advice
I was surfing the web and found this site. I am confused and would not mind some input from other individuals who have had simialr experiences or just know a heck of a lot more than me...
Ahyhoo. I am divorced -- been divorced since 2003. One daughter who is now 11. In 2003, I met a wonderful lady. She had been divorced since 2000 and has twin (now) 10 year old boys. Me and my ex do not get along, do not speak and the anger has tended to fade. The lady I met had an amicable divorce with her ex, but he is not very involved with his kids. If he has "interesting" things to do in his life, he will not see the kids for a month or two.
She has a very laid back parenting style. She gives the boys "time outs." My daughter is very well behaved and I am very active in her life.
We started out okay -- but her boys have a history of acting up. I have asked whether they are ADHD, she swears they are not even though biological dad has trouble wiht them.
Full blown tantrums. Screaming fits; cursing me out in front of my daughter. We moved in together after a year of dating. I stood back and was supportive of her and let her discipline the kids, but it doesn't work. It keeps escalating. One child likes me, the other has full blown tantrums -- screaming fits; trashing his room; breaking things; running away. His behavior is in public and in private.
Well, in April my father passed away. In May, SS #2 decided to throw another temper tantrum. SS #1 said it was the season finale of Supernatural SS#2 said no. SS#1 pushed him, he fell down crying in the kitchen. Screaming fit erupts. Child has done as he has done the last three years -- yells and screams at me to get out of the house. Mother is not supportive and lets him scream.
I tell her (as I have done in the past -- she is letting him run the house. She screams at me to get out. Throws me and my daughter out in the street (after three years of living there and 4 years of dating.) Two days later she wants me to move back in -- I move out.
The advice I am looking for is that SS#2's behavior is at the extreme edges. She will not seek medical treatment or psychological treatment for him. She has thrown half filled soda bottles at him out of anger. I was raised that spanking is a puniishment -- not one I like, but at times it is necessary.
Anyway, we have been out of the house for 3 months now. Behavior is continuing. She wants me back. She is a wonderful lady, but SS#2 is a terror. Doesn't seem to change. Doesn't seem like either he or his mom want to change.
Referrals to books or things that could guide me?
Swift kick in the pants?
hmmm....
I guess my personal opinion is if the relationship is going to work at all you both have to agree on one parenting style and work as a team. My BF and I are doing the Love and Logic parenting class. You can buy the book online. It's a VERY good program. I'll admit we both spank as we both feel it's needed at times. But most of the time the Love and Logic approach works the best. If she's always siding with her kids and not backing you I don't think it will work. She needs to realize if she wants you back she needs to work with you and not always let her kids run her life... Good luck
A 10-year-old child has no
A 10-year-old child has no business acting this way. The screaming, cursing, physical abuse is not normal and at his age if Mom is still not willing to seek any help for his tantrums and making excuses, then you are facing an uphill battle for sure and it's not one that I can foresee you winning.
If the mother is in denial about her child's behavior, there is little that you can do to change her mind until SHE wants to face the problem. I would not get involved again before she commits to seeking help for this child. If she wants to live her life in this chaotic situation, that's certainly her right, but in no way should you or your daughter be subjected to that.
Do remember, however, that this IS a child we're talking about, and it's up to the adults to care for his well-being. If he's simply got an anger/attitude problem, then his mother has the responsibility to curb that for his own good. If she chooses not to, she is simply encouraging it and what kid isn't going to run wild when there are no consequences? If he DOES have something psychological going on, that's not his fault either and again, Mom needs to step it up and seek help for him. The bottom line is that if you choose to go back, whatever happens, try not to take your frustrations out of the kid. If he was 17, I'd not be so sympathetic. But at 10, he's virtually a baby and he needs some guidance.
I would absolutely give her an ultimatum--either she seeks help for this problem, or you are not returning.
Best of luck,
Krissy
I Agree with Krissy
Just remember the situation did not work before. How do you expect it to work now when nothing is different? If BM wants you back you need to insist she seeks help for her child. Otherwise you will only be going back and have to turn around and move again. I really don't think it is a situation I would subject your daughter to.
Good advice ...
