It's not easy being green...
I want to be like Yoda.
I feel more like Kermit.
"Whose the one with the problem here?"
This was BM's quote from the other day.
She had taken it upon herself to buy shoes for SD9 that I had planned on purchasing because it was for DH's daddy/daughter dance. She then prompted DH to reimburse her which just had me ALL riled up. How do you do something that no one asked you to do, only to ask to be paid back?!? So when he confronted her on it three days later, she just knew it was ColoradoGirl's doing.
I got to thinking about it. Shes' right. I'M the one with the problem here. The shoes. The new puppy that she bought and kept calling on OUR weekend to have the girls stop by and see. The making no sense decisions. The manic behavior of my husband's bipolar exwife... and me making it my problem.
DH is really NOT affected by her manic behavior...well that's not true. He is less affected and really knows how to deal with it better.
I was the one with the problem with the shoes and the expectation of reimbursement. DH wasn't going to take SD shopping, I was. DH could care less who bought the stupid shoes or even what they looked like, he also was going to pay for them regardless. He only made it an issue because he KNEW that I was going to be put out.
I was the one who didn't want to take time out of MY day to go see that puppy. I was so annoyed at the circumstances from the day before (she was supposed to pick the girls up but instead left them with me to haul around to my own children's soccer/baseball practices), I just insisted that we not rearrange MY plans to fit hers. She didn't extend the same courtesy to me, so why should I to her? Would it really been THAT big of a deal to stop by for ten minutes to see the puppy? No, it wouldn't have but I just had to prove my point. It still affected us because BM wouldn't stop calling making DH annoyed and then the girls were bummed they didn't get to see the dog. Not only that, BM is desperately trying to make herself feel better, and I single handedly didn't allow her to see her daughters that day and share with them her new purchase. DH took the girls over there the next day on the way home.
BM thrives on chaos. Not conflict...chaos. Sometimes she'll pick a fight to create the drama, sometimes she'll buy a puppy. It's who she is and there is not a damn thing I can do to change that. I thrive on stability and order, so she throws me all out of whack when she's manic.
So in the end, it's her being her and me being me that causes all the conflict to the one thing we have in common...my beautiful husband.
- Colorado Girl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
How interesting that DH has
How interesting that DH has been with such different women. I love you! You provide some necessary stability, even for her. Hang in there.
To every thing there is a season.
We aren't all that different...
Not as much as I'd like to admit...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
At least you'd be cute in a
At least you'd be cute in a movie role.... And, I don't think you're the same. I've met both of you.
To every thing there is a season.
Amen sister!
Couldn't have said it better myself. I get frustrated because BM won't make a plan in advance. "I'll just call when I'm on my way." Sometimes it actually does cause me problems. Do I have time to go buy groceries? Can I let SD play or does she need to put up her laundry before BM gets here? But mostly, it just irritates me on principle because I'm an orderly person that likes a schedule and she's not. Oh, and I don't like her. There's that too.
When you figure out how to deal with the polar opposite personality problem, will you clue me in?
Humanize the beast...
"When you figure out how to deal with the polar opposite personality problem, will you clue me in?"
Realize that she's human making human mistakes. If it were ANYBODY else, would you be put out by her dis-order?
We interpret intents as just that...a perception of their intent. Is her sole intent to throw you out of your routine? Probably not. She probably dislikes you as much as you do her, so there is no respect of anyone's time or placed value to anybody's schedule.
How can you change THAT? I'm not sure.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
oh yes, the surprises!
BM used to do this too. On our time with the girls, she would call and tell them she "bought a new Mustang convertible" or a kitten (who now lives with us)or a husband (who she is now separated from)and get the kids all excited about it. Mind you, this woman (I use this word lightly) has not held a job in the last 4 or 5 years.
It used to bother me, but after a while, the kids see through the BS and when that Mustang disappeared a few months later (repo man anyone?) like everything else in her life, they saw her web of lies. Now, they don't admit it, but they know she is a POS. She can't buy them shoes, but she gets a new car?
Is she mentally ill?
I see four red flags right off the bat.
Spending money she doesn't have
Buying an animal
Marrying and splitting from a husband quickly
Inability to hold a job
Not only that, the attention seeking from the children by informing them of these things
She's trying desperately to make herself feel better when she does these things...she needs to feel validated when she calls the kids to get them excited.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
We get the surprises too - good and bad
BM - Guess what SD, mommy got you a kitten
SD - (full week of crying to go home to see the kitten)
BM - I'm sorry darling, kitty was run over. Hold on, I'll text you a picture.
SD - (several hours of sobbing over the disturbing picture of her smooshed cat)
OMG!
That is just not right!!!
Dawn
SD13's BM is constantly
SD13's BM is constantly making last minute plans or changing the schedule. Just this last Wednesday H called her to confirm the pick-up for Spring Break. He agreed to meet her closer to where she lives because she just had surgery.
So this morning when he was leaving for work, he tells SD that he's working late and but will be home in time to meet her BM by 7pm. She said but Mom is picking me up after school! H said Really??? Well it would be extremely nice of your BM to inform me of any changes since it's my schedule she has to work around.
I started to get as pissed off about this as my H was when I suddenly realized BM picking up the SD works for better for us. H caught a cold and isn't feeling great. It's a two hour round trip to drop of SD to see her BM. I'm hoping she does pick her up so H can stay in tonight and rest and doesn't have to make that drive. So let BM pick up my SD and her little sister (two different Dads that each have custody of their daughter)tonight and drop them off next Sunday. It's a three hour round trip for her and saves us time and gas.
Isn't it great when a difficult BM shoot herself in the foot? Makes me want to offer her lemon juice and salt to help heal the wound!
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
What is it that made you so mad at first?
The constant changing of the plans?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Yes...because of our work (H
Yes...because of our work (H and me) schedules and the long drive, we have to do a lot of shifting around in order to drop off SD to see her BM. When BM decides she doesn't want to pick SD up from school and we have to take her out there, we usually find out last minute. Or we know in advance and oordinated our work schedules to rush home so we can be on time to meet up with her, only to find out she has already picked her up.
We (H and m) try to remember the little psycho is a selfish narcissist who only cares about what she can take from others. Which is why she lost custody of two of her three girl and is in danger of losing the third one now too.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
My skids' BM is like this as well.
We know that they are never going to change. It's not in their dynamic.
My skids' BM isn't malicous in her intent when she changes plans, she just is a poor scheduler and kinda lives by the seat of her pants. It just doesn't coincide with my very concrete way of planning.
I just can't figure out what it is that I can do to stop being so pissed off about it.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
That's good that your skids
That's good that your skids BM doesn't do it on purpose. But I know it's incredibly frustrating just the same. As a fellow planner, I know the kind of chaos a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type of person can inflict on your life.
BM knows that H and I are the plan ahead kind of people. So the last minute decsions are made on purpose and to suit her needs. It's her way of getting back at H for having the gall to get custody of their child.
My SD's BM is a very manipulative person and most actions are planned out to create difficulties for others. Our only way to deal with her is to ignore and not react because that infuriates her more than a yelling match. She wants the fight and enjoys upsetting her children and making everyone the bad guy. Of course she's the perpetual victim.
I can only recommend deep breaths and the letting go the small stuff. If her behavior interferes with plans, committments, dinners, etc....you should step in and deal with it. My H has a great way of dealing with these problems....he says in the grand scheme of things, will this be something he remembers on his death bed? If the answer is yes, then he deals with it. If it's no.....then he lets it go.
I'm still working on that.....but it's always a work in progress for me.
I still have a very, very difficult not getting angry when BM's actions change things up for me.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy