Is this normal/appropriate?
My DH and I have been married for just over a year and I find some of his behaviour a little odd when it comes to how he raises his kids. We have 2 - SD14 and SS9 - I have no children of my own. When we first started living together, before we were married, we slept in separate bedrooms, he in with son and me in his bed. Prior to me moving in with them SS slept in dad's bed. We have had trouble getting SS to stay in his own bed even 1 year after marriage. SS is obsessed with sleeping with us particularly with his dad and shows some effeminate behaviour which I attribute to this as DH never encouraged SS to try to be a big boy and in many ways smothers him. But the most disturbing behaviour for me is how my DH behaves with SD. He frequently in the past slapped her or pinched her on the butt. He lies in bed with her when tucking her in to chat and say prayers and if ever any issue arises he always thinks how will it affect SD. I found this behaviour a little uncomfortable and after talking to him about it he seemed to try to be better but lately he's reverted back to his old ways. Last week he bought me a birthday gift and when he told me what it was he said he was going to get me "the pink one but didn't as he thought SD would be suicidal" (pink's her favorite color and mine for this particular item so he got me white) when he told me this I got quite annoyed because 1) it was my birthday gift from him and 2) he thought of SD 1st before me at a time when it's my frickin' birthday.
So this morning I get up early to go work out, I'm in the bathroom and when I come out SD is lying under the covers with dad, he only wears underwear to bed and you know how men can be when they first wake up. I really didn't know what to make of it so I just left. When he came downstairs he said she had literally just got in when I came out of the bathroom but I actually watched for a minute before approaching him. Now I honestly don't think there's anything to worry about but I can't seem to make him see it's inappropriate. I certainly never would have done any of that with my dad so I guess that's all I have to compare it to which is why I'm asking all you wonderful people to honestly tell me if this is normal or not?
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NOT!!!!!
I knew of a father who 's daughter got taken away from him by social services for doing the same thing. It is illegal, not to mention unhealthy, especially considering SD age. Also, just my opinion, but when it comes to buying you things , SD should not have an influence over it.
Thanks Meshel
I appreciate your comments, I too think it's very unhealthy. My DH has filled the role of mother and father to these 2 children for so long I think he is just at a point where he can no longer see what is appropriate and what is not. I think he still views them both as very young children but part of being a responsible parent is developing these kids into young adults and shaping them for the future not sheltering them and smothering them and trying to keep them 5 yr olds forever.
Definate No No
I am sure there is nothing inappropriate occuring but as your SD is now turning into a woman this IS inappropriate behaviour for 'dad'.
I certainly appears that your partner is also neglecting your needs and not listening to your concerns regarding this behaviour. If you feel uncomfortable about the situation then i would say trust your instincts. The fact that he also lied about how long SD had been in the bed also needs addressing. I wouldn't let this matter go hon! Good luck. x x
No it's not appropriate and
No it's not appropriate and if anyone finds out about it he is going to have CPS knocking on his door. And he's not going to like the way that feels and the way it's going to made his daughter feel either!
He needs to stop. I do not believe he thinks this is okay!! What a strange thing to do. Sick.
Wow
Maybe I made it sound worse than it is, this is not a regular occurrence and I sure as heck don't believe anything incestuous is going on. He no longer gets in bed with SD when tucking her in and when he did it was fully clothed. She climbed in with him this morning telling me that she just wanted to say good morning. The comments about him being "sick" kinda shook me as that's not how I view him - just a stupid ass dad who never thinks. I honestly believe he thinks SD is still 8 or 9 although I still think it would be inappropriate then too. Above covers is ok I think so long as it's not encourgaed often. Anyway, thanks for all your comments, we haven't spoken all day today and we have a big triple birthday celebration tomorrow so that'll be a fun day. I'm thinking of not going. I'm tired of his s***. If it's not one thing it's another. I'm starting to think my first husband wasn't so bad after all.
Sounds a little like...
emotional incest. While it may not have any physical indications going on, it is on an emotional level. I would be a little concerned about the attachments, and I would actually try to seek a therapist to help you.
Thanks girls
I re-read my post and I get what you're both saying - I do. It is bad and whether it happens once or regularly, wrong is wrong is wrong. I guess for me I am 100% sure there is no physical issues to worry about but the whole emotional side is a different issue. And as for the tucking in thing - well I'm right there with your son Bio - I didn't want my parents to tuck me in probably from a much earlier age but SD always whines if he doesn't. Some things I am at a loss as to why they are what they are, to me they're just out and out obvious no no's but my husband is such a dumb ass which I find odd given his high ranked managerial position. I have nothing to say to him right now other than give me a divorce and let me return to sanity and normality so today I didn't go to the triple birthday bash. I thought "screw it" I don't need it today, I'm tired, I need a break from all of you so that's what I'm doing. My girlfriend and I are gonna catch a movie and chill and I don't feel remotely upset about it. I know I need to address this with him one way or another but for right now - i'm parking it. Ahhhhh, peace, no stress, tranquility, bliss. Sssssshhhh, don't jinx it.