All hell is gonna break loose!!

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I feel like I've lost all control of my life. No, I have lost all control of my life and some woman that I hardly know controls almost every aspect of it. I feel like a marrionette, my husband's ex-wife and children's new toy. Turn it this way and I dance, turn that way and I lay down. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that an almost perfect strange would have so much say in what goes on in my life. I'm angry but I'm not allowed to show it cause if I do it makes everyone else angry with me. I'm sad that my life is such a mess because I wanted to be with this man so badly that I thought I could live like this only to find out that I can't live like this and don't want to live like this.

Tomorrow my husband will walk into his lawyers office, without me by his side and will sit down in a room full of lawyers, a secretary, and his ex-wife to answer all of her demands and agree to them or turn them down. Either way he chooses, we lose. If he agrees to the demands of a not so stable ex-wife, our life will be even more "controlled" by this freak of nature who walked away from her children almost 3 years ago. The kids will continue to be pawns in her sick game. If he agrees to all or any of these demands what will happen next time she gets a wild hair and decides she wants more? If he says no, we have a long court battle ahead of us, and it will get ugly because that is how she fights, low down and dirty.

Tomorrow has been looming in the distance for months now, with rescheduling, postponements and more rescheduling part of me wants it to be over and part of me hopes they reschedule again. My husband will sit in this room and let his lawyer defend me against this woman's allegations. He will hear again how his ex-wife believes I am a prostitute and thinks I am a bad influence for their 9 year old daughter. She isn't seeking to take custody of this child she is so worried about, she just wants me to be kept away from her. I didn't even know it was legal to make an allegation such as this without something to substanciate it. Apparently it is and I have no recourse. He will decide if he is willing to dismiss her child support arrears and medical bills for the children of nearly $12,000.00, her reason, because I have a little bit of money (aquired legally and morally). He will determine tomorrow if we will share every holiday with this woman, which will also decide if every holiday for the next 9 years or so will be ruined for us by having to see her. Funny, she had the kids for thanksgiving this year then turned around and had the kids for christmas vacation. He will determine tomorrow if our home and our lives will be place on hold for 3 hours, three days a week just in case she wants to call, we won't be able to go anywhere those 3 hours because we will have to make sure the kids are home to get the call if she remembers to make it.

Last night something happened to me, I can't even explain it, fear, anger, exhaustion. I don't know what it was but I packed nearly everything I own and put it in my van explaining to my husband that I wanted a divorce. I sat in horror as my 15 year old step son cried because I am the nearest thing to a normal mother he has ever had. I was shocked to hear my 9 yr old step daughter ask my husband if her mommy could live here after I am moved out. My husband tired and feeling sorry for me for having to gothrough what his ex-wife has put me through told me that he didn't blame me and thoug he loves me wouldn't try to stop me. I felt like a deer in the headlights, nowhere to go, not 100% willing to give up on a marraige that I want. For the first time since I've known my husband I understood how he must feel being ripped to shreds by this woman at every turn. I understood how and why he could have cheated on me with her when we had first become a "couple", hell I'll even admit she manipulated me at one point and convinced me that I should leave and never look back.

Do I stick it out and stand by my husband for better or for worse, forsaking like I vowed to do only 5 short months ago or do I turn and run to save myself? Do you cut off a limb to save the rest of the body or do you try to save the limb first?

If a young girl came to me asking for advice about marrying a man that she had fallen deeply in love with, a man who had been married once before, who had children from the previous marraige. Would I advise her to go with her heart and let love decide or would I discourage her from getting involved? Honestly, I don't know.

Anyhow, just wishing I had someone to talk to, wishing I had something to talk about besides the struggle that I am in.

Wait a minute!!!

Your are being manipulated, controlled and turned into an emotional wreck but not because of the ex...it is because of your spouse's unwillingness to support you. You understand how he cheated on you with her after you two became a couple?! Really?! That would definitely be game over for me...how can you trust him? What is in this for you? Why do you think this will change?

You do have the ability to have control...we all do...if we choose to! Take a stand...take back your life and be the person that you want to be! It won't be easy but the things that are most important to us and the things that make a difference in our lives never are. Good luck to you...you will be okay!

It saddens me to think that

It saddens me to think that people take this step-parenting to the extreme. Do not leave your marriage over this. This is something that you do have control over. I have a step-child who is now 9 and sure at the beginning his mother and I were not the best of friends and probably could hurt one another if we were left alone in a room together for long. You first have to have an understanding that this is her child and your bf is the father of her child. There is nothing you can change about that. If you love him you will do everything in your power to get along with her and for the sake of his and her child. I do not mean to do accommodate every wish of here, but try to compromise. I do not have any children and at first I was real jealous of her. My husband and her have a closeness like no other, a birth of a child. Then I realized their not together anymore and there is nothing I should be jealous about. Next you should talk to her. Once you talk with her you will soon realize she is not that bad and only wants what is best for her child.

I don't agree

We tried putting out the olive branch and get along for the sake of the kids and getting along with BM and all we got is about $5,000.00 worth of legal bills and our privacy totally invaded in every way you can imagine. I love my husband and SKIDS but his ex wife is a nutcase who is totally jealous of my relationship with both the kids and my husband. The funny thing is that I am not trying to be my SD's Mother. Not everyone is someone you can be reasonable with. The BM wants to control our household and we are not going to let her do it. I have children of my own and another SD from another marriage. I always got along with her mother and in fact we are the best of friends. I consider her family. I never had any issues whatsoever with her. My husbands ex will go to the lengths of destroying her own children to get to him. She actually hates him more than she loves her own children which I don't understand since she ran off with another man and left him.

How is wanting respect in a home you live in and pay for taking Step Parenting to the extreme. It doesn't sound she wants to be the mother it sounds like she wants respect and peace in her own home. I wouldn't take what this poor lady is taking from my own children. I have had my bags packed myself mentally many times due to the fact his ex stepped over her bounderaries BIG TIME and he did nothing. I WILL leave my marriage if at anytime if I don't feel comfortable living in my own home.

Yep, I'm still trying to

Yep, I'm still trying to pull the olive branch I offered out of my back.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

I just don't

understand how the courts could agree to any of this crap. The phone call thing alone is ridiculous. I feel for you and your husband. I am sure he is being torn in so many directions. But you must think of yourself here. As Fearless said 'no one will blame you for leaving'. You have every right to look out for your future.

Good luck!

You made a mistake to marry

You made a mistake to marry this person. Mistakes can be corrected. You need to leave & not look back. Anyone can make a mistake. Love is not enough. You need your sanity to have a complete life. YOU MATTER!

I'm going to paly the devil's advocate here...

Not to say that these girls don't have a point. It seems to me like a lot hinges on this hearing. In this situation, I think I would have a conversation with dh. I would tell him what is acceptable and what is not, in terms of what comes out of this hearing. For example, waiting around for someone to call for 3 hours, unacceptable. Tell him. When the hearing is over, meet him for lunch or dinner, and find out exactly what was agreed to. If there are things on that list that you said were unacceptable, walk away. But I'd give him the chance to stand up for you tomorrow.

As his wife, it is bs that you aren't allowed to be there.

Marriage isn't something to be taken likely. If I were you, I would wait until tomorrow to make a decision. But that's just me. Good luck.

Amen Fearless

Marriedmlonely, i have experience driving a Penske moving truck...would be happy to come and drive your van for you.

O god

It's crazy how these crazy people have so much control over other people's lives. I and many others here have lived a similar nightmare for a long time. Maybe we were naiave to put ourselves there but at that time we didn't know what battles would lay ahead.

Personally I would tell anyone about to put themselves through this NOT TO!!! I would not do it again - love or no love! (Love fades ladies and then you're left with huge divorce bills and angry DH's), not to mention our shredded sanity and cynicism.

Hang in there, you're at the toughest bit with the lawyers. It's all a battle and I think you have to look after yourself and your mental health above all else.

Take care.

just home from work

My husband just got home from work, my stuff is still packed in my van. He brought up the subject first that his son is angry and hurt and he wanted to know if I've made a decision to stay or go. I began by telling him that tomorrow when he meets with the lawyers I want him to take care of the few things that I requested, he was annoyed but told me that he hasn't even had a chance to think about tomorrow. I told him that he needs to do something about his son being so rude and disrespectful to me. My husband sat there with a stupid look on his face as if he didn't understand, so as a "for instance" I told him of an episode a few nights ago, my 15 yr old SS walked into the house and said "I'm going to jail", when I asked him why he said "because I'm going to rape someone." As a rape victim, I was raped repeatedly by two 19 year old boys when I was only 14 years old, I was extemely offended. I would have been offended either way. Then I told him that my SD needs to be a little bit less involved in our "personal matters" and something needed to be done about her hypochondria, again he sat there dumbfounded. I asked that he explain, once again to his children that our bedroom is off limits, I couldn't tell you how many times the kids have walked in on me changing clothes, of course he told me that until his kids met my kids they never would have walked into the bedroom without knocking. My children always knock and IF they went into our bedroom they would be told by HIM that our room is off limits. About 2 months ago we caught my SS filling his soda bottle with wild turkey from the small stock of liquor we had left over from our wedding. I then began to tell him that he needed to start sticking up for me and backing me with his ex-wife and his children when he raised his voice and said "ENOUGH!! I just got off work and havent even collected my thoughts". I left to go for a ride and when I returned I sat in my van and gave him about 30 minutes to "collect his thoughts" He came out to the van and said "O:k lets talk", we went into the bedroom where he proceeded to lay down and tell me "we HAD to take a nap before we could talk that way our thoughts are fresh", what a BULLSHIT artist!!! What he really means is lay down, fall asleep that way maybe you will have forgotten about this by the time you wake up.

