okay so heres some background:

my BIL has 3 kids to his ex-wife and 1 daughter to his current wife. they have his kids on opposite wkends we have SD3. most of the family functions are planned for days when they have the kids, bc there are 3 of them and they do the celebrations at their house since its bigger than ours, and most of the time, due to the size of their family, the celebration is for one of them anyway, so naturally they would do it on wkends they have the kids.

today, SIL emails DH and i about xmas. she gives us the list of what the kids want, asks what my SKs want, and mentions a day to do the xmas gift exchange. asks if we will have SD. for those of u who dont know, we have custody of SS15 to DHs ex wife, they also have a S20 who lives on his own, and DH has SD3 to an ex-gf (the crazy BM i always talk about here). i mention that the date she proposes will work fine, we wont have SD that wkend but the following wkend is no good to move it to bc we will be out of town visiting my family in PA. (also would not work for them bc they will not have the 3 kids.) so that date would seem best option for everyone. she emails back and answers some questions and then says: "DH, would BM mind if we watched SD for u while u were away? we all miss her so much and we could take her to ur moms so she could spend some time w her too. not trying to cause trouble (um, okay) but we would love to spend time w her."

now, DH and i are baffled by this for several reasons: first of all, its not our fault that family functions happen when we dont have SD. its not as if we purposely have them when she is not w us. the email just drips w the insinuation that we dont bring her around the family enough. second, BM is not someone we can reason w. they dont have the relationship that we ask each other for favors. why? bc we have gotten BURNED in the past for it. either BM says no or will make us "pay" for the favor. so we stopped asking. we have a limited visitation, EOW only, and dont make a huge deal out of the holidays. for example, if we have her the wkend that a holiday follows, we just wait and celebrate w her then. she is w BM most of the time. maybe not good for some, but it works for us, especially considering the circumstances under which she was conceived (basically as a trap by BM) and everything that has happened since. BIL and SIL KNOW THIS, especially bc the last time we asked for a favor from BM on switching days it was bc of their kid and it led to the situation we have now where we cant ask for favors. thirdly, BM is a crazy beyotch. she never was involved w DHs family when they were together. she would take SD to her family and DH would bring SD to his...alone. they have had problems w BM and know what all she has done to us in the past year. its not as if they ever had a relationship w her that there is a history and would feel comfortable dealing directly w her. so why would they want to deal w her directly and take SD rite from BM?? fourth, they never ask us if they can see SD...so its not like we are holding her hostage away from them.

i know they just want to see her bc shes family and bc their daughter probably wants to play w her too BUT COME ON. i cannot believe they would even ASK us to ask that crazy witch for such a favor, and leave it up to them to deal w in our absence. so DH responds, (per my suggestion ;)): we dont get into that w her (BM). we have learned the hard way that we cannot do that kind of stuff w her. we will set something up for another time when we have(SD).

DH is so pissed. he knows that they know about the situation and cannot even believe they would ask such a thing. i am baffled too. its one thing to want to see SD more, but its quite another to suggest such a ridiculous thing. and "we all miss her so much"??? she is 3 and was never an active part of their family. i know its sad, the whole situation is, but it is what it is and we do the best we can. but its not like she was ever around much to miss, u know? the situation is handled but we are still kinda annoyed that she would even ask such a thing of us, knowing all of the above. grrrrrrr.