you care too much. and you're setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache and frustration. for the time being, step back and detach. if she fails, she fails. as for the part about how do you not get involved and parent this child at the same time? well, i don't think anyone on this site has figured that out yet. my DH expects me to stay out of all matters (he thinks this is best for me). but when these matters start to affect me and our biodaughter, i can't help but step in. eg. child maintenance in astronomical amounts b/c he's afraid to go toe to toe with his bully ex. i don't know where the line is. when skid is here, he does whatever he wants. and when i don't step in, it's extra work for me. eg. cooking and cleaning for him. i believe you can 'detach' yourself from the outcome of this child's situation. if you do this, you won't find yourself eaten up by 'what could happen' if she fails, etc.

as for the child support stuff, you need to get your two cents in there. alot of DH's will lay down and let their ex's walk over them and this is due to so many complex emotional baggage issues at play. the financial stuff WILL affect your family. have your say about that stuff. with regards to medication, schooling, how often you see her, etc. well, i'd try not to care right now. it's not going to be appreciated the way you hope nor will it be taken the right way. too often, stepmom's efforts to care are misinterpreted as us trying to control and we can be viewed as being biased. unfair isn't it? do yourself a favour and be quiet unless it has to do with something that makes a DIRECT and big impact on your family.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

I can't imagine being in your situation. This poor little girl. What is wrong with her mother? How can you not want the best for your child & for them to do well in school.

It is sad that money has to be a factor in many of our decisions, but it is a big deal. It sounds like she would be much better off with you, but I am sure it will be a tough and costly battle.

Again so sorry thatthis woman isn't doing what is right for her daughter.

that your valid claims will fall on deaf ears. Lazy moms don't lose custody of their children. You may be the "better" household, but unless you establish this from the beginning of the parenting time allocation - it doesn't really matter. Your SD is established and the courts usually won't inflict change especially when the existing custodial parent isn't willing to relinguish the residential status.

What I do. Remind myself that BM is loving my SDs the best way SHE knows how. This may not be up to MY standard, but they are not my children. So when she makes a bad decision, I just shake my head and accept that which I have no control over. DH simply states that he thinks it's a bad decision but respects it all the same. (Unless it's a completely moronic one of course)

You don't have to cut the parenting out of the equation. You just have to respect the other household and control what's going on in your own.

Even though you may know what would work best, doesn't mean that's what will always happen. Logic isn't always a constant when dealing with certain BMs.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

if it will affect my pocket or my time. Other than that, not my children, not my problem. Believe it or not, my skids really like me. They really don't want me involved other than to be nice and I am always kind and respectful (like an aunt)& they are in return.

I do the same with my neices & nephews and I adore them. I don't get involved because it is not necessary.

In fact, I do the same with my kids. I only give advice when they ask & believe it or not they call me for my opinion----but I don't say anything if they don't take it.

Maybe dealing with 200 teenagers a day for 20 years has taught me something.

Been there, done that and been hurt by three skids. Also been hurt by DH's attitude of "not much I can do". We have had custody of 2 of the 3 with poor results.I also cam to the realization that DH didn't really have the parenting skills or drive to help the skids. He cares but feels helpless, hopeless and has detached himself as the BM spins her web to entangle the skids into her sick world where they remain dependent on her and feel guilty for living their own lives.

My role now is to provide a listening ear to DH, remind him that he has influenced the skids in some areas of their lives and hope that they respect him enough to remember him as a dad who cared and tried to guide their path. The way the skids live their lives has become too much for him to cope with and has worried him for too many years. He isn't gaining anything from worry over it so why do that?