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Stepmom_to_2's picture

Submitted by Stepmom_to_2 on Sat, 01/22/2011 - 5:13pm

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Blended Family Issues

Hi everyone!

I've been going through the forums and reading through some topics and I see that I am definitely not alone. I am currently engaged and will be getting married later this year to a wonderful man. He has two children under the age of five and they are so young that they really don't have the same issues as a stepchild of an older age.

However, there are still some conflicts and issues, a lot of them dealing with the bio mom. The older of the two kids already calls me mommy and I am not sure how to deal? I mean, I cannot tell a two year old not to call me mommy, if that is what he feels comfortable with.

Another subject is the separation anxiety with the two year old. He has a full blown tantrum every time we pick him up or he has to leave his mother. Does anyone have any suggestions as to the best way to handle his fits? I understand he is upset about leaving biomom, but he will scream his lungs out if we ignore him.

Overall, is there any advice to how best handle this situation?

And yes, I know patience is a virtue Smile

Thanks

MamaBecky's picture

Submitted by MamaBecky on Sat, 01/22/2011 - 7:27pm

I came into my SD5's life full time when she was 1.5. We got married when she had just turned 4. She started calling me mommy before the wedding and I corrected her. After we were married I allowed her to with BM's blessing. BM actually asked me to allow it because SD felt rejected by me when I didn't let her call me mommy. I was hurting her feelings. She has called me mommy ever since and I must say I do love it. Smile I was uncomfortable with her calling me mommy initially because I was afraid of upsetting BM and was afraid it may start drama.

Separation anxiety. Well we decided not to take SD5 on our own until she was 3 years old. Prior to age 3 we would go see her twice a week (M & W) at her BM's house. We stayed for a few hours and then left. Sometimes we would meet BM in public and go shopping or have a meal together. We agreed that we didnt want to take SD on our own until she was able to speak in articulate and full sentences. that way if she had an issue, concern, or fear she could express it without the fit. When they are young that is there only way to express discomfort. Early in SD's 3rd year she was ready so we started taking her to our home for our few hour visits twice a week until she was comfortable with our house. Then, when she was 4 we started taking her every other weekend. She was so excited! This year (age 5) we added a week for Christmas break. She loved it! Next year we plan to add two weeks in the summer. The following year we plan to up it to the standard 4 weeks. I remember when SD was 3 and we were returning her to BM's house she through a huge fit, screaming, crying when we left. BM was at a loss. She had no idea why her daughter was acting this way and felt that it must be that SD did not want to be with her. I'm guessing your fiance feels this way to...that his child is screaming and crying because he does not want to be with him. Rest assured this is not the case. My SD loves her mom but she knows when we drop her off she most likely isn't going to see us again for a week or two. This is what upsets her. She is upset to know she is going to have to miss us...not that she is with her BM. Your fiances child most likely has the same issue. Child wants to be with dad....but doesn't want to miss mom. The best thing you can do is to keep assuring the child that mom will be there when they come back and that mom misses them to but knows they need time with daddy. If you can get BM to back you up in this statement it will be easier. Good luck!