Oh happy day!
I am in great spirits this morning. I got up super early, had a lovely family breakfast with my fiance and our little one, drove down to meet my mom and drop my daughter off with her for an overnight visit so we can shower lots of individual attention on SD tonight when we pick her up for our weekend. Oh and I had a great conversation with my dad on the phone this morning. He told me he was proud of me - I think I can count on my right hand the number of times he's said that to me in my life. Usually he's just telling me everything I'm doing wrong. So, things are just nice today. Ah, life is good!
The icing on the cake was our family therapy appointment last night. All my fears about BM pulling the wool over the therapists' eyes were unfounded. They apologized for keeping me out of the previous appointments, but explained that they are taking things one step at a time. They said it's early yet, and they will be meeting family members in all sorts of different arrangements, even just me and SD alone to observe our relationship. They will continue to meet BM and BF in her home sometimes as they try to make progress in their communication and coparenting and I am ok with that decision. I trust that it is a necessary part of the process.
As for BM's breakdown when she heard that they were going to be involving me, the therapist who had brought it up in front of her groaned and lifted her foot to her face and said "oh I just wanted to shove my foot in my mouth and DIE! I had no idea we'd get THAT reaction!" The other therapist said "oh, I couldn't even LOOK at you after you said that!" So, they're aware she's nuts. When they called BM to inform her that they were still going to meet with me, she was furious and slammed the phone down on them. The therapists simply said that they will do everything they can over the next 9 months to help BM learn to accept me.
The therapists asked me what I did to BM to make her so adamently against me. "I exist" was my reply. "I don't have much one-on-one interaction with her, but SD has explained to me how jealous Mommy is of me, so I guess it's just that: jealousy." BM's behavior is so extreme and erratic that the therapists think she is borderline, not just bipolar. (StepMom, do you want to weigh in on this one?) I read up on borderline personality disorder on the National Institute of Mental Health website and WOW, does it ever sound like her. Here's the link if you're interested: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm
At some point during the session, one of the therapists was recounting a story of a Munchausen by proxy case where it took them a year, but they got the child out of the mother's custody and moved him in with the grandparents. When they followed up in later years, they found a thriving teenager who was leading a happy normal life with Grandma and Grandpa. She then turned to me and said, "if anything were to happen, what would you think about SD coming here to live?" I said I would welcome her with open arms.
We're on the right path. We will save SD. Everything is going to be ok.
- Caitlin's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
That's so great!!!!!!
It is so nice to hear a story that involves the truth Caitlyn. And I am glad to hear these therapists have a clue!! By the sounds of it you and your fiance just need to follow through on your end of things and sit back and what this bm self destruct over the coming months!
here's hoping we all have a happy day today!!
Caitlyn..
I am very glad it turned out this way rather then them caving to her childish behavior.. wow your BM takes the cake well you and Nymh.. I mean wow. Being a bio its so hard for me to believe that people can be so MEAN. Maybe there should be a movie made with the title being Mean Mom's instead of Mean Girls.. LOL.. Your mom's could be the stars.. LOL.. Its not funny I know, its very sad but in order to pull thru you need laughter.. Right?
Maybe it's not "meanness"
Maybe it's not "meanness", but rather a very serious mental illness making her behave in such a manner. I mean, there are some mean Mommies out there, but this one is so extreme that it must be a sickness, you know? That's why I asked Nymh if the BM she's dealing with is mentally ill because she is also off the deep end. To quote the NIMH website:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior.
This sounds like BM. Going into more detail:
BPD patients have a high rate of self injury -BM has broken, sprained and strained several body parts since I've met her, plus had several concussions. They experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety -does this sound familiar? They are highly sensitive to rejection and abandonment -which would explain why BM can't handle not seeing or talking to SD for 48 hours on our weekends. We've always wondered why BM can't just LET GO and allow her kid to just be with us on our time without trying to sabotage it at every opportunity. If she is indeed BPD, there's a good explanation, not just vindictiveness. It's just an intense fear of abandonment:
These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.
Did I ever tell you that SD told me once that every time she came to see us for the weekend, she made her Mommy promise not to kill herself while she's gone?! How horrifying is that? It's all making sense now though. I knew the woman was a whack job, I just didn't know how severe!
These things worry me...
I've actually given thought to this before, what SD is going through with her BM in your situation. Our BM can't go without SS for even a couple of hours before she is calling him to tell him she loves him and hear him say the same to her. While a lot of her constant calls to him when he's with us are interrogative, I'll admit that a big portion of them are actually her just telling him that she misses him and loves him. Now I can understand missing your child but why the need to call him 8-10 times in an eight hour time period to tell him that? She's also said things like "Return my son home to me and I'll be fine." With the dependent behavior that BM exhibits toward my SS I worry about what she would do if he was taken away from her. Would she hurt herself? Hurt her son? Try to hurt us? Kill herself? Kill us? Kill her son? These things really scare me. I wish that we could get a judge to order a little more investigation into this and get this woman some therapy. She seriously needs it!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Girl, I hear you
I really fear that if/when custody is taken away, that BM will kill herself. As much as I'd love to have her out of my life, I certainly don't want that to happen! It would destroy that little girl for life.
