Ripple Effects

Biological Mother. BM. She will always be their mother. I can't change that fact and at some point in time, my beautiful, innocent stepdaughters need to learn about their mother and all her imperfection. BM is diagnosed bipolar/BPD. I recently learned (thanks MamaSita for your book recommendation) that BM stays in her abusive relationship with her controlling boyfriend because she has no sense of control over her own life and feelings...that she is actually comforted when being controlled. She thrives on chaos and her BF gives her all that she needs to feel validated. How do you explain that to three little girls? How do I take a seat on the sideline and watch as their mother slowly diminishes their innocence?

SD9 unloaded on her mom on Saturday. Strangely enough, BM called DH...I'm guessing to tell her side of the story before SD9 would be able to tell daddy hers...BM's version included calling SD9 a 'bigmouth' and explaining that SD9 had a 'bipolar' moment and that her explosion was 'out of the blue' for 'no reason at all'. Umm, no.

SD9 called her mom evil and said that she hates her. SD9 screamed at BM that she's a bad mother. BM sent her to her room and SD9 began 'picking at her face' so BM cut all her nails and asked if she wanted to be like her friend (my friend's daughter who killed herself). SD9 said no, she would never do that. But she clearly had marks all over her face where she was very aggresively expressing herself thru self mutilation.

When BM called and left the message "We need to talk about SD9, it's very important" (she never can just say what the hell is going on) on my house phone, I swear I hinted a happiness in her voice. The same happiness I heard when she announced to us that SD6 had asthma when she was 3. No sadness or panic. Just an eery self gratification. It was bizarre.

When DH and I talked to SD9, she said that she just couldn't take it anymore and she exploded when her mom was ordering her around at the BF's demand. She held it in as long as she could and finally couldn't anymore. We explained better alternatives to expressing her frustration, to talk to her mother and that we are always there for her....and so forth. She quickly said there is no talking to her mom and that she doesn't listen even when she says she's scared of the BF. We promised that we would never let anything happen to her or her sisters.

So here we are. She's their mother. They HAVE to learn the same way we all learned that our parents are not worthy of our hero worship. It just saddens me so much...I'm losing sleep again.

These girls are good kids. They deserve so much better than BM. I know that she is loving them the only way she knows how, but damn it....I didn't realize when I got married that I would get a front seat to all of this.

Colorado Girl's blog
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I wish that there was an owner's manual for Step Parenting..

Needless to say a manual on how to deal with the disfunctions of step parenting. I hate this for your SD, I wish I could give you solid wise advice like you give me. I don't know what to say, except I'm so glad that your sd has you and your dh. Poor little thing.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

I wish we were enough...

but little girls need their mother. I just wish she had more good qualities that go with her mental illness.

Like the artistic nature that seems to coincide with their eccentricity. Or on the bipolar upswings, I wish she would take them on grand outings. But she doesn't do any of those things...except go on shopping sprees and expect DH to help pay. So I don't like when she does that.

She has no sense of who she is. So she mutates into whatever boyfriend she has at the time. Unfortunately, this one has a drill sergeant type parenting style that has driven his own 16 year old daughter out of his house and out of his life indefinitely.

My wish is not to rid my life of her...instead I just want BM to obtain the ability to stand on her own two feet and learn to love herself enough not to settle for any schmuck who pays attention to her. I know she is capable of being a fantastic mother because I've seen it with my own two eyes....I just want her to be that mom all the time(or at least most of the time, we can't all be perfect), not just when she is on an upswing.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

CG, It will come in due time.

CG, I've been where you are. My skids, SS stb12 and SD 13 were young when they came to live with us. They were actually 18 months and 3 when DH filed for divorce. BM is also BP, but we did not know that at the time although we suspected some chemical imbalance or mental illness. From the time that they were about 8 or 9 to as recent as about 6 months ago, we (BM, Skids, DH & I) battled on a weekly and sometimes daily basis about the chaos that BM created. If your BM is anything like ours, you hit the nail on the head when you say that she likes chaos. I expressed it all along, but it wasn't until I read Eggshells and saw it printed that it was a behavior or trait that some BPs thrived on in their quest to feel needed and it ALL made sense. Our BM does the grandiose things and on occasion will splurge on the kids. Even when she does it pisses me off beyond anything because the things that she "splurges" on are totally useless. Put money in their school lunch accounts, buy them some clothes, hell even take them on a mini vacation so that they can get some QT in, but she likes to blow $500 on video games and crap and $80 Juicy Couture Notebooks (F#*king Trapper Keeper that is sitting on SDs bookshelf for posterity to say she has it). Hell take them out to a nice restaurant or even a casual dining place such as Applebee's. Going out to eat with her consists of food court at the mall, fast food of any kind and when she is feeling really good, Golden Corral - Yuck, Yuck and more Yuck!

I can honestly say that now that they are older, they recognize that BM isn't all that she paints herself to be. They get in while the getting is good and get out. I used to get upset about the situation, but she created it and she is the reason that if she is not spending money on them, they really would prefer to stay home.

I have wanted for the longest to tell them the truth about many things, but never have and am actually glad that I didn't. It can backfire on you if they are not ready to process it or accept it and so, I stay hands off and through the years, they have come to know the truth and who was really there for them.

Hang in there. Continue to love them and nurture them. They are at the age where they are learning to rationalize and think things through for themselves. I'm sure they already realize that things aren't as they should be with BM.

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.

Thanks Principlist...

You do seem to know how I feel and I agree completely with what your saying.

And you are so right. It's just a waiting game...it's just hard watching the disaster unfold right before your eyes.

I don't really feel the need to "tell the truth about many things" except for the lies she has told in the past about their father. (Like when she went for full custody and stated to the girls their dad 'didn't want them anymore')

I know that the best way is to continue to lead by example and know that 'one day' it will all be clear. There is also that small part of me that wants to scoop them up and make it all better. But that is only a temporary fix....they have a lifetime of enduring their mother and I know in the end it will be their own choice as to how extensive the relationship will be.

Some days are just worse than others...as is the bravado of the whole situation.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Is she on medication?

As you know my husband is bipolar & went cockoo bananas as he himself likes to refer to it. He was medicated when it happened & what he was taking just quit doing what he needed it to. He was on geodone & Lamictal & that did work very well for a couple of years... very little side effects & these are relatively new meds. He is now on the traditional BP meds of depekote & abilify along with an antidepressant. He did gain weight & his hair has thinned because of the depakote. It took about 8 months to get the right dosages but what a difference. He is normal again. He also sees his psych Dr every couple of months for monitering.

I feel so bad for those little girls. It is tough when DH is ill, but the boys have the benefit of me being here & I am able to either push him to do things or make up for it. In some ways I manage to hide it so to speak. My DH doesn't really have manic periods where he is super up & hyper, we cycle more on depressed & normal... occasionally he will get a burst ( got our patio layed in a day once... wish there were more of those days. )

Are there support groups for children of bipolar parents or any books out there?

I think the big difference in my situation is DH knows he is bipolar & that he HAS to control it. He knows that he was not the kind of parent with the older boys that he is with our son & that he was given a second chance to be the kind of father he should have been to all three kids.

I do have two good books if BM is interested foir people who have the disease. DH read them... one is written by a woman who has the disease.

Here's the conundrum...

It's the best kept secret.

She was diagnosed borderline bi-polar while they were married and now she says that she is only depressed. (Explaining the meds she is currently on)

She also confessed to me that she had extensive neurological testing due to migraines and other ailments. She confessed this when I called her 'paranoid' (whole other story) and she explained to me thru her tears that she was being properly diagnosed and that 'paranoia' may be part of her illness.

So in the end, I'm not really sure what her 'actual' diagnosis is, being that she told me she was bipolar in the past only to retract it later. Her mom and BF have also both confirmed the diagnosis but only after I promised I would not confront her with the information.

So I guess my point is that she doesn't embrace her diagnosis nor does she admit to it. (Although she does take a whole slew of medication and even offered me Xanax at one point along with Ambien to help me sleep. I've seen Wellbutrin that she stated that was to help her BF quit smoking? She also believes that her meds are a cure all.)

So how do I offer help to the girls when she won't discuss it openly with them. I won't discuss it until I am approached...but there are so many outward signs that even at 9...SD KNOWS there is something off about her mother. SD11 had it figured out about that age too but didn't seem to have the over-the-top reaction that her little sister is having.

The good news is that dad talked to SD9 and he seems to have calmed the situation. I'm is just tired of EVERY time I turn around, BM is there to ruin a perfectly good Saturday...

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Oh CG

Had this all typed out and my computer froze then crashed

I think the first version was better, but here goes.

Oh CG,

I don’t want to say too much…or too little.

My SD was a skin picker too. At the time I thought she might move onto cutting, but was assured by my research online, as well as two of her therapists that skin picking, though definitely an anxiety reaction, was not related to cutting for the releasing of anger, pain, sadness etc. I always thought they were wrong and unfortunately, SD proved my concerns were dead on, as she has continued to do over and over again ever since I met her.

She also hoarded and binge ate at nine (before I’m sure but that’s when I showed up) had an uncontrollable craving for sweets, which was reinforced in excess by BM. She popped pills like a pro sans water, and complained of chronic stomach and headaches. She could not go to sleep without a water bottle then. Now she is addicted to ice packs and goes to bed with one every single night.

She has many scars from the skin picking, cracks her knuckles beyond comfortable for anyone sitting in the room with her (I’m still not convinced she doesn’t choose to do these things in front of us because it gets our attention after the thousandth time she cracks or chews her fingers.)

At nine she was very anti BM in our presence, calling me a “better mom” all the time, saying she wished I was her mom, and hanging on me endlessly, once again beyond my comfort level. She seemed at times to not know where I stopped and she began. I saw an IM to her GF once asking her to call her “Z” because she was choosing it as her nickname.

During that time, I now know I was being idolized and BM and DH were taking turns on the vilified spectrum. Over the past four years we have continued to be placed and juggled around on those various pedestals, and tossed off again.

Be careful with this SD and her reactivity. I mention this only because you stated that she reacted much more extremely than her older sister. And if SD 9 sees it gets a lot of sympathy and attention (and I know it’s very hard not to give it when these dramatic events occur) she may start to like it.

My SD triangulated all of us, her three parents (sometimes 4 if BM was marrying one of her BFs that week) to see who would bite her bait, who would bow down to her current list of wants vs. needs. And she played us all. She even had DH and I convinced that her mom’s (now ex?) F hated her, was mean to her, etc. A few years ago we were able to talk to him a few times without BM around, and to his exW (their daughter went to school with my son) and SD was exaggerating about him, or buying into her mom’s issues in the relationship with him, or a combo of both.

But BM was her easiest victim. They feed off each other. And are both so easily manipulated by ego stroking, even though they honestly think all the rest of us are at their whim.

I hope I’m not coming across too negative. I know you love your SKs. I also know that you still like them per our conversation this morning. And I know you hope for the best for them, for them all to overcome. But be very careful of allowing your nurturing nature to get sucked into this cyclical drama. I know you’re wary of BM. But your SKs could be landing close to the tree, regardless of your best intentions and instincts. You may need to approach them each differently, depending on their reaction to their mom's illness.

many many hugs to you my friend. I was where you stand, but...

with only one SK.

You are in my thoughts

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Zen..

I was hoping you would NOT reply.

Only because I feared that you saw parallels.

This is my little one who changes her tone to a pathetic, almost inaudible level when her mom calls on the phone.

In the last two months has visited the dr. (always while at BM's) for growing pains, headaches, stomach aches and even pigeon toes.

