VERY VERY LONG--considering the BM in light of my own divorce, and strategizing for coping--copied my livejournal

Hopefully I won't get flamed for this, and hopefully anyone who takes the time to read this very long essay will understand it's an exercise in generalities, not expected in any way to fit every BM, or give specific answers to anyone's problems. I use myself and my situation to illustrate my points, b/c ultimately, I can't speak for anyone else, but this is what my experience as a wife, divorcee, and SM have shown me to be true.

I’ve been reading so many stories of step mothers and their insane behavior, and it’s really made my head spin. I’m trying to reconcile how there are that many truly insane, irratic, spiteful vindictive human beings walking around out there, and it just doesn’t make sense. I also am thinking back to being a kid myself, and my friends who had a step mom, and all the bad things that were often said about that parent, and the situation in general. Finally, I’m trying to see this all from my personal experience as a divorced woman, and synthesize all of this into a lens that helps me understand some of the biological mothers behaviors. I don’t have any kids myself, so I anticipate that being a hindrance, but I’m going to give it shot.

I guess the first thing I consider is the impact of divorce/separation on the BM. For me, this was a truly devastating and traumatic thing. Even though I ultimately instigated the decision, my ex began the process over a number of years of verbal and mental abuse, and through that, he rejected me, which hurt A LOT. After I walked out and away from that, I lived out of my car for 2 months, while my paycheck continued to be docked to pay the mortgage of the house we owned together because even that was better than being alone with him in a remote location, and he refused to leave himself and let me stay there alone.

In the months that it took to get the divorce done, he would alternate calling and wanting to work it out or emailing trying to “process” with spewing vindictive hateful things that were exactly the reason I left him. When the divorce happened, he fought me over money my family had given us to buy the home, saying he was entitled to 50% of that, etc. etc. It was very ugly, I had health problems as a result of the stress, and missed a lot of work, and I held a lot of resentment from all of this, plus all he put me through during the marriage.

We had no children, but I still nursed feelings of hurt, rejection and anger towards him, as he did towards me. I felt like he abandoned me emotionally. I felt like I wasted the bulk of my adult life being with a man who could treat me so badly. I felt like he OWED me better treatment than I received, and how DARE he fail me so completely as a friend and a husband And I was angry at myself too, for allowing it to go on for so long.

And even though I moved on, I still was angry when he did the same. I know, it’s illogical, but its how I felt. I compared myself to her, and felt distain for her in many ways, and actually laughed to think that she was going to replace ME.

But then my ex started bringing her around our old friends, and it REALLY started to bother me. My best friend and her husband, in particular, and I went through a lot of emotion around that. I felt like my best friend, who I’ve known since college, was being “stolen” from me, and it put me in a place where I wanted to both interrogate my friend for information, and scream at my ex for trying to take “MY” friend from me. I lost a lot in the divorce, most of our local friends sided with him, and while it hurt, I took it as a sign as to the true nature of the friendship, and let it go, but this was a different sort of friend, someone he would never have ever met were it not for me, and he had NO right to spend time with her and her husband, and their daughter, my godchild.

I hated these insecure feelings in myself, but still couldn’t stop myself from lashing out at my best friend several times and accusing her of not being loyal to me!

So what does all this have to do with BMs? Well, I can, at least to some degree, empathize with the biomoms, or at least understand the emotions that may drive some of this insanity. First, there’s the loss and rejection of your partner. I know that hurts. I grieved for some time over the relationship, despite all the bad, despite my role in it, it was still damned sad, because we had good times too. So if I, just one person felt that, I can only imagine that I would feel that same thing and more if I had children. I think no matter what I’d feel as though he abandoned the family, if I was the one who left, I’d still feel like he should have tried harder, been there more, been more sensitive to me, no matter what. And to do that to innocent children? I would hate for that, I’m sure.

And then what did she go through immediately after the divorce? I had to move out and be homeless, perhaps some of the biomoms did too, or perhaps they felt they had to due to their circumstances. Or perhaps she stayed and he left, and she had to learn to parent completely alone for the first time, or be the one to tell the children about the separation, be the one surrounded by the memories of family in the home on a daily basis, or tell her parents, or ask for their help, all of which are humiliating and very hard emotionally.

Perhaps she thought through the divorce proceeding he’d concede and “see the light” even if her light was completely irrational and out of line and try to do whatever it takes to hold the marriage together. Perhaps she thought that in the middle of all the anger on both sides, he would come back around, and apologize for everything, and throw himself on the line emotionally, like it happens in the movies, but rarely happens in real life. And when that didn’t happen, she was all the more hurt.

