If she hates your home so much, why can’t she move in with “biodad the magnificent”? Is her mother up for allowing her to see just how green the grass is on the other side? If the two of you can sit down and come up with a untied front strategy, then you can say to SD…these are the rules of this house and you don’t have to like them…if you think you can live within them…GREAT…you are welcome to stay and we would love to have you…if you don’t think you are capable of being respectful of this household and ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT…you are welcome to go live with your dad and we will help you pack!

Make a GREAT Day!

If you are just starting out expect things to be difficult in the beginning. When my fiance and I were first together it seems like all we did was fight about sd. I agree with Nise that you need to talk to your girl and come at problems with sd as a united front. The reason your girlfriend is seeing you as the "bad guy" is because she is being protective of her daughter.

The only thing that worked for my fiance and I was concentrating on our relationship for a long while and simply ignoring the problems that sd created. If you can improve and build your relationship with your girlfriend first, then she will be more likely to see things from your point of view when it comes to your sd. I know it isn't easy to simply ignore all these issues your sd is creating but you and your girlfriend need to have time for intimacy and just loving each other before you come at her about her daughter. Dealing with teenagers isn't easy even if you are the biological parent. If your gf sees how important she is to you and feels secure in your relationship then over time she will end up listening to you when it comes to your feelings about her daughter.

This is what worked for me and my fiance. It will help if you simply distance yourself from sd and all the problems she is creating. For right now just let her parent her daughter herself and you concentrate on your relationship. Bring her flowers for no reason, call her just to tell her you love her, show her how much you love her and the rest will fall into place.

That's what this place is for...vent away! It really does feel better just to get things off your chest. Also, I have to tell you it is great to have a man's perspective on things. (and it doesn't hurt your relationship to hear things from a woman's perspective either!) I just wanted to say welcome! and ((((hugs)))) We all know this isn't an easy road to walk along!

First I want to say that I think it awesome to be talking to someone in Spain. I also work with a guy who is English in my office and love the accent.

I am really sorry that you feel so bad and are having such a hard time with the SD. I really do not understand why so many people have kids that are so disrespectful toward adults. Why is it that they are allowed to treat someone in their own home this way, but are taught (hopefully) to treat anyone else outside the home better. They should be taught to treat any adult with respect even if it is a step-parent.
It is like having a babysitter come to your home and not expect your children to listen or behave. We would expect our kids to be on their best behavior, right? Why should they not be told to do the same with
the step-parent?

How long have you and your wife been married and in a relationship? Maybe the SD needs a little more time to trust you. If she tells you that you do not understand and you do not have tolerance, ask her what you can do to better understand. You have to initiate a relationship/friendship with her, sounds to me like she is crying out for one. I do not believe that she would say any of that stuff if she was not looking for a solution.

If she worships her dad, odds are she may want her parents back together and misses the family life with them. It truly is devastating to kids to have their parents apart, when they love them both. She needs to hear you say that you are there for the long hall and that you are NOT going anywhere, that you care about her and her Mother, and that you are willing to step up and have a relationship with her too.

Do you ever compliment her, she sounds to me like a child who feels neglected and wanting attention. I could be wrong, so tell me more about her……

Mel
(nice to have you online with us)

Hi Goz... Wow, sounds 101% like my family. I too have a daughter - 14, she is a good kid but wont accept my husband... I also am guilty of backing her when I shouldnt. Cant help it..Ummm, this could turn out to be a VERY long blog lol.. So, instead of telling you about us, I will tell you what I think you should do, which is what I WISH my husband had done when it all started 5 years ago, when my daughter was still young enough to accept this man into her/our life. In retrospect and after soooo many headlocks, he has finally admitted that yes, he should have 'perhaps' gone about things differently and he is going to try now (so is my daughter). You can still do it....

1) Dont back off, worst thing you can do, you will upset mum and therefore create resentment. She is with you not only because she cares for you but also because she saw you as a man who can help her raise her daughter and if you back off, she will too.

2) BE A FRIEND! Try this, sometimes when mum gets angry with her for something trivial, back SD, even if you feel mum is correct (let mum know after why you did this after). SD will feel that she is not alone against the 2 of you and will warm to you.

3). Try NOT to discipline her, be a friend before you try to step in as the father figure. She needs a friend in you, she already has a dad, all be he a dead beat one (yes, we have one of those too). She is defending him because at the end of the day he is HER dad… She doesn’t want to accept you so she is maintaining that he is the best dad out of need…..try to understand this.

4) SPEND 1 ON 1 time WITH HER!!!! Get out of the house with her, tell her you want to take her out, take her to a mall, tell her that you are going to buy her a new outfit! I know you may not even want to as she is rude to you etc, but you found this site, which shows me that you are looking for solutions. You need to spend time away from mum in order for it to be just the 2 of you communicating. I always say that this (my) relationship feels like a triangle; me, my husband and my daughter, with one of the links never connecting, work on this, make the connection! As long as mum is around, she will never relate to you, all questions, comments etc will always be directed at mum, never you (am I right?). Even if she doesn’t want to go places with you when you ask, she flat out says no, FIND A WAY… you need to talk to each other and as long as mum is in the room, house, neighbourhood, this will NEVER happen!

I know this is not easy, my husband too is a diamond, he would bring my daughter the stars if she would only make him feel like he belongs in her life but she won't so he too has backed off... Its hard for a mother to watch the 2 people she cares most for drifting and not being able to do anything about it. She will rarely if never, have your back when it comes to who she is going to defend, you or her daughter... sorry, I know its hard for a man to understand as you see things so very differently, we are a different species lol... irrational but our babies are our babies... and by attacking them, we turn into she tigers, nothing but nothing can stop that. I wish you all the luck, I know you feel that she has to try too, especially as she is 17 but.. she is still young, we are the adults, remember that.... BTW, what language does mum and daughter communicate in? I am assuming Spanish and that you too speak the language.. Oh, if only you knew how similar our situations are... Bon Chance!