Ready to GIVE UP!
Hello all! I am a new member and so glad I found this website!
I hope at least a few of you will stick with me through this long story. Will make it as short as possible.
3 years ago I met my boyfriend, a dream come true. Wonderful man, couldn't ask for more. I was a single mom with a 13YO son full time. He was a single dad with 13YO son full time also. Boys are 16 now. We had a wonderful, loving, committed relationship that was nearly perfect. Boys got along wonderfully also. After a year we decided to rent my house out and move in together with boyfriend and FSS. Had big plans for the future!
Within the first week (could I have been so blind?) I realized FSS was a monster in his own territory! I knew he was somewhat spoiled but didnt realize HOW spoiled! Refused to give any help around house, was stealing from all of us, would come home when he pleased 10-11:00 even on school nights and then ask what was for dinner, as though I was supposed to keep it warm for him. Had a friend spend the night EVERY night, even school nights. I was flabbergasted. BF and I tried to change tried everything to change this behavior. At the beginning BF agreed that FSS needed some discipline, but never would give any even when it was agreed that it was needed. This continued for a year during which time my BS had become so distraught with our living arrangements that he ran away twice and I had to request early dismissal for the school year because FSS had his friends beat BS up twice and harrassed him constantly. Just before BS & I were kicked out, (because it was decided by my boyfriend that it was my BS that was creating problems for FSS) FSS took my car for a joy-ride (no permit, no license) and crashed it. Not ONE SINGLE WORD was ever said to FSS about what he did. Instead BF took him to get his permit 3 days later. Nothing has been done to repair the damages to my car yet. It has been over a year now.
After a year of living together we moved (kicked) out and went back to our house. BF & I separated for 3 months until he came to me and told me that he really wanted to work things out. I was still then (and am now) very much in love with him. We put a plan together to try to make our relationship work while trying to work together to gain some control over FSS's behavior. He agreed to discipline FSS and cut him off from all of his WANTS (not needs). It has been 8 months now and although for a few months BF did stick to plan, things with FSS have gone from bad to worse. He has given up on discipline and has taken a 180 and agreed to give him everything he wants. Says he doesnt want to argue anymore. FSS refused to get job so BF gave him a job with his company. BF does not have enough work right now to keep all employees working full time let alone hire FSS! I freaked out and have not had contact with BF since. (Two weeks ago)
I have not mentioned anything about FSS's BM. She has made our relationship hell! Does not want anything to do with BS, lives 2000 miles away, does not have any contact with BS but contacts my boyfriend daily, contacts me every few months. She is a filthy foul-mouthed psychotic (not using that term lightly). We have reported to authorites, block phone numbers, she continues to find ways around everything I try.
Anyway, I am trying to decide if my love, very deep and passionate, for BF is worth any of this anymore. Can I wait until FSS grows up and moves out? Do I think he will ever move out? Or do I RUN FAST?
Any comments, suggestions, or good laughs to lighten my day would be appreciated!
THANKS FOR LETTING ME BLOW OFF FOR A BIT!
- dawsonk4's blog
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Find Blogs?
How do I find sarah101's blogs?
finding Sarah101's blogs
There might be an easier way to do this probably, but I haven't found one yet, so here's one way)
Go to:
*Recent posts (page 3)
*Look for Personal Blog Titled "Spoiled Spoiled" (It's mine)
*scroll down to Sarah's post titled "Silver Lining"
*click on her name (her page will come up)
*click on the "track" tab and you can read anything she's written
(boy will you get a good perspective, then!)
Good luck, Dawson!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
wow
Is that the way that you want to live the rest of your life? Personally, I would walk through fire or crawl through broken glass to protect my kds from evil and that is what you are dealing with. Its not going to get any better and more than likely its going to get worse. It doesn't matter how much you love the guy "sometimes love just isn't enough" and you already see that your H makes all of the campaign promises, but then he doesn't back it up. Sounds like your H is also involved with some kind of game, kicking you out and then begging you back. If it were me they would not need to kick me and my kid out because we would already be gone.