She has also been my fibber...always stretching the truth a little.

She, however, does not idolize. She does not triangulate. She loves DH very much and she always has been more than tolerable of her SM. I joke with all the kids and call her my 'favorite' because she is so accomodating. She does not fight with her sisters or her stepbrothers...she is my little peacemaker.

My own personal uneducated-good-for-nothing assessment? It's the BF. He really is a piece of crap(that's me being as considerate as my trucker mouth will allow) and I feel like she is projecting her anger and frustration only as a confused nine year old knows how.

She also is quite independent. Even adamantly attempting to step out of her older sister's shadow.

I don't know.

The whole ordeal is so out of character for her and I just don't want her to wage this war if there is ANYTHING I could do to help prevent it.

Zen, what could have been done differently? How can I help diverge the disaster?

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I would just make sure you stay consistent

Like you have been. Show normal like you and DH can. And then if any of your SKs turn on you one day, you can really know that you didn't change how you related to them- they did.

As far as avoiding it, I'm not sure there's a way. I used to think so, but we've done everything we could and the inevitable seems to be happening. Not every child of a BPD will become BPD. Not every BPD has a BPD parent. But there is a chance.

My best advice and the part I know we did the most right, was therapy for SD. At least hopefully she will consider it ok to seek help when her child, spouse, friend asks her to. Never a guarantee unfortunately.

It's funny you mention peacekeeper. I remember when my SD met my sons they got into a brotherly spat and she looked at me smiling and shrugging like "I never had brothers, how can I fix this?" I told DH that I thought SD would be peacekeeping. But I'm not as fortunate as you there. SD is a highly divisive person who thrives on creating chaos.

Sorry if my post was upsetting. I do see parallels. But I don't know that predicts anything. That's why the diagnosis is so hard. Kids react the way BPDs do.

But as Eggshells says about everything BPDs do, think, feel, react... they are the same as other people...only MORE so.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Zen..

Oops Click happy...

i just wanted to say that u ladies, CG and zen

are unbelievable...what u both go thru w ur skids, the love and compassion youve shown...wow. it just leaves me speechless. u are my idol stepmoms...big hugs

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Thanks Bella

Perhaps when the reality show called "SM Idol" is launched we can be contestants!!!!

I just keep keepin' on. Doin' time now. Waiting for something to get better or worse. But this dragging on the same day in and day out is really wearing on me.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Zen's by far more patient...

than I. You'd win for sure.

My skids are quite bearable. It's their friggin' mom that is not. And trust me, I was not always this way.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Out of the mouth of babes often comes ..... truth.

Colorado,

My prayers are with you and your family on this. My SS's Bio-Dad is just an idiot but not ill. His decisions are entirely his own and not one has been a good one in the past 14yrs I have been StepDad. I could not imagine dealing with the situation you address every day. You are truly a great person.

I understand that the BM is not well. Thought tragic and sad the kids do not need that in their lives. No kid should have to deal with a toxic parent.

Has your DH initiated any type of full custody effort and supervised visitation with their BM? Until she obtains treatment and is stable BM has no business having uncontrolled access to the kids.

I know, I may sound harsh but bio-parent or not kids should not have to deal with what your SD's are having to deal with.

Though it would not be tolerable to BM a petition to the court from the perspective of being in the best interest of the children could allow you and Dad to take the kids and force her to choose to get the help she needs.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck and best regards,

If only it were that simple...

"I know, I may sound harsh but bio-parent or not kids should not have to deal with what your SD's are having to deal with."

You're right...but it's the sad truth. They HAVE to deal with it. I can't just take them away (regardless of what you think, one can't just walk into a courtroom and obtain custody because the other parent suffers from a mental illness.)

She is on meds and that seems to be sufficient enough. Just because you and I hold a different standard for parents...the State of Colorado tends to lean towards mediocrity.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Mediocrity? - States want to keep as many in limbo as they can.

