Visitation and stepmoms
I have a question. If bm does not want the sk's around the evil stepmom on dh visitation. Where in the hell is dh supposed to take visitation with their kids? I have seen it posted many times and bm complains that dh doesn't spend enough time with the kids and how being around sm is bad. Where are they supposed to spend time with them then? At bm's so she can have her "family" back or so that she can monitor them.
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LOL!!! BMs generally just
LOL!!! BMs generally just seem to like to cause trouble--to break up the couple or just like to be pains in the a**.
THanks Dannyelle
Because that is SO what I was thinking all though a rat's ass was not the word. Mine was more along the lines of rhymes with SUCK? BM doesn't get to dictate who and when on DHs visitation. Your DH should tell her that she gets to dictate that when he is allowed full control over her life, who she dates and who the kids are around. That should shut her up.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
Actually.. bms can not
Actually.. bms can not dictate where a biodad takes his kids on visitation.. nor who he is around when on them, unless GAL or DSS gets involved and determines that person to be risky or inappropriate.
They are just nuts.. lets face it.. the ones that demand these things. I dont know where they think in their mind they should all go, but I am sure the bm thinks the sm should go crawl under a rock somewhere while the skids visit and (depending on the skid(s)) destroy the home.
It's none of her damned
It's none of her damned business if the SM is there for visitation, unless they are some abusive child molester.
BM used to complain about me taking care of SD's when DH was at work because she wanted to have him PAY her to watch them on his time. He told her to F-off and he could have any person he thought fit watch those kids, just as she was able to. But it's quite alright in her head to leave them alone for for long times, and all night, and make them take care of their half sister while she goes out and does God knows what.
BM even throws fits still about SD's staying with their grandmother, and even tracked them down last year and called G-ma's cell phone to find where they were. Um, hello! It's their GRANDMOTHER!!!! They are allowed to spend the night with her!
My advice is, unless their custody order says that no one else is allowed to care for the kids or be around them, tell her to go screw herself. She will try to take you to court if she is an idiot, and will look like a total loony toon to the judges.
Basically yea..I think that
Basically yea..I think that is the reason for the most part, out of spite. The BM is just hurting the children..but it's all they have to hurt your DH with so they use it. If DH has a court order though they BM can't keep the kids from the SM. Only in extreme cases I'd say..I have a girlfriend who is a BM who's BS actually was being verbally and emotionally abused at BD and SM's house. She went to court and had documented police reports,etc..and the court ordered that BS could not be around SM until he went thru counseling..but that is an extreme case.
They have no say
in who their ex brings around the kids as long as the person is not violent, abusive, a drug dealer, or criminal.
BM tried this with DH and it did not work out for her. I know that this is not easy because I'm sure my mom didn't relish the thought of handing me over to my stepmother but my stepmother isn't a criminal, mean, or abusive person. She's just a cold person. BM had been bringing drug dealers around the kids and my DH got the authorities involved. It turns out he had been verbally abusing the kids and doing drugs around them. So she thought she could get back at DH and tell him that I'm not allowed around the kids during visitation. Umm BM, the person you had around the kids was an ABUSER AND DRUG DEALER. When abuse and drugs are involved, like they were with your friend, then my DH IS going to look into that. But if it's just an ordinary person like me around your kids, there's nothing you can do about it!
Yeah
Our BM gets very controlling and possessive whenever she thinks I have ANY input into decisions regarding the kids. And yet, if she needs someone to pick up a kid and take her to a doctor's appointment, suddenly it's okay if I'M the one doing it, so she doesn't have to. It's all a control thing. Ignore her.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I think that
when two parents get divorced, both parents need to prepare themselves for the possibility of the other parent's remarrying and for that parent's new spouse's having some say in how the children are brought up and decisions about the children. I know that it must be a tough thing to accept but that is a reality of divorce and remarriage. Most of the time our partners' visitation takes place at our (the SM's) home. Most of the time, we pay child support to the BMs. Most of the time, our DH's pay OUR money for the kids to take part in certain things and go to certain places. So it is only fair that we at least have some say about the skids when they are under our roof. I know that there will be times when our DHs will have to make the final decisions with the BMs but they should at least consult with us, their spouses, before doing so, and let us know what they're going to say to the BM, and let us give our input. That way the parents can make the final decision but we can have the comfort of knowing that our DHs put their marriages to us first by consulting with us.
I was just going to say that.
I think that if I was a marriage counselor, I would definitely bring this up with ALL of my couples who looked like they were going down the path to divorce. I would tell them that as they go through the process of thinking about divorce, they needed to think seriously about:
1) Emotionally and mentally preparing themselves and making peace with the fact that as divorced people, they have NO say in their ex-partner's love life, relationship decisions, etc. in the future. And while they're at it, helping their kids understand that as well.
2) Establishing CLEAR boundaries regarding their status as exes (e.g., no expecting "services" like shoveling the ex-spouse's walk, running errands for them, etc.) that don't directly involve the kids. This just makes it harder for everyone when a new GF or BF comes around -- again, especially the kids. If the kids continue to see their dad dropping off groceries, doing "husband" thing, etc, for their mom, they're getting really mixed messages about the future of their family. Then, when a new GF or BF arrives on the scene, and these boundaries have to be established (LONG after they should have been established), everyone blames the new GF or BF, like it's their fault that the ex-couple didn't do the work when they should have. This, in my opinion, is the cause of the VAST majority of the problems we see on this discussion board.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Amen!!
I totally agree with that one!!
(Wearing SM hat) I would kill my DH if he made a major decision about SD without consulting me and getting at least minimal agreement from me. After all, I live here now...you all moved into MY house. And I am not gonna be held to some ridiculous promise DH makes to his ExW without giving my input!! I think that is the respect husbands must give their new wives - a voice. But ultimately us SM's need to understand that we may not like every decision that DH makes for the BioKids.
(Wearing BM Hat) I totally respect my children's SM voice in all of this. After all, she is just trying to build her own life and is, I trust, doing her best to take care of my kids. I try not to dictate how they handle themselves during visitation or what rules they impose on my kids while they are over there. And as much as I hate it, I prepare myself for the fact that when my kids go over there, they eat nothing but junk food for 2 days and watch SpongeBob all weekend long. However, when it comes to major decisions - I expect SM to defer to me and my exH as BioParents. She isn't going to decide how much CS my ex is going to pay, or what school my kids will go to, or whether or not they can participate in whatever activity.
I agree.
I agree 110% that all the adults need to be civilized to each other, and if all are open to it, then maybe they could be friends, but I do think boundaries need to be re-drawn IMMEDIATELY after the breakup/divorce. If BM was a sane, civilized person who put her kids above her own issues and had custody, and needed my DH to help her out in an emergency (i.e. one of her parents having a heart attack or dying) by watching the skids, then I'd have no issue with that. But if it's something like dropping off groceries, when BM is an able-bodied person and the skids can help her unload the groceries, then I would have a problem. DH doesn't even help me unload the groceries because I do most of the grocery shopping while the kids are at school and he's working.
I also agree with helping the kids understand it...as a skid, I didn't get a say in who my parents remarried. Granted, my stepmother is not the ideal stepmother and my dad knows it, but for whatever reason, he loves her and I had to accept that.
First Right of Refusal
Our divorce decree states that if the BioParent is going to be away from the child for more than 2 hours, then the other BioParent has to offered First Right of Refusal for that time with the child before the child is left with a step-parent, grandparent, babysitter, etc. My DH's divorce papers state the same thing with his exW.
(Wearing my BM hat)If my exH can't be with the kids during what is supposed to be his visitation time, then I think they should be with me.
(Wearing my SM hat) If my DH can't be with his daughter, she should be with her BM.
I have nothing against my children's SM, and I also love spending time with my SD...but since we all live in near proximity to each other, its just as easy to get the kids back to their BioParents....and its only if it's more than 2 hours...
I can see that.
And it sounds like your divorce decree did a good job of preparing everyone for the eventuality that you as ex-spouses would eventually move on and have other relationships. Well done.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
It is not up to the BM. If there is CO visitation then Dad can
do what he wants, where he wants with the kid on his time. Dad can't dictate to BM what she can do on her time and BM can't dictate to Dad what he can do on his time with the kids.
We learned this the hard way when we objected to BioDad taking the Skid on a road trip during visitation without telling us where they were going. At the time my SS was very young and my Wife was a bit paranoid that THEY would run off with the Skid and never be seen again. The Judge told us BioDad can do what he wants on visitation and does not need our approval. As long as the kid is returned per the schedule then BioDad gets carte blanche during his time.
We have taken the advantage of that same ruling and taken SS on a couple of international trips. When SpermGrandMa balked we said "tough crap".
And, even if the kid is not returned on time BioDad is only in contempt of court until he returns the kid. Sooooooo, if he kept him for a few extra days and we filed kidnapping charges there would be little we could do about it. We learned the hard way on this too. On the first visitation after the original Judgement was issued the kid was not returned on time, we called the police, the police told us that it was a visitation issue that would have to get in front of a Judge. We filed for an emergency hearing which was scheduled for the next day, the kid was dropped off an hour before the hearing (a day late) and the Judge got mad at us for wasting his time. We requested that BioDad be held in contempt, the Judge agreed then proceeded to chew BioDad out but did nothing to punish him for being in contempt, no fine, no jail time absolutely nada. Apparently contempt only lasts until the kid is returned.
I think your DH needs to learn a key phrase to repeat to BM when she attempts to dictate what he will do with his kid during his visitation time. KISS MY BUTT!
Best regards,
What???
My decree specifically states that neither parent can take the minor children across any state lines withour written consent of the other parent and notice of 7 days.
My wife had already moved out of state prior to the CO.
At the time she moved out of state to attend an accelerated BS program there was only an order of paternity and CS in place. There was no Custody or Visitation order.
So, she moved out of state to attend school. BioDad had no issue with that and neither did anyone else in the begining. SpermGrandMa had no problem with it until she learned that my Wife has started dating someone at school (me). After she learned about me she sure did and filed for Custody on BioDad's behalf and did not even tell him she had done it. When my Wife (Then GF) got the papers she noticed the the signature was not his handwriting. Her attorney contacted His attorney who promptly resigned from the case when he found that BioDad was not even aware that a custody motion had been filed in his name.
From what I have been able to find by research, in cases where a child is born out of wedlock the BM gets custody and can pretty much move where and whenever she wants. Unless there is some extremely mitigating information that indicates it should be otherwise.
I am assuming your decree is a Divorce Decree which has significantly more limitations associated with it?
Best regards,
Not all are like that
Our order states that no consent is needed, only that an itinerary needs to be submitted to the other parent if the child will be out of state for more than 24 hours.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Oh yes...
LOTS more limitations - on both sides. I had them put in mainly to keep my exH in check - he has a habit of doing things 'just' to piss me off or spite me - and I have no problem whatsoever holding myself to the same guidelines that I expect him to follow. I feel that is good Joint Parenting...yes, sometimes it stinks to have to notify him of every little trip I plan, but then at least I ensured that I get the same information.
In my experience, it has been better to be overly cautious and be able to "let up" when the situation calls for it than to be loose in the rules and then try to "tighten down" when I feel something fishy is going on.
I absolutely agree that complying closely to the CO is the right
thing to do. Over the years my wife has learned to hold both THEM and herself to the Judgement. It saves a ton of bickering and is not a surprise when she rolls up the Judgement and beats them about the head and shoulders with it. (figuratively of course)
As you pointed out, the difficult part of rules are that they should apply equally to everyone which can be a PITA some times.
But, hey. It is about the kids after all and protecting them and their best interests. Sometimes us parents (bio or step, CP or NCP) have to suck it up for them.
Best regards,
Yep
My DH has been very good about holding himself to the guidelines set in place by the system and he has no problem holding BM to them, either. As hard as it is for him to do, he does a good job of keeping BM in the loop. He doesn't like doing that, but he loves the kids so much that he will suck it up and do it for them.
The system is a huge part of the problem.
It seems as though bio-dads who weren't married to the bio-moms have even less rights than those that were, and even dads who were married to the moms don't have a lot of rights. The system has to start realizing that dads have just as much importance in the kids' lives as the moms. It's so sad that so many caring and loving dads can't even get access to their kids' school information.
You got it girls!
Yeah these BMs want the dads to pay buckoo bucks and suck as much money as the guys as much as they can then still sit there and cry poor and that they are a "single" parent. Then on top of all that they want to control every little thing with the kids. Our BM tried to pull this crap with my FH a few months ago when she got an attorney and tried to say that there is no co-habitation in front of her daughter (who is 16 and has already stayed at MY house 4 times). Yeah she seriously wanted them to go stay in a hotel because she didn't want the kid to see us living together - which she duh has already seen - HER OWN ATTORNEY told her she didn't have a chance in hell for that one. Just another manipulative controlling move on BMs part.
SS's BM did the exact same thing
She tried SO hard to get it written in the order that I was not allowed to be around SS period. Her attorney told her that was a lost cause. Then she tried to stipulate that BF could only have visitations that were supervised by her or a professional. Also a lost cause. THEN she tried to say that he COULD have visitation, but since BF lived with me, he would have to rent a hotel room every night that SS was going to spend the night. She honestly wanted him to spend 80 days a year in a hotel room with SS just so that he wouldn't be around me. What kind of life is that for a kid? And what kind of message does that send to a kid? We have a wonderful, happy and blessed life, which SS would not know anything about if he was sheltered in a hotel room every time he came to see his Dad.
Ridiculous. I personally would rather there be a female around at least some of the time. We tend to notice and do things that Dads can miss or omit.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
And you call yourself Cruella?
Crue,
Wow, what a piece of work your Skids BM is. Did your DH end up with her three and their joint three?
What a great guy you married.
That says great things about you too.
Best regards,