Both posts are good advice ... you both need to agree on a parenting style, and I'd be pretty pissed with the fact she just threw me (and my daughter) out in the street. That shows me that she doesn't really care for the well being of my daughter. And 10-year olds should not run the house ... they ARE children and you ARE parents.
Best bet, if you really want to make it work with this lady, is to stay living apart, but attend co-parenting counseling together until you can agree on a parenting style that works for you both. SS needs to be in counseling as well. His behavior is not normal.
Bottom line for me would be, what is in my daughter's best interests?
~ Katrina
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this. Read my previous thread under "Blended family issues" called "HELP ME PLEASE!" and you'll see that I have shared a similar situation with my SS.
My advice? If you two cannot come to an agreement on parenting and boundaries in your household - THIS WILL NOT WORK. I'm sorry.
Most second marriages / relationships within seven years because of parental/skids conflict. Blending is the MOST difficult thing to do. It's certainly worth it in the long run if you can make it work, but it takes a Herculean effort and commitment.
Think about what Katrina wrote in her post: Bottom line, what is in my daughter's best interest?
She may be in denial. No parent wants to admit that their child or children have issues. It's tough to deal with head-on. I've watched my own DH go through this process, but he's finally put HIS feelings aside for the benefit of his son's well-being. BUT, if she won't be her own children's advocate, then you must be your own child's advocate regardless, and keep your daughter out of harm's way. Her children are just that: Children. You are the adults. You make the rules. If they don't like it, they can get NOTHING. It's really that simple, and provided they don't have psychological problems, they should be at the age already where they understand that. It sounds like her kids need serious therapy, but as a step, we have such little say-so it seems.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but making yours and your daughter's well-being a priority, it sounds that staying away is for the best.
Good luck,
B.
I agree you need to look at
I agree you need to look at the situation and see if you really want your daughter to grow up in that kind of envirnoment. G/f must also have quite a temper if she threw you out. Sounds like the 10 yr olds behavior may have been learned from mom. I would really rethink the relationship before I moved back in. You can't change her, only she can change if she wants to and doesn't sound like she wants to, Good luck
Thank yoiu all
I appreciate all of the comments and advice I received. I do and did love this lady, but as I look at all of the events the only resolution in my mind that is right is/was to move out and not to try any more.
She finally let me get the rest of my things out of the house, and its a tough time for me. Even though my mind and all of my experience tells me this is right, it still hurts. Advice as to focus in on what is right for my daughter is the important thing. I am going to focus in on my daughter and do the things that helped me through my divorce -- work out; spend lots of time at work; rely on my friends and get back to where I need to be personally.
Thank you all.
Yeup
She and I started talking a week or two back. I asked her to have the kids evaluated -- her response, our 4 year relationship wasn't worth trying to see if the kids have ODD. They are fine. I am a SOB for giving her an ultimatum by asking her to have them evaluated.
I pointed out that they have behaved this way for four years now (they were acting up well before I moved in reality almost 7 years) and she had instead given me an ultimatum that my daughter and I had to live by the rules these two kids made and we had to take the screaming tanrums. Its okay for them to scream at me regardless of the hurt it caused my daughter.
Oh, according to her we can still see each other to have sex. I am just not supposed to date anyone.
I told her no. I don't need someone to occasionally have sex with. When we used to made love, we were in the process of trying to make a family. Not in the reproductive way, but to eventually marry and raise "our" family. Together. Not she raise her kids and I raise my daughter.
I guess her last response put our four years in perspective. No respect from anyone. Not the kids, not her.
The willingness to have sex, but not a meaningful relationship. I thought I knew the lady, but I have no respect whatsoever for her. The fact that she doesn't care for the kids enough to have them evaluated for ODD makes me wonder why I ever thought she cared for her kids.
Wow, talk about an eye opening summer. I may sound a little bitter, but I think I really just feel let down by her.
It is always hard to accecpt
It is always hard to accecpt that the person you are or were with is not the person that you thought they were. I have a son with "issues" and I couldn't imagine not dealing with it and just expecting evryone to just do things his way. I am very sorry that this woman hurt you this way but at least it happened now before you married and started a family together. Time will ease the pain
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow