Oh dear, you made the number one mistake, you felt hurt for your husband, so you said something to his kids. DON'T. If your husband is hurt or disappointed by his kids, it is his place to say something to them, not yours. You saw yourself sticking up for dad, sd saw you overstepping the mark. She was actually right. Sorry, but it took me years to work out that was my first mistake, my second was putting up with emotional abuse from her and dh for too damn long.

Don't interfere in his relationship with his kids. If it sucks, let him fix it. It's his to fix. If they are rude to him, let him address it. If they are rude to you, give him two seconds to pull them into line f he doesn't, you address it. But keep well out of their stuff. You have learnt the consequences the hard way. If he is hurting over them, you can tell him your sorry they're not coming over, you know he must be really disappointed, etc.,but don't say anything about them or stick up for dh by having a go at them. This is how it always turns out, badly..for us.

Boundaries need to be set in place in every family. As adults in our own home I think we tend to forget we have boundaries to. You just crossed one of them, It's done now, you can't change it, just learn from it. If it gets brought up to be honest I think the quickest and easiest way out and to stop it escalating would be to own it. Say yes I said (a b or c), it wasn't my place to say anything sorry. And hopefully that will be he end of it.

But that being sad, never allow them to disrespect you in your own home. If your dh doesn't deal with it, you have to. That stuff eats you alive. You don't have to accept it, nor should you to keep the peace for dh. Don't make any waves for him, but make sure you don't tolerate disrespect for yourself.

If it weren't for FB, you probably wouldn't even know she said anything about it.

This is a chance you take when saying anything to the step kids. That it will be repeated, twisted, and turned around to make you the bad guy. You either have to accept that and not care, or not say anything.

Me, I have a big mouth and I have said what I thought to SD on occasion. I just did not give a flying rats ass who she repeated it to or how she twisted it. For the most part, I have stayed out of their relationship but every now and then....well, things just need to be said!

Now that you know, and you say that things have been building, maybe you and your DH just need to talk to her about the issues and be done with it.

Yeah, you made a "typical" step-parent mistake. You said something to the kid and the kid repeated it to the other parent (in this case, the aunt), except it got twisted and now you look like evil schmuck. Been there, done that.

In my case, I let my wife deal with it. When my SS wants to go somewhere else on our custody time, we allow it but within certain time restrictions and other parameters. It's all about placing boundaries. My SS knows now that anything he wants to do has to be planned way in advance. He can't just wake up one morning and say "I want to go see my cousin, aunt, go swimming, etc." He has to plan ahead, get permission and ABOVE ALL, make sure all his chores and studies are complete.

As for the stuff she wrote on her FB profile; I see this a lot with teens; to bitch about the things their parents say or did online. "My Dad says I'm grounded! FU DAD!!!" I personally liked that guy who shot up his 15-year-old daughter's laptop but even I wouldn't go to that extreme. Suffice to say that this is an issue that your DH needs to deal with. There are two issues (the way I see it) that needs to be addressed 1) your SD's lack of respect, and 2) the dangers of using FB as a personal venting outlet. Writing things in the heat of anger could have drastic repurcussions later. The internet never forgets.

They are getting ready to PAS out. What is happening is that the BM and her family are poisoning the children against dad and you so much so that they will start finding ways not to come over. National pickle day, the 17th BM family reunion of the year, camping with "friends" etc. etc.

Don't beat yourself up but what you did was the number one cardinal sin in the SM play book--you saw through the PAS ruse and called them on it. Of course they are conflicted. They know they are being unfairly poisoned against you and dad back home. But they aren't allow to confront it head on as it results in a state of cognitive dissonance.

I will say that calling them on the BS can be a helpful tool IF the skids are absolutely obnoxious at your house and IF biodad is a guilty daddy willing to look the other way and play the doormat.

whoops slow network/dup post

Also agree with Echo on the "kids opting out of father time" Guilty Daddy in my case didn't "want to be the terrible mean father that FORCED his kids to come over" He played loosey goosey with the non-existent schedule. Once the skids and the BM found out they could say "jump" and Guilty Daddy would respond with "how high?" it was all over. All three eventually PASed out under the age of 17. 6, 5 and 4 years respectively ages stb 17, stb 15 and 10 1/2.

If he wants his kids to PAS out, keep letting them and the BM meddle with the schedule and have a "father optional" plan. He should adhere to the CO and now allow the BM or skids to decide to opt out unless it is a DIRE emergency. And he should parallel parent the skids when at his house. Basically my house, my rules, your mom's house, her rules and ne'er the twain shall meet.

I agree with the others- what you said was a mistake many have made.

I saw a post on Facebook that seems kind of relevant. It talks about how kids feel about their parents at all stages of life. At the preteen/teen stage, they think "mom/dad is annoying." Then when they grow up, they realize the parents aren't so bad after all. Sd is at an age where she does want to do cool things with buddies. I'm sure pas is a factor here too.

You said "our relationship with bm is toxic." You shouldn't have a relationship with her. Dh had kids with her. They need to communicate. Bm isn't worth your time.

How do you know sd messaged her aunt? I think you handle the fb episode by unfriending and blocking sd.