BM leaving kids home alone
I'd like some opinions on this.
Last spring, FSD11 (then 10) stated out of nowhere that BM told her that she could stay home alone when she turned 11. My husband & I were not at all impressed by this statement. But, since neither of us are FSD11's legal guardian, we figured that there wasn't much we could do about this. Around the same time, FSD11 started talking more & more about the private-like school she supposedly would be attending when she started junior high. Now, keep in mind that at this point, we had FSD11 every other week, along with SD8. There was absolutely no talk of FSD11 not living with us anymore, so don't you think some of these plans should have been discussed with my husband? BM never said a word. If you've read my other blog entries, you know about the situation. Last year was hell with FSD11 & in November we told BM that we wanted FSD11 to stay with her from now on, at least for the foreseeable future.
Meanwhile, ever since hearing FSD11 talk about staying home alone, I put some of the pieces together. BM more than likely told her this because this way she could stay home alone after school once she starts junior high. The kid that lives across the street from BM also goes to this school. So BM probably assumes that FSD11 can just get rides with him. This school is about 35 minutes from BM's house, which seems insane to me since there's a public high school only 15 minutes from her house. And FSD11 can take the bus there! And this school isn't any better academically than public school; it's actually an artsy-type school. Most of the kids that go there either live in the town it's in or come from wealthy families. I've heard from former students that a lot of the kids there gang up on "outsiders". I personally know a girl that dropped out & went back to public school because of this (& she was one of the wealthy kids!). I really don't think that FSD11 is going to fit in there, especially when the kids see BM. She's pure white trash.
ANYWAY....so this past fall, the kids had mentioned FSD11 taking baby-sitting classes so she could watch one of BM's friend's infants. (This whole thought scares the crap out of me!) We also figured that this was BM's way of showing that FSD11 would be "ready" to stay home alone. My husband & I made sure to tell the girls that we were not comfortable with FSD11 staying home alone yet, AND that we did not want SD8 staying home alone with her. So FSD11 supposedly took her first class in December; this is what SD8 told me & FSD11 told her father (he & I have been corresponding through email about FSD11; he lives several states away). Her father, by the way, saw right through these classes. He stated that this was all happening so BM could leave FSD11 home alone so BM could have a social life (BINGO!).
Well, about a month ago, I got some info from the girls' daycare provider. She told me that FSD11 had never taken the baby-sitting class in December. BM told her that it had been canceled & that she would have to wait until they announce the next series of classes. So imagine my surprise to hear that on Martin Luther King Day, when school was closed, FSD11 stayed home alone ALL DAY! And since then, FSD11 has been staying home alone after school most days. We found out that SD8 has stayed home alone after school with FSD11 twice since then. My husband had made it very clear to BM & both girls that he did not want this to happen. So he called DCF to report it. And guess what? Unless SD8 stays home alone ALL DAY with FSD11, nothing can be done. The state doesn't care if it's only a few hours. So there's not much we can do. Taking BM to court over it would probably be costly & my husband doesn't think he can get full custody of SD8 because they've had split custody for so long & it's been working out ok for SD8.
I also wanted to state that there is no reason for SD8 to be home alone after school with FSD11. My husband pays for daycare. BM recently told the daycare provider that she would pay for SD8's daycare on her weeks. Which makes me wonder what BM is trying to pull with that move. The only reason I can think of that SD8 would be home alone with FSD11 is if BM is coming home late. Which should not be happening anyway.
I don't know what to do about this. It makes me sick to think about what could happen to these kids. Just this past summer, a 13-year-old girl was raped & murdered in our small town. FSD11 & SD8 had gone to school with this girl! This kind of stuff happens ANYWHERE! BM's house is in the middle of nowhere. It would take a while for emergency vehicles to reach her house. They do have some close neighbors, but who knows if they'll be home if something happens? They don't keep the house locked, either, so what if someone was inside when they got home? They also have a wood stove, which I hope the kids do not touch. And the kid that lives across the street that I mentioned? He's like 15. And FSD11 had a crush on him not too long ago. All of this screams trouble to me. But if you mention any of this to BM, she'll laugh. (Gee, when did BM start sleeping with half the men in her town? Hmmm...ya think she's setting up her girls to be the same way?!)
To top off these concerns are some basic facts about FSD11 herself: FSD11 is a very nervous kid. She routinely wet the bed up until a year ago, but had an accident as recent as this past fall. She can't sleep without a nightlight on. Thunderstorms make her nervous & if the power goes out, she screams for an adult. Over the last year with her, she did nothing to make me think she was getting more responsible. She would go a whole week without bathing at BM's & smell so awful that I couldn't be anywhere near her. And would get mad when we enforced bathing every other day at our house. She talked frequently about cooking at BM's & admitted that once she left a paper bag on the stove & it caught fire. This does not inspire confidence in me at all!
Am I being too overprotective about this stuff?! I found a post on here from a year ago about leaving an 8-year-old home alone. Comments were generally supportive of this. Am I wrong to think that this is crazy?! With all the sicko people in this world, it seems very risky to me. Maybe I'm just paranoid because I grew up close to the city & my dad is a cop. The amount of child abuse/molestation cases are astounding. It's very scary.
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Question
How long is SD(11) at home alone after school before BM comes home? I completely understand that your DH is worried but the truth is that if BM has custody of SD(11)and there are no laws stating a specific age then she's actually in her right as long as they have an emergency plan in place and SD has a way to contact someone such as a cell phone etc.
My SS is 10 going on 11 and he walks home from school at 3:30 (we are about 2-3 blocks away) and stays home alone with the dogs for about an hour until my husband gets home. He's got his cell phone, my husband is 20 minutes away and he knows what to do in emergency situations.
Maybe it's just me but I feel that at 11 a kid should be responisble enouogh to stay at home alone for a short period of time. But really I think it depends on how responsible the child is and how long they are at home.
Check with CPS and see if there is an age limit in your state, some states say no younger then 12/13. Our state has no age limit and trust that the parents won't leave a child that isn't old enough or responsible enough at home alone
i think I agree with MA1978......
I will leave my 10yo son home alone for very brief periods...while I run to the store or something. Not very long at all. He's OK with it, so as long as he's OK with it, I am. I would not leave him for more than an hour or so...not yet. I guess it really depends on the maturity of the child. According to your post, I don't think I'd leave her home alone. I would NOT leave another child in her care...or my son's either for that matter. They are just tooo young!
it really depends on the kid, I think
FSD11 (my husband's former stepdaughter, so we really don't have a say in the matter) is home alone after school for about 2 1/2 to 3 hours. That day there was no school, she was home alone for at least 10 hours. There is no age limit in our state for kids being home alone. So BM is within her rights. 11 years old is a gray area. Personally, both my husband & I do not feel that FSD11 is mature enough to stay home alone. (My parents, the daycare provider & FSD11's BF feel the same way.) But, there's not much that can be done about it, so BM gets away with this.
It's mostly a concern to me because SD8 has been left alone in her care twice that we know of. Again, this was only for 2 1/2 to 3 hours (supposedly). These two fight constantly. Us not having FSD11 every other week anymore was partially due to the nasty way she treated SD8. And now FSD11 is alone with her unsupervised for several hours. I don't think FSD11 would physically hurt SD8, but verbally, she's really nasty to the kid. The state would step in if SD8 is left alone all day with FSD11. They did tell us that. It just sucks that my husband made it clear that he did not want this to happen & BM completely ignored him & is doing what she pleases. Not that this is anything new!
Also, I have no idea if there are emergency plans in place. I quizzed SD8 about this & it appears that BM at least talked to them about some things, which is good. I had to laugh at the mention of a cell phone. BM had a cell phone for years that was practically glued to her ear. Then one day not long ago, she supposedly heard that cell phones cause cancer & smashed her phone apart in front of the kids, battery & all. (The kids thought this was awesome & talked about it for months.) The smashed phone now hangs up as "art" at BM's house. So there's no cell phone contact for BM, which is a huge issue since BM is always on the go & there are sometimes gaps of time between when she leaves work & gets home. My husband & I are going to make an emergency phone # list for SD8 & have her keep it in her backpack just in case.
My other concern is that BM is (or will be) leaving them home alone more often, for longer periods of time. If she does this on weekends, we'll never find out unless SD8 spills the beans. And that's happening less & less because BM tells her to lie to us & not tell us certain things. It would not surprise me at all if BM leaves them home alone overnight at some point. BM's #1 priority is her social life & we've put a damper on that by having FSD11 stay with her full-time.
I guess the bottom line is that as long as SD8 is only left alone with FSD11 for short periods of time, BM is within her right & my husband just has to live with this set-up & pray that nothing bad ever happens.
The law depends on the state
where I live kids can stay home up to an hour at the age of 9 years old. And the hours slowly increase for the next couple of years. Then at age 13 the kids can babysit. In fact, in my city you can't even sign them up for babysitting classes till they are 13 yrs old.
My SD's BM
Would leave SD home all day, drop her off alone at the movies at night, or for hours at a downtown/city library at night while BM went and had dinner with then Fiance.
SD was nine.
It was horrible.
But nothing we could do about it. I will say though I think our worries about this issue are statistically unfounded, as well as a current culture of knowing every possible scary scenerio that could happen. I came home from school from 3rd grade on alone until my 7th and 8th grade brothers got off their bus. I let myself in through the UNLOCKED garage, then watch cartoons. Or sometimes went to a friend's house instead of being alone (I didn't like it.)
Our parents were "blissfully ignorant" of things like "Code Adam" or "Amber Alerts" and kids weren't on milk cartons yet.
So, I would have to say I understand your and DH's feelings, especially regarding SD 8 being in FSD 11's care. But like many posters said, there's nothing that can be done.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
My daughter used to
stay home by herself for about 1 hour when she got to the 6th grade. I only worked 5 minutes away from my house at the time.
However she had to call me as soon as she got in the house. I made sure she went through the same routine each day. Locked the door and hung her key on the keyring before i hung up the phone. I then called her again when i left work 40 minutes later.
Now she is 13 and in the 8th grade. She still calls me when she gets home from the home phone. Cell phone not acceptable for that call. I need to know she is in the house safe and sound.
They can be home if they are responsible enough and if they can and will follow the rules. If not - they should remain at after school care or day care until they are picked up.
I don't think an 11 year old should be watching other children period. Not alone.... to much can go wrong. The classes may be good - but they will react like a child if anything arises.
My kid is 13 (14 in June) and I don't allow her to watch any of my neices and nephews. She will not know what to do in an emergent situation - she is still a kid herself.
I would be very careful with that.
I have been struggling with this
question myself..How old is old enough?? I have a BD11 and SD10. The BD11 is mature enough that I feel comfortable leaving her to just run to the store or something..(less than 15-20 minutes) but the SD10 (ADHD) I would not.