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should I feel this way?

sarahbernheart's picture

Ok call me bad but I looked on my FH cell phone, seems like the man who hated cell phones and hating TEXTING even more has suddenly become cell phone friendly and texts all the time now. So since he has proven to be less then honest on some occasions I checked out his text messages late last night. Seems he and his 16 yr daughter have become text buddies, now this man never TEXTS me and when I text him I never get a response, so as I read thru them they start to make me sick, stuff like oh hunnie daddy loves you and tell daddy what you need bla bla bla bla it almost made me feel as though he is cheating on me.
also seems that his daughter didnt have school today and texted her daddy (sarcasm) last night to ask him to take them to lunch ..well guess what daddeee(sarcasm) tells me "seems kids are out of school for friday and want me to take them to lunch" I said I thought you were coming up north with me, since I work almost an hour away and the other shop he works at is close. he said well I told SD that I would talk to you (sarahb)first then get back with her but guess what after my little snooping seems he had already told SD that he would take them out at 1:30 WITHOUT discussing it with me,FIRST. plus I have found out a few other tidbits that I would type but suffice it to say, I feel jealous and angry and betrayed
I left this morning WITHOUT one discussion about him coming with me to work, NOT a word to me about taking kids to lunch.

thanks all for reading my tale. I know it seems petty but I sit here sick to my stomach.
SB

Comments

KittyKat's picture

I would be LIVID, SB....honestly, in reading your
blog and others, I think all these Hs are off their
rocker of late.

Is it ofical treat your wife like SH*T week or what?
It SUX in this case to know we're not alone; question
is, how much longer can we put up with this blatent
LACK OF RESPECT??!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

sarahbernheart's picture

that means he would have to tell her NO..
good gawd he can not even stand to tell her to eat something at home if she decides she wants fast food. she will sulk and poor daddy can not stand to see her mad at him.
ugh.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

lil_teapot's picture

and if you are too, just let it go. Do exactly what you want when you want to do it and don't report to anyone. When he asks you to do something, have other plans...if he wants you to take his kid somewhere, say no I'm busy (in a nice way of course). Be very very nice, but do exactly what you please. Act as though they don't exist. Not getting sucked into the drama feels great. Plus you are getting to do what you want. The less interested you seem in the whole drama thing the more they'll try to pull you in.
You are worth more than this. You deserve better than to be treated like this.

bellacita's picture

im hearing more and more about this recently and i dont get it. children are children, not lovers so why do some men traet their daughters almost as such? not suggesting anything incestous, but still...the behavior is out of line. i agree w lil_teapot...let it go and stop being available for him.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

now4teens's picture

It sounds horrible, but sometimes it seems like the ONLY way I can know what is going on between DH and his Princesses (especially SD16) is by reading his text messages.
Just last week, SD16 left him a text, asking DH to pick her and a friend up from play practice because BM refused to last minute (of course) leaving them stranded at school- and the friend's mom couldn't.

DH did. And he got home late and didn't tell me why. Here I was feeling SORRY for the man that he had an extra long day AT WORK, but come to find out (only through snooping) that he left work EARLY to go and pick up SD16 on a day when he was not supposed to- being BMs chauffeur once again.

When I found out about this (4 days later) I confronted him and asked him why he didn't tell me about it. He told me he "didn't want to get me upset."

Upset? Of course I'm upset! I thought we AGREED that we weren't going to play chauffeur for BM anymore just because she was too freakin' lazy to fulfill her responsibilities on her custody days. So WTF???

And upset that the ONLY way I found out about it was by resoourting to snooping. Is this what our marriage has come to?

So, yes, Sarahb, I completely understand your feelings on this one!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

sarahbernheart's picture

you dont know what it means to me to read your post.
I feel awful for some many reasons, but how do I confront him when I found this stuff out from snooping. ( oh and it isnt the first time either (evil grin)
another thing too is I found out that she is supposed to go to florida for spring break and guess what daddy warbucks told his little princess...daddy will help you pay for it?? WTF? he can barely afford to pay the bills plus a wedding plus house repairs?
when do you think I am going to find out about that one..oh wait NEVER!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

now4teens's picture

That's a tough one! I know that very scenario is in my future, too. Daddy handing over stacks of cash for all 3 SDs behind my back. Ok, he CAN afford to give it to them, and it is HIS money, but that's NOT the point...

The point is, WHEN DOES IT END?????
We're already paying for 100% of their private HS tuitions (15K/yr), plus all expenses related, plus all activities, plus a car & all related expenses, plus now 100% of oldest SDs college @52K+/yr.

Then there's weddings, first houses, and more...more...more...
I mean, DH has money, but he's not a 24-hr Bank of America!!!

