did u used to get along and now u are just clouded and poisoned by all the crap from BM? or does she treat u badly? and how does yr DH feel about what youre doing? i think it depends on that and also to what extent are u leaving her alone? im sure u havent "completely eliminated her" like u say...if u still take care of her when u have her but dont do any "extras" then i would say do whats best for u. ultimately, shes not yr kid and if the relationship isnt there, just make sure she is fed and so on and leave all the real parenting stuff to dad. it shouldnt have to be like this, but it doesnt always work out the way we plan. if this isnt the case, then its not fair to take BMs crap out on her, especially if SD really likes u and whats a relationship w u. hang in.

u have to have a peaceful life for yourself and do whats best for u. as long as u still do the minimum for her i wouldnt feel guilty. alot of us here have to disengage for various reasons. bottom line, SD is still taken care of in part by u and u are not obligated to do any extras.

I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.

It appears to me that you have done nothing more than set boundaries that protect you emotionally and that is the greatest gift any of us stepparents can give to ourselves. Not to mention you have eliminated ammunition that the sd was using to keep things going, which places her back into the position of child while in your home. Rest assured you have made the most logical and self respecting decision you could make, and because of that, have no guilt.

I did the same thing with ss's indoor soccer season. I used to go to every game and have to deal with too much stress. When Bm would bring ss he would always be late and miss part of the game. Then just having to be there with Bm in the stands was stressful. Dh is the coach so he is on the bench with the kids and not with me. So this recent season, I didn't go to one game. I couldn't believe how much better I felt on game day!! Yes, I felt bad about not seeing ss's games and yes, Dh tried to put a guilt trip on me but I still did what was best for me. It was such a weight lifted off of me!
So I agree with the fact that you have to do what is right for you.

Dawn

wrong that you have disengaged from SD. I had to eventually do the same thing. SD16 and I had a good relationship until BM came back into the picture and started filling her head full of crap. Then she turned on me, so I had to disengage for my own sake. I focused more on my biokids and I think they are better for it. Sometimes you can only give so much, then you can't give anymore or you will make yourself crazy. I too, worried that I had done the wrong thing, but I totally think I was the right thing to do FOR ME, not for anyone else.

i mean, it's so easy for us to take our anger and resentment out on these kids. trust me, i find myself doing it with SS12 in subtle ways because i hate the fact that his mother is raping my family for every dime we have. but i have to CONSTANTLY remind myself that he didn't choose to be born. he didn't choose for his parents to split up, make bad decisions and not get along. he is caught in the middle and i have to TRY TRY TRY to redirect my anger and resentment. unless he's pissing me off directly and being ignorant to me, then i try to lay blame and anger where it belongs. usually squarely on the shoulders of DH and his ex.

but don't get me wrong. i completely and totally understand that disengaging completely sometimes can help you feel that you're back 'in control' of a situation that feels out of control. just make sure you aren't punishing the wrong person...

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

Then everyone else will be happier too. Ever heard the saying "if momma ain't happy nobody's happy." I believe that is the truth, kind of like the trickle down theory. lol

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

I had to do the same with my SD and there really was any other choice left. I limit my time with her, have conversations with her only when I have a witness and refuse to allow her drama in the house. She doesn't like it, my DH doesn't understand the need but I live in a drama free zone, I don't worry about my words or actions being twisted into ugly lies. SD uses my boundaries to play the victim with my DH but if he wants to continue to enable - so be it. I know what I'm doing is justified - I tried to be kind and compassionate to her and all I got back were lies and manipulation. Don't be angry with her but make your DH understand that your actions are justified and necessary.
Glynne

It's difficult to always take the high road when you'd like nothing more than to tell the SD or DH EXACTLY how you feel. When I see my DH enabling or SD mannipulating him I walk away. It's none of my business and my poor DH has helped to create this monster. He has to live with it - I do not. The monster (SD's drama, histrionic behavior) is not allowed in our home anymore. I'm with you, GoingNuts, I don't miss it one bit!!
Glynne