Colorado,

I wish the state Family Laws and Courts were only as dangerous as they would be if mediocrity was their target. They are down right manipulative with nothing more as their motivator than keeping as many kids and families as possible in Family Court limbo.

The more cases they have in the system the more federal subsidy $s they get. They are not interested in doing the right thing for kids. They are only interested in justifying their own bottom 10%er existence.

In most custody/visitation/support cases there is a right side and a wrong side. In very few are both sides truly equally healthy for the children. Courts do not care about what is right for the kids only perpetuating the unstable situation to keep families in the system until all of the kids involved age out from under the control of the courts.

In our case my wife is the CP (Custodial Parent) and we receive CS from Bio-Dad. Thought we benefit financially from the situation I can more than see how BD is getting hosed on this deal and my SS is being jerked around by being forced to have visitation with a family that is truly unhealthy for his character development and self esteem. But, the courts won't do what is right, only what keeps both sides under their statistical data so that they can get Fed $'s.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

I'm not sure...

I feel as political as you.

I think my opinion of the 'justice' of the courts is more along the lines of true objectiveness and gender bias. I think the precedence has been set that mom's are the primary caretakers and dad's inherit the finacial burden only. I think too much 'power' is handed to the custodial mother once they are awarded custody based solely on the fact that they are the mother.

We fought a valiant fight and I could bore everyone once again with my horror stories of BM and her inability to mother these girls properly...but that's all it would be, a redundant tale of woe. So instead I'm trying to absorb what information I can to better the situation instead of trying to astronomically change it, because I simply just can not.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I think it's an overwhelmed outdated system

I agree that I don't think there's an ulterior motive of job justification. That seems to be a common complaint among any gov't positions, but in my county in particular, they just let go of all but 2 public defenders because they don't have cash to retain them. This is horrible news.

Family court's the same. Tapped out, no dollars to help poor families, keep the kids with the parents unless they are burning them with cigarettes. Even in our case, who knows what the judge would have done? BM caved because the GAL loaded her report with psych references about BM, that came from SD's psychologist. I am relatively sure the judge would have requested a psych eval and that's why BM conceded after a year of pretrials, the night before the actual trial date. Otherwise who knows how long our case would have dragged on.

I feel that the courts are so worried about preserving parental relationship rights, that they can't bare to make a decision. Therefore they continue to drag out cases that aren't completely black and white, until one or both parties cave in and reach an agreement because they're broke.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

IMHO it should not be about parental rights, it is kids rights.

IMHO parental rights are secondary to the best interest of the children. It may not be fair but it should be.......

When a marriage ends or a child is born out of wedlock all bets should be off on who gets the nod and the best person for the job of parent should be awarded custody. Male, Female or the family pet (JJOC) whoever is best suited to provide for the best interests of the child(physical, mental, emotional, medical, educational, moral, etc...).

If the NC parent is worthy (if it is in the best interest of the child(ren)) then visitation should apply. If the NC parent is toxic, garnish their wages for CS and keep them away from the kid(s). Just because a person is ruled to be inappropriate as a parent should not abdicate that person from accountability to support the child they helped bring in to this world. If supervised visitation is in order,fine. The situation can be reviewed periodically to make changes due to changing events and circumstances. If both parents are equally worthy then joint physical/legal should be awarded.

Again, it is not about the adults it is about the kids.

If neither parent is adequate or worthy then the kid should go to GrandMa/GrandPa, etc..... or placed under adoption. Whatever solution minimizes negative impact to the child.

I know, kind of a Nazi perspective on my part but it really should be ONLY about the kids. IMHO of course.

Good luck and best regards,

I agree with the logic, but...

Who decides who is toxic?

I think back to my parents. Imperfect. Flawed. And I never wanted to turn out exactly like either of them (though am helplessly like my mom, and now that I'm a grown up I see that as a good thing.) My dad is terribly OCD. I am too. I have control over it, he does not. Still. But he loves me, even if I many times went without nice newer things because he is a garage sale/auction flea market a-holic, who can't drive past one the way an alcoholic can't pass up a bar.