Perhaps after the final divorce decree, she went home and cried, realizing that it was indeed, done, and there was no hope. I know I did, even though I was with someone else, I still grieved. Perhaps she turned to her children at this time of sorrow, and in her mind, they were the only ones that still loved her. Maybe as everything else that was a comfort and happiness fell away, her children were all she had left emotionally, and that made her grip on them and their love all the more fierce and determined.

And then time passed. Perhaps during this time, however long it was, she and the ex worked out an emotional rhythm with the kids. Even if that rhythm is her berating him and him guiltily giving in to whatever she wants, that is still a rhythm. Each day that goes by, she’s allowed to punish him a little more for the perceived failures. Each day that passes, she gets more and more self righteous. SHE is the one who gave birth to them, HE is the one who CHOSE to have children with her, he OWES her. HER life is never going to be the same. She has these children, who make it that much harder for her to move on and find someone else. Most men don’t want to get involved with a woman with kids, and THAT will be why she won’t ever find love or happiness again. Maybe she resents the hell out of her ex for that, and maybe resents the kids a bit too, and feels guilty b/c of that.

Then something changes. Her ex seems to be happy again, and one day, the kids come home from the visitations MOM allows with stories about a new lady. Who is this person? What is their background? How DARE the ex find happiness at all, let alone before her! And to top it off, this person is going to influence her children? Has all the benefits of being fun, going to zoos, baseball games, etc on weekends, and none of the responsibilities of homework, discipline, and chores? Where was SHE when the kids had ear infections and screamed all night? Where was SHE when the kids spiked fevers and the mom was wondering if they’d live? And the biggest question, where was SHE when mom was explaining to the kids why daddy left the family????

Nothing this woman can do will ever be right, because underneath it all, perhaps BM fears being replaced, not just with her ex, but in her children’s hearts. Fears that this woman will have the advantage of not going through the things leading up to the divorce, and the divorce itself. Fears that this woman will have the very thing she didn’t have, or didn’t get, a happy and fulfilling life with the Ex.

These feelings hurt, a lot. And perhaps she feels guilty for having them. Intellectually, you’d want your ex to move on and be happy, and for the person who he finds to be a good, loving person, who cares for your children, and opens their heart to them, because what child is hurt by too many people loving them? But even in this best case scenario, mom is now the odd man out. The kids have someone new to love them, the ex has someone else to love him, but who loves the mom other than the kids? The kids who, with the newness of the new woman, plus perhaps her efforts to befriend the kids and get close to them, are perhaps are coming home with stories about how great the SM is, how COOL she is, how she makes better food, buys them more cool things, and the fun they now have together with dad and SM, and BM is out in the cold.

It seems to me this is a set up for a lot of IRRATIC behavior. One day, BM is calm and rational, fully in “what is best for the children” mode, and handles interactions with the ex and perhaps the SM with grace and decorum. The next day, or even in the middle of the same conversation, she’s lashing out verbally from a place of hurt and pain, b/c SOMETHING happened that brought her back to the rejection and “poor me” place.

And sadly, this is best case scenario. Many many people are not this self aware, and don’t even try to be. Many people just react, they don’t take the time to figure out the source of their anger, they just let themselves be consumed by it.

This doesn’t excuse the name calling, the berating to anyone who will listen, especially innocent children, the lashing out at the ex, the SM or any of the other things that these BMs do. And this certainly doesn’t fit every situation, or even mine, since my F was never married to the BM, who, at least from what he says, deliberately got pregnant at 17 to keep him from leaving her. (I know, how very SPRINGER).

Which raises another issue. None of us, the stepmothers, were there to see what actually happened between the BM and our BF, F, or DH. We can hear from others what happened, but from the most part, we hear from our partner. That is not to say that the person we love is lying, but it is important to remember that there are always two sides to every story, and though there are exceptions, the truth is usually somewhere in between. It is a rare person indeed who completely owns their own guilt to someone who they love, and who’s opinion of them matters more than anything.

And of course we all WANT for this person to be innocent in most of this. I respect my F, and love him with all my heart. I don’t WANT to believe that he’s the deadbeat dad and all the terrible things that BM says about him, and nothing I see in him since we have been together leads me to believe this is the case, otherwise, we wouldn't be together. But I’ve known him for 2 years, does that mean 10 years ago he was the same? He was ALWAYS the man I know now? I know I wasn’t the woman I am now 10 yrs ago, god, 10 yrs ago I was, well, let’s not get into that, but let’s just say I couldn’t even take care of myself, let alone a child.

And frankly, I don’t care what happened 10 yrs ago. I care about the here and now, and the man he is now is the man I have chosen to spend my life with. SD loves her dad so much, he must have done something right along the way, and beyond that, I really don’t care about BM and her opinion, but I do need to recognize she has 15 yrs of history with F that I don’t have, and I can’t know all that transpired and the selective memory she uses is colored by a very negative opinion of him.

So what can be done?

All I can do is recognize she’s a limited person. All the evidence I have seen in her dealings with F, and with SD, tell me this. Her reaction to me, more of the same. For 12 yrs F had no other women involved in SD’s life. Not that he didn’t have girlfriends, but none he introduced to SD. I am the first “challenge” to BM’s complete and utter iron grip on F b/c of her possession of SD. Until I came along, all BM had to do is threaten to withhold visitation from F, and he’d cave. B/c what could he offer his daughter instead? He worked all the time, often until 2:00 am sometimes, a “bachelor pad” style home, and that was no arrangement for a child. All he had was his visitation with his daughter, and the right to work like a dog to support her and BM was okay with that.

Then I came along. As our relationship grew stronger, we slowly integrated my presence into SD’s life and it was great from the beginning. Together SD F and I built a home and a FAMILY, and then moved into a new place together, which is far more appropriate for a family, including SD. Now we have something to offer SD, an alternative to her Cinderella role at her mother’s home, a place where she is valued and appreciated, and unsurprisingly, SD would rather be with us than her mother as a result.

Now BM may not be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but I don’t doubt for a moment that she’s made the connection between my arrival on the scene, and SD’s desire to spend more time at her dads, her dad standing up to BM more, and becoming more and more involved in SD’s life. You’d think this would be a good thing, but in her mind, it’s a threat, and it’s change, and therefore, scary and the screaming and constant phone calls intensify. Sound familiar to anyone?

I say all this not as an apology for the BMs out there, but as a strategy for the stepmoms because knowledge in this instance is power. Understanding the motivations of the BM and gleaning insight into some of the insanity helps US cope better. Empathy is a powerful tool in interpersonal relationships, and this is no exception.

I try to hold these ideas in mind when BM pulls her crap, not b/c I’m looking to excuse her, but b/c SHE is trying to manipulate our family, so how about I try the same thing with her, but with one advantage, actually taking the time to consider where she’s coming from rather than simply react emotionally! When I’m able to do this, I can best strategize with F about how to handle her, and also give him the love and support that he needs.

So congrats if you’ve read this far, I know it’s a long one! I’m interested in what others think of this, and particularly interested in the women out there who are both a divorced biomom and a stepmom, who have an interesting perspective on both sides of the issue. I appreciate the input!

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Wow Northern

That was great! LONG, but great..... I too felt all these same feelings for the BM in my situation, and tried very hard to see things from her perspective once upon a time. I still do to some extent, even though she is Bipolar and Bordeline Personally Disorder. She still has feelings and I respect that. I just don't respect her, mostly for the way she has treated her own children. I know I shouldn't judge, but I don't really see it as much judgement, just observations. She has done things to her children that have changed the people that they were meant to be. She has abandoned them and mentally abused them so bad, that SD16 doesn't even see that she is worhty of any type of love. What will this do for the rest of her life? Since BPD is mostly a learned behavior, both SD's (one more than the other) have learned this behavior and now it is up to US to correct it, if possible. I have gone through so much with these two children, and even though they aren't mine by birth, I ALONE raised them. DH was on another planet 90% of the time.
I do agree that we all have change in 10 years. I know I am not now the same person I was 10yrs ago, thank GOD. Neither is Dh. He has grown a set and stood up to BM countless times and she blames me for that since he was "whipped" when he was with her. he also now is a more involved parent and doesn't tend to stick his head in the sand so much. We all change with time, and so do situations. Some for the better, some not so much. Our BM has gotten worse, but there are others who have changed for the better with time. The one that comes to mind is Anne8102. The BM in her situation was horrible in the beginning. Now, years later (with Anne being as accomidating as she is) she has finally allowed the first visitation that they have had in a number of years. She even is pleasant to Anne. Now that's progress. Even if BM's remarry, there's no guarantee that they will suddenly be accepting. My own BM divorced my dad when I was only 9 and almost immediately, I had a SM. I didnt like her at first, but only b/c of my BM's influence. She was a very kind and loving person who would never judge anyone. I think that was her best quality. You could tell her anything and she would never judge you, no matter what.
Anyway, I ended up having a wonderful relationship with her. This made me try harder with my skids than anything else I had ever done in my life. I would always call the BM for suggestions on certain things regarding her girls, but she would always cuss at me and hang up. I wasnt the other woman, but to her I suppose I was.
Thanks for your post, I hope it makes some of the more "bitter" SM's here take note of their own behavior and work toward peace with the BM. In my mind, true peace comes from understanding the other person's side of things and putting thought into their feelings.

Hey you were warned Sia I

Hey you were warned Sia

I agree, the hardest part is that the kid end up suffering for it. All I can say is that I think in some instances, people in general just aren't self aware enough to realize the impact of their behaviors on others, especially their children.

I think it must be very helpful for you to be able to draw on your own experience as a skid, and I can see it brings an important perspective and dedication to your skids.

I don't know if peace is possible with a lot of these BMs, I mean, the reality of it is, you can only manage your side of the fence and how much power you give another person to impact your life. I've seen one SM on here who has the serenity prayer as her quote. It's very fitting for SMs I think. There may be nothing you can do to change a BM who is determined to be miserable, and, no matter how much it stinks, there may be no way to completely eliminate her ability to create chaos in your life through your skids, but, at least for me, it helps to try to have some empathy, it helps me to resist participating in her drama, and hold her toxic energy at bay...

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I understand

I am a bio mom of two and stepmom of two. I have worked really hard to make a conscious effort to be VERY polite to my ex's girlfriends. Granted, he has not remarried and there has a been several girlfriends introduced to my children. After becoming a stepmother I realized just how difficult the bio mom can make your life. I didnt want to just dislike the "new woman" simply because she is with my ex.
I dont get the same consideration from my H's ex but if nothing else, it has taught me to be a better person because I sure as hell dont want to be a bitter person like she is! The sad thing is that I think she is great mother and we could actually get along if she wasnt so set on hating me. The skids are really good kids. Cute as all get out. They are a bit stand-offish (sp) but given their mothers attitude towards me I cant say that I blame them. I have been in their life for 4 years and I am just now learning that I cant change her. I cant make her nice. I cant make her comfortable with the situation. I just need to be the best person I can be - and believe me, it is a struggle everyday.
It is a tough situation, I agree, for the BM (and stepmom). You have no say over this "lady" who influencing your childrens life. You have to trust that your ex husband (who you usually dont really like) is providing your children with a positive influence. I have been lucky that the girlfriends have been pretty nice. I just know that I dont want to spend my life bitter for years and years. It is a letting go process - letting go of your past marriage, your past family, letting go of some control over your childrens life - basically letting go of your world as you once knew it.
I can sympathize with BM's - even the BM in my life (no matter how hateful she can be). I think your post was VERY insightful, despite the fact that you are not a BM, I think you right on track. Being able to see "the other side" is gift that the majority of people dont possess and you should be proud that you do! Great post!
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Thank you for your

Thank you for your contribution FFG, it's exactly your perspective that I was hoping to get. Being the better person is NOT easy, but to strive for it is admirable. There are moments when it's just not humanly possible to rise above it, and in those times, I'm grateful for a website like this, where others that have been there can relate, support and understand.

And also thanks for your kind words about me, I'm glad to see my post generated some discussion too. I KNOW that not everyone is in this situation, or can relate, but for me, understanding WHY someone is doing the things they do helps me cope. Doesnt' make their behavior right or excused in my mind, but it helps me regulate myself emotionally, which is all we can do sometimes in a frustrating situation!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

The Other side of the Story

Northern,
You make some great points. And indeed, this is indeed the "classic" divorce story which fuels the basis for the "poor, discarded first wife syndrome."

It is the fodder for so many Lifetime TV movies- the cast aside first wife who has her perfect family taken away because of her ex-husband. She then becomes jealous and almost obsessive with this new interloper in her "man's" life.

Despite the divorce, she still sees this man as HER HUSBAND. And this "other woman" is just kidding herself. She is just temporary. She'll never last. And if she interferes long enough, she might just win him and her perfect family, back again.

HOWEVER...

That is not always the case for many of us here.

Case in point:
My DH and his first wife were married (supposedly happily in his mind) for over 10 years. He was working hard to be a good provider for his family and was a great father as well.

But apparently, he was too stable and 'boring' for her. She liked to party. She liked to slut it up at the bars. He, on the other hand, was happy to stay in and do the family thing (they did, after all, have 3 young children now.)

Apparently, she grew restless. She wanted out. She messed around and had an affair in their home while the kids were present. When caught & confronted she said she would end it and work to save the marriage. But she lied only long enough to take things that she wanted out of the house without him realizing. Then she moved in with her new 'party' guy. She told DH she was no longer interested in being a mother- that she was done and her kids were raised (they were 7, 9, & 11 at the time). She was more interested in going out and having fun.

DH was devasted and blindsided. Her parents and family thought she 'went nuts' and would eventually come to her senses. But she never did. She married 'party guy'.

I didn't come into the picture until the ugly divorce proceedings were almost finished. She was shacked up with her new guy and happy(after getting a HUGE divorce settlement from DH) and living her new life.

So then I came into DH's life. Why the heck would I matter to her? Why would she care about me? She left HIM. He was MR. BORING. She couldn't stand him. Ok, so move on...