We just don't know what these woman are capable of. That is so scary. I hope that your SS's BM will get some therapy because no, it is not normal to NEED to talk to your child every hour like that. She definitely has attachment issues - it sounds to me like a mental illness must be behind it because it is just so extreme. Are you guys in the position to be able to take SS to therapy? I fear the effects her behavior is having on him. How old is he again? 8 or so? Poor kid. I'm so glad he has you and his dad!
Not right now
At the moment SS (who is 8.) is only with us for 8 hours every other Sunday, so therapy on our time isn't really an option. Though I'm sure you read in my most recent blog that BF is suing for more custody, so hopefully when we get SS every other weekend we can work out some Saturday sessions. What I'm shooting for, though, is for the court to order therapy for SS so that BM can't force him out of them when he starts disclosing things to his therapist that she doesn't want to hear or want other people to hear.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Court ordered therapy
You're right, court ordered therapy is the way to go, because BM will certainly want to rip him out of there the moment the therapist catches wind of what she's doing. Good luck with getting a proper custody order and reduced support too.
I am hopeful for you!
Not that I'm a psychiatrist...
...but in order to be diagnosed BPD, you have to have at least 5 of the following signs and symptoms:
* Intense fears of abandonment
* A pattern of unstable relationships
* Unstable self-image
* Impulsive and self-destructive behaviors
* Suicidal behavior or self-injury
* Wide mood swings
* Chronic feelings of emptiness
* Inappropriate anger
* Periods of paranoia and loss of contact with reality
BM has all 9 of them. (In my opinion. Again, I'm no doctor! I mean, who am I to say that she has chronic feelings of emptiness, but still.) If she is diagnosed with this disorder, I will have such a greater understanding of why she does what she does. God, I hope some intense psychotherapy can help her finally lead a normal life. And thus let US lead a normal life!
hmmm...
does anyone wonder why it is that our kids must go through therapy first? Would it not save everyone lots of time if we could just say "look judge she (bm) is just one crazy bitch" and request these mom's go to therapy first? Maybe then the courts would not be held up so much by these women. My dh actually had bm#2 see a therapist when she turned up at his door pregnant. (they were broke up at the time) She stopped the therapy of course when the shrink suggested she get some tests...he suspected bi polar, amoung other things. When I read your list I could tick off many when it comes to her. But as I said she is currently riding the happy plane, so I try to tolerate her whims..ie/ the continual contacts with ss during our visitation. Oddly enough when she lost yet another job last year (she goes through atleast one a year) and she was unemployed her hobby was self help books...I think that is when she got her ticket to this recent flight.
WHEW!!!!
Okay... finally, at the end... *huffing and puffing* 'I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... just be the little train...'
I think it's FABULOUS! I'm sooo relived. I mean you have no idea how relieved I am to hear that yes, you hit the jackpot and got some good decent therapist. If I could put a jumping smilie here, I would!
Borderline, bipolar, OCD... You NAME IT ALL! Yeah, she's a fried cookie, this one. I gathered this from the beginning of just getting to know your story, and of course the more you gave, the more I knew... yep, this one's a doozy.
I sooooooooo hope that they can stabilize the situation. I think though, one thing that is going to be hard is that BM really is going to need a separate therapist. I really think she needs some meds, so hopefully the therapists will be able to eventually get to a point where she is receptive to them, but I have a feeling that she's going to be extremely resistive to them, and feel that they 'are against' her. So, I think it might be best to remind yourself that when they- the therapists- do seem to 'side with her' that they are just using it as an avenue to gain her trust.
And I HEAR you. I've got TWO to deal with... so I know what you mean. I am just soooo grateful that BM1 has calmed down, she's now couping... which is weird for me I must say, and does make me nervous but I just remind myself of how much better it is now... My journey with her has finally gotten to a point of civil actions, but my journey with BM2 is just beginning, and I have a feeling that we're going to be running into the same thing very shortly here. But, she has other issues such as separation anxiety and an attachment disorder to her daughter.
Keep us posted... I'm with you all the way.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I've been waiting for you, StepMom!
I'm glad you made it!
The good news is, BM has been with the same psychiatrist for the past 6 or 7 years and when SD started therapy last year with her psychiatrist, the two of them often collaborated. BM even signed releases with the Family Based therapists for them to consult both psychiatrists (BM's and SD's) throughout this 9-month treatment, which is great news. Prior to this psychiatrist, BM bounced around 100 times because she'd drop them like hot coals the moment they disagreed with her. For some reason, she has stuck with this one, hallelujah! I guess she trusts him. I'm glad he'll be working with everyone to help her through this, but I do fear that she might drop him when the going gets tough. We'll see.
BM is medicated for her bipolar disorder but this, along with decades of psychotherapy, has been unsuccessful at getting her to function like a normal human being. Maybe because they're just now exploring the idea that she could be borderline, which needs treatment before she can finally get better? I'm really hopeful that if they can treat that properly, things might start looking up.
Well, good luck on your continuing journey with two difficult BMs. God bless you, I don't know how you handle it! One is ENOUGH!
I wonder...
If she's sticking to her current therapist, is he cute? LOL...
Yeah, she's got the classic symptoms for borderline, that's for sure. But so many of the personality disorders cross that it's sometimes very hard to diagnose.
I really feel that she needs hospitalization because if the out patient tx isn't working, then she needs a more intensive approach and with borderline, it can take years... as you already know... to get a break through with that approach. BPD is quite an intense illness. I certainly don't think it should be ruled out. It would actually explain quite a number of things.
P.S. I wanted to add more, but my cats are fighting.... nothing like having two screeching felines running at your feet, slashing paws at each other, showing fangs and hissing... oh wait, but we all have to deal with that don't we? LOL
The very sad thing about this is that with most cases, BPD prognosis expectations usually come up short since so many patients fail due to noncompliance with tx. It's very common, unfortunately. But, there are tx plans out there, and mood swings and depression can be addressed. Group tx is much more successful, and that's why I feel hospitalization would be better. But I doubt that this will happen because she has primary care of SD.
BPD would also explain why she moves around therapists because one-on-one counseling because difficult as they see the therapist as an authority figure and that often prevents them from learning. They resent authority.
I'm just curious but is BM skinny or heavy? I'm curious to know if she has an eating disorder too. Some borderlines present impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Gosh... my post sounds kinda negative, doesn't it?
I certainly didn't mean it that way, so I hope you didn't take it that way! LOL... I was rambling there.
I do think that this is really really really good progress! (Insert jumping smilie here)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
RE: hospitalization and impulsiveness
Perhaps at the end of this Family Based Therapy if BM hasn't improved, SD will come live with us so that BM can get the intensive treatment she needs in the hospital. I agree with you that hospitalization would really be the best option for her.
As far as BM's impulsiveness, oh boy does she ever have issues with almost all of those things! Her weight boomerangs all the time. She'll go from being quite chunky to very thin and back again in a matter of months. She has racked up almost $100,000 in debt because of her impulsive spending habits. She has abused drugs in the past, although as far as I know she is clean now. The drugs she has abused include prescription pills and illicit drugs. She has had periods of promiscuity and a VORACIOUS sexual appetite when she and my fiance first got together. She pursued him so hard it would make your head spin and she wouldn't take no for an answer. That's pretty much how they got together in the first place. Romantic, huh? The only thing she has not had a problem with, at least to my knowledge, is shoplifting. I think the only reason for that is, why shoplift when you can just charge it and Daddy and/or hubby (EX-hubby, that is) will take responsibility for the payment? She doesn't pay either way, and this way she's not breaking the law.
I don't have much hope for her prognosis unless she can be hospitalized. Time will tell! Thanks for your input, I knew you'd be a good one to consult on this. You make some great points, even with your dueling cats in the next room!
Yep...
The erratic weight issue diffidently sounds like ED related- probably in this case, ED is a symptomatic stress response, rather than a full-blown eating disorder. Not uncommon and kind of predictable, given that BPD is in part a failure of coping skills. It sounds like she probably does both binge and restrict, giving that she's 'chunky to skinny' very quickly and back again.
You know, you might want to get a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells, I forget the author, but it's very well written. It's geared to assist family members in understanding what goes on behind the BPD cognitive thinking. While I know that BM isn't your focus, but SD is... so this will help you, help her in coping with this.
With BPD, everything is black and white... there is no gray, or very very little gray. In their eyes, someone can be an angel or a devil- nothing inbetween. They have a very distorted view. Children growing up with a BPD parent, believe that "all adults act like that" or "that is how adults treat (mistreat) children". They even will believe that their own feelings are "wrong" and they "shouldn't ever share their thoughts or feelings".
Now the thing that you want to be concerned with most is making sure that you show and respond with 'corrective experiences' so that SD can learn emotional expression is healthy, and how to handle emotions in a healthy way. What you have already proven to SD is that there are adults in the world who aren't "just like my mom" because she looks up to you, responds to you. You're already ahead of the game there!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Again, I LOVE the visuals!
Fearless, you just crack me up every time! I love the idea of you hopping around with glee. Thanks so much for your support and hugs and gleeful hopping! What a sweetie you are!
congrats
I am so happy all worked out for you - and it looks like it will continue to keep on looking better for your and your family. Congrats!!!!!
Absolutely Great News!!!!
I'm so happy for you. I know you have been in a panic over the situation. So glad to hear this. It's giving me a little more faith in these counselors. WOW, what great news. And the pisser part about it is that SHE has to deal with it.
That's right damb it, you are somebody, somebody very important!!!!
VINDICATION!!!!! One of my favorite feelings, (even though I probably spelt it wrong)
Yeh Caitlin, I mean brat. Hugs. Jo