At times I was embarrassed of my second hand store clothes, Kmart at best. At times I didn't understand why he bought and hoarded all that stuff, so that I didn't want to have friends over.

But as I said, a day or week rarely went by that he didn't hug me, say he loved me, or try to when I was too angry with him to accept it from him.

He used a belt on my brothers, not really me that I remember. Some would call that abusive now, but then most parents did it. It really did hurt him more than us.

He still can't carry on a civil conversation that doesn't turn into a heated debate he has to win (even if you are trying to agree with him, or it's over something I do actually know more about like theatre (BA) or ophthalmology (6 years as an ophthalmic asst.) But he will still attempt to convince me that Renee Zellwieger is really Lauren Joey Adams...or that you can get glaucoma if you open your microwave while it's still running.

He is ill. Really. Has 3 houses too full to walk in (his where I grew up, my maternal GF's that my mom refuses to sell, and another house with four car garage workshop purchased simply for storage.) He runs all over town to these places mowing lawns and trimming hedges. Killing himself at almost 70.

My mom finally moved out about 5 years ago to a duplex, but never divorced him. When she had double knee surgery he stayed to help her and hasn't left since. Now he's living there. He doesn't bring much stuff there though. She is adamant and he somehow is respecting that boundary because it's "her" apartment.

When he dies my brother and sister and I will be stuck digging out. I can't have things I want from the house, like the piano my GPs bought us to learn on, or the collectible dolls she gave before she passed away. Because he can't find them under all the stuff.

I say all this because I don't think we can say that even my SD should never see or spend time with her mom. I don't think, barring severe abuse, that kids should be taken away. Sometimes, even if we are cursed with the same genetically predisposed flaws as our parents...no ESPECIALLY if we are, we become healthier than then by seeing them go through it, and then being able to recognize the behavior and do something about it.

I think that whole other argument "it's all about the kids" is a dangerous one too. I grew up knowing (for good reasons- totally physically disabled brother) that I was not the most important person in my family. That everyone was equally important, and equally fragile in life.

If my parents had divorced, and believe me I wanted them to, I would have simply blamed and hated my father my whole life. I don't think I would have been able to realize that he was a better father than he was shown (by his abusive chauvinistic, alcoholic father.) I would never have seen that I shouldn't have blamed him for my mother's unhappiness because she chose to stay.

I would have never had to go stay with him because I didn't want to.

I don't know that is always the best answer. With my own SD, I think she would actually elevate BM as supermom, if not given constant reassurance by real life interactions that BM is in fact NOT super.

Sorry to go off topic a little. Just my humble real life experience with mental illnesses opinion.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Supermom

"I don't know that is always the best answer. With my own SD, I think she would actually elevate BM as supermom, if not given constant reassurance by real life interactions that BM is in fact NOT super."

When cycling....BM IS supermom. So when the downswing comes and the girls are pushed to the side, it hurts that much more. These kids know that their mom has the capability to be a good mom. So when she chooses NOT to be...they just can't grasp why it's not their fault.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

SD's BM used to do that too

Now that she doesn't see her as much, and I believe is tapped out financially, AND SD is attacking and insulting her aggressively, I believe "Super"mom is over. Like you said though it's a cyclical thing. BM usually seems to come crashing down away from SD in the late summer/early fall, then starts swinging up with endless material bliss and boundless age inappropriate rules.

So I definitely get what you're saying here.

But...
I have also seen how SD convinces herself that her mom is better than us, when the interaction between them has been non-existent. It's as if the unstable behavior doesn't exist when SD and BM's relationship is phone/email only. Then it's all fake "I love you" "I miss you so much" stuff. It seems to me with both of them being BPD/BP, that superficial things are more comfortable than anything deep and sincere. They see that as a weakness that others will use to hurt and abuse them.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

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