adult step daughters ruining my marriage
I am new to this site but have read so many things that have help me. I decided to go ahead and post what I’m going through because maybe someone similar is out there.
I have two adult stepchildren and one teen and one adult and one teen biological. When I first came into the house all the children seemed excited. But it changed very quickly. My husband’s two daughters have made my life a living h**l! Over the course of our relationship my husband and I have tried to discuss it but it always ends up in a fight. I’m at the point I don’t know what else to do because they causes conflict constantly.
A little background the daughters have not wanted me here pretty much from the time I came into the picture. There has been jealousy and resentment. On numerous occasions they have stole and lied and made other family members not like me to the point they won’t even speak to my husband. I have always felt that it was my fault and that I wasn’t doing something wrong. They have never all like to me at the same time. One minute one of the girls will talk to me And be friends and rely on me to help them, but then that one will get mad at me and the other one is good. I have never had all of his family like me at the same time. It’s became a struggle the older they get because my husband one minute agrees with me and says he will handle it and the next feel sorry for him the and be friends and rely on me to help them, but then that one will get mad at me and the other ones good. I have never had all of his family like me at the same time. It’s became a struggle the older they get because my husband one minute agrees with me and says he will handle it and the next feel sorry for them. He was never a disciplinary and before I came into the picture and he divorced his eggs he pretty much let them run wild the boy girlfriend lived here the other ones never had a curfew or never told no. When I came into the picture a lot changed and I understand that they didn’t like the change but change is inevitable. All three of the children have moved out even the teenager which moved in with her grandparents and has complete control pretty much. I thought with that happening things will get easier but my husband feels guilty that they’re not in the house and that he’s not taking care of them and paying their insurance and stuff like that. They are rude hateful when they don’t like me. They do vindictive things to make my husband think I’ve done things I haven’t. They will talk to my husband like everything is perfect but then go behind our back’s and tell everyone how horrible we both are but he can’t seem to get it through his head how they’re being. I just don’t know what to do anymore. They gang up on me and make me feel worthless like I’m not good enough to be with their dad. They say things like before you came along everything was perfect and I just want it back that way. When I first moved in he was never home but since the day I moved in he comes home every day after work I cooked supper I clean the house there was animals in the home that were being taken care of that are healthy and happy now but yet I’m still a problem. My husband fights with me anytime their name is brought they gang up on me and make me feel worthless like I’m not good enough to be with their dad. They say things like before you came along everything was perfect and I just want it back that way. When I first moved in he was never home but since the day I moved in he comes home every day after work I could supper I clean the house there was animals in the home that were being taken care of that are healthy and happy now but yet I’m still a problem. My husband fights with me anytime their name is brought up. He never wants to deal with them with me it’s always calling or texting them when I’m not around and it’s starting to make me feel like things are said that I should know or hear or maybe my husband doesn’t take it for me and I’ve never felt like he has with them. We had to put a lock on her door because of things stolen we have caught the 17-year-old doing things she shouldn’t be but no one around us believe she’s as bad as she is and he knows all of the things yet steel feel sorry for Her. The sad thing is I keep trying I am at sporting events I support them I would do anything for him and I love them all. But it’s to the point my own health is in jeopardy because I stress so much about it and I have no one to talk to because my husband just fights with me about it and I feel like he doesn’t care what I’m going through he says I’ll make it up in my head. He says I’ll bring it to the table because on the only one to discuss it with him yet when they talk to him they act like everything‘s fine and lie to him. I’m a very honest person how I feel comes directly out. It’s sad because both my children have avvepted him. The past few months I felt like he resents my children for being such good kids. I really don’t know what to do I don’t want to get a divorce but it’s getting to the point I can’t take no more and he won’t do nothing about it. I even made a video for one of the girls sports banquet to show how much I cared made her cry and everything but it wasn’t enough. I am really lost and don’t know what to do. I apologize this is so long but over the last two years there so much this went on I can’t even put into words at this point . I could go on and on about how vindictive all and the things I’ve done but what’s the point I just want to know there’s others out there who are lost and feel like they’re losing blood from their husband because of situations like this. Please help
Sorry
For some reason it wrote double stuff and I didn’t mean for it to I didn’t notice till after I posted it
It’s hard to disengage
I really just don’t know how to disengage! I really appreciate all that you said and it does make total sense. My husband has always held family and her regard and it one point I feel like that I was part of that. But now I feel like we’re falling apart. I don’t want to lose my marriage but his kids have been the major thing we forgot about and unfortunately because of them I have insecurities because they brought things to the table that now I don’t trust any of them. It sucks because honestly my husband and I have a love like no weather and when we’re not dealing with it We are so close and happy it’s sad to say sometimes you just want them to get out of the picture and leave us alone or be happy with us and just smile.
