Need advice on telling SD about unknown Bio Father
This is sort of complicated, so bear with me. My BF's ex-wife was unfaithful during their marriage and became pregnant with another man's child. My BF did not discover this was not his biological child until two years after the child was born. Because of this and other issues a divorce shortly followed. My BF has continued to accept the daughter as his own. Recently the bio father has tracked down my BF's ex-wife and has expressed interest in meeting/contacting the daughter (who is now 6). From what we know, the bio father could ask/demand parental rights, if he chooses to.
I have done some digging around on the internet and the general opinion seems to be children need to be told in terms they can understand and need to be told as early as possible. It appears the later you wait in their life, the more traumatic it can be vs. telling them when they are young, they seem to be more accepting.
I was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar or has any advice on how this should be handled.
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No..
I think that your BF sounds pretty amazing.. Because by no means did he have to stay in this little girls life and be her father.. So he is a big man..
But in all honesty, I think that maybe if this is at all possible the mother should tell her maybe with you and your BF there to be support for this little girl. Her world is about ready to come crashing down and I agree she is still young do it now before she finds out later and turns to drugs and alchol because that is the only way she feels she can deal with the pain of finding this out.
Face it none of us like the rug yanked from beneath our feet and that is how this little girl is going to feel. So I wish you all the luck in the world to get thru this.. Not to mention I cannot imagine what your BF is feeling I mean he probably knew that there could be a possibility but as far as his feelings oh my gosh..
The question for the bio father is why now.. Why not when she is older. I am not saying that this little girl should not be told that your BF is not her bio dad but why now does this man want to be a part of her life.. He should have thought about that like umm I don't know 6 years ago when he messed around with a (married) woman.. He obviously was only thinking with one head..
Sorry I am bashing.. But I think in this situation that the little girl should be told the truth that there is another man out there who made her but I think that he should be putting her first, which is not to devastate all this little girl has ever known.. Does that make sense.. My bio dad walked when I was 5 or 6 and I think had he tried to come in contact with me thru the years I would have been really messed up worse then I was. I contacted him when I was ready. On my terms and all that. And I think that was better.. I am sorry for all the pain and hurt you are all getiing ready to endure but mostly that little girl who is just going to be devastated..
Best wishes.. on getting thru it all..
This is such a difficult
This is such a difficult situation, and I do have a couple of questions for you..
1. Does bm want this person to be introduced to daughter?
2. Does your bf want this person to be introduced to daughter?
3. Where did you get your information in regards to biodad's rights?
Every state is different, but the way I understand family law, biodad won't have rights so easily. In my state, and hopefully yours is similar, biodad would have an enormous uphill battle to just walk in like that. Your bf was married to mom, and was there while daughter was born, under the idea that this was his biochild. I pressume that your bf's name is on the birth certificate, and he signed it. In my state, your bf would be the legal father, and biodad wouldn't just be able to walk in against parent's wishes like that, unless the biodad was Native American (that opens up other doors).
I agree that daughter should know her circumstances, but I don't necessarily agree that biodad should have a relationship with her. I feel this is really going to confuse her, and this situation really breaks my heart.
My dh had a child right before his 18th birthday, and due to he and mom not getting along, she refused to allow my dh have anything to do with his daughter when they broke up. My dh ended up placing his daughter up for adoption, and has opted to not make contact with her until she wants him to. This town is so small, we even see the mother occassionally, however, we feel that she has a father to raise her, and we just don't want to confuse her whatsoever. She does know about her biodad, and knows that she has been adopted, but no relationship has transpired. She is 17.
I personally have mixed feelings about the biodad just wanting to walk in like that, I understand that he may not have known about his biochild until now, and would have done things differently had he known earlier. However, I just feel like this is going to make things really difficult for this little girl, and what ever decisions are to be made, they need to be made for what is in her best interests, not what the adults "want".
I would first talk to attorney and family counselor and get professional guidance...this is a very difficult situation, and I'm sorry for you, bf, and little girl.
I'll attempt to answer your questions...
Some of the information neither my BF or I have. The way my BF found out about the biofather was the biofather sent the daughter a birthday card for her second birthday, with a large savings bond for a present. He also found out the biodad had been calling the home regularly. Shortly after he found out about the affair (which turned out to be one of many) the Ex left to be with yet another man she was having an affair with, whom she married following my BF and her divorce.