I think it's time
I'm so sorry you're going through all this! It sounds horrible to have to live that way. I think from what all you've said, you need to see a counselor to help you make the decision to put up with it all or leave him for good. My exH was abusive so I had no choice but to leave him, broken heart and all. I spent a long time hurting over everything...I didn't think I would live through it and most of the time didn't want to. but leaving him was the best thing I could ever have done. My dh is so wonderful...even when he irritates me and our life is a circus, I know that he loves me and is trying as best he can...they are men after all.lol I think your bf hasn't shown you respect or treated you very well unfortunately. You can love him all you want, but love doesn't get your car fixed or fix your bs's bruises.
I can't tell you what to do...it's your decision to stay or go, but I think the handwriting is on the wall. Bf isn't going to change, and you're losing out on alot of things. Is he the kind of person you've dreamed about your whole life? Does he meet the criteria for being a good partner? If not maybe it's time you moved on.
Good Partner
That is just the thing. I believe he meets all of my criteria for being a good partner,and he (himself) IS the kind of person I've always dreamed of, if FSS were to drop off the face of the earth. But they are a package and I dont know that waiting until FSS leaves home is the answer.
I'm very frustrated, confused and resentful.
skds
Those kind of kds don't leave home. They are still there when they are 45yo waiting for a hand out.
skds
deleted
5teensathome
How do you and other posters do that? How are you able to slip a post in wherever you want it rather than it being added to the bottom? Thanks
hit "reply"
to the comment you directly want to respond to first. if you don't, it will automatically put your comments at the bottom of the list
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Your
first responsibility is to you bioson. If he is running away from home & having trouble in that house it is your obligation to protect him. Think of HIM FIRST.
If the relationship is worth saving, time will tell. Don't live with him, finish raising your son & date him. You only have one chance to raise your son, you'll have plenty of time for your boyfriend later.
Just my opinion. Good luck.
No Matter
what happens, I am not, will not, consider living with him again until boys are out on their own. Therein lies the question of putting the relationship on eternal hold (bc I think it will be YEARS before FSS is put out to support himself) or walk out now with a broken heart and start my life over.
Wow, first let me say welcome!
Second, run far and run fast. IMO it will only get worse. Oh and I would insist that BF fix my car.
Please put your son first in all this
I agree with Angel--your son comes first here. He needs and deserves a home that is not chaotic and where he feels safe. You can, and should, offer your son nothing less.
I suppose you were fortunate to get a "preview" of how life is going to be with FSS in the picture. Many of us (ME!) got married before we discovered that the stepbrat waters were much more toxic than we ever imagined. As soon as they see that they have any control at all, everything goes to hell.
Some questions before you take the plunge:
Are you willing to potentially live with and financially support this adult SS in your home for years at a time? His GF? Kids?
How would SS affect your relationship/marriage with BF?
Will your own son ever come for family gatherings at your home when SS is there?
Are you willing to have a significant portion of your own salary go to pay for SS and his mishaps? (Think bail).
Just a few realities when dealing with spoiled, arrogant, entitles teens that WILL turn into spoiled, arrogant, entitled adults.
From one who almost drowned in the toxic soup, please, PLEASE take a breath and consider all your options here.
Just want to say that your
Just want to say that your situation is very much like mine-
I moved with my son into the house where my H lived with his kids
It was their territory, and we were intruders. They will expect me to cook for them at any hour of the night....and misbehave in every way while their father is too afraid to discipline them- and then he asked us to leave because HIS kids were causing problems. Just like your situation, and also like your boyfriend, the one time H tried to discipline SD, by cutting off her free money if she didn't behave, she only got worse and worse until he resigned to doing everything she wanted again.
And like you, I'm still in love with the guy.
I can't give advice, because I'm still in the situation and haven't been smart. But just wanted to say, it's awfully similar, and the kid will leave when he grows up, he'll just get worse- by the way, my skids have a psycho mom who will not help take care of them, but is constantly trying to get attention from my H.
It's not going to get better, probably- does he ever consider that YOUR son has just as much reason to be angry as his, but yours is behaving?
We have
been living apart for a year now and my son is very happy, well-adjusted and responsible. I guess I can be glad that we moved out before we were married. Still had plans to marry until recently when I realized that FSS is never going to change or leave home. Haven't told FH that I have changed my mind yet, but by now, he probably has too.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. I knew it would be difficult, but never as toxic as it is (was).
My heart goes out to you, let me know anytime you need to talk!