adult step daughters ruining my marriage
I have been reading posts about manipulative step daughters now for awhile and while I hate to see so many with this problem, there is something strangely comforting in knowing others actually understand my situation. When I try to explain to my husband how his adult daughter is being manipulative he just blows me off and says nonsense. I actually caught her in the middle of one of many manipulation tactics yesterday and was able to point it and it registered with him for the first time in 20 years ( we married when our children were young and this HAS always been an issue and is now even worse that they are all adults), After it registered with him what she was doing he got mad at ME and told me he didn't want to talk about and she means no harm. Sigh sigh sigh. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship until his oldest daughter gets some sort of burr under her saddle and just goes off the deep end. I understand how you feel and I too am trying to learn to just "disengage" but it sure is not easy!!
You and your husband need to
You and your husband need to go to a therapist to work this out, and he needs to learn how to set boundaries and what his priorities are.
The kids are bitter because they aren’t in control anymore- and you need to just step back and get a therapist to help you deal with it.
Thank you
Thank you all for your kind words I’m not sure that we will go to a therapist we did it once it helped so much! But haven’t been able to get him to go since but disengaging will be hard because he will be angry at me he is today already when I said I wanted to but I don’t know how to be happy unless I just start caring about my family my kids my life and my husband is a big part of that and I love him unconditionally but I cannot handle these children anymore. You’re right in saying I need to find my sanity! This forum made me realize I’m not alone. I am so sorry that you ended in divorce it’s frustrating to know that if it continues the way it is that that could happen to us because truly we are happy when this is an issue. I’ll pray a lot to God to help but it seems like the situation just gets worse.
The Lord helps those who help
The Lord helps those who help themselves, so it's up to you to take your power back and do what needs doing in order to bring peace to your life. If you're here, it's because step life has become so untenable that you want It to change, but first you need to stop hoping your H will protect you. You need to find your own solutions.
It sounds as if there's a lot of crazy making going on, caused by your H's daughters. You're caught up in the emotion of being attacked and undermined, used and toyed with, and can't get your H to see it and stop it. Is this right?
A lot of us ended up on StepTalk because our spouses either can't or won't see the misery their kids cause and do something about it. Men just want to be comfortable, and a lot of them avoid conflict with their kids. These men are ineffectual parents, and just want us stepmoms to stop whining and complaining. Some see their wives and daughters as equals instead of placing the wife at his side as joint leaders of the family. My own non-parent spouse would avoid, deflect, ignore, and when forced would shrug and claim that because his daughter was an adult, there was nothing he could do.
You married into dysfunction. These people were broken before you came along, and no matter how hard you try to be a good stepmother, they won't change. The problems aren't yours to fix, and simply above your paygrade. If you were Mother Teresa, you still couldn't create a cohesive blended family.
So, stop chasing them, and start working on healing the hurt this situation has caused you. Take a deep cleansing breathe, and let go of your H's kids. Let go of trying to make a place for yourself in THEIR family. Let go of trying to please everyone else. You tried, it didn't work, oh well, this happens a lot in second marriages, time to detach from the skids. Reclassify them in your mind and think of them as you would a cousin of your husband - his people, but not your people. Start mentally distancing yourself from them. Start fading back from all things concerning them. Become busy with your own kids and your own needs. Don't discuss the skids with your H. Think of it as you would when your H relates a story about his job and co-workers - not that interesting and nothing to do with you.
Thanks
*i-m_so_happy* I really appreciate and love the advice you gave. I agree 100% it’s time for me to detach myself from the situation. It’s been really hard because I just wanted to be happy with my husband and make him happy and forgot who I was and my family. That is the exact way my husband deals with it but eventually he gets angry at me and blames me for everything going on because I’m the only one that talks about it directly to him. Everything else is either hearsay from me or behind his back from others and he wants to see it directly that’s when he will do something. I just can’t wait any longer I’ve prayed so much about it and I feel like your advice was an answer from God because I’ve been so confused. Thank you so much! I don’t feel as guilty knowing worrying about myself it’s OK.
I can totally relate!!! I
I can totally relate!!! I have two SDs 23 and 19. I have gotten along with SD23 ever since I came on the scene (8 years) but have always despised SD19. As others have said though, while SD19 is a complete needy moron loser, it's DW that enables her. DW trys everything in her power to keep both kids dependent, and expects ME to pay for it! The latest is DW encouraging SD23 to take a "gap year" after graduating from college (it's taken 5 years) and of course "live at home", which translates into, sleep, lay around, have fun, relax and we'll pay for everything. I'm about to blow my stack!!!
I've disengaged from SD19, because I honestly dispise her. I definately will be disingaging from all three of them if SD23 moves back home and trys to freeload on my dime!
I'm coming to the conclusion, and I would encourace you to do the same, that even though you may love your spouse (I do for the most part), life is too short to have your ruined by spoiled, coddled needy, entitled kids that arent yours!
I guess
What bothers me is most of the post I read or from SM that the children of the H Are this way. I just can’t fathom it because my children are respectful happy for me and brought open arms with my ag are this way. I just can’t fathom it because my children are respectful happy for me and brought open arms with for my H. I am sick of these bratty kids!
White space please. So that
White space please. So that we can read your posts and get through it to provide feedback.
Sorry
I’m not really sure I understand what you mean about that could you explain it to me more?
First things first.... you
First things first.... you don’t acthally tell DH that you are disengaging, you just do it. Talking about it actually takes away Amy effectiveness it has- instead you just act on it. It also had to be genuine... you have to decide internally that you aren’t dealing with their drama and crap anymore and are no removing yourself from it emotionally.
The only thing is that disengaging only gets you so far for so long. If things keep happening eventually you are going to re-engage and it is gonna be nasty cuz from suppressing so much you are gonna blow at some point.
Your DH doesn’t want to go to a therapist because he knows what he is doing is wrong and just doesn’t want to hear about it. This should be a clue for you.
I’m not!
Absolutely not these SD are not going to have a clue what I’m doing until they realize I’m not there to take care of them anymore. I do believe in some cases you’re right that my H does not want to go back to therapy because he saw things when we were going that he didn’t want to realize. He’s the type of man he has to realize it on his own and think it’s his thought process which I think is most man LOL. But I definitely have decided to do this and last night was the first night I didn’t stress about what those girls were going to do to me or what it would calls the next day! The only problem is I am left scarred and I have always been someone who is confident and now that Confidence level is gone and I have to find it again I have to find myself!
Things are looking up for the moment.