I gotta end this, I know I do but I just don't know how to walk away. I think too, that a big part of why I stay is so SHE can't say "see, I told you!!" not that I should care what she says. The other thing too is that I am afraid he will take part of the money that I have. My ex husband was a financial planner and he made us a good deal of money that we split in our divorce. I am a cutter, something that only me, my husband, my ex and my doctor knows about, I am terribly afraid that in a divorce he will use that against me. It was something I did only a few times a year since I was about 14 years old, it is also something that has escalated to an almost nightly thing in the last 6 months. That to is part of the reason I got on the anti-depressants. If he were to use that against me, I don't know what would happen. Things would be so much easier if a bus would run through this shithole that I live in and just run me over!! I've never felt so lost and alone in my whole life. I do want to thank you people for giving me advice and words of encouragement, I've read other people's stories on this site and I know ya'll have you're own problems too and to think that you would take the time to answer my posts is really kind and sweet........

Don't let HER be the reason you do anything, honey.

You have to leave her out of it, you really do. She is a non-issue. The reason this situation is so fucked up is because HE LETS IT BE THAT WAY! He encourages it with his inaction. He's got to change.

I feel for you, I really do. I've had my bags packed mentally off and on for the past three years. Marriage is tough. Second marriage is tougher. Marriage with steps is the toughest yet. I think most of us know that we will not come first 100% of the time. But we have to at least make it onto the list of priorities somewhere and if you don't feel like you are making the list, then I can't blame you for wanting to leave.

I love Fearless and maybe she's right. Maybe you should leave. What I am conflicted about, though, is if this is the right TIME to leave. What if - and I know you think it's probably a very slim chance - what if everything works out tomorrow in such a way that his/your situation actually improves? What kind of husband would he be without all of this hanging over him? Without this black cloud hanging over your heads, would you be able to work out the lesser issues?

My concern is YOU. I think you have to do what is best for your own personal safety, physical and mental health and personal wellbeing, whatever that may be. Until you do, it doesn't really matter what happens with your husband, his ex-wife or the kids. You cannot hope to control a situation involving other folks when you have no control over yourself. So I think Priority One for you is to save yourself and worry about saving the marriage later. If that means separating for a bit, then do that for YOU. But whatever decision you make, it should be a rational one, not a heat-of-the-moment one.

Most importantly, you are SO not alone! You might be marriednlonely, but you are NOT alone! You have all of us and we will support you 100% with whatever decision you make. Give yourself some breathing room and some TLC and make the decision from a place of confidence and control, not fear, anger and anxiety. And please check in and let us know how you are doing.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

I'm Here Too..

Sometimes I don't say much...sometimes I say too much...but I'm here too...and you and all my other "sisters" in step...are always in my prayers. Just take things one minute at a time right now....don't fill your mind with anything other than what needs to be done right now. Hang in there.

I agree with bonus....not

I agree with bonus....not much to say except I am praying for you....I know the feeling of lonliness and abuse all too well and how alone you are feeling.
Big hugs and Big prayers....definitely TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND KEEP US POSTED.
Lisa Dawn

Gosh, thank you all!!!

Well I am not so much worried about tomorrow as I was earlier, it is just about here and there is nothing to do but wait and see what happens. Right now my husband is "clearing his head and getting himself prepared to deal with her", one would think it was the queen mother he is seeing tomorrow but anyhow. He has asked me not to talk to him tonight because he is afraid I will say something that will "knock his feet out from under him." Yes ladies, these are direct quotes.... I'm starting to think my husband might be a towering 6"3" but he is a little bit of a wuss. At 4'7", I would love to take her on, but not in a court of law She keeps saying she wants to die in his arms, if he'd hold her down long enough, I CAN arrange that!!!

Anyhow ladies, I feel much better knowing that I am NOT alone and even though I don't know any of you, ya'll must be good people to offer the support that you've offered me and with that I offer you back a heartfelt thanks and a huge (((hug))) via the internet. Goodnight and I'll let you know what happens tomorrow!!! Laura

Sorry...DUH to me

What is a cutter??

Sorry I am an Aussie and I have no idea what that was about. I do sympathise with your situation though and hope your hubby stands up for you tomorrow. Look after yourself for awhile and work on your self esteem. When you feel good about yourself, nothing will hold you down and you will never look back!

Catch xx

husband is leaving in a minute

Well, my husband is going to be leaving for his appointment with the lawyers in a few minutes, he is adamant that I cannot go, not even to sit in the reception area or even the car. I wonder why?? It just doesn't make any sense. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would want my husband there with me, knowing that he were there supporting me. My husband took off from work early, called me at noon to tell me he was off work, he said he wouldn't be home for a while because he once again had to "clear his thoughts" and get his bearings together for this "meeting". It took him nearly 2 hours to "clear his head". I can only compare the way he is acting to a first date or prom night.

He's just walked out the door, just heard the car start up and he's gone... Can't wait to hear the outcome of this... I already know the outcome, he'll give in to her, just like every other time. He'll agree to let me take the blame for things she's accused me of that are outright lies and we'll continue to watch our marraige go down the crapper for a little while longer until he or I can't take anymore or until I do something really bad to myself....

As my mother said "all of this for a man who cheated because you don't want to walk away from children that aren't even yours?" God, I mus't be a f*cking moron....

If you would have gone it

If you would have gone it would be throwing fuel on the fire and possibly only make things worse. I know your life will be impacted by the outcome, but even if you were there you would not be able to make your opinions. She may say things that are not true about you, but as long as you, your husband, and the children know who you really are that is all that matters.

husband is leaving in a minute

As my mother said "all of this for a man who cheated because you don't want to walk away from children that aren't even yours?" God, I mus't be a f*cking moron....

it will all be okay, we are here

Honey, please don't assume any personal responsibility for what's going on. It really doesn't have anything to do with you-- at some level, it should and you are right to believe that it should. But the fact that it doesn't is your husband's fault, not yours. It doesn't have anything to do with how loveable you are or how good of a person you are. It has to do with his own personal insecurities and foibles. Men are impossible to figure out to start with, and men who aren't mature or self-aware are doubly impossible. This isn't about whether you are a good person, or worthy, or nice. I can tell that you are a wonderful person!!! No matter what happens today, *no matter what*, it is all going to be okay. It really is. If you continue to decide to fight for your marriage, then we are here to support you, but please do not base your personal self-worth on how your husband does or does not act, today or any other day. It is a common mistake we all make--I make it--but let's agree together today to not make it any more, okay?
I am thinking of you and sending you strength, as are lots of other women here -- women who make mistakes and who are imperfect, just like you, and just like every other person on this earth. We are all morons, here, honey. You are one of us. Please be kind to yourself. I think you are strong and wonderful, and beautiful.

Are u ok???

My prayers and hugs to you, I know your hell.....and I am sick of the BB being hard to deal with too.....and when my husband starts to believe her crap.....I am outa here too......WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS......

I just read your blog..

I am not a "churchy person" by any means. I believe in GOD and I believe in being a good person. Which I think I am.
YOU are a cutter since you were 14 because of a terrible thing that happened to you. I am so sorry those 19 year old thugs hurt you. I myself have never been raped and would probably kill someone if they did it.. My father was a rapist in my eyes so I have a lot of anger inside about that. Physically and mentally he was very abusive as well. We are not suppose to tell others to leave a marriage. But in this case you are not in a very good situation for your own safety. I say this with the fact that you said that your cutting yourself and your depressed. How sad for you! But now lets buck up and look at your current situation and take action. If your husband who is suppose to stand by your side cannot stand by you and cannot see the pain that he, his ex, and there children are causing you then he has blinders on and does not know what love is. I understand the kid thing to a certain extent but there comes a time when he has to see that they are KIDS, you are the adult and you are his wife. Just like you he made the same vows to you that you did to him. If he loves you so much then he needs to take a stance. I am not sure how the appointment with his lawyers went but its seems to me that he would take a stance there.
If you leave which is probably the most healthy thing right now for you to do, get a place of your own and work on taking care of your problems.. He is a major one but it sounds to me that the cutting thing is your way of dealing with bad things.
We here on this site are very caring people and we care about you and everyone else here. You are worth so much more then what you are giving yourself credit for. Love yourself. He is bringing you down to a very scary low point.
He is not GOD and he is not the only fish in the sea. You sound like a very caring and giving person, you are just giving it to the wrong person.
I wish you luck in your decision.
Hugs from
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

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