But she hasn't. She HATES me. She's incredibly jealous and obsessive when it comes to me. You would think I was the woman in your above story: the God-awful homewrecker who destroyed her picture-perfect family. OOOPS! Sorry, that was HER.

So, no, Northern, I really don't understand her. It's beyond understanding. It's just CRAZY. She is just a Freakin Fruit Loop!
I don't consider her for a moment. Not anymore.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Hi 5....

I think she sounds like she is classic BPD......have you considered that. Your story sounds like my DH's almost to a tee. He thought he was perfectly happy as well.
I don't think the BM in your case is as "happy" as you think she is. Clearly, she is a little "off" and that alone is a huge statement. I think she is just one of those people who can't be happy unless there is chaos in her life.
Don't kid yourself, she is most def as miserable as she tries to make you be. People who try to make others feel that way only do so out of a need for others to be as miserable as they are.

Believe me, Sia

I know she is NOT happy. I know she is, in fact, miserable, and looks to blame everyone else in her life for her unhappiness. I know she loves to create drama and chaos and thrives when others are pulled into her toxic, crazy world. I know she loves to bring others down rather than building herself up.

But I also know that I continue to not consider her for a moment, feel sorry for her, or feed into her craziness for one second.

And I strive every day to teach my DH to do the same.

My ONLY regret is that my three SDs are lost forever into her crazy, toxic world and are becoming little versions of her...

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I am sorry for

your SD's. I know what that is like. My SD19 is lost in her BM's world as well! BUT, SD16 has moved back in with us, and now realizes what a f'ed up world it really is! I hope that she will at least turn out better than SD19. SD19 has a 4mo old little girl that DH has only seen once and will likely never see again b/c he is the enemy! I hope your Sd's do better now that they are older. Was the one who didn't want you in the dorm room still sucked into that mess?
*Sorry to hijack your post northern

They are all sucked in

all in their own ways:
*The oldest, the one we took to college yesterday, has no spine when it comes to her mom. She just gives in because it's easier than fighting w/her. She can't hack the guilt. Hopefully being away at college and away from the drama will help her grow a spine and a bigger sense of self.

*The youngest is the 'pleaser'- she'll do/say anything to not rock the boat. She says one thing to us and a complete opposite thing to BM, just as long as everyone is happy and she gets whatever she needs.

*The middle is the most like BM and the one who LOVES and thrives in the chaos and toxicity. This is the one who will be the heartbreak of her father and lead me to an early grave (an added bonus for her).

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

5teens would you believe

5teens would you believe that the BM in my situation was very similiar? That the catalyst for them breaking up was when F's friend who worked in a no tell motel called him to say "I don't know how to break this to you, but your GF just got a room with some dude" and provided him with the receipt she signed, while he was at the apartment he worked night and day to pay for, taking care of their child. He confronted her later and she PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE, jumped out of the car, and locked him out of the apt.

He spent the night at a friends, then came back to the apt to work it out (yes he's a good guy) to find her gone, his child gone, everything he OWNED gone. And for the next 4 years, the only time he was allowed to see his child was when SHE called, on HER terms, wanting money, then he could BUY time with her. And she told SD her dad didn't love her and didn't want to see her. lovely huh? All the while she slept around, brought her daughter to work with her at hooters, etc. etc.

Yeah, I can relate to restless, wanted out, too stable and boring, and her slutting it up, let me tell you!

But honestly, in her mind, I have NO DOUBT that all this was his fault. Even if in some dark corner of her mind she KNOWS she screwed up, I'm sure she resents the hell out of him for letting it happen. FOR her shortcomings, for HER having to trade in the party life for family life, and not being emotionally ready to do it, and not living up to what a mother should be.

My F was devastated too, watching BM drag his kid from loser guy to loesr guy, and any time he tried to say anything, getting a 'f-you' for his efforts, and not seeing his kid for months.

Like you, I came into my F's life 12 yrs later, and she's on marriage #2, and god knows how many relationships. You'd think she wouldn't give a hoot about me right? Wrong, oh wrong.

I do understand her though. She certainly makes me angry, but more than that, she makes me sad for SD. I SEE that this woman has a completely warped version of herself and her reality. She is the ever suffering mother who's trying like hell to do the right thing. SHE is the only one who knows what's best for SD, and anyone who disagrees with her is crazy. SHE has been the only one there for SD all this time, and how DARE anyone else try to intervene. Anything that conflicts with that reality is simply ignored, shouted down or rationalized. She refuses to see that she might be wrong or that someone else might be right. She refuses to allow a tiny beam of doubt into her mind as to her righteousness. She is so rigid in her thinking, that there is NO ROOM for discussion of any kind. It's her way, or nothing.

Like I said, she's limited in many many ways. I came into this, as I said, a divorcee, but not a mom. It was very hard for me, at the beginning, to not take this personally, and I read about others like myself who can't understand why as they try their best, they are consistently attacked for their efforts. I didn't write this to chide anyone for not being more tolerant of the BS of the BMs, merely to encourage insight into some of the insanity. I've only been in this for 2 years, some of you, far more, and it hasn't gotten better... I truly meant no offense!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

Northern, I took no offense to what you wrote

I saw your point- really I did. But when SO many of us are dealing with these crazy, unstable, toxic, drama-filled personalities as we do with these BMs, I just wanted the "other side" out there!

And that is, sad to say, there is no figuring out crazy. Crazy is...well, just that...crazy. Period, end of sentence. And for a sane, logical, mature person trying to wrap their head around it and make sense of it, it just doesn't do any good. I used to try and it would make me just as nuts as she was!

The things she would do to try to sabotage our relationship, our new family and the things with the girls used to get me so enraged. I would try all sorts of things to get her to stop. None of them ever worked, but they only got me angrier and more upset. And probably made her estatic knowing that she 'got' to me.

So now I don't. I try to consider her as little as possible. I NEVER interact with her. I don't pick up the phone when she calls the house. The few times I do need to actually see her in person, I don't even acknowledge her- she's a nobody to me, not even a 'blip' on my radar screen. I let DH handle all interactions with her. And I'm teaching him to better deal with her so she's less intrusive in our lives. And slowly, but surely, he's finally getting the hang of it, too!

It's self-preservation for my own sanity. And it's working. Why should I spend any more of my precious time and energy worrying about this horrible person who is never going to change?

I'd rather work on the things I CAN change. It's a much more productive use of my time.

And just something else to think about for all of those Stepmoms out there who are dealing with difficult, toxic BMs.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I'm glad your not offended,

I'm glad your not offended, it's hard to read "tone" online, you know? And by consider, I meant more for myself, contemplating the BM, not CONSIDERATION FOR... sort of thinking about her in light of my own experience.

And it's the psych major in me, I can't resist trying to figure out crazy!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

Northern, I took no offense to what you wrote

I saw your point- really I did. But when SO many of us are dealing with these crazy, unstable, toxic, drama-filled personalities as we do with these BMs, I just wanted the "other side" out there!

It's self-preservation for my own sanity. And it's working. Why should I spend any more of my precious time and energy worrying about this horrible person who is never going to change?

I'd rather work on the things I CAN change. It's a much more productive use of my time.

And just something else to think about for all of those Stepmoms out there who are dealing with difficult, toxic BMs.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Northern.. I gues I sort of

Northern.. I gues I sort of figured the bm hates me because I have been able to maintain w/dh what she couldnt.. and even though we work at it, and it is what it is, in her mind she must think that she could have been me.. but in reality.. She couldnt.. because we are nothing alike. She is self absorbed, lazy and spiteful.. I on the other hand try to please everyone (apparently a trait of an oldest child of an alcoholic), I have been working hard and was self sufficient long before DH came on the scene and have not stopped being so, and kind and generous.

I would LOVE to know how to make this info work to my advantage. Do you have any examples of how you can use this info to manipulate her? Perhaps you can be a sounding board on how to get her used to the idea that her children will no longer have their own rooms at our house, but rather a guest room to stay in together. Most often, I just try to avoid her.

Absolutely!! I think that

Absolutely!! I think that makes complete sense frustrated! It sounds like she can't accept her own contribution to the end of the relationship. It's probably easier to blame your DH too, for failing with her and succeeding with you. She's not going to see the actual differences between you and her, all the traits you mentioned, b/c that would give you depth and humanize you, b/c at least for a rational human being, that would make it harder to treat you so badly.

How I use it to my advantage? Well, MOSTLY I control my own reactions to her andtry to talk through some of her behaviors with F, to help him not take what she says to heart. She KNOWS that the worst thing she can say to him is that he's a bad father, so she says it, all the time. Why? B/c it GETS to him. I can remind him of the fact that she's saying it b/c she has no other power over him. That this is happening b/c of all the ways he's been able to support his daughter, even more so since we met, and she's threatened, jealous and angry over it. How the best thing he can do is continue doing exactly what he has been for SD, and SHE knows the truth, just look at how much she cares for him.

It also helps with SD. We are able to support her more knowing what her mother puts her through, and what BMs end game is, basically, to prove to her that F is a bum, and that doesn't care about SD. So every move we make we explain WHY we are doing what we're doing, and what we're looking to accomplish. When we set rules with her, we explain why, and let her know the consequences. We know the BM doesnt' do that, her word is LAW, and thus we have an agreeable happy child at our house, and BM gets a resentful angry child, b/c SD KNOWS it doesnt' have to be that way. We win.

