Abuse of Child Support Payments? or Abuse from Ex-Wife?

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So we have an ex-wife who recieves $$$$.00 a month for a daughter she never has.

Between us and grandparents/in-laws she sees the child 1-2 days a week.
we told grandparents to stop enabling ex-wife but they dont listen...they love having her.

Ex-wife has WAY more money then us, has her own business, travels on vacation once a month, business trips and her out-of-town boyfriend she goes to visit....she can pick and choose her own hours and she has staff who works for her, but when it comes to her daughter she cant even pick her up from school at 3:30 becuase shes "busy"

The grandparents live accross the street from us , so child might be "visiting grandparents" but SD still comes over to our house to "hang out" on our "off days"..we have her 2-3 days a week per legal agreement and grandparents have her 2-3 a week also.

I'm at the end of my rope...husband is trying "keep the peace" with everyone and I'm turning into the bad guy in everyones eyes.

ex-wife is living the life of a rock star and we/this family is her glorified babysitting service...husband and I both work and we live paycheck to paycheck

Husband asked ex-wife to cut him a break on child support since this family has the child 90% of the time and she said NO...so do we have a leg to stand on in court? going to court will cost huge money !!!! money we dont have.... do we suck it up or continue with the ex-wife taking advantage?

Worst a judge can say is no.

Worst a judge can say is no. And if you do it yourself it's just the filing fee. Has there been a financial change or is it just having the kid more?

I'd file pro se, or just

I'd file pro se, or just consult with an attorney. She doesn't have to "cut him a break" on CS. He needs to file for a modification and a court can force the issue.

I look at it this

I look at it this way..between the four of us caring for 11 year old child (husband,myself,grandpa,grandma)it has worked out okay ( even though nobody a life because of it)...but what gets me is I think ex-wife should compensate for our/families time...in the real world she would have to pay for childcare.

I know tons of women who dont have the luxury of what the ex-wife has...and they still pick-up/drop off the child at school, take child on vacations with them....the ex-wife is just entitled and struts around with the golden uterus complex.

When ex-wife says jump everyone says "how high"...I have been married into this family for less then a year and I'm sick of this arrangment...very one sided.

There has been a time or two when my husband has to "call in sick" for two days and loose out on several hundred dollars becouse the ex-wife has plans and its his week-end to have child.

This family goes above and beyond what required in the court agreement and the ex-wife wont help us when we have to work or cut back on child support for this family helping her out.

I have asked my inlaws and husband to say NO and obide by the court agreement, nothing more nothing less, ex-wife wont bend for us then we play by the rules of the court and child comes here 2-3 days week as per legal agreement...but they/family use guilt on me..."its not the childs fault and you want to take her away from her family" they say to me...so am I the bad guy?

Um, ok. You're the brand

:jawdrop:

Um, ok.
You're the brand spanking new second wife. And... you're already telling (asking) your DH AND his family what they should and shouldn't do with regard to SD.
Honey, you ARE making yourself the "bad guy" here. Step off and step back.
This family (Dh, his parents, SD) existed just fine without you before, and I'm pretty sure they'd be able to do it again if they get tired of you.

If YOU don't want to watch SD, fine. Then don't. You control you. And leave everyone else alone, or you'll find yourself alienated.

Whoa. That is pretty rough

Whoa. That is pretty rough SAF. She is the wife and SM. She does need to be considered. It can't always be about the kids first. If a marriage falls apart, then there is no home. "They'd be able to do it again without you"? You were comfortable writing that?

wife2- I say that you just buy your time for right now and see how it plays out. It is true that "You control you", so if it isn't working then you can take a break from it. Nothing says that you have to be there every time you are called. Go do something for yourself if you feel like it.
But as far as shutting up cuz you're the new wife- no, you do have a say. Say it nicely and then just go about your business. Be firm and fair. The rest will follow suit (we hope) and if it doesn't, then it isn't for you and YOU chose what you do then.

Have BM's or DH's income

Have BM's or DH's income changed? Most states have a minimum the CS would change by, too. You know, like at least a 15% change in CS amount or something like that.
If she has a business and a staff, she probably IS busy at 3:30. Seems kinda surprising you think she's just sitting in her office staring at the clock.
Grandparents watch the kids a few days a week. So what? That's THEIR CHOICE. Even you said they have no problem with it.
If your DH was ordered to pay CS with four figures every month, he must make a pretty penny, too.
The court will set CS based on the legal agreement. If you don't like that agreement, you could try to change it. But the court won't see a CO and then issue a CS order based on something different.
I have to say, from the tone of this post, it sounds like you're a little jealous of BM's success and her finances. Perhaps others are picking up on that and that's why you're becoming the bad guy in everyone's eyes?

Bad day, StickAFork???

Not in the least. It's

Not in the least. It's amusing when the new wife comes on the scene and decides she's going to set everyone straight, and THEN wonders why she's being made to be the bad guy. Well, duhhhh...

OP's DH is paying WHAT HE IS ORDERED TO. Nowhere did she state he's paying above and beyond the court order. S/He just want BM to "give him a break" on it. Well, she doesn't have to, and I have never met one that actually did that. DH was paying that CS long before he married OP, too.
Instead, new wifey's on the scene and trying to tell the GRANDPARENTS what they should and shouldn't do with regard to their grandchildren.

She's not gonna win friends like this. And she WILL be the bad guy in that whole family. This is a recipe for disaster!

I have a question. How long

I have a question. How long do you spend in your "new" family before you can make demands about how family time is spent? At what point do you have the right to loyalty and emotional support from your in-law's?

I am not trying to provoke, I am honestly curious.

I don't make demands in my

I don't make demands in my household. My DH and I work out compromises.
No, I have no "right" to loyalty and emotional support from my inlaws. Matter of fact, I don't get that now, and I don't care.
They are totally in love with BM. She goes to their house for holidays. I could care less.

I sure as hell didn't walk into my marriage determined to change how everything was handled by everyone in the extended family. That's uber-arrogant, imo. In this particular case, the op's dh is paying what is ordered. He's not paying extra. This isn't affecting Op at all, except that she thinks she has the right to tell everyone what to do.
Sigh. I just don't get it.

Would it make a difference if

Would it make a difference if you had children and the decisions that were being made impacted them negatively? Or that the issues you were trying to address were an effort to help his kids? Sometimes there is good reason to change the status quo. Here is another question, would you let the ex-wife make decisions as to how your relationship with the ex progressed if she couched as what is best for the kids?

I am asking because I like and respect the majority of your posts, and I know you come from a wealth of experience.

I am in final throes of a death match with ex-wife over custody. She claims the reason she hates me, and the reason she is lying to the court and claiming I am a danger to her children is because I interfered in her relationship with my husband (she was remarried before I ever met him). I have made quite a few demands but those demands focus on things that happen inside our home. I could care less what she does when they are in her home or the in laws home, except when they bring issues back to my house from there, like being told they don't have to listen to me, and telling their father Mom said he was a loser.

I just want to know where you consider the line in "interfering".

I do have kids, and household

I do have kids, and household decisions affect them.

There is no harm being done to the SD by being with her grandparents or her father/SM. This particular status quo bothers no one except for the new SM, who seems to have issues with just about everything...BM gets too much CS, she hasn't "earned/worked for" her success like the OP has, she doesn't watch her daughter like the OP thinks she should, the grandparents watch SD more than the OP thinks they should, ad nauseum...

I don't agree that the phrase "it's for the kids" should be an all-access, backstage pass to one's life. My DH run our home they way WE choose. There have been numerous times BM didn't like it, but...well, TOUGH. It's none of her concern. She's pushed it, went to court, got a GAL, got a therapist for SD so she had "support," etc. She REALLY, REALLY wanted to control what happened in our home.
No dice. Line drawn when it comes to interfering.
I don't make demands in my home. I would be pissed if DH did that, too.

All that said, the OP here is just pissy that BM's life is "too easy" and she gets CS when family members watch the girl. She wants to tell the grandparents not to! (That is the craziest thing I've heard in a long time.) At the end of the day, CS is calculated on income and time share. Time share uses overnights. So, EVEN IF SD is at gramma's house EVERY single afternoon, she sleeps at her mom's house, hence...mom gets the CS for those days.

I think you are missing the

I think you are missing the point. I believe the only reason she is asking for a break in CS is because the BM only has the child 1-2 days a week, so why should the BM be entitled to the amount she is receiving for CS if everyone else has her child? What CS being used for if BM hardly has the child?

I believe most people post on this site, when respoding to compaints about BM say ...follow what the court order says - nothing more, nothing less. Therefore, the 2nd wife is just asking that they follow the court order and if they can't then she would like to see a reduction in CS.

The ONLY people bound by the

The ONLY people bound by the court order are DH and BM. NOT the grandparents. Shit, using this argument, BM's own parents wouldn't be "allowed" to watch their granddaughter, either, according to OP.
If OP and her DH want to stick to the court order, then they should. But no one else is bound to that.

Honestly, this is super arrogant to tell the grandparents they shouldn't watch their GD. I would never even think of doing that, I'd never tolerate anyone telling me that. It's just...crazy.

Thank you!

Thank you! Journey1982...thats extactly what I'm trying to get accross...and the CS is not going toward the child that we know for a fact!!!
I want to see some changes in my home and/or family finaces and its my god given right as a wife and partner.

LOL, wife2. You will learn

LOL, wife2. You will learn through experience. It will kick you in the head and teach you a lesson.

Good luck with this. I have a strong suspicion you're gonna need it!

That's just it. She has

That's just it. She has family members who want to be with her and watch her. OP just thinks the CS should get some kind of break for it.

The truth is...if OP pushes this, BM can just put the kid in childcare, make DH pay HALF (or more!) and then the grandparents can pick the kid up when they want.

So... if the OP doesn't want to pay MORE, she should keep her thoughts to herself...or between her and her DH.

Alot of insight from

Alot of insight from everyone...well, my husband doesnt make alot of money and he works his ass off, I set up this home and 90% of everying in it was mine when we got this house (he came with a TV and a sofa) without my contributions we wouldnt have what we have...am I jelous of the new wife?..HELL NO...I am successfull in my career also. I know what the ex-wife does for a living and maybe 10% of her day is at her clothing store "checking in" on her staff...the rest of the time is spent at the salon or gym or out of town living it up...not to mention trying to land married dentist (hang on to your husbands girls)

There is no reason why the (ex-wife) cant involve the daughter more in her life and include her in her "healthy" activities...but the child is "dumped off" all the time for every little reason and we pay alot of money for the privelege....so take your pick, everyone will obide by the rules of the court (2-3 days a week) or child support will stop and we will GLADLY take her full time as we do already....I think thats fare.

This "dumping off the child" has been going on for two years now that the ex-wife is a swinging single again, for 8 years my husbsand had to fight tooth and nail to see his child when she had a rich powerful boyfriend in her life ( BTW he's not rich anymore)...it seems like we are at the mercy of the ex-wife and whats going on in her world.

I see women with less help, less money and less resorces being better parents then she is (either bio or step.)

And as far as the ex-wife success...LMAO...you can thank the two men she took to the bank (one being my husband)...for being a night club waitress she did pretty good... I went to college to earn mine.

Where was your DH living

Where was your DH living before he moved in with you?

I understand you don't think

I understand you don't think BM is a good mother. She may not be. But you're missing the point... the fact that family members WANT to watch the child (or have her "dumped off" with them) does NOT impact the CS order.
You're talking apples and oranges. If you don't want SD at your house, then don't watch her. If DH isn't home, don't watch her. But if she's with her grandparents 2-3 days a week, that part is none of your concern. Honestly, I cannot fathom why it bothers you so. :?

I agree. I went to college and earned degrees to get where I am in life. I came from VERY humble beginnings. My divorce didn't net me a cent, and my XH hasn't paid CS in years. But, if BM used that money she got to open/run a business, and it's still thriving enough to spend her days traveling, at the salon and spa, especially in today's economy, then she's doing something right.

Honestly, I wouldn't push this. She'll just sign the kid up for daycare, make your DH pay for it, and then not send her. Just to spite you. Because she can. And she's no fool...

Dear, stickafork. He was

Dear, stickafork.

He was living in a condo with a male co-worker/friend.
I had my own house...we never lived together prior to marriage.

We chose this home together...we moved in it together, we chose this house accross the street from his parents for the sake of his daughter, so we could be close to the family and make the marriage transition easy on child.

Ok, I was just wondering how

Ok, I was just wondering how he had nothing but a sofa.
If you chose a home across the street from the GP, did you not know that they had the GD often?
BTW, GPs are a cool resource for kids. They offer something that parents cannot. I actually think it's rather nice for SD that she can see them every week. My GPs sucked.

Dear Stickafork, thanks for

Dear Stickafork, thanks for the input. Her business is not thriving; her ex-boyfriend of 8 years looked into the business when she wanted HIM buy it and he would NOT finace the endeavor as the books were bad and didnt show much of a profit...so she left him, took him for the money in a common-law settlement and got her way in the end...ex-wife lives with her mother, child lives with this family 90% of the time...and the child support that comes from my husband, goes to her new endeavor, chasing a married man and living the life of a celebrity.

Dear Stickafork I did not

Dear Stickafork

I did not know alot of things prior to living with husband or living accross the street from GP as stated before we never lived together prior to marriage...and yes, GP can be of use, however, grandmother had a stroke this spring and ex-wife was told by my husband to back-off on her "childcare" demands with GP...but ex-wife doesnt care and still calls over there and whines and plays the "I'm so stuck for a sitter" and plays the guilt game, she tried it on me as soon as we moved into this house she seen me as a new childcare resource and I very quickly put a stop to it...so she doesnt try...she is not stuck, she has exhausted all her resourses on her side and nobody wants to do her favors anymore ! its just hard to land a married dentist with an 11 year old hanging around...out of site out of mind.

ok, just tuning in... this

ok, just tuning in... this has been a very confusing post to follow! I gather from reading your first post, that DH pays a four digit CS each month? For one child? with shared parenting? and it is HIS parents that keep the child also? more questions... when you say 2-3 DAYS per week... is that literal? In other words, is the child with DH and GP's during the day and with BM at night? Or are these overnight visits away from BM? Also, you have contradicted yourself... in your first post, BM has WAY more money... but later you say she is not very wealthy and that her books were not showing much profit. She could be hiding or funneling money. Either way, what is the real problem? having SD so much or wanting to save money by paying less in CS? I do think it would mean something to the court that BM never has the child, but then another question comes to mind... is there a clause in their decree that says BM has to give DH the first option of keeping SD when she is unable to for a period of 12 hours or more? If so, why do the GP's have her so much? If DH really wanted the child, why does he not insist on her staying with him instead of his parents? Because if he is the one saying no, or allowing this to go on, he is just about as guilty as BM of "dumping" the SD. I am not trying to stir the pot, just trying to figure this out. And yes, if you are going in to the very beginning of this marriage trying to make changes to a situation everyone else seemed okay with, then you are going to be the bad guy. My ex is getting married soon and his new wife better not waltz in a perfectly fine tuned arrangement and start trying to mess things up... just saying.

# one...ex-wife has more

# one...ex-wife has more money then we do (for now)...is her business going well?...NO

# two...between us and the grandparents (who live accross the street)we have her days AND nights 5-6 days a week..ALL of us work (except grandma who had a stroke) so we/the family share childcare duties...I will be parenting this weekend becouse everyone else is working and I'm off.

# three... my husband and I would have her 7 days a week if we let the ex-wife get away with it but we dont (I had to put my foot down in my house)...so what happens is we will have her for 2-3 days ( per court order )if I or husband has an extra day off sometimes we go above that we have done 4-6 days a week...child goes home to moms house and one-two days later BM hits up the GP/my in-laws for a couple more days...sometimes its 4-5 days over there...just in time to go back to our place...DAYS AND NIGHTS...put it this way, this women hardly sees her child and we pay CS...the ex-wife has it down to a science not to have child. We even pick up/drop off child at school on days BM has her becouse shes "busy"...BM is on a fast track chasing her next meal ticket, vacations once a month, bussiness trips that last a week...so on and so on.... so,if she has NO time to be a mother....then let us have the child (we already do) or if the CS means so much to her then she needs to put on her big girl panties and do her share of the parenting.

....and hows this for a kick

....and hows this for a kick in the teeth: last month; Husband and myself had the child for 8 days/nights so she could go on ANOTHER vacation with boyfriend/bussiness trip back to back...she came to collect the child on a thursday and friday (very next day) she calls us and says "what time you want child dropped off ?" (we get her friday night to monday morning) My husband just got a call to work over the week-end and asked BM... "can you please keep her this week-end we both have to work and GP are out of town...besides, we just had her for the last 8 days and covered the trip you just took"....BM got pissy on the phone with him and said NO WAY! it is YOUR week-end and YOU have to take her! plus I have plans she said....BM is such a sweetie pie.

Dear Kristinmarie, Thanks

Dear Kristinmarie,

Thanks for you input. I "kinda" hear what your saying...but look at it this way, she is getting paid X dollars a month to be the primary parent (per court agreement)we have her week-ends...and we do take her week-ends plus some, on top of that BM takes child to GP also...I'm talking about days and night here. there is NO reason to "dump" child off all the time on people the way she does; her life is very flexable, she has the whole day to sit in a salon/gym/nails etc... she is not "stuck" by no means, she just chooses not to be a parent, she wants everyone else do the parenting and wants my husbsand to finance her freedom...how can one justify going "tanning" as a childcare delema? how can one justify getting their nails done a 911 emergency?...in most peoples world its called "time management"...when we have SD for 2-3 days that should give her ample time to take care of her personal business, for crying out loud she has ONE child not three or four....most families can juggle careers ,children, soccer practice, running errands...etc..etc...

Now as far as the child goes, your correct...we are tired of seeing her bounce around from house to house to house and living out of a backpack. We want to see stability, the SD has three sets of rules for three different homes, so yes stability is a good thing....We would LOVE to see her mother provide her with more parenting and attention...BUT if her life is to "busy" that she cant provide that kind of parenting then YES we will gladly take the child full time..GP said they would help us with childcare as they do BM...and YES we have talked to BM about this but she said NO...so yes, its an extortion, the child is a meal ticket...do you think its okay for BM to get CS for 8 days of parenting a month?...we do about 14+ days a month, GP do about 10+....so look at the numbers, we dont even want money from BM, we are not even talking about taking BM for CS, but we are tired of paying someone for not doing their job!...hell, we should pay grandparents CS instead, at least we know where the money goes...lol..

I didn't read all the

I didn't read all the responses-but yea I'm in a similar situation. BM has 50/50 custody of Skids, but between us, and all 4 grandparents, she has her kids a couple of days a week tops (and those are school days so she only sees them a few hours). In the summer they are w/us every weekend, then SO's parents 3-4 days a week, and her parents most of the other days. But, none of that is taken into consideration when it comes to CS, so she gets way more than she should.

Lazy ass. SO frustrating.

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Abuse of Child Support Payments? or Abuse from Ex-Wife?