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Any Grandparents out there?

Oh Canada's picture

Submitted by Oh Canada on Thu, 01/04/2007 - 8:33am

I've decided to do some worring about future events!

My BF and I plan to marry and not have any children of our own. He has 4 already and 3 of them are young adults. I am wondering what it's going to be like when his kids start having babies of their own. I don't have a lot of interest in having children but worry that I will feel the sting of jealousy (or maybe I won't be jealous - but happy!).

I wonder if interacting with these babies/kids will forfill any of my own biological needs for motherhood. Since I don't have a great need to have a baby of my own, I think the "grandparent" amount of child-time would be just right.

BUT, what I don't know is just how much is this going to bring BF and his ex back together as a family? Has anyone ever went through this? Is there anyone out there who decided not to have children with their own with new husband and remain childless (other than having step kids)?

Comments

Marie92's picture

Submitted by Marie92 on Thu, 01/04/2007 - 1:00pm

I understand...sorta. This is my second marriage. I have four sons, and my husband has a daugher and a son. Before I got involved with my husband, I had no desire to have anymore children and had a tubal ligation done when my last son was born. I do get jealous when I see him interact with his kids, especially his daughter. Sick, I know. But to answer a question, physically, I did choose not have any children in the future, with my ex or my current husband. I am seriously wishing for the idea of sharing a child and the entire experience with my husband. Let me know if you have any advice for me, too!!

stamina's picture

Submitted by stamina on Thu, 01/04/2007 - 8:45pm

My husband and I chose not to have kids together but we both have our own kids. After a few years together, we have two grandchildren. The situation with grandchildren is very neat. Kids don't know the dynamics of the situation...if you care about them, they care back. Their is no history or baggage...the innocence of kids is really awesome! However, I do find it hard sometimes watching him interact with his daughter's child with great enthusiasm. The grandchild situation did not bring him into any closer emotional tie with his ex. Grand parenting is a great role...step or bio!

Caitlin's picture

Submitted by Caitlin on Thu, 01/04/2007 - 1:13pm

I can't speak for myself here, but my mom married my stepdad when she was in her late 40's and always lamented the fact that they weren't able to have children together (she had had her tubes tied after my sister was born, but it was kind of too late anyway.)

But now she is just thrilled to be able to experience grandparenthood with him - 3 "his", 1 (plus 1 on the way) "hers", and 1 "step-hers" (SD) - but there's literally none of that "his and hers" nonsense. They are Grammy and Pop Pop to all 5-going-on-6 of them! My mom now feels totally fulfilled and no longer regrets not having kids with my stepdad.

The grandchildren haven't brought either of them any closer to their exes, because everything just remains separate. We have family time with that side and family time with my dad's side (on a lesser level because they live far away) and as far as my step-brother is concerned, his mom continues to keep her distance from his dad, grandkids or no grandkids.

Just my experience!

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Thu, 01/04/2007 - 4:52pm

The best part of grandkids vs. kids is that you get to love them, spoil them, be a hero to them... then send them home to their parents when you're done! But if sharing children couldn't keep them together, having grandchildren certainly won't reunite them. I wouldn't worry about that. If you are secure in your decision to not have children with your husband, then by all means relish your future grandchildren with him. You'll get to experience all the best parts - rocking them to sleep, buying them stuff, holding and loving them - without having to walk around 24 hours a day smelling like vomit or pulling your hair out over temper tantrums. It can be the best of both worlds!

~ Anne ~

Enuffsenuff's picture

Submitted by Enuffsenuff on Thu, 01/04/2007 - 8:07pm

from the age of two had two children from his first marriage that he never got to see. So in some way that is like the situaion you are talking about. I will tell you my children are closer to Paw-Paw(SD) then they are to my Biodad. My mom and SD love the grandkids and no it didn't bring my mom and Biodad any closer as a family.

Oh Canada's picture

Submitted by Oh Canada on Fri, 01/05/2007 - 6:45am

Like you were saying, Anne, I think when the grandkids come it will be the best of both worlds for me. But at the same time I just know I will be resentful (too harsh of a term??) of all the attention his daughter will get. LOL my lip curls already when he dotes on our pregnat friend at getogethers! But really, it's cute to see him like that - I just wish it was me getting the attention. That's really probably my real problem - wanting attention -. What a beast I am! lol
Well, knowing is half the battle, huh?!

I'm not sure how women can be so totally and completly sure they just never, ever want kids! I've read books, websites, talked to all kinds of people and they say "you better be sure!!" How the hell can I be sure of a thing like that? I think it's near impossible not to feel regret for not having a child with the man you love! Reality is 1. he's fixed (before we met) 2. he doesn't want any more kids! And I am talking head-strong, no way, uh-uhhh! That sucks for me because I don't like having things decided for me! Especially when he already has 4 lovely's to brag about and all that.
*pout*
But, I look at it like this: I love my relationship with my man. He is a wonderful person, with a big heart full of love!!! Easy on the eyes, fun, clever, my best friend! It's a huge compromise on my part, but I think my life is quite "grand" with this man. I wouldn't want to throw all this away in hopes to meet another wonderful guy and hope he doesn't have kids & ex and STILL wants more kids! Gads, what a gamble (and I'M from Las Vegas!!)
I guess I am romantising (sorry for the spelling!) the whole picture-esque child/mother thing.
Ehhh, I don't really know! I guess it's best to just take things one step at a time, live each day, be happy with what we've got!! Make one another happy and be in LOVE!!!

Thanks for your thoughts & comments!
: )

~Cherri

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Fri, 01/05/2007 - 7:26am

who adopted a 2 yo when she was in her late 40s, so even if being a birth mom isn't in the cards for you right now, don't think you wouldn't have some options if you changed your mind or found yourself in different circumstances later on. That is a tough decision, but erring on the side of caution is probably the way to go... you can always decide to bring a child into your life by some means later on, but you can never unbirth a child! (Believe me, I tried with my demon 3 yo daughter and she just wouldn't go back in!) My husband had three when we got married and I had one, then we had one together. I would've loved to have had two or three kids with him and we probably would have, if we'd gotten together before we'd had children with other people. But I would still have married him even if we never could have a child together, so I can totally understand your thinking on this. You guys will get to do all sorts of cool things with the grandkids, maybe even babysit for overnights on occasion... you can have some of the good experiences that come with having a child together, but avoid all the aggravation!

~ Anne ~