I need feedback on this situation that came about yesterday. But first I will give you a brief synopsis of our situation. So here it goes:

For the last five years, my BF has dealt with his ex's intrusive ways. At first, he gave her the benefit of the doubt and allowed her to contact him whenever she felt it was necessary to discuss matters about my soon-to-be SS. Her contact with him became so frequent and unproductive that it was intrusive to his personal life. She has taken every opportunity when they were in the same place physically, when significant others were not present, to be intrusive and inappropriate with him. After some time, he decided to address this with her verbally and asked her to discuss matters pertaining to SS only and to not carry on a conversation about all the things that were going on in her personal life (which is not his concern). She was unable to respect this and had continued to conduct herself in this manner. When a discussion would ensue, it would turn into an argument and escalate into a screaming match at times. In addition, on many occasions, a mutual agreement would be made, then later she would manipulate the situation and state that she never agreed to it. Since these agreements were not in writing, he had no evidence to prove that it was agreed upon. Every time there was an encounter with her, she would manipulate the conversation or situation to suit her ulterior motives. He felt this was counterproductive to his well-being and mental health. He decided to address this concern in writing and attempted to establish more clearly defined boundaries. So, he sent her a written request asking her to contact him in writing if there was an issue to discuss about SS and if an emergency situation arises, then to call him on the phone. She complied for about two weeks then was unable to respect this request and stated to him on several occasions that this request was not in the divorce decree. She continued to call him frequently about random issues. This cycle continued on for approximately the last two and a half years. To top it off, a couple of months ago, the ex bought a house a block away from our home that we purchased a year ago. Finally, during the mediation hearing this past August, an agreed upon plan for communication was established. This is what was agreed: both parties agreed to communicate in writing and if an issue arises that needs to be addressed immediately, his ex would call me and he would call her new husband. The history of communication between his ex and him has not been effective nor productive in the least, but this new plan has been working, for the most part.

SS has been going to counseling once per week, for the last four weeks after an incident occurred with SS while he was at his mother's home. BF's ex has taken SS to three of the sessions and I took him to one. My BF was unable to attend the session that I took him to but I informed the counselor that he is very interested in meeting him and would be at the next scheduled session. The counselor seemed eager to meet my BF as well. During the session that I attended, the therapist talked to me alone for part of the session. I brought up my perspective of how things are going for SS and in doing so, I brought up the last mediation agreement regarding communciation between SS's parents (my BF and the ex). I also brought up the fact that my BF's ex just moved a block away from us. Both of these pretty important facts were unknown to the therapist. It is quite interesting that the ex left these bits of information out of the sessions when she was there - three times. Hmmm... (she has a history of talking a bunch of crap about my BF and now me, to whomever will listen-she admitted to us that she has done this before).

SS came to us last week after being with his mother and stated that the next therapy sessions that are scheduled are only when he is with his mother (which both my BF and I thought was odd). Then yesterday my BF got a letter in the mail from the counselor stating that he is demanding that my BF coordinate with his ex to meet with the counselor for a session to discuss the counselor's role in therapy. The letter also stated that he is cancelling any future sessions with the SS until this meeting occurs.

My BF's ex has a long history of setting up situations that gives my BF an ultimatum if he does not sit down with her face to face from time to time. She has filed false allegations against my BF twice in the last three years supposedly trying to gain full custody of SS. These cases went straight to mediation both times and they had to sit face to face and basically nothing changed as far as custody AND she even admitted in the last mediation that she only filed that complaint against him because she knew that was the only way to get him to sit down and talk to her. SO...my BF feels that this situation with the counselor's demands to meet with my BF and his ex together is her new way of getting them to sit down and talk. My BF does not see the therapeutic rationale behind having a meeting together when they just hashed out everything in mediation in August and both of them agreed that direct communciation between them is not feasible. My BF does not see anything wrong with how things are going with SS in terms of well-being, school, etc. There is no emergency situation currently going on that she would need to meet with him. The only thing that we both could come up with is that she has not seen my BF or talked to him in months (since mediation) and she must be feeling the need to see him. We both do not feel that it was the therapist that actually came up with the idea to have them meet together because his agenda that was outlined in his letter were things that would not require both of them to meet together. And, even more importantly, since the therapist hasn't even met my BF yet and has not established rapport with him. My BF refuses to meet with the counselor with his ex present, but would be more than happy to meet with the counselor alone to go over the counselor's role in therapy. My BF feels that the counselor can achieve what he needs to, without the ex present. My BF does NOT want to be in a situation with her alone again...ever. (oh, just a side note: I forgot to mention, that in the last mediation session, the ex was dressed in clothes that looked like she was a stripper - she did not expect to see me there and her face completely dropped when she saw me sitting there next to my BF - and I don't think she was dressed like that for the mediator...LOL) My BF does not trust his ex's intentions at all. She puts up a good front as if she only wants what's best for SS but everytime she gets a chance, she tries to flirt with my BF, and does this of course when I am not around. He said to me that he does not want to ever give her the opportunity that she is looking for.

My BF and I are composing a letter to the therapist to inform him that he would like to meet without the ex present. The current draft of the letter also goes over the reasons why he is making this request. Do you think our assumptions could be right on the money about her intentions? How do you think the therapist will take this? Do you think the content of our letter should include the reasons why he does not want her present at the meeting? Please advise us on this matter...we want to mail out the letter on Monday. : )