From what we understand the biofather had maintained some contact with the Ex, who by this time was on to someone else and so had no interest in taking a relationship with him any further (of course it's all only about her and what she wants). It should be noted the biofather is in another state quite far away. The Ex then basically disappeared from the scene. Her name was changed to her new married name, different address, etc. We know the biofather made some sporadic attempts to locate the Ex with no success.
Just recently the biofather finally located the Ex and has made contact with her asking questions about the daughter, school, wanting a school picture, etc.
The biomom I'm sure would rather have all of this go away. Not because of how it's going to affect her daughter, but for her own selfish reasons. She does not accept responsibility for this mess she has created and the lives she has and continues to turn upside down. She is one of those people that thinks the world revolves around them. I would almost bet she has not revealed this part of her past to her current husband and he is not a forgiving person, so the $#%* would hit the fan.
My poor BF IS a wonderful, loving man and his only concern is about his daughter and wanting whatever is best for her. We have gleaned very little about what the legal ramifications are and what rights, if any, the biodad would have. So far, this is just in the beginning stages and we don't even know for sure the biodad wants any parental rights, but if he has made this much of an effort to track down the Ex, then he must want something??
The little I have read on the internet indicated if the biodad did not give up his parental rights, and my BF didn't legally adopt the daughter, then the biodad would have the ability to request a paternity test if he chose and could seek some parental rights. If things continue to move forward I believe we would seek legal counsel to find out exactly where we stand.
Thanks for the advice and the sympathy. My BF, SD and I will get through this, and we will be here for the SD as her rock, because she definitely doesn't get that from her mom.
Any other comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated...
It sounds to me like the
It sounds to me like the biodad has really gotten a short end of the stick along with your SD and your husband! It is SOOOOO SAD that these women just get to destroy peoples lives like this…I think the little girl deserves to know her biodad and he deserves to know his daughter! She is a VERY LUCKY girl because she has TWO men in her life who care about her…your husband FOR SURE and it appears that her biodad also is concerned about her…like you said, he has been tracking her down…if he was a complete looser, he could have stayed “hidden” from the onset…as far as rights are concerned…it is sad that biodad was marginalized but that may be a price that he has to pay for messing with a married woman…as Candice said, they were married and in the eyes of most courts, your husband is her father…biodad can demand a paternity test but if he is the kind of stand up guy that he has shown himself to be thus far, he will accept that fact that while he may be the biological father, she already has a DAD and as long as you and her Dad are taking good care of her, back off on the “legal” part and just work to “be a part” of getting to know her, and being and additional support system for her throughout life…no one can have too many of those! I also agree that the three of you should be there when she is told…keep us posted…
Make a GREAT Day!
the internet can provide false info..
don't get too wound up on what you find on the internet...you can get a lot of bad info real easy.
I think you are right in feeling like he has made this much effort to keep tracking down the ex, then he must want something, however, since he is so far away, a routine relationship might not be what he is looking for.
As far as his legal rights...don't start losing sleep. Again, check with an attorney, but from my understanding your bf is her legal father. He can not adopt a child that was born unto him, she is already his child, and you can't adopt your own children. Your bf was then married to a woman, who he thought was giving birth to his biochild, and he probably signed the birth certificate, that is a routine thing for parents.
You won't have control over what bm does on her time with her daughter, but if you guys put up a stink, he might just back down. You never know.
Also, biodad does sound like a very caring individual, and he probably doesn't know about what her father is like...he did get robbed as well, however, your sd has a father. I'm the type of person that really likes to shelter children...I'm sad for the biodad, but I just hope any decisions made are for her best interest..
I would love it if you kept us posted. Let me know if I am wrong about his rights..
Bests,
Candice
Dee....
Tell the child the real truth about the real father. My own family went through the same experience. My mother was married 2x, her 1st marriage she had 7 kids and when she met my father they had another 3. When my mother was pregnant w/the 7th child, she met my father and when the child was born they told her that her father was my dad. At the age of 32, one of our aunty told my sister the real truth..that her father was not who she thought it was and that she had a diff. father. My sister was depressed for months and upset with my parents for not telling her the truth early on. Us sisters and brother had no clue and we too was shocked and a bit bothered by the whole thing. So no matter what tell this child early on.
-happy mom