Hi everyone. This is a lengthy message. Thanks for listening. I wrote once before about my situation. I'm 28, first marriage, no kids of my own, my husband's second marriage, one SD - 10yrs. I love my husband more than anything in the world, but I'm so scared of the future. I really want kids and he wants more too. But, I'm afraid to have children with him because his ex is such a stress in our lives and his daughter is like a "mini me" of her mother so often. They are both very untruthful people, and there are court orders against the BM. She only lives ten minutes away and there is joint custody - half/half time. So, my SD is back and forth and we have to deal with the BM about everything. She acts like she wants to kill my husband one minute, wants to be with him the next, I don't know what her deal is. I've tried to be decent to her and usually avoid her since that doesn't create any opportunity for her to harass us anymore. My husband is always supportive verbally and it took two years of her harassing us and calling multiple times a day, stopping by our house, causing problems, etc. just for him to take her to court over her completely psychotic behavior. She keeps becoming more limited, but now its being taken out on my SD, who is already a very good manipulator. I do love my SD and am very good to her. We spend a great deal of time together, but she works over her dad and is very irresponsible and untruthful. I'm trying to be nice in my descriptions so I don't just sound like I am blasting them negatively. I just don't see my SD's behavior permanently improving where I can live in peace and not have her screaming or sneaking, lying, manipulating or complaining all of the time. She brags to her friends about how much of a pushover her dad is. This hurts me to hear. She will butter right up to him, and he loves her so much. He tries to be a good father, but I feel that he needs to really crack down and help his daughter become a good person. She's practically 11, and she doesn't do any chores without complaining, and she doesn't have a single regular daily or weekly chore that has ever stuck. She has problems with friends, she has been untruthful to her teachers, other adults, etc. and my husband doesn't see the real situation, I feel. He thinks she's a nice girl who just does some bad things. But, kids don't live like that and make a lifestyle out of lying or manipulating or throwing fits. She has such a great home here and makes a huge mess. She is very spoiled...cell phone, video games, dvd player and tv in her room, mp3 player, tons of nice clothes, gets to go out and on trips, skiing, vacations, etc. But, she doesn't appreciate how much she has and her father will talk to her sometimes, but there is no consistent enforcement. He says he keeps trying to get better, but my SD seems to take three steps the other direction for every step he takes to fix her behavioral issues. I'm just so tired of crying, wishing for things to be better, wondering if it is realistic for her to get better. I've been considering leaving and trying to start over, but it breaks my heart to think about life without my husband. I love him so much. We also have a business together...that makes things very difficult to deal with too. We've tried talks, counseling, reading articles, etc. for the past four years. We go up and then down, in circles, but not a lot of consistency. My days are happy, sad, confusing, hurtful, and upsetting. I have told my husband how I feel so many times, but he tells me I'm oversensitive to many things and that we need to pick our battles. I feel that I let so much go, but that I should be able to stick up for myself and vent to him in a calm, rational manner that I am hurt that his daughter lies so much, manipulates so much, that he doesn't stick through with long term disciplines, and that I should be able to pick battles when my home is being disrupted, my stuff is getting used or treated poorly, when I have to worry about missing money in my purse or being respected. He says he will support me if I do something, but to me that's the problem. Shouldn't I be supporting him as a parent and have him be the main disciplinarian? I'm always the bad guy if I do say something because he did not notice or care. He says that most things are not a big deal to him. He doesn't see that I have to live with this behavior and person who I can't trust. I don't to throw out the worst or most upsetting examples of what I feel I go through, because I'm not looking to bash them, I'm looking for real help and solid understanding, not just to vent for the sake of venting. I need some advice. Please help and offer me any guidance or wisdom or experience that you have. Thank you again. I appreciate the support!
- C