My husband and I had a long talk about the disengaging. We actually got a huge fight at first because he made me realize he was just tired of the nagging that he felt I was giving on my end. He called DH 23 yesterday and made it clear that if she didn’t want to have a normal adult DH relationship with both of us then he was disengaging himself and I would for good or until she grew up. Things may not be perfect but I know my husband loves me and has taken up for me many times in his way. I disagreed that he had a conversation with her without me present because it was all about me. She tried to pull that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings is why she completely dropped me and he told her that it was a load of bull. He didn’t let her really speak and when she tried to go off topic about the past he told her he didn’t want to hear it. I do believe the things that were said and I pray that the disengaging for me does making things better and not worse. The SD 17 had gotten to where I spoke to her every day but since she’s been hanging out with SD 23 I don’t hear from her. The last time my husband spoke to SD 23 he thought everything was fine. After the conversation he told me she seemed OK with what he said but come to find out 10 minutes later she had texted and talked bad about us to the SD 17. This time he got smart he called SD 17 right after his conversation and of course the SD 23 had already contacted her. She said that nothing bad was said but from previous experience we know different. Bottom line is he told her she needs to get over it and move on to have a relationship with both of us not just him or it would be one of those situations to where we only dealt with each other when we had to and that’s it. We discussed every situation that I had and decided as of yesterday not to discuss them at all between us. These daughters have caused my insecurities to come out. They have made comments about my clothes like saying I look like a prostitute. Or I’m too old to wear that kind of stuff. They bring up women of his past or women that we see and say how much they love him and are attracted to him and have a crush on him. They told me how close they were and things these women did for him when he was single! We won’t even talk about the ex and how they brought her up! Which she is a whole story I’ve dealt with and she’s not their biological mother!! Their mother died at an early age, which is something I have had to listen to bc everyone made her out to be a saint. Not talking bad about her at all she was a great person! It’s just everyone in his family created an unreal expectation for anyone new coming in bc these girls believe if she was still alive their life would be perfect, but to hear my husbands true feelings he thinks it would have never worked for long. They would tell others lies and caused his mother sisters and others not to talk to us! I believed them for so long bc I just wanted a relationship with them! But they are toxic! Selfish! Only did things to get what they wanted. They would insult me indirectly constantly. my husband would always tell me I just need to let it roll off my back. They are just brats! But he wanted to believe they weren’t like that it’s taken him to actually pay attention and see how hard I tried to notice it. I’ve reached out and tried to contact them to work things out they won’t text me back would call me back. I have tried so hard and I’m done! My H would say just need to let it roll off my back. But he wanted to believe they were like that it’s taking him to actually pay attention and see how hard I’ve tried to notice it. I’ve reached out and tried to contact them to work things out they won’t text me back wouldn’t call me back. I have tried so hard and I’m done! so now I have a lot of work to do on myself to get those under wraps. I’m actually angry at myself that I let these girls make me feel so insecure and make me feel so low and worthless and control my life for almost a year and a half. I do feel like my husband and I will be better off not having a relationship with them until they grow up. On a good note I went with my daughter and had dinner and just enjoyed the day with her without any worries of any of the other stuff. We discussed how we had put things off and how I had put so much effort into pleasing his DH that I was neglecting my own children now I’m rebuilding a relationship with them. I actually discussed with him and my children of hell I may not even have a Christmas at our home because it was so much drama last year and they all agreed they understood. We had discussed how he was resentful towards my children and he realized he was doing it maybe not for the sake of his children but just because he got to where he needed to back off from everybody. I feel like it is a step in the right direction for the first time we’re on the same page when it comes to his girls! One day they will see how immature they are I hope. In my last conversation of this I still have fears because one of them is getting married next October and she thinks that her dad should be the center but I am just a guest. My husband just tells me it hasn’t come yet and maybe things will change if not will deal with it then! I have decided that I don’t think I’m even going to go to the wedding and I also expressed my husband that if things stay the same with how she treats me and him I thought it would be a good idea for him not to also. Maybe that’s wrong but I think that these girls need to quit getting everything they want how they want it and everybody bending over backwards for them and actually getting a slap in the face and a rude awakening of if you treat people bad then there are consequences. Thank you all for the advice and I will keep posting and I want to keep hearing what you guys have to say! I do think that if you love your spouse you fight for your spouse and disengage from his children because love only comes around so often and God will see you through! It’s been a long exhausting road now I want my life back!!!