downgrading the F4 engagement situation to tropical storm relationship--rambling update
After the last post about finances, and some other issues that have surfaced, I am downgrading the relationship. We've strayed REALLY far from the ideal that I had for us, and I do love him very much, but I'm not going to push forward with this relationship until things are better, I did that once before, and it didn't work out, and I'm not going to do it again. I've been doing a lot of writing over the last couple of weeks, really figuring out where I've been, and where I am, and where I'm going. It's a much needed perspective, and I concluded that things need to slow WAY down.
To my credit, I have shared this information with him. We had a 2 hour long conversation last Friday, and it was not an easy one at all. I am grateful for the courage and support I gained here to say some of the things I needed to say. I told him that for all his bravado about protecting his family, he was only interested in doing so when it meant playing with firearms and buying more, and playing commando. When it came to actual practical things, things that are actually possibilities, he does nothing, like life insurance, taking care of his health, long term disability insurance, retirement savings etc. I expressed some of my anger, and asked him if he ever even CONSIDERED what would happen if he died today to me and SD. He had not, so I told him, and I basically told him that I couldn't trust someone who lived in this fantasy world where the things that matter are only the dramatic and exciting, and the things that truly count, are not even on the radar. I told him he is not even the beneficiary of my life insurance, b/c I don't trust him to do the right thing! My parents are, and will be, until I see drastic changes.
To his credit, he took all this very well. He didn't get mad at anything that I said, nor did he shut down and just start saying "well I guess I'm an a$$hole then" which is exactly what my ex would have done. He did however say it felt like we were having the beginnings of a break up conversation. I told him he was crazy, but in my heart, i don't really know. I have hope, I am willing to give him a chance, the opportunity to improve and start being more responsible, I do love him, so so much, and want very much for things to be better. They have to be, I'm not going a step further and indeed am taking a few steps back until that happens. Time will tell, though Sunday night he excitedly informed me he found an army cot for 60 dollars online, and I was NOT pleased, given another of Friday's topics was his choice to get a credit card and buy a firearm at the same time as all of our expenses increased with SD living here, and we're still paying BM the CS for the kid we have until we go to court (still no date) and I'm unemployed. Not exactly encouraging he's still shopping (though he didn't buy, I'm sure my scowl had something to do with that....)
He's on the couch, and has been for weeks. Ostensibly he says he sleeps better there, I know I sleep better, he snores so bad, it drives me nuts, and with the anxiety I've been having, the slightest things disturb me, and I can't get back to sleep. I am pretty convinced he has sleep apnea, and again, another thing he doesn't want to deal with, he says sleeping on the couch helps him b/c it forces him to sleep on his side and he can actually breathe. We've been here before, and I've told him how hurt I was when he chose to sleep there, but I'm not fighting him on this anymore. I sleep just fine in my bed with the cat.
I don't know what will happen, I do know this isn't what I signed on for though, and not what I pictured. I've been slowly telling some of my closest friends some of the sad details of this situation, and most of them are shocked and saddened for me. I have hope that it can get better, but I find myself in familiar territory, in a relationship with an unhappy man who is not able to take the steps himself to fix his problems, and it sucks...
Anyway, thanks for listening....
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NS
I am sorry that this is happening, especially after things were going so well for you guys. But it is better that it happened now than to be married and then uncover all of the dirty little secrets. How is SD doing? You know that this will shake her world if this relationship does not succeed. She didn't have a loving mother and things turned around for her when you came in and helped fight for her. Now if this falls apart she may blame herself because afterall, things were ok or at least seemed okay before she moved in. I don't say these things to place the burden on you because BF does need to be more responsible and accountable in all aspects of the words to and for his family. I just lay it out there as something to consider, but then again you're a smart woman so I'm sure that you already have.
I really am sorry that this is happening. Good Luck and I hope BF finds his way and does the right thing before he loses a good thing.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P
SD is doing well
And yes, it's a factor for me. I'm not even close to walking out the door, I hope more than anything that SD's presence will make him take the initiative to handle some of this stuff and actually make changes....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
it is a good thing
that the talk was calm and not accusatory (is that a word)
it is hard to love someone so much but to know that it might not be the right someone.
you are taking your time and that speaks volumes of your good sense.
I hope your BF does improve/make changes he is losing a great gal if he doesnt.
hugs to you my friend!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I guess i have been
gone too long. I had NO idea all this was going on. I am so sorry that you have to go through this! It must really suck! Dh and I have been where you two are many many times and have always managed to come out on top. For this I am grateful. Please call me or email me if you need to talk! I am home for another few weeks, so I am available. I think it will all work out in the wash, at least I hope for you it does.
thanks sweetie, I'm still hopeful
Depending on how things work out on the job front, I am thinking about taking a mini vacation next week, and going and visiting old friends and family back in my old stomping grounds. I really have been itching to do some photography, and just generally get away. I think it will be good to clear my head, and miss him a little. Since we have been together, going on 3 yrs, we have never spent a night apart. I think it would be good for us to have that and for me to reconnect socially a little.
we shall see, we're getting along just fine, so there's no tension or weirdness at home, which helps a lot. I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes of my past, and if that means being overly cautious, so be it.
thank you for your support!!!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Oh NS...
I'm so sorry this is going on.
I will say that all men are well...simple creatures. My DH has some financial flaws as do I myself. I also don't work and know that even though he supports me on that, there is a bit of "well I bring home all the money so if I want to spend 200 bucks on toys at Best Buy or such then I'm ENTITLED to it" thinking. One impulse 500 buck camera purchase changed all that. I may have told you before, but this was a "Whatever you do DH please don't just get a camera without me being involved in the purchase" then "What do you MEAN you went to Best Buy and bought a camera today? Didn't I just say 'whatever you do DON'T buy a camera without me?' And NO DON'T you DARE say you bought it FOR me b/c I like to take pics and am good at it so you thought I deserved a better camera! How can you say that when you didn't even get my input on the camera you bought????"
ETC.
Then we talked it out and though he has slipped up the same since, it's not with anything EXPENSIVE. Most recently we had a very loud exchange in front of our kids when he yelled at them for dumping/breaking glass recyclables in the garage, b/c they couldn't easily get the overloaded full size trash can into my van. THE TRASH CANS he bought to do recycling in that I specifically said a few months ago, "Whatever you do, please let me help pick out the recycling bins b/c I really really really don't want you to come back with 60 gal trash bins." He DID, the same weekend I said it just like the camera, and...those bins and their inability to be easily loaded into the van or lifted up and dumped into the recycling dumpster then caused a fight.
Wanna know what he said to ME in front of the kids when I went off for the first time in 5 years?
"I'm sure you didn't say it that specifically or I wouldn't have bought them."
Ummmm...NOPE. I DID in fact, just like the camera, just like the crappy bookshelves my first Christmas here, that broke when I tried correct how he attempted to put it together. He had put the bottom FINISHED shelf on the top of it, and it crumbled when I tried to take it back apart. I was leaving to help my SIL in AZ with her chemo, and I said, "Do NOT continue to put these three bookcases together. I do NOT want them. Please repackage this one, and take the other unopened two bookcases BACK to office max and get your money back. I will have to look elsewhere."
I came home from my week in AZ, the WEEK OF CHRISTMAS, and he was like a little boy- "I have a surprise for you!!!!" I said, "Is it my bookcases all returned and taken care of?" He replied, "Well...not quite. I took care of them, but not quite how you asked me to." And there they were, the broken one GLUED back together, all three up in their crappy and not at all sturdy in his care glory. I was dumbfounded. Then when he walked through later and asked me something I replied, "Please don't talk to me, don't come in here tonight and chat with me. I am very busy trying to not be mad at you for something I know is not important in the grand scheme of things."
But he HAS learned something in 5 years NS! I promise some can learn.
I have spend a couple hundred dollars on clothes for myself the past year each season which is rare for me. But he is always buying work pants polos and jackets, and sometimes I want to ask just how many he needs. SD also is always bugging him to get her things she "needs" for sports and he is getting very good at setting a boundary on that of a highest price for shoes for soccer, basketball, track, etc. SD always gets mad b/c it's under 45 bucks and she is offended to get the cheaper shoes that everyone else has or wouldn't be caught dead in.
That stuff drives me NUTS. All the sports are pay to play now due to fiscal crisis and it adds up. My sons don't ask to do anything that costs that much money. Just a baseball team in the summer and one in the fall. SD is on multiple teams at the same time, needs to be driven everywhere, is always ordering expensive team hoodies, team pix, etc.
UGH.
Anyway.... I feel your pain. But what I mean to say is that they are not going to be perfect and the fact that we both seem to have men who listen who learn or try to learn what are needs are, what they can do to make it work, how they strive to show us their appreciation etc...
they have amazing potential. Like you said about this conversation, he listened and didn't get all dismissive/defeatist. And my DH doesn't belittle my feelings or concerns as immature and selfish like my ex did.
THAT'S a big thing my friend. Hang in there. Don't give up just yet. I forget, are you two going to couples' counseling? That's one thing I wish we would have done before getting married for sure.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
Thank you Sita
It's true, I just can't be a shepherd for another human being who refuses to grow up. I am not the financially savvy responsible one on my own, I have managed to somewhat balance being an impetuous artsy type with basic responsibilities, and that has been a challenge, but I definitely cannot do that for someone else.... He needs to learn....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein