Back during the early part of our marriage, my skids' BM used to be EXACTLY the same way. Every good thing we did was met with paranoid accusations. We felt like we couldn't win. Do something bad, get chewed out. Do something good, get chewed out more. I figured it was because she was insecure. She knew she didn't spend as much one-on-one time with her skids as I did. She never cooked for them, like I did. She didn't just sit and hold them in her lap, like I did. She spent tons of money on birthday parties and special-order cakes, yet never once baked them a homemade cake, cookie or meal in her life. She never read to them, which is something I did every single night. Plus, they warmed up to me very early. Within hours of the first visit that included me and my son, they were hugging me, telling me they were glad their dad had married me and eventually, telling me they love me. I'm sure she felt like she didn't measure up by comparison, so she would do and say similar things to what Andrea says and does, just to make herself look more knowledgeable, more on top of things, more in control of HER children. I never felt like it was a competition. I was a mother myself long before I got any stepkids, so I didn't feel the need to compete with her. I was already a mother. I didn't need to try to take her place, but I think BM thought that's exactly what I was trying to do. She didn't feel comfortable about me being there for her kids, because she was afraid I'd show her up. And my DH paid dearly for this in lost visitation time. Eventually, and I mean after about four or five years of me not going anywhere, she finally loosened up and even admitted that she actually considers me one of the kids' parents. That was huge! I think maybe she just finally grew up a little, accepted that I was here to stay and understood that I just wanted to live my life and be happy, that I wasn't out to get her. It didn't really change much, she still does that kind of crap when we try to be involved, but at least we understand why. It doesn't bother us as much anymore. I guess we've just gotten used to playing the game her way.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

No matter what you do, you will always be the one who replaced her. Our BM was the same way. What can you do? No matter how you try to reassure them, they still believe the worst of you. Jealous? Yes. Insecure? Yes. Your fault? NO!

~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~

But I am re-posting it here, because I think it's good for others. I'm sure people will disagree, but that is what is great about this site. You can have a good debate over things, yes sometimes they can get out of hand, but it's good to see things from all angles... so, sorry for the repeat, Katrina!

Can I suggest something? My SS uses some inhalers as well, not daily either. Pretty much the same situation. All we did was wait about three months, refilled his prescription over the phone with the pharmacist, and than just kept that at our home. In fact, we first called the Dr. office to see if he could give us a prescription, and that's what the nurse suggested we do, just wait three months, have it refilled. And the next refill, the pharmacy will call the Dr to authorize it, and he does. So we don't have any issues with the asthma meds anymore. We have a set, and he has a set at his mothers. Now, antibiotics and such, he just carries with him back and forth if necessary. That is, IF BM fills them for him... usually, she just sends the prescription home to us, and we have to fill them, all the while my SS has had to suffer for a week before getting his antibiotic or whatever... that pisses me off.

We used to have a lot of issues with this sort of stuff, but it was actually the other way around for us. We found it absolutely annoying that she, BM, would call us every freakin time to 'check up' on SS. My grip was... Give us a break lady, kids only been gone a week! LOL- quite the opposite! So, to me, I personally don't think that it IS necessary for you to call and check up, IE meaning, you calling and talking to her every time. IF there is an emergency, she is to notify you, right? (Yeah, I know don't hold your breath... I understand that.) Well, we had it made very clearly stated in our agreements that it was mandatory for her to alert us of any emergencies, etc. Otherwise she faced contempt charges.

Now, with that have been said, there isn't any reason why you CAN'T call to talk to SS directly. One call is not going to kill anybody, I doubt that you're calling accessibly, so I don't think there should be a problem. But, perhaps, instead of 'chatting' with her at all, be brief, and just talk to SS direct. Ask HIM how he's been doing- granted I know he's young, but he's old enough to start to learn how to talk on the phone, even if it's short and brief, right? It's enough to know- he's fine. Don't worry about what happened until you're notified. You know what I mean? Go ahead and let her be in control in that respect, because the minute you find out that she hasn't informed you of something major... document the discrepancy. It won't look favorable for her.

See, my point is that sometimes you just have to drop the conversations, she has no recourse anymore, so she just is in defense mode. Doesn't matter if you are trying to work with her, she feels it's intrusive, she's threatened by it. So I would personally say, go ahead and back off, just deal with talking to SS directly on phone, be brief with BM. Only communicate with BM on dates/times of picking up/dropping off SS, etc. If something important comes up, bring it to her attention, hope for the best she alerts you.

Hang in there... I know it's a rocky nasty road. But, it can be traveled...

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...