But I digress...
DH once challenged me about the cell phone snooping. I told him that he could be mad at me all he wanted, because the fact was, I had a hunch that he was keeping things from me- and I was indeed CORRECT. And I think the one he's really mad at is HIMSELF, because he knows that keeping these things from me is WRONG.

So if it comes down to confronting him with it, maybe you can try that approach with him. Of course he'll try to lay the blame on YOU for snooping, but the point is- you had a reason to check...and you were RIGHT!!!

And at that point, you can bring up the FLorida trip. And then tell him that until he proves that he can be 100% truthful and honest with you, you might very well continue to check his phone.

Trust is EARNED- not deserved.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

sarahbernheart's picture

I dont make myself available for his kids. i disengaged a long time ago, it just feels icky that one. they text ALL the time and its luv this and luv that.. i miss you this and oh hunnie that-
then to make plans with them without me and then lying to me about it.
I had it.
I can not even talk to him right now.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

now4teens's picture

It feels like you are purposely being kept out of something "special" and "secretive". Like a little inside joke that only they share. It's childish and immature- like something 7th grade girls do!

And no wife should be made to feel like that by her husband.
I'm so sorry it's happening to you Sad

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

sarahbernheart's picture

I know this is a common thread with alot of these disney dads.
One reason I am on here is for the support and the knowledge that I am not alone, misery does love company.
he has sent me several emails asking why I wont return his calls or his emails, I can not talk to him plus I really dont even know what to say.
thanks again for all the advice and concern!!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

sarahbernheart's picture

why does he feel the need to keep me out of the loop. I mean if he had just been honest about the whole situation I would not have even bothered looking at his phone, but ya know us women we have a 6th sense and I had a feeling he was being less then honest.
and I was right.
I have asked over and over (no begged)to please just be honest with me.
side story
he told me one time that he had run out of gas and would be running late, however I found out that he went and picked up his BD and took her to dinner.
he totally blamed me said he lied cuz he knew I would be upset OR this is even better that I make him feel like he is not allowed to talk to his daughter..yes folks you heard it here!
so you see this is a running theme for us.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

sarahbernheart's picture

you are so right I think I will comfront him but not today my hurt is too new and my anger too fresh.
you are awesome -secret little world that is so on the nose.

thanks

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

bellacita's picture

i was actually gonna suggest that, but had to work for a minute so she beat me to it Wink

confront him bc he has no rite to get mad at u for going behind his back and not trusting him when he is doing the same thing to U! so whats he gonna say??? and who cares what he says? u deserve sooooo much better than this sarah

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

northernsiren's picture

also agreed, don't let him make this about you! They are separate issues entirely, and his lie is not to be glossed over...

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

alanna's picture

remind him he has vowed to be with you 'til death, and it can either be heaven or hell! kids grow up, move away, have their own families. but he's going to grow old right by your side. it's great he has a strong relationship w/ his daughter, but HELLO! if he made plans with you first, he should get your permission to change them. i don't mean to sound controlling to any men out there, i'm SO NOT! but that is BEYOND RUDE! it's down right hurtful and inconsiderate, child or not, YOUR HIS WIFE! why does that stop to matter to our SOs so often? roles reversed you'd probably never hear the end of it, am I right?

sarahbernheart's picture

plus to lie to me about it is even worse, that is what hurts the most that he tried to make me feel like what I had to say mattered but in essence it is all an act.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Sita Tara's picture

I'm with Vic. Tell him you smelled a rat and looked for it. If it were me I would say, "Hey- I noticed all this texting on your phone. I know you hate texting so I actually thought maybe one of the kids was doing it without permission..."

I think your FH does have boundary issues with SD. I think though, that most of us SMs struggle with our boundaries even more. I'm about to post on that one myself.

I think I would sit FH down and say..

I am letting you know that I realized I wasn't asserting my needs enough here. When we have plans and you change them for SD, then tell me that you told her you'd have to check with me first, but had already told her yes...

you are taking my feelings for granted. And I don't think that's acceptable."

I understand how you feel to a degree. I think all of us need a workshop on the boundary thing. I picked up a book on the topic on my way back from SWs cabin. It's kind of hokey at times, but there's some good stuff in there.

