Julianna, I read your post and feel your angst. This in an unbelievably difficult situation. I think if I were you, I would consult with a professional as to how to proceed. Personally, I think I would talk with her, but I would hate to take the chance that I might alienate her, or cause her more grief than she can handle.

And no, you're not in a twilight zone, or off a bit. It's a sick relationship. And I would bet both kids are very fragile and both need help.

I don't know what else to say, except hugs to you...

Whenever I think I have it hard, all I have to do is come on this board and see what others are facing.

I hope you get good answers from others....

It's so frustrating when people you love go through something like this and can't or won't take action to achieve true, lasting mental health. And the more you try to get them to see that they need it, the more you get sucked into it and end up in an unhealthy situation yourself. Unfortunately, these "children" are adults now and there's not a lot you can do, other than what you've done with establishing safe boundaries. Your husband, though, probably needs some counseling and the two of you probably should go together to find a way to cope with this. It's a double whammy for him, because not only does he have to live with the knowledge that his precious daughter was molested, he has to live with the knowledge that his son was the one who molested her. I don't know you even begin to wrap your mind around something like that.

Talk to your SD and let her know how you feel. If she's not in therapy, she needs to be. Ron needs to be treated, too. At some point, way down the road, maybe the whole family can come together to learn how to co-exist. But for now, I can understand the natural feeling you have to want to keep him out.

As for your in-laws, frankly, they may be the grandparents, but they have no say when it comes to how you and your husband handle issues that arise within your family. They can't be objective and probably just want to forget it all happened. If everything appears to be okay and we go on business as usual, then everything must be okay. Their heads are in the sand. You must do what you think is best for your family and don't listen to what anyone else says about it. They may have a right to their opinion, but you don't have any obligation to take orders from them.

I feel for you. I hope your family finds peace.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

Julianna, I"m reading your blog and the one thing that sticks out is the grandfathers statement about thats what little boys do. Hold the phone this happened to his own daughter at 8 and now his son's daughter at 8. Who was the one that molested your husbands sister, has anyone reported this to the police it's a crime and can still be taken care of by the law. This sounds as if the family has been doing this kind of child abuse for generations and it's a great big family secret. Have you told this to your therapist and did the therapist tell you to go to the police. If you haven't shared this with your therapist you should ASAP. I'm sorry for being so harsh but this is a crime against a child, no make that two children who were molested. Being molested is rape and having a close incest relationship with your rapist is very sick they all need help and I"m sorry to say this but get the hell out of there. If your SS did it to his SD has it crossed your mind that it could have been your husband or possibly a brother that did it to your sister inlaw. Any one that takes the stance that "that is what little boys do" is one sick toxic person who you don't need to be around. I know this is a place for encouragement and help but sometimes hearing the truth is the worst hardest thing to swallow take it from me, I was abused as a child by a family member and 20 plus years later they are behind bars. My mother who is still alive hates me for it but you know what I was releaved know that his person would never hurt anyone else. If your SS molested your SD then he will do it again to someone elses child, he is a pedifilal and rapist you need to put an end to this. What happens if he ever gets married and has children do you think he will be like his grandfather and father and let his own children molest each other. Girl go to your therapist today and if you have to let them take it to the police it's the law to report the molestation of a child and if your family, SD, SS and husband hate you for it then so be it the cycle of abuse must stop you don't know how long it's been going on you have seen two generations of it there could be more. Good luck.

julianna; been thinking about you and your ss visit how did it go everything ok, write soon, your friend charlotte