Feeling Down Today
I just want to know if anyone else feels this way.
Even though BF and I have been together for about 4 years, I still don’t feel apart of the family.
I have an ex husband who I longer see or talk to, we had no children together so we both went our separate ways.
BF has 3 sons from his previous relationship. The eldest son (13) lives with us and the other 2 with BM.
We have all 3 skids every Friday and EOW from Friday through to Sunday evening. During these times I don’t feel like a part of our family.
I always feel like the 3rd wheel so to speak. I don’t even know how to explain it. All I know is I don’t feel like one big happy family and it’s really getting me down. I always feel out of place.
Does anyone else feel this way too?
- KeepsGettingBetter's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Maybe you want to be
Maybe you want to be married?
Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD
Run like Hell!
My advice to you is to run from this situation, not today but yesterday!
As a step parent to two unhappy, miserable boys who made my life hell, I am telling you...it is not worth it!
Even thought I love the dad to pieces, if I had to do it all over again, I would not marry him.
He had custody of his children as the BIO-MOM walked out on him and the boys, "TO GO FIND HERSELF", and become a career college student (on the Government dime) in her late twenties.
Years later she became an Episcopal Rev. Rewritting history she is now super saint-Mom while I, the one that made them do homework, go to school, sat up with them when they were sick, made them act respectively to others and who always was there for them as she did not want custody or any responsibility, took it all on the chin.
Even thought I made all the sacrafices and she made none, I am the bad one. On my back she went to school, married a younger man, adopted a child of her own and rewrote history as she had no responsibility because I was raising her kids.
Do these boys (now in their twenties) appreaciate any of it...NO!
They don't have a clue, yet she is the one they care about now. I have cried many tears, but I am now beginning not to care.
Think about being with someone very hard who has custody of children....trust me, you will be spit on by them in the end.
Dani, can you give us a
Dani, can you give us a specific example of what makes you feel this way or intensifies these feelings? I haven't even met the skids yet, and I often feel less important to FH because he has to type his notes from his visits or email his lawyer or the CFI. But, we talk about it. We had a big fight last weekend because we haven't been on any kind of a date in months. I was being a bit of a baby about how I was trying to tell him how I felt, but he finally got it when I told him I felt like I was begging for him to spend some time with me. And, I don't like to beg. It doesn't sit well. I've had a date since then, and we have scheduled a weekend away. And, he said he's going to make more time for me. Have you talked to him about how you feel?
To every thing there is a season.
Why?
Does your BF only concentrate on the skids and does not include you. Is everything about what they want to do and you are not included in the decisions. Do the skids not really talk to you? Let us know a little more what you mean. Thanks!
I will try to explain as best I can
I have spoken to BF and tried to explain that I feel like he has a one life with me, one with the skids and one with skids and BM. BF thinks I'm just being silly and maybe I am but I can't help how I feel.
For the last 4 years I havn't been allowed to attend or take part in any fuctions that involves the skids (eg: school plays, funerals, graduations (that was the hardest to miss) the lot. BM has said that if I turn up she will make the biggest scene and I couldn't put my skids through that as it would only ruin their night and they will only blame me for coming. So that BF's life with skids and BM.
When we have the skids over the weekends, it's not that i'm excluded but it's the 3rd wheel feeling. They skids don't care if I'm there or not (only BF does), my opinion doesn't matter, what I want is bad luck if the skids don't want to do it, if they want to play a game I never get asked only BF does.
I organise all b'day presants, xmas presants, b'day parties, always making cakes, never a thank you only BF gets the thank you (BF does remind them to thank me as well but the 2 older skids 10 and 13 should know better but choose to still not do it)
We had the skids for my birthday in October and they knew it was my birthday, not 1 happy birthday, not 1 DIY card (i don't expect a presant or anything, but at least a happy birthday)the skids totally ignored the fact it was my birthday, I was so upset and felt so unappreciated that day.
Anabihibik - I feel the same way as well. I am always telling BF that we don't spend enough quality time together. Even when we all (skids as well) went away for a long weekend I would go out side for a smoke and ask BF to come as well (he is a smoker also) so we can chat but he decided to stay on the couch watching tv rather than coming out to chat with me for 10 min after a long day of activities with the skids. I have explained that it has upset me and he tries to make an improvement but it usually only last for about a week tops.
Ema - When the skids are over, yes BF does only concentrate on them and just expects me to tag along if he has made plans, weather I want to go or not, I have to. As for big decisions, I only get included if BF remembers to tell me otherwise it's suprise I've just put a deposit on a car, I've just inrolled in a course, I'm refinancing the house (it's his house not ours yet).
I hope I have explained myself a little better now. It's such a horrible feeling to feel out of place in what is supposed to be my family.
D - I am so sorry
I'm so sorry honey that you are going through this. 4 years is long enough to put up with this crap. This is not anyone's fault but your BF's. He is not putting his foot down with the BM and the skids. You should be included in every decision that goes on - it is not HIS house - yes he may own it but it is YOUR house and you have a say. Do you want to continue to live your life this way and be miserable. YOU count for something you know that right? You should be able to go to everything that your BF goes to regarding the skids and if BM doesn't like it let her have a fit and make a scene in front of everyone - she will look like a jealous fool. Does your BF not want you to go is that what the problem is? Because let me tell you if he does not then he is telling you he does not want you to be part of his life - he is only giving you a small part of himself and as you stated he has two other lives going on. I went through this and now we are down to just one life. OURS. Would your BF consider going to couples counseling. Would you consider going on your own? You are NOT WRONG. Sometimes it just takes a 3rd party to make a guy see how stupid they are being. I was ready to dump my FH over the BM and her BS but I asked him if he would go to couples counseling. I figured if he said no then I knew that he was not the man for me and did not want to fight for our relationship but if he said yes then there was hope. He did say yes and it was HARD but I will tell you after two months of therapy he told me one night EMA Thank you for bringing me here, and thank you for being by my side. Our relationship could not be better BUT no pain no gain. Ask yourself if it is worth it and make your decision from there. We are all here for you and we all support you. If you want to pm me please do. I'm not on as often as I like but I will get back to you. If if you want to just vent for a really long time because I bet you have a LOT TO SAY. Take care of YOU!
Thank you for your comments,
Thank you for your comments, it is very much appreciated. BF does want me to go to fuctions that involves the skids and he has had many arguments with BM over this especially when it came to one of the skids grauation, that was actually the last straw and he warned BM that night that next time I will be there weather she likes it or not, but there hasn't been any fuction since, so I'll just wait and see what happens with that one.
BF does stick up for me when it comes to BM but as I'm sure you know sometimes it's best to just bite the bullet and be the better person especially when BM tells the skids that if I go then she wont, so natually the skids would much prefer their mother to be there rather than me.
My birthday was in a way BF fault even though I think that SS13 and SS10 are old enough to know to wish someone a happy birthday considering it's there mothers birthday in a weeks time and SS13 is already making BM a B'Day card. BF was actually working that morning so I didn't see him until I had already dropped off the skids so he didn't get a chance to tell them off that day but he knows he should of at least spoken to them the day before and remind them that my birthday is the next day even though the skids remembered that morning when my phone was ringing non stop from people wishing me happy birthday and all the skids said was "oh yeah I thought it was your birthday today" and that's it, gee thanks :(.
Recently we have been speaking about going to see someone together as BF can see that I'm not happy and he wants the relationship to work but I have suggested that I may do some sessions on my own first before we look into doing it as a couple, so i'll see how I go.
I'm just more worried that I'm falling into a big depression state and don't know how to pull myself out of it. Everytime I pick myself up something seems to push me down again and now everything is pushing me down quicker than I can get up.
Not sure what's wrong with me.
I think this is how it is
I think this is how it is because this is how it's been allowed to be. So, you can let it continue and go do your own thing when the skids are around OR you can push to start changing it with baby steps. Don't expect it to change all at once or for him to get it right away. If you can make him think it was his idea, more power to you. But, when the skids ask him to play a game, maybe if he thought to have them ask you, too, it would feel better. And, their mom needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions. If she wants to create a scene, then let her look like the fool. One or two times of looking like an idiot, and she'll probably back down. I'm all about counseling, too. Sometimes, it's the only place we can talk to each other like adults cause we're both so stubborn. It can help to have a mediator to help you relay what you're trying to say and relay what he's trying to say. It's like an extra brain to help you phrase things that are hard to phrase when you're emotional. I totally agree with ema.
To every thing there is a season.
I used to be you
I was terrified of being a SM at first. I was so scared because the boys are young teens and it's different trying to bond with them as opposed to a young child...they're moody and hormonal and have years of parental programming that may make it harder for them to be nice to "the other woman" or whatever bm's think of us.
But I went really slowly just not having any expectations. The only thing I promised myself was that I would just try to get along wtih them. I never imagined I would love them...the youngest is just like a mini version of his mother the Troll...so I figured since she hates me he'll hate me too.
It was hard at first because we didn't know each other and I felt like an outsider alot...ok, most of the time. We'd do things like go to ballgames and stuff as a family. When H got put on the night shift, that meant I was left with the kids alone at night...before we'd go to work/school in the day and all of us would be home at night...but then I wound up alone with them at night. That was kinda scary. But it really was the best thing to happen. We had to learn to depend on one another and have our own relationship, separate from the one we all have with H...does that make some kinda sense? We were able to bond as a family just the three of us.
I really get kinda teary writing this...ss12 cuddles me now and hugs me and has made an effort to be affectionate with me. I demonstrated love to them by the way I got along, but I wasn't at all touchy feely because I have abuse issues of my own so I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable like I had been in my own life. But he reached out to meet me half way and everything has just blossomed. They both come to me for cuddles and to fix them when they're scraped up. And when i ask them to do something they do it,unlike for bm and h. I can honestly say I truly love them like they are my own now.
The thing is if you can find something they like and talk about it with them, ask about it, they will bond to you more. It's hard work, believe me I've been where you are. Sometimes even now i'll have a mini pity-party for myself because I will feel excluded...but I remind myself that they love me as much as their bioparents just in a different way...if that makes sense. When i feel excluded, I make an effort to try to re-insert myself into things. Kids really like it when you make an effort to be involved in their lives. They are the kid, you know, it's up to us the adult to try to fix the relationship because we're older, know more, and have better tools to make it work.
I know you can do it and things will get better. Just go easy on yourself and let things develop naturally. And if you find that you can't push yourself harder into their lives, then take some time to recharge by doing things you like to do and with your bf so the two of you can reconnect. You don't have to feel alone.
Hugs