I hope your FH gets this when you talk to him SB. It's so frustrating. My DH gets stuff, but sometimes the discussion is heated and tense, then he has to go somewhere else to absorb it. He feels stuck in the middle of SD and me all the time, and I'm sure that's not a comfortable place to be.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Tara12's picture

I was uncomfortable with doing this myself before but we as women just KNOW when something is not right. I checked my FHs cell phone 4 months and his on-line bill and low and behold he was paying for the BMs phone who was calling him 40 to 50 times a month. So I got all that mess out of the way. He accused me of snooping and I said SO WHAT. I don't care you shouldn't have acted so dishonest and shady in the first place then I wouldn't have had to turn in to a flippin Jr Detective. I said we are a couple and you can look at my phone, mail, email, whatever I don't have anything to hide. My DH had a problem with SD before calling her pet names like how he would call me as well. He would call her baby and sweetie. We were together one time and he said hey sweetie look at this and me and SD both turned around and I said to both of them ewwww your daddy calls you that like you are his g/f or something that is so gross. You must be so embrassed and she was like oh yeah dad can you stop calling me that. I told my FH - when you call SD those little pet names it is really kinda sick since you call me the person you sleep with those names every night - I said you sound so perverted. He never called her anything after that but her name. Anyways sorry to go off on that tangent but DO NOT BE AFRAID TO CONFRONT HIM WITH THIS SHIT. YOU TWO ARE A COUPLE not him and SD. All this stuff I have been reading about with daddies and the girls have been sounding so incestal it is making me pretty grossed out!

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

My h's relationship with SD17, as many of you already know, makes me sick. It's gotten to the point that I hate even hearing her name-which he rarely calls her, preferring to refer to her as Babe. Crap, last nite he and I were in a store together, she calls, he anwsers, and making his voice go real deep says "Hellllo, Darrrrlin'". And, oh yes, they send pictures back and forth on their phones, private, texts, all the same crap.

Had a huge fight with H today=he spent all day yesterday complaining and critsizing me-first-I'd fixed my hair-so he acted like he was crying because I straightened it. Then, oh let's see-oh, one of the salt shakers got moisture in it-of course, my fault, then it was the trash can. I keep it (always have) by the back door, two steps down from the kitchen. He wants it in the kitchen. (I have a small kitchen). So, since I had put it by the back door, he throws the trash (above mentioned salt shaker & a carton of eggshells) on the floor-and leaves it there for me to clean up. All he did was lay around-again, sleep, watch TV. Eat. Talk to his darlin' SD17 on the phone. We had it out. My blood is still up from it-I told him if he didn't want to be married to get the hell out of my house. That felt so good. So then he says Well! what's mine-I'm takin it (couch, bed, tv, dining set, pots & pans) and I just told that a$$whole that he's not taking a thing out of here until he brings my things back from the apartment (my couch, my easy chair, my TV). Course then he's all mad again, saying that's what wrong here; you have the power to kick me out if you want to. Because this is your parents house.

Well, girls, this is my parents house. And he gets to live here with no rent, no house payment. How many of you would like that? Live rent and payment free? And you know what? I may never get to go back to school-but I will find a job. And save a few bucks, payoff a bill or two, then if he doesn't change 100%, I will kick him out. Along with his precious SD17.

Sorry. Total Rant. I think I'm beginning to hate him.

now4teens's picture

What is WRONG with this man?? It seems like his behavior is getting increasingly bizarre and erratic. Or could it be because you are starting to be more vocal with him about his inappropriate relationship between him and his daughter?

Well, although I am glad you are starting to stand up for yourself, I am also concerned for your safety. With him acting in such bizarre ways, I just want to make sure that you stay safe at all times. I am worried for you, hon. I think you once mentioned that you thought he was a narcissistic personality (was that you?).

Well, if this is the case, if he even THINKS that he may be losing you, he may become increasingly more volatile in his actions, so I just want you to be on your guard with him.

You're in my constant thoughts!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

All I want to do is cry. But I won't give him the satisfaction. But it's hard. We're supposed to go to the Celine Dion Concert in Denver on Wednesday (I love her music), but I'm not even looking forward to it now. I don't want anything to do with him.:sad:

sarahbernheart's picture

I want to cry too, NO ONE deserves to be treated that way EVER-- kick his ass out!
let him go live with his little princess..babee.
well I want to thank ALL my friends here, I did confront FH and he was very apologetic about "lying" to me he did try to make excuses but I put a stop to it.
when we met up after work he brought me the most lovely flowers.
(ok I am a sucker) he agreed that he would be more open about conversations b/w him and his daughter.
I did also tell him I felt like he was cheating on me when I read what he sends to his daughter. he did not say much about that.
anyway I will need to press him about boundries like SiTa suggested.
you all gave me so much strength, I was so down but after all the support and suggestions I felt better and stronger.
you all ROCK
thanks
Sbh
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

now4teens's picture

Sometimes, it just takes that first converstion to open the door, Sarah. And now that you had it out with him and he knows where you stand, going forward it will be much easier for him to understand where you are coming from with regard to these issues with his daughter.

Maybe the next time he goes to take out his phone to text, he'll stop and think...and put the phone down.

Clearing the air is just what you needed with him and I'm glad you found the strength to do just that! Smile

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis