1. Yes it will confuse the child. The child will always see mommy and daddy as the core family unit. That leave out moms and dads new BF's or GF's. Very confusing to the child, but will foster hatred to you and anyone her mom hooks up with because in her eyes it's coming between mom and dad. Not a good thing.

2. Yes, go.

3. No, BM is a nutcase and shouldn't be discussing this with her daughter IMO.

~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~

You MUST GO .Dont let it start now of BM telling you what events you can go to or what ones you can't dont give her any control on this type of stuff. Or you will be looking at a long list of events you will never be able to attend.

Be there for your SD and your FH.

SD already told you her feelings she wants you there, who know BM could just easily tell SD that you didnt go because you dont care about her.

My DH X does this to him at any event that he does not attend whether he knew about it or not.

And no BM should not be talking to SD about this, she will start to pick up all the adults feelings, and behaving the way the parent she is with wants her to re-act. Its called stage one of PAS

Just my thoughts

It will confuse the child. Dh and I had numerous discussions about this EXACT thing...his daughter kept thinking mommy and daddy were getting back together bc they kept doing happy family things together. It's so adorable that the child wants you there and that's REALLY important! Forget BM, you are there for your husband and that child!

~I've been drinkin down your pain...gonna turn that whiskey into rain and wash you away...~

Oh my gosh! This is a very uncomfortable situation for all. The most important thing is that the child have a sense of serenity and stability.
You have 12 more years of this until she is 18.

All should be done to make the child feel the least amount of tension, but consulting a 6 year old directly isn't really a good idea. It sets a precedent for them demanding their way when they are teenagers. The adults need to evaluate the situation and make the decisions taking into account what the child wants and what he/she NEEDS.

If it were me, I wouldn't go. I'd let the kid have her day with her mom and dad.

for SD, and do some research on parental alienation syndrome and how to combat it. For BM to say what she did to SD was unfair; it's penalizing her for something she had nothing to do with. SD shouldn't have to go through that and FH needs to make it clear to BM that he won't tolerate her putting SD in the middle of adult issues.

She already told everyone she wanted you there. By all means go. Just make a statement to her about how excited you are about her graduation. And watch what happens, ask her about her dress and who's her best friend and what dress she will have. She if she says something like Mommy doesn't want you there. If thats the case you have a lot of problems to come! Not to scare you just stating the experience I have had and by the looks of it other SM have had

With all the adults asking a 6 year old what she wants is going to cause more problems as she gets older any ways.

all a six year old knows is that she wanted u there, but u didn't come (if that's what u decide to do)....she won't "get" that u wanted to, but BM was uncomfortable and all that stuff.....so if u feel better....go, and skip the social if u feel badly about it.....I for one would go.....as I have always been there for my skids whenever they asked.....I have even been there when BM was either too drunk, or shacked up with one of her bf's and didn't care to go.....my skids r older now, but they remember every single thing I showed up for....that's all that really matters......and as for yur presence creating an uncomfortable situation, if u love this man and he loves u.....the situation with BM will be uncomfortable forever anyway...so, IMO, u need to draw yur line in the sand now

"there are three sides to every story....your side, my side and the truth :)"

"With all the adults asking a 6 year old what she wants is going to cause more problems as she gets older any ways." ABSOLUTELY TRUE

and if you keep asking her, and you don't go SHE'LL REALLY NOTICE. Had you/dh made the decision quietly ---it would have gone unnoticed or noticed and quickly forgotten.

You are setting up this "teen in waiting" to be very powerful. That is more unsettling than the original question.

Whether your BM likes it or not, you are this child's stepmother. You go and you sit with YOUR husband and cheer your little girl on. She wants you there, you belong there.

As adults, we reserve the right to make ALL the decisions where our children are concerned. Children do not get to make those decisions - especially six year olds. DH and BM need to stop asking the child what she wants to do and act as though they are the adults that they are. Also, the BM is creating a PAS environment. Someone needs to let BM know that she is hurting the child and will find herself in family counseling if this situation continues. I would let BM know you will contact your attorney and have them document these instances.

In this situation, I believe you should go. You can't worry about what BM thinks or try to make BM happy. You are DH's wife - BM will have to accept it. Whether or not it was an affair at this point is irrelevant. Something must have been wrong in the marriage in the first place for it to have ended (they both had opportunities to fix their issues and didn't for whatever reason) and that is neither here nor there at this point. If you give BM an inch she will take a mile. Don't do it.

If you go and SD acts as though she doesn't know you, don't be hurt. This will be due to the PAS her mother is inflicting in her. It's a shame that at six years of age a child learns to compensate in this way. I have seen this in my own daughter. My exH (yes there is such a thing as man-PAS) is doing this to my daughter as well).

Just my two cents. Good luck!!!

and a big no to the after graduation celebration with just BM, SD and DH. You should not be excluded from that. Can you all bite your tongues and go out for ice cream together? The old saying rings true for me " Kill them with kindness". Last time BM showed up at our house to visit SD I invited her in, invited her to eat dinner with us, (she declined) and she hasn't been back since. Worked for me!

