I can't win
We had a long talk with my fiance's parents. I am so exhausted, tired, angry and fed up with them. They sat and blamed me to me face for every problem that has occurred between them and my fiance since his divorce. Their whole defense as to why they go to his ex is that they can't trust me. That I keep the kids from them and convince him to.
They flat out stated that no boundaries apply to them for any reason. That it doesn't matter that they haven't spoken to us in months, that we should still tell them why we make decisions that we make within our own household. I want to shake them both. When my fiance pointed out that they would see the kids more if they got along with us they said that they didn't really care about seeing the kids anymore. (so why do you go to the ex again?) Their arguments had no basis in logic or fact. I am at my wits end. I will not sacrifice my integrity and agree with them that everything related to the changes after the divorce are my fault. They flat out said that it was all my fault. Even after giving them a timeline of the events leading up to the divorce, and the fact that I didn't even meet their son until after his wife had filed for divorce and moved out - all the changes are my fault. He begged them to stop talking to her and going to her for time and they refused to consider it.
Sorry if this isn't coherent. I am at a total loss.
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Comments
Mental
They sound like they are out of touch with reality . . . could they possibly be developing dementia? It could happen . . .
Most Evil
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
It has occurred to me that
It has occurred to me that dementia may play a part in this. I think the problem is more a control issue though.
Silver something
I can relate to you 100%. When I met my DH, the BIL & MIL had more say in what happened with SS than my DH did.
When I fell pregnant, DH wanted SS to be with us and my son and our BS all the time and just have the BIL & MIL visit when we had SS. When You blender (oops I mean Blend
A family you have to have fairness and structure for all. My BIL went overseas and gave my BS Games from over there when he returned saying they were for BS and SS, then proceeded to go to SS (at BM's) and give him another load just for SS, not to be shared. My DH was pretty mad.
BM makes life hell for Dh and when the In laws would call her and get SS without Dh knowing, DH would call BM about his weekend and BM would say no, your family had your visitaion last weekend. Can you imagine how agro he was?
Well it all came to a head we sat them down 4 times or more and tried to explain why they had to see SS at our home on our weekend. They said you can't tell us when and how we will see our nephew/grandson, we will see him when we like. DH said thats it after the 4th time they still went and seen SS behind our back, he said "anyone goes to see him without consulting me, or not here with us, then I will be wiping my hands of you".
As of 6 months ago my DH has not spoken to his 2 brothers and his mother is on thin ice, but you know shes his mum he has trouble disrespecting her, but they all think its me, not that BM is evil, she is always nice to us and lets us see SS when we want they say..Of course she does anything to piss DH off. GRrrrr I feel your pain, it really ruined us both for quite sometime, now we just live our life and told them, see him when you like but you will never see them here, or the other 2 kids, they have truly done their dash.
But you know what is harder? After all this and telling them the truth and explaining what BM does, they still DO NOT get it, they think we are being selfish and BM is the ducks nuts, good on you then!! I can't imagine my family telling me what will happen with my son, geez people, SS is DH's son, not theirs who the hell do they think they are really? Baffles me to no end. Hang in there and just relish in the fact that they don't want to be around, save your sanity and be done with them for good!
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
They honestly believe that
They honestly believe that because we don't just offer entire weekends to them that we are refusing to let them see the kids. BUT THEY DON"T ASK. They claim they are afraid to call the house because we might say no. GIMME A FU@KING BREAK. Yet they still don't call him at work!
He called them after we got home and tried to talk to his mom again - she is the more aggressive about the lies and going behind his back. She still claimed that it was me manipulating him and controlling him to tell them that they can't see the kids as much as they used to.
I think I'm still too mad to even try to compose my thoughts.
Silversomething...
You've got to stop caring what these people think about you or you will go crazy! You and your DH-to-be may NEVER bridge this gap between you and them.
I know it would be nice if you had these great in-laws who loved you and whom you loved back, but damn. It's just not worth setting yourself up for more hurt every time you try to reason with them. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, much like you can't argue with a drunk or a crazy person. They are dead set on their perspective and are not going to see it any other way. It's unfortunate for you and for your DH-to-be. It's unfortunate for their grandchildren. But hey, they've chosen this path. They are sad and pathetic.
Divorce or not, him marrying you or not, they are the GRANDparents, not the PARENTS. They get no say. Yes, they should get to see their grandchildren and form a relationship with them (if they can do that in a healthy way while respecting the parents' boundaries), but it's not their "right." It's their privilege and that privilege is extended to them BY THE PARENTS. If BM wants to extend them that privilege on her time, then woo hoo. They can erect a monument in her honor on their front lawn. But if they don't want to pull their heads out of their asses and see what the score really is, then they will continue on their sad and pathetic path, alienating people who could be their biggest allies in maintaining contact with their grandchildren: you and DH. You cannot control what they think of you. All you can do is stop caring enough to let it hurt you.
I'd like to do a survey here... how many of us who are divorced and sharing our weekends with our former spouses send our kids to our parents for whole weekends on a regular basis? When you're splitting your time with your children between yourself and their other parent, it's just mathematically impossible to give everyone all the time they want. Divorce sucks for everyone. It sucks for grandparents, too, but hey, that's the reality they need to accept.
I don't live close enough to send my kids off to my parents' home for the whole weekend, but even if I lived next door, I wouldn't do it. Why? Because my parents are like your in-laws... controlling, manipulative, devisive and they don't play fair. They would trash talk me and my husband to the kids every opportunity they got, so we don't give them the opportunity. My in-laws are great and I'd have no problem sending my kids to them, but they respect our boundaries, support our discipline and know that WE are the decision-makers in our family. If your in-laws are like my parents, they may NEVER see what they are doing as being "wrong." And they will always blame you and DH. Bubblewrap your feelings and don't let them hurt you anymore. They're not willing to negotiate a truce if it means admitting they were wrong. Some people are like that, sadly.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Thanks Anne
I guess that my fiance and I hold family to be so important that we don't want to wash our hand of them without trying everything we can think of. We are almost to that point. Believe me, it is harder for him to let go than it is for me. I don't much like them in the best of times but not having contact doesn't hurt me -it hurts him.
He is convinced that we can get through to his dad. So he is now going to try that route. I can give this only a little more energy before I am completely done with them. Then I will know that I tried my best and that there is nothing we didn't try. After that I can do just as you suggest. Right now I don't feel like I have tried my hardest.
BTW - my fiance does read yall's responses from time to time and he is also grateful for the outside point of view.
I guess I'm lucky
X
She is the one that left.
She is the one that left. She filed for divorce in Feb of the year, moved out in June and I didn't even meet him until SEPTEMBER. But that doesn't matter, it's still my fault. I fully believe that she has convinced them that he and I knew each other before she left.
I'm still pretty fed up with that little tidbit.
I can't win either
Silversomething, I really and truly feel your pain. I seriously have the most two-faced in-laws, it's unreal. My dh's aunt, told my fil at a family wedding this summer, that bm was a "better fit" for dh than I am, and the very next sentence that was oozing out of her mouth was how beautiful my dress was, and how we (dh and I as a couple) made her feel proud..
Do you know why I can sit back a relax and still enjoy the show? B/c in my view, you can't trust two-faced people, and if I see how two-faced, untrustworthy, and crazy these folks are, so does the rest of the world. When they say mean and offensive things about me, I let it roll off like water on a ducks back b/c no one values their opinion. It's like taking financial advice from cousin Eddie (the low life always mooching off people on Christmas Vacation...)
For years my dh didn't allow them to have any contact with us, they didn't even know where we lived or what our home number! They barely got invited to our wedding. If I had listened to my dh, they wouldn't have been, and for good reason.
What you should do is let your bf do the footwork to try to mend the fences between you and his parents. When he finds that he won't be able to do that, he will let the issue go, and you two will move on. I have learned that when I let dh do the footwork, I'm not so resentful when we can't accomplish the goal, and I don't feel like I'm talking to a brick wall b/c no one sees my point.
Just know that you are not the only one out there with crazy in-laws, and if you ever need to vent, please email me! I have lots of stories that will probably make you laugh!
Hugs,
Candice
P.S. Don't get mad over them blaming you for the divorce, you are giving them the power to control your feelings, and they only want to blame you to make you feel bad so that they can manipulate you. Even crazies know when they are full of shit!
Thx Anne
You hit a point with me right when you asked about how many people give their parents weekend access when they have to split the time already. My DH gets to see his son every second weekend and they want us to go to his mothers one day of that one weekend every 2nd weekend. We say, well you are all welcome to pop in after a call to let us know you are coming, anytime in that weekend. Because we don't go there often, we are trying to keep SS from them all!! You're right though, who gives a shit, I gave that up 6 mths ago, and I almost forgot then...LOL
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*