these people are "experts" or step parents. My DH and I parent our children together. Our own, and the step kids. We teach the kids that in our house we are thier parents. We may not be blood, but we are a family just the same and we love each and every person in our family as if we are blood and we won't disrespect anyone! When that line gets crossed, by my son, or his daughter, or our own (she's only 16 months so of course this hasn't happend) but when it does get crossed we will parent together. When I'm not home my son will listen to my DH. He's not his blood father, but here he's his dad. You know what I mean? My son knows his dad, loves him to death, only sees him about once a year, but regardless.....I'm not going to have him know that I'm the only one to make the rules.

You know why? When I'm not home and expect my DH to take care of my son he'll walk all over him. It wouldn't be that way if he were his blood father....why should it be that way just because my DH isn't his father?

And on the other hand, when my son goes to visit his father I fully expect him to listen, and respect his dad's girlfriend. If I were to find out he was being nasty to her he'd have hell to pay for it! Not because I like this one, or even know her...this is like the 15th girl he's met with his father. But regardless, my son needs to understand that when in someone else's house he will listen to thier rules, weather it's mine, his dads, his grandparents, his teachers, I don't care!

I don't know about the corporal punishment though. My son is 13 so he's past all that, unless it's absolutley necessary! But if something happened to me and DH, and my 16 month old was getting her hand slapped by his new girlfriend I'd be likley to kill her!! So I guess it depends on the age, the punishment in question and what not.

My SD is 14. If I tell her to get to her room and she refuses, I will pick her up and put her butt in her room! That's never happened, probably because she knows what the result would be. And if something like that went on between my son and his dads girlfriend I wouldn't be mad at her. I'd be mad at him for not listening to her in the first place.

Weather we are blood or not, we are the parent when the child is in our home. And we need to parent our children. All of them.

IMHO of course.

In our home my wife and parent our son (my SS). He knows that we speak with one voice (most of the time).

When I was growing up and being a snarky smug little PITA my mother would take care of the issue immediately. If I did not get my proverbial shit together in a hurry I would get the "wait until your father gets home". I fixed my issue long before Dad walked in the door or I entered the next level of hell as far as punishment is concerned. If you have every received RagsPop's lecture number 28-B (my brother and I harass my Dad endlessly about his infamous lectures these days) you have never received a lecture.

If my SS is getting completely obtuse and not getting the message from my efforts to correct or discipline I just tell him "wait until your mother gets home". That usually settles him down pretty quick. Of course I usually just throw him under the bus when his mom does get home anyway .......... just because I am an evil StepDad and enjoy watching my SS squirm. }:) JJOC.

So, my opinion is that parents in the home parent. Not one, all. A parents job is to be the confidante, advocate and disciplinarian not to be the maid/chef/buddy. Kids need to be held accountable for treating everyone in the home/family with basic respect and dignity. If they don't ...................... }:)

All IMHO of course.

Best regards,

It's more complicated than a non-blended family. I also think whether you have full or shared custody, or are NCP.

I became a better mom in many ways when I became a SM. I have never yelled (really raised my voice) or cursed at SD. My sons? Have heard me come out with expletives that could make a sailor blush. So after marrying DH when the boys really peeve me, I started trying to count to three for ME not just the kids. Now I think first "would I scream at SD for this?" The answer is always no. DH says in the Army they have a rule for using the radio-

Think. Push. Talk.

If you mess up the order, say push then think then talk, well hesitation kills your desired effect.
If you Talk, Push, Think, the other party misses your train of thought.
But worst of all is Push Talk Think. Especially with kids.

All that being said, DH is a- kids PUSH, DH SCREAMS, then everyone STEWS over it. Like a cartoon character, I keep expecting his face to turn bright red, and steam to come out of his ears. He didn't spend all those years in the Army without learning a fine level of projection.When we first met I told him I needed him to stop yelling at her like that. I said, "If you yelled like that at me I would cry and I am an adult." He said, "I would never yell like that at you." I responded, "Then think like I do when I am about to yell at the boys- I ask if I would yell at SD for the same thing." It worked for a while, but SD has become a master provoker.

I think that's not necessarily good for bio kids, but SKids in particular. My dad was loud too, but I still somehow knew he loved me deep down. I don't think that's true for SKs. They never really know if the SP loves them, you know? So you just can't yell.

I asked DH then, if he feels like the boys need "yelled at," please tell them "wait til your mother gets home" or if I am home come get me. I do that with SD too, part of disengaging. Interestingly enough, she listens better to me, especially if DH isn't home. She is a "triangulator" by nature, so in general she listens to either of us better when it's just one parent there.

We are a united front too. We agree on rules, and both work at letting go of somethings we think the other's kid(s) need to do our way. That's a tough one. But I feel it's crucial. So if SD's getting on my nerves for something, I tell him and let it go to his discretion to correct. If he feels she's been corrected excessively, and decides that particular thing can wait to be addressed til next time, then I have to release it. I still get upset when he asks what I think we should do, agrees with it, then doesn't follow through, but I still have to let it go. He is learning still. So am I.

He is working on doing the same for me with my sons. But in the moment, we always are united. If we disagree about it, we discuss it later away from the kids.

I've heard Dr Phil say that if the stepparent comes into the picture later in the kids life, like after the age of 3 or 4 that the real parent should be the PRIMARY disciplinarian...I agree with that. Because the kids do not think of you as their parent and will just resent you. You can say something and it will sound much harsher coming from you than if their parent said the same thing, because you most likely don't have as close of a bond. I think a good way to gauge how involved you should be with the discipline is to ask yourself if you & your DH split, would you still keep a relationship with the child. If the answer is no, then you should step back in the parenting part. If the answer is yes, feel free to discipline as you would your own child, because that bond is there. That does NOT mean however that they should not be made to respect you. If your DH isn't around then yes you have to absolutely discipline, just as a babysitter or teacher would, you have that right when they are left in your care. But when your DH is there, he should be the primary...he should be the one to set the rules and follow through on punishment. Because if he is there & you are the one doing it, then those kids will see you as the bad guy & not like you, since their own parent isn't even enforcing the rules. I think thats where disengagement has to come in, if your DH just doesn't choose to parent and you can't convince him to, its HIS kids, HIS problem.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

I'm the one here with ss the most. More that Dh and more than Bm. I have to enforce the rules. Sometimes, I'll try to get Dh's opinion before I lay down the law in certain situations, but most of the time Dh just wants me to make my own decisions.

I don't allow ss to be disrespectful to me(even though he tries a lot) and I will tell him so. I also tell Dh and then he will reinforce what I've already told ss.

Dawn

It is the biological parents responsibility to relay to the child that him and stepmom are both an equal power. And that both will reinforce all rules set forth in the home-regardless of who or who is not at home at the time.

Two people, one power!!!! It won't work any other way. SCREW dr. phil !!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

I think thats a bunch of cah cah myself!! My house and my rules!! Don't like it then don't come over..Period..This psychological mumbo jumbo really gets to me..I don't think that it's possible to create a functional family in which one child or a few children (the steps) have a different set of rules...

The mental healthy community and the family court system want to hold Step Parents responsibile for their step kids "best interests" and expect us to put these children before everything yet not have any say so in their behavior or correction? If your step kids gets in trouble with the law you can bet the criminal justice system will come down on the step parent and hold them responsible right alone with the bio parents! I'm not about to take responsibility, financially or otherwise over a kids that I have no say so over..

According to american society we are supposed to financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally pick up the bio parents slack and keep our mouth shut while we are doing it...

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted

like that should be covered with shit.