What pisses me off! And do you agree or disagree?
When we make it a point to respect the children's mother no-matter what. (I do not care for her one bit and have said my fair share about her to my H, family and friends but never in front of, or to the kids) I do not even allow my H's parents to trash BM (which they love to do, and sometimes do in front of the kids) I say how inappropriate it is everytime. I am well aware she is their Mother and even though I do not agree with her on a lot of issues, I have a healthy boundary in understanding this concept. With that said...
I would never cut the children's hair, get married to the children's father three weeks before their Mother's wedding, do a big Bio-parent/child project, take the child to engage in a sport without talking to the children's Mother first. But BM has no problem with her new husband (whom just turned 27, she is 39) doing any of these things.
Yes, they got married 3 weeks before us (I am still resentful b/c the children had enough change and they had no problem in throwing another marriage, a new house, new rules into the mix for these children to go through.) Her new H, has bonded with the youngest(9). (which is great but they are not establishing any boundaries) He cuts his hair, wants to do boy-scouts with him, wants to do big (science-fair) projects with him, he took all of the kids treat-or-treating (and she did not even go)and was trying to do some "stepfatherblogging" about him (which we tried to put a stop too even though he still does it sometimes.)
My H and I are very involved in the children's lives and go to all events surrounding the kids. We talk to them at least everyother day and try to see them more than the court established ruling over 4 years ago. But we only get them every other weekend and once during the week. Even though he does not say it, I think it does hurt my H. ( at least alittle) He is very loving and present, with the kids so he does say that they do know who their father is. But it is so difficult when you have this woman who is helping push her new H and son together without little or any regard for his father. ( Yes, it is good for step-parents to bond with the children.) But the children need to know that they need to do certain things with the bio-parents.
Do you agree or disagree?
The reason I ask is b/c we had a talk with the kids last night about this...the youngest has a big project coming up and wants to do it with new S-dad. Yes, I think it is great that he see's him as this cool friend that he wants to do things with him but he does need to do the project with dad. What do you think??
By the way- If I was to cut her daughter's hair or try to get her daughter into cheerleading or be with her when she has her menstrual and show her the how too's on that- BM would be nothing but furious. And quickly let me know.
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Comments
It doesn't have to be a competition
First, I commend you for not only not bashing BM around the skids, but not allowing others to do it either. That is so very important as we all know.
After reading the first paragraph of your post, I expected to hear about some kind of awful parental alienation from BM, but what I'm actually observing is more along the lines of a sort of competition for the skids' affection. (ie. who can be the best parent/stepparent?) I think you're fiercely protective of your DH's feelings (as we all are, and should be!) and you are afraid of his feelings getting hurt because the skids like their new SF. Maybe you feel he is crossing boundaries by cutting SS's hair or doing the project with him, because you would never step on BM's toes like that, but perhaps it's just because they live the majority of their time with BM/SF and these things are just sort of coming naturally due to the day-to-day interaction.
Personally, I think it's lovely that the SF took them trick-or-treating, with or without BM. Why should she "need" to be there? It was a chance for them to bond on their own, which is important. Just remember that these kids will not forget their dad or you, just because they have a good relationship with the SF. I also thought it sounded odd that you didn't like that the SF was blogging about SS, because isn't that what you're doing right now? (I hope I'm not upsetting you! It certainly isn't my intent. I just want to help you get some perspective.)
Please don't think I'm attacking you in any way. I sincerely want to help you get through this. Just try to remember that these kids deserve a healthy relationship with all FOUR of their parents. And a good relationship with one doesn't mean a bad relationship with another. Just like if the kids love you, it doesn't mean they love their BM any less. The same goes for dad and SF.
As for the whole getting married 3 weeks before you? Again, the competition. Sure, maybe you guys planned your wedding before them and then they came along and "one-upped" you. But try not to feel resentful. Do they not deserve happiness too? Maybe it wasn't about you and your wedding at all. As for the skids, it sounds like they are adjusting beautifully to both remarriages. They are so lucky to have 2 sets of parents who love them dearly and are involved in their lives. Try to focus on that because resentment will serve no purpose, it'll just eat you up inside.
I hope this help!
I hope what I have to say is
I hope what I have to say is of some help to you.
I am a product of divorced parents. Both of my parents remarried twice after they split up with eachother. I lived with both households at different points in my life.
With the background out I can now say that I absolutely without a doubt at 10 yrs old LOVED my SM! She was the most wonderful thing that came into our lives after the divorce.I stil 30yrs later cherish the memories of her(She was dads 2nd and didn't last)
I would have lived with her, called her mom and took her as my mom at any chance given.
BUT.....I loved my BM to no end and always knew that she was and is my BM. No one could ever replace what she means to me. While the SM was very close she was not her.
My BM never spoke ill of my dad or his current relationships. But he spoke porly of my mom every chance he had. Me and my bros grew up knowing that mom was the better person and felt so good to be able to be ourselves and say and feel what we wanted about who we wanted to her without being afraid of who would get hurt.
Dad on the other hand caused us to feel censored. We could show no joy for our mom or stepdad or he would "flip out"
Now as adults we are all very close to mom and say hi to dad on holidays.
I give you a lot of credit for keeping the adult issues and opinions as far as BM out of earshot to the kids and I urge you to let this phase of "fascination with SD pass the way the child needs to get through it. While you may actively try to hide what you feel from the kids they do sense it. It would be a shame if they couldn't feel comfortable with you and BD because of fear of hurting feelings.
In the meantime if you or BD feel the desire to keep a special place in their heartsw(which you already have) Try to concentrate on having special times with them rather than concentrating on what the SD is "taking away"
In the long run the kids and even the adults benefit. But you will hopefully feel better about what's going on.
Take care, Good luck and God Bless,
Lisa Dawn
Caitlin
Thank you for your response. It is greatly appreciated.
Just to clarify some things-
I was raised in a blended family and it was very difficult. So I am well aware of all sides and how they feel in this area. Then given the fact that we went to therapy growing up and thus- led me to then do therapy with children and families. As to the children's mother being happy- Does she deserve that? Hell, yes.... Is it a competition? No... Is this a competition for the kid's affection?... No - now that would be silly- b/c kids change there minds so much.
It is difficult for one of your parents to get remarried, new furniture, new rules, new person (even though I have been consist in the children's lives for a year)- the list can go on. But then to put children through that twice at one time- That is what I have a problem with. Is the fact that that one minute they barely know this guy and then the next minute- she marries him. Was it the best time- no, not for the kids. Does she deserve the best? Of course.
In regards to Halloween- She was sick that day, I ran the kids around after school-(even though it was not our day)My H asked her if she was not feeling well if we could have them to take them trick-or-treating- She said no- (even though they have "the first right of refusal" in the papers) So a guy that has been in their life for six months- gets to take the children t-or-t instead of their father?
If the shoe was on the other foot, and H was sick and was not going- if their M wanted to take them t-or-t would we say no- that I was going to take them? NO- They need to go with their M. Would I love to take them? YES- But I have more than enough time to bond and be with the children when they are at our house.
As far as blogging is concerned- I vent about my situation with the kids if I am very frustrated. Maybe once a month- It makes me feel better. However-I do not talk about their personal interests on a daily basis, or put pictures of them up for everyone to see- or talked about their problems and thoughts about their teachers or friends for our community to see or made our address available to let peopple know where the kids are living. This is what BM does and what new step-dad was trying to do.
In the end we are really all just trying to do the best we can. I know that- I get that! I am sure that they mean no harm but they are harming the children by not making their father as important... when we have them or when we do not have them. There is just a respect that should be given to F and M (as long as there is no abuse, of course)
Wifi
Wifi, I don't have a solution
but I understand completely what you are saying. It's just hard, plain and simple. I know that my husband would like to do some of the things that Bm has her ex boyfriend doing with my ss because she lives with him and counts on him to do things with ss when she can't. My husband says that we can't tell her that because then she wouldn't let me do any of the things that I do with and for ss, which would be really hard since my husband has primary custody and ss is here most of the time.
So, we just grit our teeth and have to deal with it. My ss is 11 now and can understand(maybe not like) that while dad would like to do something instead of bm's ex boyfriend, that's just how it has to be.
Like I said, it's hard and it stinks sometimes but that's just the situation.
Dawn
Wifi
I can hear and understand part of your frusteration.. Has your husband tried to contact BM to let her know how she is making him feel? First try that.. She may not even realize what she is doing? Why can't BD and SD work on the project with son together. Show him that they can get along. I understand your frusteration but at the same time I can see where Caitlyn got the impression of "Competition".
And remember no kid forgets who there parents are.. I have not seen my dad in over 26 years and I still remember him. SO we never forget. I think truth be told your husband is a little jealous and he has every right to feel that way, its human to get jealous. He is afraid that they will like him more or whatever. I think you get my point. And please do not think I am trying to pick on either of you.. I totally understand although I am not in this situation but looking thru the window I see things in what you are saying that would suggest what I said.
I would try to talk to BM first.. If that does not work talk to the SD he is a man and certainly may understand..
Happy
The novelty will wear off.
And if it doesn't wear off, then maybe he's the real deal... a good man just trying to be a good stepdad. If kids have to have a stepparent, then I would rather it be someone who treats them well, someone they can love, rather than someone they hate and who hates them. So I'd try to take comfort in the fact that there's another loving adult in their lives who watches out for them and seems to truly care about them and keep in mind that no one can ever truly replace a parent in the eyes of a child.
~ Anne ~
Anne
I must say, you have a good head on your shoulders. And seem to always give sound advice.
Wifi, It is a good thing this guy is concerned and caring. But I do feel your H, if he hasn't already, should talk with BM, new guy, and kids regarding his feelings of wanting to continue his bond. There must be a way to share events. Just breathe.