In terms of the DIRECT manipulation of BM, it's helping us greatly in formulating our custody strategy. We KNOW how she's going to react, irrationally, angrily, and from a very rash and immpulsive place. So we're setting the stage, if you will, to be the rational ones. We've formulated a parenting plan, offered fair visitation. Thought through plan A. plan B. and plan C for all discussions.

And sometimes she sets us up to mistreat SD, and we never ever fall into that trap, no matter how much it inconvieniences us. One example, we called BM and said we were bringing SD home one evening in 15 min. Fine she says. We get to BM's house, and no one is home, and all the doors are locked. SD has no key. So we sit there. SD calls BM on her husband's cell, and BM says she'll be right there, and we should leave SD there. NO WAY we're leaving her sitting there like a dog for even 5 minutes, let alone the HOUR it took BM to get back, in the dark, when SD would have been left sitting on the steps, getting eaten by bugs, which you KNOW would have been F's fault.

Things like that happen a lot. Little things, BM's way of undermining SD's relationship with us. It never works, and just makes her look bad to SD. I NEVER fail to ask her when she doesnt' come over, what happened, and tell her we missed her. More often then not BM has told SD that her dad didn't call or didn't want her over.

Happy to help in any way I can with the room merger or anything else, just drop me a line whenever!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I've seen both sides...

But not in the way you might think. I was married before to a guy who said his ex-wife was satan with blonde hair. They had two young daughters and she worked part time. He left her and she got the typical divorce settlement, the house and the mortgage, the car and the car payment but he took the credit card bills and his paid-off car. She started working full time and got a little help from her parents to make ends meet. She met a guy and was getting remarried about the time I started dating my ex, about two years after their divorce was final. My ex HATED her... would not stop about how evil, selfish, greedy she was. So of course I didn't like her, he knew her better than I did, right? She did seem a little difficult sometimes but eventually I found myself defending her points on kid issues more often that I sided with my husband. I was actually only married to this guy for about 7 months, thankfully I came to my senses quickly! Because of my former step-daughters I was still in contact with their mother, my ex didn't want me to have anything to do with them as punishment for leaving his lazy drunk ass. As a result she and I (and her husband and my boyfriend) have become great friends... so my lesson was that you certainly can't assume anyone's judgment of their ex is fair.

Then comes new (current) BF and his ex-wife. He said she was crazy but I had just had a very good lesson in taking the time to make my own assessment. So I waited, and I watched... and she is a complete nut job! I've never met someone so selfish that they have no idea they’re selfish. She's completely delusional and certainly isn't going to let reality or facts interfere with any decision she's made. I was friends with my BF before we dated and had heard the stories about the stuff she pulled while they were married. I figured he had to be making this stuff up, or at least exaggerating but after almost five years of seeing her in action I think it’s more likely he has understated the situation. She is the reason we haven’t gotten married – as long as his boys are in child support range I don’t want my income, my house, my ANYTHING accessible to her because there isn’t anything I wouldn’t put past her.

This ended up a bit long but I guess my point is that I agree with northernsiren mostly, some ex-wives are basically good people that are trying in the situation but maybe just aren’t entirely emotionally equipped to be successful at it. However, there are some who are just flat out crazy! At one point I jokingly said that I wish my current BF had been married to ex-BM instead of his own ex but we all decided that would probably not have worked! Besides, it’s already too hard trying to introduce each other, we were all out and ran into friends of ex-BM’s husband and he started… this is my wife’s ex-husband’s ex-wife’s current… um, this is *___*’s ex’s… um, oh hell, these are our friends *____* and *____* !

We're all here just doing the best we can - there is no doubt that it isn't easy for anyone... us, husbands, ex's, kids. I think that's part of why the good days are such a joy, we know how hard we've worked for them!

I agree with falling from Grace

Until you are a step and a bio mom you don't know how to deal with things at times. My kids are mine, there dad died so I don't have to share them with anybody,not that it's easyer, because I never really get a break, I don't know what it is like to have another women in my childrens lives eather.I think thats why this sight has been helpful to me.I agree with you, my SS's mom does not have any step children in her new marriage so she has no Idea how the Bio moms are, so it's all about her and "her son" my husband also has no Idea what it is like to deal with an Ex on my side, so he thinks everything gets blown way out of proportion,anyways I do feel better knowing that my sons mom and her new husband have to pay $1000 a month in alamony to his Ex :> I remember when my Ex threw it in my face that was "in love" O.M.G. after 3 kids and 17 years of my life with him,That was by far the WORST thing,hurtful thing,he ever said to me.I'll never forget it.

Very interesting post.......

This was a very interesting post and really got my brain into motion.

Lately I have been trying to "figure out" why the BM is so very upset, angry, irrational, rude, spiteful...etc etc. I have been trying to put myself in her shoes and to try and understand. If I can help make the "crazy" stop, I would certainly be open to options.

Some people can just not handle change. First I come into the picture & aside from the fact they are separated long before I get there, they still have a past and children together. She see's how hubby looks at me, see's that he loves me......see's what she once had when they first fell in love.

What I think she expected was, this too shall pass.....as the love for them was not strong enough to hold them together to work out their differences. So this slapped her in the face & she has yet to learn to cope with it.

Then once she realized that we were making a life together, blending our children as one family....she could no longer keep it together. Maybe it was her little girl dreams that you meet someone, get married, have children and live happily ever after.....just maybe. And here she is divorced and here her ex is gone on with life...in love, now sharing a blended family.....a future. Her dreams have been not only broken, but smashed right in front of her, something she has to think about day after day.....that she no longer has her childhood fairy tale anymore.......

So then we get to their children....hey, this is the hold she might still have on her ex. Maybe he will pay her some attention if she makes everything about the kids. So yes, for awhile it does have his attention and although no matter what he does, it never seems to be enough. Finally he gets angry enough and pulls back. Somehow this too back fires because she then uses this against him with the kids because now "dad" doesn't care.

And why doesn't he care she says....because of BM. Everything changed when she entered the picture. SHE has taken your dad away from you, SHE is the one responsible because he has disengaged, SHE is the one that is responsible for them moving away from here. SHE is the one who has children and now "dad" spends every day with them instead of you.

Most times its easier to point the finger at someone rather then look in the mirror, adjust things in your life, learn to be happy again...but it takes effort to move forward....it takes leaving the bitterness behind....

I, too was married before, so I too am an ex. Did I ever have to share my kids with a SM, no I haven't. Would I have been open to it, actually yes I would. You see, I had actually befriended a couple of my ex's prior GF's when we were married. They were extremley nice and level headed & we had a lot of fun together. The ex wasn't sure how to deal with this at first, he thought it was weird...and maybe some would think it was. One thing I learned about my ex is that he seemed to pick very similar women...maybe not in looks, but definitely in personalities.....and hell, how can you not like yourself.....LOL. Maybe I am an odd duck here because I am confident as a person and confident that my children love me & we have a strong loving relationship with one another. I personally would not take a BM entering the picture as a bad thing or threatening, but good. Kids can never have enough people to love them. I try to see the good in others long before most.....and I do not have a problem working with others, especially when it comes to kids.

It's just too bad that BM never felt that way herself...it's sad actually. There she sits, miserable, trying to find ways to distroy this family over here rather then focusing on moving forward and finding happiness for herself....so very sad. She is missing out on so much.

Well, I have rambled on long enough....but thx Northern.....this was a good post.

It seems to be so true

It's no secret that I can't stand SS's BM. But it has nothing to do with her as a person, actually, she is someone that on good days, we used to sit and chat and have a cig together, we have been to her house for dinner, but then she gets into these moments where she hates me, want's me to stay out of it, tells the kids horrible things about me. The only reason I can't stand her is because of the way she treats the children and the things she has let other people do to them, things that will scar them for life. I really try to avoid dealing with her, but sometimes I have to and it is generally civil. But, I honestly do understand where some of her anger and resentment come from. She had married young, due to getting pregnant by her first husband, she met my DH, and he was wonderful to her and her son. They had 2 of their own children together, but she never treated DH like he was worth anything. All he wanted was a little respect from her, to be treated like a human being, not just someone who didn't make enough money. I am sure, just like with all break ups, whether there are children or not, that when Dh and I got married, she saw her future slip away. The man that had loved her and tried to make a better life for her, finally gave up and found someone willing to love him for who he was and loved everything about him. We are a "perfect, happy little family" and it probably hurts her very much that her children beg to live with us. Not because we are "funner or cooler" but because they don't have to be put through abuse-of ANY kind. We ARE a family and every member of it deserves love, respect and kindness. Things these children aren't used to getting at home. So, at times, I do feel bad for her. I would be devestated if I lost a man that was so good to me. All I want if for her to protect and love her children, stop letting her new husband be mean to them, stop letting their older brother beat on them and just show them the love they deserve. In the end, it is all about the kids.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~

My Girl friend said this about her Ex

"I don't want him back, but i don't want him to be happy eather",Who knows why, but what she said was the truth how most Ex wives feel,??/
She is the typical Ex wife she drives me nuts sometimes.

Hey

I guess that's why she's the EX, huh?! hopefully time has to heal them eventually, or they at least find something else to do!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

You are here

VERY VERY LONG--considering the BM in light of my own divorce, and strategizing for coping--copied my livejournal

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