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You should go... go.... go!! BM may be uncomfortable with this now, but she'll be uncomfortable with it eventually at any time you decide to go to any event in the future. Might as well tackle it now and nip it in the bud. I lived through this personally. I met DH when SD was 8. I went to birthday parties at mom's house (uncomfortable!!)... chorus concerts (not as uncomfortable!) and more. BM treated me with coolness, but I was always pleasant and respectful of the fact that this was not everyone's ideal situation, but it is what it is. Go... Be there for your SD. And in this case, I am going to say what a lot of people don't like to hear.... be the better bigger person in this situation. Smile and say hi to BM and if the 3 of you even have to sit together so be it. Like other posters have said here today - you have 12 more years of this, so everyone needs to get on the same page. And if BM tries to make it bad, or treats you badly, keep the smile on your face and let SD know that you are SO VERY HAPPY TO BE THERE FOR HER and her alone on this important day. Because that's what the day's about, isn't it? She's what matters. And DH needs to tell BM that. This isn't about BM... this is about SD and BM needs to get over it. BM can not like it and show it, and drive her daughter away by being stupid and acting like she doesn't like you - which is exactly what my SD's BioMom did. It backfired. SD does not have good memories of her mom or her mom's family at that beginning point in our relationship. And it has since strained their relationship. DH may want to share that tidbit with BioMom as well. SD is too young to understand the why's as in why would Mommy have a problem with Everyone's Interest? I love her!! So, last thing, in my own opinion of course, is that DH should NOT ask daughter again about you going. She's made her wants clear to all adults involved. Now it's up to the adults to make it good for the kiddle. Anyone?

what they want... In this case - the 6 year's olds wants are to have ALL of what she considers her FAMILY together to see her graduate, having fun together and just enjoying her day. That isn't a bad thing for a kid to ask for. I hear all the comments about giving a child too much power - yes I have lived through that too with DH and BM literally asking child about selling their house... which flipped my lid and drove me up the freakin' wall. A child doesn't need the responsibility of making decisions for us adults. But a child can ask for family to be there and by doing so, ask us to put our differences aside to see them excel. No one needs to ask child again what she wants, because what she wants is motivated by love for Everyones Interest - and that should be cultivated and respected! Again - this is all in my own (sometimes flawed!) opinion!

Your part of her life now and she does want you there, she's made that clear,(no need to keep asking her, imo)

...And you need to stand up for yourself now to the BM-I don't mean verbally-I mean by being there you will show her that she doesn't have control over you or your FH and what you choose to do in these situations. If you don't go it will set a precedent-DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN- It doesn't matter if it's uncomfortable for the adults the only thing that matters is that your SD knows that all her parents, Bio and Step, will love her, support her, and be there for her when it's important.

I had this same situation happen to me in the early stages of my relationship(I too got together with my husband while he was still married-long story, lots of extinuating circumstances.) My SD, who at the time was 8 invited me to go to a play that she was in at her school, it had only been a couple months since we had started doing things as a family and once BM found out she called my DH and told him she didn't want me there it would be too awkward-he told her that SD made a point to invite me and that I had every right to be there and she would just have to deal with it-we didn't have that problem again because BM knew that DH was going to stick up for me and that I wasn't going to stay away even if it did piss her off(and most importantly I wasn't going to let my SD down)

....also, I've always had a terrific relationship with both my SD's, 11 and 13, but they also act differently towards me when around their BM-not rude or dismissive-just more reserved, but when it's just us we're the best of friends, so don't let that bother you too much.

Good Luck

She wants you there, so go! It really doesn't matter what BM wants. Do not let BM control your life. Our BM desperately tries to control EVERYTHING in our lives. After all this time, she still tries to tell my husband what to do & how to do it. Um, they've been divorced for over 6 years...get a life!

BM wanting you to stay home & have your husband sit with her...uh, I don't think so! She needs a reality check! *If* for some reason you didn't go, your husband should sit as far away from her as possible. It's not a jealousy thing, it's a living 2 separate lives thing. BM needs to understand this. If he sits with her or "pretends" like they're one big happy family, not only will it be confusing to your SD, but to BM, as well. Trust me, there's something missing in their brains & they will see this as an open door for them.

Over the last 3 1/2 years, we've slowly stopped doing things with BM. She fought it kicking & screaming. Last summer, we had to tell her that we would each do separate birthday parties for SD8 because she was fully expecting us to throw a party & do all the work (as usual) & she would just show up for an hour & not lift a finger. BM was deeply offended by this. Then, when school started, my husband set up a separate parent-teacher conference from BM. BM blew a fuse over that. Then it was school pictures...previously they split a package every year, but every year if BM ended up with the pictures when they came in she would take forever to get them to us (one year we got them a whole year later, despite repeatedly asking for them!). BM did not take this "separation" easily & has gotten even bitchier than usual because of it.

Lesson: my husband should have done it YEARS ago. He let it go too long & BM used it for all it was worth. There needs to be a handbook on this for people getting divorced...