If you are a really competent person, others around you will fake incompetence in order to pass off responsibility to you. Sometimes you need to just worry about your own kid and yourself and let everyone else just rot. It's a statement that you're on physical and emotional strike. I refuse to let my ss20 steal my happiness anymore, or his father for that matter. To see those two together, makes me sick. My SS20 would fake sick to stay home from school. DH would drive home from the office to bring him lunch and hand him medicine. The kid was eighteen!!! Made me want to puke. Then one day, he asked me to do it for him. I did a couple times, then just couldn't take it.

So one day, my son, seventeen, was home faking sick. I coddle him and asked my husband to do the same. Bring him medicine and buy him lunch. He said, "What? But, I'm working. Is he really sick?" Yep there ya go double standard. Shit stopped fast.

Totally understand..I call my husband my 4th child..

What i do is if the kids are doing something..I simply say
go in there and be a part...sit with them...talk with them...
be apart of the is family..

or I will tell my hubby...I am doing this and that today..
how about you and the kids do this....

My husband has come along way..
but there are times when he forgets and I have to remind him..

Some men are just selfish...Hopefully yours will start
opening up his mind...and realize that he is a HUGE part
of them learning and growing..

Another thing that I tell him is that he can't yell at them..
Children don't listen when they are yelled at and they
will not come to you later on in life..if they feel
like they will not be heard...

GL

After numerous conversations and constant blame, I stepped outside the box. I blankly looked at my DH and said "YOUR TURN"... he looked at me all sorts of stupid and said what do you mean" I replied, I am done, I am going to go lay down. Your children want their daddy, not me. I am DONE! Needless to say that did not go over to well, but I went in my room and laid down. I ended up falling asleep, and low and behold, Lunch was made and eaten, kitchen was cleaned, the kids were quiet and content... and I did NOTHING! I went on strike, so-to-speak. I have a great relationship with my husband. I have a great relationship with 2 of my SKIDS, and I know the issues I am having with The other 2 are directly related to the BM.. and honestly, I could care less. But when you are in my home, you will follow my rules and there are consequences for not. And in DH refuses to follow them and let the children run rampid... he pays the price as well and he will get the tongue lashing in front of his kids to let them know, he is not above punishment either.

I read on here a while back that disengaging is a great tool... I am here to tell you, it was the BEST advice I had heard in 7 years!

THIS is exactly why so many stepparents disengage. It's because the bio parents just don't step up like they should. I have biokids of my own, and it is exhausting being a parent sometimes, BUT there is no excuse not to do (and expect someone else to do it for you). I found that I was the only one who seemed to care if the stepkids ate healthy, showered, had any manners, did homework...the list goes on. I would have no problem helping with those things with the stepkids, but I won't be the ONLY ONE who does it when they have 2 capapble parents who just chose to be lazy and/or ignore behavior because it is easier. AND, I found that when I did try to enforce things (and teach them things), like eat healthy instead of junk, I became the "evil stepmother". Sometimes it feels like you just can't win.