relationship started as an affair with the ex's husband. Not that most of us get respect from biomom anyway, but we do have the right to expect some, whether she gives it willingly or not. If you've slept with biomom's hubby before they separated, I can't imagine what would give you the opinion that she has to respect you because you're part of the picture now.
I can also sympathize with the ladies out there dealing with this. It's not right, but doesn't automatically make them "bad" people, either. Just someone who's made a pretty big error in judgement. Sometimes it seems as though they get the "husband stealer" wrap. The guys are just as accountable, if not more so. They're the ones having the affair, then going home to the wife. But how many of these wives are willing to take the hubby back, some even beg for him to come back, then act as though the mistress deserves to die?
It makes me want to vomit when I hear the "he's just a guy" excuse.
I wouldn't want to be the mistress and have to deal with that label for the rest of our relationship. I have a hard enough time getting people to see me as something other than the interloping second wife as it is.

Being a Stepmom is hard nonetheless, getting respect and courtesy and trying to "work with" the BM in all of the challenges of raising the kids, going to events, holidays is pretty tough. If it started out as an affair, I think the road to travel is much harder, and much longer. A lot of the issues would be the same, but obviously, some not so much. I am a SM and also a BM. My ex-husband is remarried and I am also an "ex-wife". When they first got together, I didn't want anything to with her, I didn't want see her, and the though of meeting her made me ill. I'm not sure why. Maybe partially becuase of the EX-H, but mainly becuase they are my kids that she is spending time with. She also had nothing to do with my marriage dissolving and I still had a little grudge. A little jealously. But I moved on, got over it, and now I like her. We aren't friends by a long stretch, but I can speak to her in a civil manner and we chat and get along fine. I actually like her more than I like my ex. On the other hand, I dread seeing my husband's ex.

Not my intention at all if I hurt your feelings. I would NEVER judge anyone. I have made many mistakes in my life. Many. And I do believe that sometimes things just happen. Fate, destiny, I believe in that. Maybe this was destined to be your path. The only point I was trying to make was that it should be expected that your path would be harder than some. Not that it was right or wrong. It just was.

NOW, that doesn't mean that everyone, including the EX should do anything other than what is best for the kids, including attempting to blend the families and blur the lines of separation. They should be allowed to feel like your kids are their step brothers and sisters. She can hate you, but she also needs to step up and do what is right for the sake and sanity of all involved.

I wish you the best of luck and have my fingers crossed for you that things will improve!

I think that this is a touchy subject. And I don't think that anyone is trying to make you feel bad. It is what it is. But I can say as a wife and a mother the thought of my husband leaving me for another woman makes my skin crawl. But even worse is "her" helping to raise my children. I wonder if this type of situation could change me into the wicked BIOMOM that we all hate! But I also have a friend in the exact same situation that you are talking about. He was married and she was his mistress for 5 years before he finally left the wife to be with her. They even had a daughter together in the meantime that the wife was helping to raise on his weekend visits. What a mess! Well to make a long story short, I love my friend, she is a great mom and person. She made some bad choices which we all do. But she truly loves this man with all her heart. And they seemed very happy together... until last week my husband confided in me that while he was having a few beers with the guy in our backyard, the guy told him about a high school sweet heart he has started seeing again... but not to tell anyone. Well the guy is my husband cousin and the girl has become on of my best friends. I want to tell. Any idea what I should do?????? But back to my point. BUBBLES... these type of men don't change! ANd more than likley he will do it to you too! Just my opinion.....

That's an interesting question. My husband and I started our relationship when he was in a middle of a divorce. I'm sure ex wife was even more pissed off when she found out he was w/me. I know she hates my guts even though we say HI to each other when we see each other. I never even thought about if there was a difference in the treatment I get from ex wife and also my inlaws....until I read your blog. I'm lucky to say that my inlaws are great towards me. If anything they might have judged my husband and not me in the past. But I say no matter what, bad treatment you get from ex is expected no matter what the reason of the separation was.

-happy mom

My mom was with a man I basically considered my dad from the time I was 6 to 23.. And even though I was an adult I was very angry with the new woman.. I was very civil to her even though I blamed it totally on her. But after about a year. I relized #1 if I want him to be a part of my life still I have to accept the fact, #2 it was not her fault totally, my mom and him did not have a great relationship and he says that she got really weird after I moved out at 18. There are 4 kids and I am the baby. I seen things after the fact, like my mom was not always very nice to him, I mean he would no sooner walk thru the door and she was going off about something.
His now wife (mistress) I blame her in the fact that if she liked him great, she could have waited to see him till after there separation. I must also comment my mom and him never married..
Today I still see him and his wife and I am ok with things. Both parties involved are very happy now.
Although I was not happy with the situation it really was not about me.. As SK get older they will realize that when parents separate yes at the time the kids are hurting. but later on they should realize that life is to short.. Life is about being happy and learning from your mistakes.. We all make mistakes. I can relate to a childs point of view on this subject not a ex-wifes.. But looking at the big picture, if you are married and your husband gets a mistress then something is wrong at home.. The perfect marriage is fake. I am married for the 2nd time and neither one of us were still married.. It takes two people to end a marriage.. And two people to make a marriage. I love my husband very much, and know that if I keep him happy at home in all aspects why would he stray away. He would have no reason too.
I have heard other men talk about what sucks in there marriage,,, and its always a lack of interest in the bedroom. Lets face it no matter what anyone says if the bedroom is HOT your relationship will be HOT..
So my point is that for all the kids who are involved whether it happened in an affair or not the bio parents need to make it as civil as possible for the kids. They are who is most important.. The parent who got hurt needs to pick there life back up and move on.. Keep on living. Let go of the past and move on..
We go back too "LIFE IS TO SHORT"...

I agree with you.
I did not mean for that to come across that way. I was just stating a fact of most men go looking for that because they are not happy with there situation in that department.. I am not saying all, I am saying most.
Please do not take offense to my comment...
Commitment is huge and it takes all aspects of commitment.. Unconditional love.. I agree..
I hope I did not offend anyone..

I've always felt that if a relationship ends between BF and BM, then sad as it may be, it should be accepted on some level. If there's an affair involved, either during, after or before, it does add some dynamic. But I think ultimately it's not the issues of the affair that plays the BIGGEST problem, it's what happens between the adults involved afterwards. If a woman can be mature about things, then even if she was adulterous, I could look past that. Now, when she's NOT mature about things....well, that's a different story!

Take care!

Thanks for clarifying that. I remember that comment well. It did kind of grate me at the time, especially when I signed on here it was a very vulnerable time for me. There actually have been a few references made to my living arrangement on here but that doesn't really bother me. Each person has to be happy where there are at in life...whatever works for them. But thanks for clarifying....I appreciate you taking the time to do that.